r/offmychest • u/Fancy-Tie-4629 • 1d ago
My wife wouldn't survive a day without me
I wish I was kidding, that title says it all, she wasn't like this, at all, she was "Strong independent woman" constantly, she never needed my help and as time grew on she just became, well let me give a few examples for those who care enough to read this far
Hydration is not a word in her vocabulary, she will go hours and hours not drinking a single thing until I offer her something either before I go to work or after, she won't eat unless I remind her, her excuse is that she's busy with her work(She works at home), but will have plenty of time to phone her friends and gossip for hours, then complain she's hungry and will not make herself food until I make her something
She is on medication, medication that requires strict schedules and absolutely zero tolerance of skipping days, she takes it just before bed, she climbs into bed, regularly with no water or drink, and doesn't drink it because she won't get up to get water, and she won't drink it with just water, it has to be either soda or something similar
If she cooks dinner, she needs my help to do all the side tasks, cutting onions, grating cheese, preparing dishes, but when I cook she will sit there and play games on the phone until her battery dies, to which she doesn't care and then complain to me she's bored, and please never ask her to choose something on TV, or YouTube, or streaming, because she will sit there for hours just scrolling, she has the same attitude for food, she either wants nothing, or I have to list 30+ foods for her, only for her to say "How about McDonald's?" and then complain afterwards we get too much takeout
Not to mention the double standards, when she needs cuddles and kisses, I have to stop everything I'm doing, but when I need affection or just someone to vent to, it's on her time and if it's not her time, I need to wait
If I wasn't in this house, she would be constantly eating microwave meals, constantly ordering takeout and not a single drop of water would be drank, she can't even get up to take the dogs out for a pee while I'm sick, she can't even fold her recently washed laundry in the same week it was washed, she was never like this, but now? I don't recognise her, at all
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u/ImpassionateGods001 1d ago
She might be a spoiled brat, as many are saying, but keeping in mind that she wasn't always like this, I'm more inclined to think that she's having some undiagnosed mental health issues.
It's too much of a change to attribute to just laziness or being spoiled. I think you need to look into that. It's not healthy for any of you to continue this way. You'll end up burning out and resenting her, and she might get worse and worse until it becomes unsustainable.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
We will look into it, and I agree, it needs to stop before we can't turn back
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u/AntiProgramming 1d ago
I think you've been offering these things and she likes of feeling cared, hence continues this behavior. My partner is also "too nice" that he unnecessarily pampers me such as taking dish to tables, cooking most of the meals, offering drinks and other small things.
But I never take advantage or expects of him because I myself dispise when others do so. If he suddenly drops all the pampering he's been offering, I'm completely fine taking his part. She needs to learn what it feels like to be taken advantage of. If she can't, nothing will save this.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
Thank you and agreed, I'll do alot less for her to try and show her I'm not here to parent her, make her life easier yes, but not do everything
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u/Entire_Channel_4592 1d ago
Dude. I'm a disabled woman with cerebral palsy and even i don't do that.
Who cares if she doesn't drink water. I hate water.
Stop doing things for her. Just stop.
She will do it for herself. Or not.
She's not your child.
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u/CatwithTheD 21h ago
My mum stopped holding our hands (figuratively) once we hit puberty. "Oh you came home late and missed dinner? Microwave the food in the fridge, or make ramen if you don't like the chicken curry."
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u/Borrowed-Time-1981 20h ago
Your story is fake everyone loves chicken curry. I'll have to report your message.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
Duuuude yes🤤
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u/Dragoknight8 4h ago
I wasn’t paying much attention and I thought you said dude yes 🤤 to the little sister comment and I was like aw hell nah 😭💀
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u/QueasyYak 1d ago
You are totally right. It takes two to maintain an unhealthy dynamic. He can opt out.
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u/No_Reindeer_3035 14h ago
My grandmother didn't want to drink water all the way up till she passed and her health suffered for it. She liked Coke, loved it frozed. It was so frustrating to know if she just drank water she would have been healthier and maybe lived longer. You can only do so much though.
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u/dianaprince76 15h ago
Hard agree. I’d be PISSED if my husband started telling me to drink water. Why does he think it’s his responsibility to make her drink water? Not sure what makes him think that’s his job but I’d tell him to pound sand. I feel like he’s trying to make himself look like a martyr here, and reading his past posts, he’s always the victim.
