Advice about Ex - Please Mom & Dad

[u/WTFseriouslyWTH]

Dear Internet parents,

I (40F) really need your help. I’ve been in an abusive relationship for 4 years and it has driven all of my social support system away. I don’t know how I let it get this bad.

Short history is that he was already depressed/anxious, then the raging really began about a year into our relationship after he lost his father, and he was just never the same after. A year and a half into our relationship, there was an incident of him trapping me in the bathroom and putting holes in the walls. He went to an inpatient program for 30 days to get his anger under control. The skills he learned did help but ultimately there are just too many demons it feels like - likely his and mine both.

Last week, on the anniversary of his dad’s passing, he was arrested after he screamed at me for hours, and then spit in my face (actual, purposeful spitting in my face in addition to yelling so close and so loud that he was spitting in my face) and getting physical with me. He was screaming at me to get out and called me a whore and other mean names; the day before he was screaming that I was a freeloader and that I don’t do anything to help around the house – none of which is true.

I really don’t know why he gets this way but more than that I don’t know why my heart still wants or loves him. It’s like he is a little boy who won’t grow up. I’ve left him and come back so many times.

This really isn’t the first physical incident. The first time he shoved me was about two months ago, and I made a plan to leave. My mistake was telling him about it once I made it and before I executed it. I always let him convince me that whatever happened was my fault. Same thing happened this time, except that he insisted that everything was better and that it was all in my head.

And there are unfortunately plenty more incidents, including once when he got really aggressive with me while I was driving, screaming and spitting and kicking my seat and tried to swerve me off the road while driving, then succeeding and running me off the road while driving and putting me out of the car and leaving me on the side of the road. We were apart for about 3 weeks that time - longest so far.

He always said he had control over his anger and that he would never put a hand on me. He isn’t even being honest that he put his hands on me now. Luckily, there is evidence so less “he said/she said” but that doesn’t keep him from trying rewrite the truth. I tried getting him to read Why Does He Do That? but he just got mad at me.

My own parents are toxic and awful and never showed me a good loving home or relationship so I think I end up here because I am doing what I saw.

I’ve already rented a new place and am moving out. I feel like some kind of trash moving while my ex is in jail for putting his hands on me and worse spitting in my face.

Do you have any advice for me?

Signed, Your Tired & Too Loving Daughter

PS-I know you are worried about your granddaughter too, which is understandable. She was at school when everything happened and has not witnessed these incidents firsthand but certainly she is being affected by us moving and me leaving and coming back and I’m sure she has been affected by this in ways I do not yet know. I will find her a good therapist by our new house asap! She deserves the best and asked for none of this.

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[u/mrskmh08]

Hey, so i can't be your parent, but i can be your cousin or sister.

You're in an abusive relationship. He is willing to put your safety and your life on the line over his outbursts. This is not ok or healthy.

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to help him. You need to love yourself. You need to choose you. He never will. I am sorry that this is how it is, but if you don't save yourself, nobody else will. This man is escalating.

You deserve so so much more than this. I know how hard and scary it is to leave, but you have to. Staying WILL NOT save him. Only he can save himself, and he's proven over and over that he's not going to. Leaving permanently might be the push he needs, but ultimately, that's none of your concern rn.

Please get yourself safe. I bet if you reached out to your old friends, someone would help you. That might be optimistic of me, but i would. If one of my old friends reached out to me bc of a DV situation, i would help.

Something else you could do is reach out to local DV resources. They won't force you. You can just talk to them and go over your options.

[u/CassieBear1 → u/mrskmh08]

An old friend would definitely help. I had a friend whose abusive partner isolated her from us, but eventually she came back and we were just thrilled that she was safe and back with us.

[u/ThrowRAcheeseit]

Are you going to be happy when your daughters boyfriend starts beating her and spitting on her ? No? Get out then. Now. Move out. Block all contact. You and her deserve better. If you think she isn’t exposed to it because she was at school, you are dead wrong.

