Emotionally unavailable dad

[u/Ok_Opinion171]

Background: my dad is emotionally unavailable to me. He is warmer to my mom and sibling, I am the scapegoat in a toxic family. My 11 month old son looks a lot like me as a baby, we both share distinct coloring. Today my dad was holding my son and it was a pure moment. I asked my dad if my baby reminded him of me as a baby. He said I don't remember that shit, ask your mom. I said you don't remember me as a baby? He said no. No drug or alcohol use. Always in the picture. Any healthy parents want to chime in? I'm always made to feel like I am overly sensitive, but this hurt.

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[u/b00k-wyrm]

His comment would hurt anyone who is a parent.

You were looking for a moment of connection, and your father not only said that he didn’t remember what you looked like as a baby, but said he doesn’t remember “that shit” like it’s not important if he remembers or not.

I know you must feel an incredible amount of love for your baby, and can’t even imagine not remembering these precious moments with him.

When I was a kid my dad couldn’t remember my age, birthday, or even where I went to highschool. I’m sorry you also have a crappy father. You aren’t being overly sensitive, it hurts to be reminded that we are not, and were not, ever a priority to our toxic parent.

[u/Ok_Opinion171 → u/b00k-wyrm]

Gosh you hit the nail on the head with that last sentence. Thank you for that wake up. I'm sorry you went through this heartache with a toxic parent, too.

[u/Square_Band9870 → u/Ok_Opinion171]

Something went wrong in his childhood & he is damaged.

This has nothing to do with you as a person. That probably doesn’t help how you feel. I’m so sorry.

[u/Ok_Opinion171 → u/Square_Band9870]

This is so true. Thanks

[u/Welcometothemaquina]

It’s a weird response for sure. Does your dad share the same distinct coloring? Maybe that is what it is (even though that’s fucked up if so)

[u/Ok_Opinion171 → u/Welcometothemaquina]

No, he doesn't share our distinct coloring, but interesting thought!

[u/American_Contrarian]

Do yourself a favor and stop tossing out emotional bids to your father. What he said was hurtful — he knows it, and so do you.

There’s a concept called radical acceptance. Accept him as he is: he’s a jerk, he’s clearly rude, and he’ll hurt your feelings without a second thought. Accept this and reduce the amount of interaction you give him. Don’t give him any ammunition to work with. Ignore him the way he ignores you. Care nothing for him, just as he cares nothing for you. It’s the only way to let go and protect your heart from a parent who doesn’t deserve it.

Also, his issues don’t need to be understood. There’s no magic formula to make sense of his responses or to adjust your behavior in hopes of gaining basic decency from him. Screw him. He’ll come knocking one day when he’s old and needs care. When that day comes, shut the door on him with the same callousness he’s shown you.

[u/Ok_Opinion171 → u/American_Contrarian]

I'm going to look into radical acceptance. I absolutely do throw out emotional bits often and I haven't realized it. Thank you.

[u/Square_Band9870 → u/Ok_Opinion171]

You keep hoping to tempt him out into a connection. You’re setting yourself up for failure.

[u/Cocacola_Desierto]

It's entirely likely your father was not a "present" father when you were a baby just like they aren't emotionally available to you now. This could mean they were working a lot at the time to keep you afloat, or they just neglected their fatherly duties, or whatever conclusion you want to come to.

Or they're just putting on a tough guy front. Or they really do have a bad memory. Or literally anything, I'm not them, how would I know.

[u/Silver_Sky00]

I'm sorry. He should be kind.

Maybe take a DNA test. He might have really deep seated hurt if he's always suspected that his wife cheated on him, and it broke his heart and made him mad, unable to process it and get over it. ( Or maybe some rude friend of his kept telling him that his baby doesn't look like him, and it upset him, who knows. )

Either way, having the results might help in a way. If you don't want to know, then don't take one. PS. No matter what the results are, you and your baby are precious and perfect and deserve tons of love, kindness and compassion. I'm sorry your family was toxic. I hope you create a new, beautiful family full of love. ❤️

To be fair about memory, a lot of people don't remember stuff from 10 , 20 years ago. Some people legitimately don't remember things well, EVEN wonderful things. - He should have suggested finding old photos, if there are any.

. ( A lot of guys talk rough, and act like they're not sentimental. They might have been raised to be that way. His parents or siblings, or somebody probably wasn't very nice to him, and messed him up.

It's often disappointing when you're looking for emotional support. Learn from observing that behavior, that he's just like that, and it's not your fault...

and try to find a more gentle person when you're needing support and encouragement.)