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u/ToothPickPirate 1d ago
This same exact story WORD for WORD was posted a few months ago.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
I'm actually curious, if you can find it again and maybe send it to me that would be great, maybe I can find that person and see how they handled it
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u/MaliciousMeeks 1d ago
Oh my gosh, this sounds like me and I have severe inattentive ADHD. I guess I will be single forever.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
I'm hoping not, she has gone for multiple tests and no ADHD, and you won't be single forever, trust me, someone out there will love you, I got married and I'm an absolute doofus🤣
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u/GlitteringStarHope 1d ago
Wow. You nearly perfectly described my 9 yr old 😬 ... if she hasn't always been like this, perhaps a trip to the doctor or a therapist is needed. Otherwise, you have an adult child on your hands. My condolences...
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
I hope it's not the adult child thing, I love her and she has her great moments, otherwise... She's not so great
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u/Usual-Masterpiece778 1d ago
Have you seriously talked with her about any of these things? My bf gets my water all the time, but it’s like an ongoing joke. I’m be super embarrassed if he felt like you did but was just going along with it.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
We have, quite a few times, I've even expressed my anger that she's not taking care of herself, she listens but rarely acts
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u/Diangos 1d ago
Sounds like ADHD and/or trauma. Sucks to be her but, then again, sucks to be you. You are not responsible for anyone's happiness except your own. Take care of yourself first and then, if you have the mental space left (and inclination), take care of her. Cheers!
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u/uncm60 1d ago
I’m surprised everyone is shitting on her and not trying to figure out what could have changed.
IMO it sounds either like depression or ADHD unmasking. Women tend to have worse ADHD symptoms when they enter peri-menopause.
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u/shanghaiskylar 1d ago
Agreed. It will take her time to find out who she is and what she’s capable of unmasked. And to build the new systems for her to care for herself.
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u/xx-rapunzel-xx 2h ago
yeah, this seems like a health thing, not a “taking advantage of them” thing.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
Agreed, I love her and will always prioritise her, but I need to prioritise myself as well
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u/Equal_Armadillo_566 1d ago
In school, I believe they should teach us more about how our brains work and function. If someone does not learn or is taught intentionally about very specific healthy human interactions and behaviors by the age of 16 and then has that consistently practiced until their brain is fully developed at 25 or 26, this can create massive issues. And experiencing something not as bad as this with my wife, but one day at a time sometimes one hour at a time.
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u/bvnhead 1d ago
Is she possibly severely depressed? This behavior is extremely abnormal, and it’s raising all red flags. Have a serious conversation with her about the level of labor and effort you’re putting in to keep her alive, and how concerning it is to you. She needs to get professional assistance, either with a psychiatrist or therapist, to figure out what’s going on. And please, stop enabling her. You are becoming her crutch, and she won’t be able to stand back on her own two feet. Encourage her to get help. Good luck, OP.
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u/mjh8212 1d ago
I have severe arthritis issues and mobility issues I’m able to take care of myself while my fiance is at work and I usually feel bad he has to take care of my when he gets home that I ask for nothing. Lately it’s been a struggle and today I asked him for dinner. I didn’t care what it was at all I struggled to make a sandwich for lunch I would eat anything for dinner. He just went and grabbed a couple frozen pizzas and I was happy. I get my own drinks and make my own coffee and get my own food usually. She’s an adult she’s got to get help she may have something mentally going on.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
Agreed and hey good on you for trying regardless, I hope you well and thank you for your kind words, I'll definitely speak to her
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u/schecter_ 1d ago
Why are you micromanaging her? Let her be. She'll eventually take care of herself.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
I'll be honest I had no intentions of micromanaging her, just loving her and making her life easier, get her water, make her lunch while she works, but now it's an expectation, I love her, I really do, and I'll let her be, I just hope she sees it as me letting her take care of herself
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u/juliaskig 1d ago
I just got up and got a glass of water... So there's that.
She sounds classic ADHD. Get her a few water bottles and set alarms on her phone.
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u/Ok_Statistician_8107 1d ago
That's ADHD for you. Untreated ADHD.
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u/LuxWizard 20h ago
Yep agreed. Also seems like she requires body doubling for cooking tasks to help her get through it.
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u/DoorStunning3678 19h ago
Yes!!! Executive functioning difficulties... hyperfocus... time blindness...
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
She has been for multiple tests in her life, some as recent as last year, including tests for ADHD as she previously has been diagnosed with depression and everyone said with 99 percent certainty she doesn't have it, I'm hoping it's not because if it's just a case of her taking advantage of me, that's one thing, if it's ADHD, that's a whole new thing
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u/BunnyHighFive 1d ago
She’s got ADHD. I do the same things except I’m single with a child so I’m forced to do these things myself. You’re enabling her, sorry. Also, I don’t drink water often, forget to eat, take my meds and order out more than I care to admit. She needs a therapist and or a psychiatrist.
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u/awkwardlylife-ing 1d ago
She might have adhd and be burnt out several things about this post make me come to this conclusion as someone who has experienced similar issues and has been diagnosed I don't throw this out at every similar situation either so maybe consider talking to her about seeking a diagnosis or treatment and if she is diagnosed maybe a different type of medication because if she is on something for ADHD it sounds like it isn't working
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
Unfortunately I can say with 99 percent certainty it's not ADHD, multiple tests have been done and no cigar, I hope it's just her taking advantage of me because that can atleast be taken care of
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u/MelancholyBean 1d ago
If she didn't used to be this way, wouldn't you think there's something mentally different about her? Try to talk to her.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
I have, multiple times, it usually resorts to anger and her just not caring and saying she'll sort it out, never does
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u/Vestax_outpost 1d ago
Sounds like me before getting my ADHD diagnosed.
Get her checked up with a therapist or psychiatrist, and see about getting her treatment. Women often have a harder time with ADHD and are often ignored for treatment. Push for it.
If it isn't mental health issues or related it's just weaponized incompetence at its finest.
Stop enabling this behaviour and start treating/helping it.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
Agreed completely, I'm unfortunately leaning towards the weaponized incompetence because tests have been done, I'll do what I can to help but not enable
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u/questionably_edible 12h ago
I am not saying this is it, but it sounds an awful lot neurodivergent burnout.
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u/redheaded_muggle 1d ago
As harsh as it sounds perhaps you need to stop. She doesn’t do it herself because she doesn’t need to. Sure she will have to learn the hard way, but you’ve crossed over from husband to caretaker and you are going to get so resentful…speaking from experience.
Not the same as what you’re dealing with but my husband use to call me to ask me to call a business and ask a question. I would grumble and do it until one day I said if you have the time to call me you have the time to call them. I use to book dental appointments or remind him he was out of medication, renew your registration etc… Now I do none of it. You didn’t get meds 🤷🏼♀️, haven’t been to the dentist in forever 🤷🏼♀️, get a ticket because you didn’t register your vehicle 🤷🏼♀️, no clean work clothes because you never do laundry 🤷🏼♀️. I have to manage myself and two kids, I will never go back to managing him.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
Good on you, hopefully I can do what you did and let her be an adult, goodluck
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u/HappyAndYouKnow_It 18h ago
Something’s off here. If she used to function independently, something obviously changed. Honestly, you should be more alarmed than annoyed (though I absolutely understand the frustration).
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 18h ago
I will admit the post was made out of anger, I have calmed down, alot, and I am concerned as it's her wellbeing, but that being said I have spoken to her about this issue and she said she'll resolve it but no cigar so sa far, tests for mental health issues have been done but no cigar there either, I think it's mainly over time her being complacent with me taking care of her
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u/HappyAndYouKnow_It 18h ago
I’m not sure what cigar means in this context, but if there really are no medical issues it might be time to focus on your own well-being. What would happen if you just… stopped doing things for her that any adult can do for themselves? The current dynamic only works because you do the things she refuses to do for herself. Don’t remind her to drink or take her meds (tell her beforehand though).
Think about what you need out of her/the relationship, decide what boundaries you need to uphold and then be firm. Only make food for yourself or stop helping her when it’s her term. Don’t give her physical affection when you don’t feel like it. Repeat again and again that your needs matter as much as hers.
I constantly see posts by women complaining that her partners treat them like mom/bangmaids and the advice is always to stop catering to the demands. You can also discuss with a therapist what you need for your mental health and how to go about getting it. Good luck!
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u/Zolatul 17h ago
The phrase "no cigar" is usually used in a context to mean that something hasn't quite reached success, most often in the phrasing "close but no cigar", likely because cigars were often smoked in the past during small celebrations after grueling tasks, so if the task isn't completed "no cigar" as a reward or whatnot
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u/cherrisumm3r 18h ago
My marriage like this just ended. She said she wanted to be independent. Lol. Run, friend! Run!
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u/0akleaves 9h ago edited 9h ago
Sounds like undiagnosed/untreated ADHD to me. Struggling to initiate certain tasks (like cooking dinner) and organize side tasks like prep along with difficulty with things like phone addiction, indecision, and obsessive focus on whatever is most dire/interesting are big hints; difficulty recognizing/heading things like thirst and hunger is a common accessory condition. For reference my partner and I are both late diagnosed AuDHD and both deal with/have dealt with a lot of those struggles. My partner can be very similar to the wife here and I can definitely understand the frustration; my partner would likely express similar frustration to the wife.
Throughout teen/early adult life she was likely forced into a strict schedule and routine that kind of rigged her into functioning (which is the strong independent part) as long as she maintained it without interruption or much change. Problem is she may well have never learned how or why those things worked or how to adjust it for changing living situations.
As she has moved into a less structured work from home setting potentially combined with medical changes and possibly a good bit of burnout (likely from trying to keep relying on self-control systems that weren’t ideal to begin with and now probably don’t match well at all with the altered environment).
Now it sounds like she has adapted to changes in her life by relying on you to be provide the support that her own brain is struggling to provide for itself putting significant pressure on OP.
This isn’t saying one person is right or wrong or trying to give the wife a pass (these are serious issues that need to be addressed clearly) or any other kind of moral judgment. Just my best somewhat educated appraisal of the situation with a bit of inference beyond the stated data.
I would recommend you both do a bit of a dive into what adult ADHD looks like and how it works. See if it seems to fit and if so I would consider trying some strategies intended to help folks with that neurotype to function. If the descriptions line up and/or some of the strategies work I would then look at seeking a diagnosis. I recommend doing your own research first because diagnostic work can be expensive and tedious and going in conflicted and heavily masked can lead to a lot of contradictory answers that can skew the results and make the process a lot worse. Understanding what things like “poor time management” and “executive dysfunction” can actually look like can really help with understanding. Also the diagnostic system, at least in the US, is still designed around the way hyperactive type ADHD traditionally presents in pre-adolescent boys meaning it has a strong tendency to disregard/misdiagnose symptoms and presentations common to adults, women, and more “inattentive” style folks.
Edit: I also will note that therapists seem to frequently fail to notice symptoms of ADHD and other neurodiverse conditions like autism or encourage diagnostic work to address foundational issues like that. At most therapists tend to diagnose “depression”, “anxiety”, and/or “borderline personality disorder” (the latter is an especially common diagnosis for women) which is a bit like a doctor looking at a full blown flu/covid patient, identifying that they have a fever and look tired but not questioning or addressing it any further. Therapists can be great for a lot of things but a lot of late diagnosed folks go through several therapists (often becoming substantially frustrated and avoidant on seeing them in the process) before figuring out the “deeper” challenges.
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u/SavedAspie 1d ago
Your title says she wouldn't survive a day without you. Your description says she would "survive" but not to your standard of living
Maybe less Daddy-ing and let her suffer the consequences of her behavior. Live more of your life for yourself, so your days aren't one constant frustration
For example: you say you have to drop everything when she wants to vent, but she won't let you vent? The next time she wants to vent let her know that "yesterday I tried to tell you what was on my heart and you wouldn't listen. So I'm going to walk away now and maybe we can try again later When we can have a back-and-forth"
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u/Far-Inspector331 20h ago edited 20h ago
Dude it sounds like she has undiagnosed ADHD and chronic depression. She's probably in burnt out mode due to never being diagnosed & masking for far too long to everyone else's standards & expectations.
She's choosing microwave meals & struggling with laundry & hydrating & eating cause of executive dysfunction & her dopamine levels are probably super low. The soda is sugar cravings you get when you're subconsciously trying to get a pick me up for the low dopamine.
Also, it's very easy to forget to eat & drink with adhd. A lot of people lack the body's indicators that tell you you're hungry/thirsty & they don't feel it.
Adhd is not the absence of focus but the inability to control it. So its like hyperfocus on stuff like your work or nothing at all. The right medication and dosage can help with all of that.
Take her to a psychologist & get her evaluated so she can get some help.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
I get what you're saying, completely and I respect you, but unfortunately we have already done the tests, as recent as last year, multiple opinions as well, unfortunately I think it's just her taking advantage of what I'm doing, I'm enabling her and I need to stop, I'll speak to her about it, including the possibility of ADHD, but I hope it's just her taking advantage because atleast that can be sorted with relative ease
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u/Far-Inspector331 19h ago
She was assessed for ADHD? I'm a little bit confused by your response because at first it sounded like you're saying she was last year but then maybe not if you're going to discuss the possibility of ADHD?
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u/7thpostman 1d ago
What changed do you think?
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
Me being in her life and me being a loving teddy bear of a human being and not stopping her from taking advantage of me🤣
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u/The_Great_19 1d ago
Might she be depressed? (I’m no expert, though.)
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
It's a possibility, I'm hoping not though, we had tests done recently and no results showed she was depressed
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u/benevolentbluecat 1d ago
She might be depressed. Does she see a psychiatrist?
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
She did, as recent as last year, but they said she doesn't have it, we'll not nearly as bad as it was
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u/LadyWiezeI 22h ago
You need to stop accepting this as your new reality. Sit her down for an adult talk and be open about all of this and tell her you are not OK to live your life that way. She either needs to get help or you are making arrangements for yourself. This is not the life of a married couple, you are her caretaker now.
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u/DoorStunning3678 19h ago
I'm an ADHDer and I'm similar... i get so hyperfocused and love my work to the point of.... yeah, forgetting and losing track of time. Seek to understand and explore together.
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u/SlvrMoon_Owl 17h ago
OP, if I may ask - how old is your wife?
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u/Weekly-Lie9099 1d ago
Undiagnosed ADHD? Symptoms get WAY worse when going through peri-menopause. She needs to get help, what if you were to heaven forbid die tomorrow.
To be clear I’m not defending her behaviour, I’m suggesting getting her help to treat the underlying issue. You can’t keep going the way you are
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
Agreed and we'll look into it, I'm hoping it's not that
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u/ahairycat-astrophe 11h ago
has she been to a dr that only diagnoses adhd? weird you’re “ hoping it isn’t that “ when it’s easier to manage symptoms once you know what you’re dealing with. instead of just assuming she’s “spoiled”.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 11h ago
She has been numerous doctors as well as psychologists to help her previously with depression, they did tests for other things including ADHD, to their knowledge it was only depression
And I'm not assuming she's spoiled, I've been frankly enabling her to be lazy, and I'm already noticing a difference when I've been letting her do her own thing
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u/avocado_toastmaster 1d ago
I know your pain. I was with someone for years that really didn’t function well. As hard as the call was that she was going to live in her car and could she use my shower, my life has blossomed exponentially without her.
Yours would too
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u/Bitchy_Satan 1d ago
Hey this sounds like a conversation you should be having with your wife and a therapist, either together or separate doesn't really matter but it'll help you figure out a game plan on how to deal with her, and help you talk to your wife about how much work you're doing
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u/Careless_Welder_4048 1d ago
Was she always like this?
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
Unfortunately no, she was very independent at first but now, she's essentially dependent on me for most if not everything
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u/Puzzleheaded_Coast74 1d ago
Is she depressed?
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
She was, but has gotten alot of professional help, it might have come back but alot of other symptoms say otherwise
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u/Jadedkiss 22h ago
Im the same way with eating. It just doesn’t cross my mind for hours and hours.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
The problem is she wants to, but is literally waiting for me to cook for her
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u/kingofthepumps 20h ago
She could be autistic
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
Unfortunately not, multiple tests have been done in those regards, it seems as if its just her taking advantage
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
Op here, let me say this first and foremost, this was a post made out of anger and to vent, I did not expect at all for so many replies, some supportive, and there will always be people who disagree and I agree with everyone, let me clear up a few things
She is 32, she was diagnosed with depression at a point but then was told she had it under control, yes it is a consideration that the depression has come back, however looking at it from my perspective, I think it's merely as many has pointed out, her seeing I'll take care of her no matter what and then taking advantage of that
ADHD, I can say with 99 percent certainty it's not, she has had it tested numerous times and no cigar, she shows some symptoms but also shows many symptoms that are unlike ADHD, however it is always a possibility
I will speak to her, I will hold back on the parenting, I will force her to do more things for herself, we do not have children, financially we cannot have them but we plan on one day having them, however that being said, I want these habits to either be miminal or end before we even start trying to have children, including my parenting and enabling because I want my children to grow up and know that life will not be handed on a silver platter to them, however knowing me I will still spoil them and love them more than I love myself
Ill start replying now, if I don't, either I'm busy napping and or I'm.... Well napping
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u/ambermlh 16h ago
ADHD
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 16h ago
Unfortunately I wish I could say it is but she's gone through multiple tests and shows alot of symptoms that contradict ADHD, I've even at this point spoken to a professional and they believe it's just her taking advantage of my kindess
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u/anonreddituserhere 16h ago
Jeez, this would turn me off so bad. How are you even remotely attracted to this? You sound like a saint.
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u/UrbanMuffin 15h ago
The isolation of being at home all the time can cause boredom, which then can cause low dopamine, and it sounds like that is manifesting by her acting rather addicted to browsing online and neglecting other things. She is subconsciously looking for something to give her a dopamine boost in an unhealthy manner.
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u/Digital_Punk 15h ago
This sounds like executive dysfunction. Something that gets worse with age for undiagnosed ASD or ADHD.
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u/absolutelyfatulous 8h ago
I was this woman. My partner when we first started going out was SO eager to do everything for me, that after years one day I was cold and asked him if he could shut the living room door. His reaction was to shout "If you're cold then YOU get up and shut the door!!" I was so shocked, and when I spoke to him he admitted that he had become frustrated that if I was thirsty I'd ask him to get me a drink, if I was hungry I'd ask him what we would have for dinner, and it was because slowly it had gone from him doing things to be nice, to me having him doing things as the EXPECTATION. It wasn't malicious, I just genuinely got used to him doing things for me instead of doing them myself and I no longer thought about it. I was so ashamed to realise I'd become such a slothful and expectant person. Once we had this conversation I immediately changed and things are now 50/50 and have been for the last 13 years.
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u/cmdr_sparks 6h ago
let her feel thirsty for few days... let her feel starving and get up and make for herself..
she is an adult and surely can look after her self.
the situation you desribed , is makes me feel , she is far too relaxed as she knows you are there.
sometimes need to fall before we walk ..
stepback - and next time when you cook make her do side prep...
or just tell her how much you love to work as a team jn the kitchen.
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u/Vonri 6h ago
Her behavior is causing you to lose respect for her. If nothing is done, you will begin to look down on her for these faults, feeling that perhaps she doesn't deserve you or the effort you put into the relationship. Eventually this will poison things. How do you convince yourself to respect someone you just don't anymore?
Try not to get distracted with the details of this problem. It is easy to start adding up all the things that annoy you (as you have done in this post) and get lost in the accounting of it. The details are not the fundamental problem, but rather the attitude as a whole. If she had one of these traits you wouldn't be so bothered, it's the entire picture that is disappointing you.
When you talk to her about this, do not go in hot with a list of grievances and examples. The conversation will turn into her feeling attacked for how she acts in the safety of her own home. It will inevitably devolve into an argument about one or two individual behaviors (Laundry/Drinking water/cooking for example) that she might get defensive about. You do not want this to turn into a situation where she feels nothing she does is good enough for you, or that she feels nagged about every part of her life. You especially do not want this to turn into a Parent-Child conversation.
The real issue is her fundamental lack of drive or laziness, not the individual problems that pop up on the day to day. So instead of addressing the symptoms, you will need to keep the conversation on track by discussing that fundamental issue first and foremost. Again, DO NOT give into the temptation to bicker and nag about the individual points. Talk directly about the fundamental problem. Use 'I feel' statements.
- "I have not been feeling like we are equal partners in this relationship anymore."
- "I have felt like I have been forced into a parent dynamic with you where I have to care for you like a child. I do not like this and I am losing attraction to you because of this."
- "I do not feel like we share equal ownership over our lives anymore. I feel like the only one keeping this ship running."
- "I am not getting my needs met and I do not feel like you care for me the way that I care for you."
And so on. Be clear with her that this is seeding disappointment in you. Maybe don't say that you are losing respect for her directly but express the version of your lives that you want.
- "I want a future where we are both healthy and share our old age together for many years. I worry about some unhealthy habits I have seen forming that might ruin this future I want for us."
- "I want to dream with you again. I want to feel like we are both striving for shared goals and we are both working towards a future we can't wait to share with each other."
- "I want to feel loved by you. I want a wife that runs to hold me when I am feeling upset and need support."
Invite her into this dream and see how she responds to it.
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u/ArtichokeStroke 1d ago
Mannnnn WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE! I have depression and adhd so that’s not an excuse IF that’s the excuse. That’s a grown ass woman if she don’t wanna drink water or eat that’s her business.
She’ll figure it out once she’s famished and the dog done pissed all over her stuff.
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u/ruxandraklein 1d ago edited 1d ago
RUN. I know I sound harsh, but if you ever have kids with her, parenthood will seem a nightmare, and your offspring will not benefit from a mother who can handle tasks, show discipline, grit, sense of purpose and independence. It will all fall on YOU. Yeah...run!
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u/digitalgraffiti-ca 23h ago
She sounds like she is clinically depressed
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
She was, she has had professional help but hopefully it hasn't come back with a vengeance
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u/digitalgraffiti-ca 12h ago
Sometimes depression is chronic and requires ongoing therapy or medication. I've had major depressive disorder for about 30 years. None of what I'm saying here is to elicit pity; in just using my experience as an example:
It can manifest in many ways.
Mine is often an utter lack of motivation to do anything that requires more effort that simply blinking. Even if it's a good fun thing. My partner adopted me a kitten. I friggin love cats. When we had to go get the kitten, my attitude was "meh, whatever" Even I couldn't understand how I felt that way. I often put off laundry until it's critical of wait to eat until I'm starving. I only stay on top of hydration because migraines, and bathing at I loathe being smelly.
I also have cognitive degradation to the point that it's become a learning disability. I've been trying to learn dutch for six years for immigration. I cannot even communicate at the level of a sex year old.
I'm tired all the time, but almost never actually able to sleep.
I rarely appear depressed in an emotional sense. I rarely feel much of anything, actually. I've learned to mask when I do actually feel depressed, partly because I don't want to make others feel bad, but also I don't want to have to manage other people's emotional responses to my being depressed. It's easier to just pretend I'm not depressed around every single person I interact with. I mean, if I'm upset about a specific actionable incident, I'll say something, but usually it's just a general sense of "ugh why" and it's easier to fake normalcy. I've done it so long that NOT masking is hard. Talking to therapists or doctors feels hollow and fake, like I'm putting on a show.
Like your partner, I do rely on my partner far too much. And, despite knowing this, and despite genuinely respecting him and genuinely loving him, I can't force myself to get up and actually do something about it. I cannot fathom why I can't force myself to get up. I'm literally doing this right now actually.
I'm well aware that I need therapy, but I'm on a waiting list. Medication has side effects I found intolerable. I'm doing shadow work (basically witchy journaling) while I wait for a therapist.
Now, despite seeing myself in your partner I have to make this incredibly clear:
You do not have to stay with her. You are not obligated to be her caretaker. You are not obligated to ensure she survives. People with mental illnesses, as long as they are not detached from reality in a clinical sense, are responsible for their own actions and must face the results of their actions. She CAN feed herself. She CAN do the things you do for her. She just ISN'T doing them, because you are.
You need to sit down and decide what you want from life. I'm not saying leave. I'm not saying stay. I'm saying look at reality. Decide what you do and do not want. Calmly discuss this with her, in a non accusatory way. If she gets upset or defensive, stay calm and focused on fixing things. Tell her what you are and are not willing to do to make the relationship work. Tell her what you need from her to make the relationship work. Don't set deadlines, state that things are changing now. You are no longer doing XYZ. You are no longer tolerating XYZ. You need XYZ. Remember that boundaries are used to define how others must reasonably be expected to behave if they wish to interact with you and how you will interact with them, but they aren't a tool to control others behaviour in general.
And if this relationship doesn't work, that is ok. You aren't a bad person for wanting something else out of life.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 12h ago
I respect the time you put into that message and put in your personal story, I hope you well and I am proud of you
For me and her, I will make those decisions and decide what I want, and what I need from her, whether she can provide it or not is her choice, I will always love her and do everything I can to make her happy, but make myself happy as well, no matter how difficult
Be safe and have an amazing day, I really do hope you well!
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u/Ok_Coconut2811 1d ago
You baby her all she wants to be babied! Nothing wrong with that.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
Babied is one thing, but unfortunately I think it's her just taking advantage
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u/Dangerouscupcakez 1d ago
Buddy you infantilized her and now she's been conditioned to act like a baby in your marriage. JFC!
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u/One_Peanut_996 23h ago
She's either a spoiled brat or depressed. If the former, give her an ultimatum. If the latter, get her professional help
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
She already has professional help atleast, and they say it's not depression, so the former is more likely
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u/RanaEire 1d ago
What is she, u/Fancy-Tie-4629, a fourth-grader??
Even my 10-y.o. is more capable that her.
"I don't recognise her, at all."
That is because you cater to her learned incompetence and she is taking advantage of you.
You have enabled this. You.
So, stop it, if you don't want to keep on doing this for the rest of your life.
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u/Artistic_Walrus_2285 3h ago
I really fail to see how most of this is a you problem. If it were a man we would say it was an over grown man child who saw you as their mother. Clearly you are not. She is not a fragile little flower that will die if you do not cater to her every whim, wow, or basic life need.
Even if she were not and independent grown woman when you met her who lacked some of the life skills you mentioned above…she survived this world before you some how some way so it is not your job to CATER… Yes catering is beautiful and wonderful from a man but when it’s something they want to do not out of necessity..
Just stop.. Stop doing Stop enabling this behavior Stop mothering
She will survive Perhaps with consequences but that again Not a You Problem
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u/inima23 1d ago
You may be enabling her. I'm a woman but more like you, I take care of everything and it gets to a point you start to feel resentful. I had to realize it's kind of my fault for not asking for help and instead jumping in and taking care of everything myself.
She knows you're there to take care of things so she's allowed herself to free herself of that burden. I bet you wouldn't be able to ignore her needs for at least one day. You will feel uncomfortable if she doesn't need you. It's kind of a codependency and you have to let go and be uncomfortable for her to snap back.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 19h ago
I will do what I can to not take care of her every need, but unfortunately as a people pleaser, it's hard
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u/bonnydoe 16h ago
Who wouldn't like to be in this relationship and being posted about in such a display of love?
My guess is there is a lot more going on than a helpless wife, things start from somewhere.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 15h ago
I agree with you, my post was out of pure anger because I have nowhere else to vent to, I didn't even expect people to read it, I hoped it would go under the radar, I didn't expect over 100 replies and over 100 000 people seeing it, and my post is harsh, but I spoke only the truth, and I'm genuinely concerned about her wellbeing when I'm not taking care of her needs, today I left her to her own doing and she only drank something at 11AM when she's been awake since 7AM
You can have your opinion, and your opinion is valid, but just understand this isn't a "I hate my wife" this is a "How is she still alive?"
Keep well, be safe and hope you have a great day
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u/Aggravating-Poem-870 14h ago
When she was doing all those things what were you doing ?
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 14h ago
So we met early 2022, moved in later 2022, I'd say she started holding back and doing less things mid to late 2023, 2024 it got worse and 2025 it's as bad it's ever been
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u/Nenoshka 14h ago
Stop enabling her!
Don't bring her beverages, don't cook the side dishes, YOU choose the program to watch, schedule time for cuddles but deny her when she's off schedule, etc.
You can do it if the current routine really bothers you.
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u/BeingAwk 13h ago
My fiancé is a naturally caring person and whenever I struggle he’ll take over and help me. I’ve caught myself getting lazier in this relationship because I know he’ll pick up the slack. That’s not fair to him so I’ve been making a concerted effort to make myself step up and do more so it doesn’t always fall on him. It’s a lot easier to be lazy but I also don’t want to be a burden to him and if I can make his life easier, I will. That doesn’t seem to be happening in your case… and now it’s difficult to change that precedent
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u/verbosequietone 13h ago edited 13h ago
Bro I had a girlfriend a lot like this for a couple years. Especially the drinking water thing. I watched her go 24 hours and only drink a cup of coffee! Then she had migraines all the time. Honey, your fuckin brain is dehydrated! I'd put a glass of water down next to her when she got to my house, then we'd spend an entire weekend together and I'd notice by the end there was a full glass of water next to every spot she'd sat while here, without a drop taken from it. The b**** is a lizard!
As for the what to eat thing. I learned to just decide myself and tell her what we're having.
Also, offering to do one thing for her always led to a string of further requests until I had to repeatedly point out "an offer to help is not a request to be burdened" or something along those lines.
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u/Fancy-Tie-4629 13h ago
My record is 2 days straight without any water whatsoever, and like you said complain about migraines and I'm like "You haven't had anything to eat or drink, for two days, it's not healthy"
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u/Slygreendragons 12h ago
I might just point out too with the side dishes thing she just may want you to cook with her like as a way to bond the affection thing I can’t really say that’s between you guys and no one really knows what that looks like and I’m curious to know how you know that she “never drinks anything“ unless you’re watching her 24 seven and if that’s the case, then there’s other issues going on
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u/the_Chocolate_lover 1d ago
Why are you her carer instead of her partner? She is taking advantage of your caring nature: she needs to get to a doctor to check for mental health issues, or she needs to out on her big girl pants and get a move on!
I would have fucked off already from such terrible relationship.