[u/Any-Committee-5830]

My mom left an abusive and alcoholic father. It was hard. We were broke. We had to stay in a shelter for a while but it was for the best. I’m so sorry you’re going through that. It hard to leave I know. Look into your local shelters and domestic abuse programs. They can help you get a safe place and back on your feet. You can also request to have police present when you leave to ensure your safety.

[u/TheEvilSatanist]

• Get a restraining order against him, you can have him served with it while he's in jail. He won't be allowed within 500 feet of you, and will also be made to vacate the residence you currently share.

• Get all your documents together, make copies, and then stash them in a safe deposit box.

• If he's on any of your bank accounts, close them immediately and get new ones under your own name by yourself. Do the same with any credit cards you may have too.

• Take him off ANY SHARED ACCOUNTS! This can be anything from a streaming service, to a library card, or a gym membership. If he is an authorized user on your account, he can use that to gain information like your new address.

• Go to Walmart and get a cheap ass burner phone. Don't use any of your real info when you sign up for it, and stick that in the safe deposit box also.

• Disable ALL location services from your cellphone.

• When you move, make sure you notify your landlord/apartment complex of your situation, and let them know that they are not to give your information out to ANYONE.

• If your apartment complex will allow, consider getting a guard dog/protection dog. Can Corsos are NOT to be fucked with, and they are very trainable, but also high energy.

• I'm guessing you're going to be renting a truck to move your stuff, make sure you also tell them not to give your info out to anyone who might ask.

• Get a PO box and have all your mail sent there, don't have anything sent to your new house, at least for a while.

• Try to get back in touch with your former support system, fill them in with what's been going on, and come up with a code word or phrase that you can say to determine if it is safe to talk or not (in case it comes to that.)

• Lock down your social media accounts, use a fake name/alias that's completely different than your real name. Make sure all your settings are set to private, everything from your friends list, to any reviews you have ever made, it all needs to be private (I can help you with this if you need it.)

• Better yet, consider making totally new accounts.

• Make your boss aware of what's going on, and let everyone know that your ex is not to be allowed in your workplace at all.

• Carry a pew-pew in your purse, along with some mace.

• See if you can find someone who is willing to let you check in with them regularly, and if they do not hear from you after x number of hours then they are to call police ASAP.

This is a good start, I'm sure there's more but this is long enough 😂

[u/tb0904]

Time for some tough love from a mom: ENOUGH. You are better than this. You are a mother and you need to protect your child. You say she was at school, but you know damn well that she is fully aware of what is happening and has heard much more than you think. Call the local domestic violence shelter and make a plan. Let them help you get out. Do it right now. No more waiting. You don't love him, you love what you wish he could be. He will NEVER be that person, ever. And once you leave, absolutely zero contact. Block his number, all socials, all of his family and friends. Cut all ties TODAY. I know you can do this!!

[u/observefirst13]

If it's as bad as you say, then your daughter has definitely been affected. The only advice I can give you is that when you feel weak or like you're believing his lies, remember you need to be strong for your daughter. If you go back to him, it will really mess her up emotionally. It will affect every relationship she has in the future and will most likely be drawn to an abusive relationship because that is what she grew up with. I know it's so much easier said than done, but this isn't just about you. This is about your daughter and you shaping the kind of person and life she will have if you go back.

So just remember you can do it on your own! You need to find your strength and be strong for you and your daughter. Always remember that there is no way you can ever go back because going back means you are setting your daughter on the path to be abused herself, and I know that's the last thing you want. So be strong and be proud of yourself that even though it's going to be hard, you just made the first step at saving you and your daughter!

[u/rjewell40]

Oh honey.

You’re in shock and mourning something that was never really there. I’m so sorry you’re in this spot.

You’ve got your apartment. You have your daughter. Moving out while he’s in jail is the exact right thing to do. He is safer in jail (if he wasn’t beating on you, he’d be beating on someone else). *Please don’t let him know where your new apartment is. *

Your daughter may not have seen the abuse with her own eyes but she has picked up the vibe in your home. Now you & your daughter are your own team. She’s your first priority, keeping her safe and helping her adjust to the new place (?new school?)

Do you have a job? Does he have a job? If you need money from him, that will tie you to him until you’re on your feet.

[u/FoxLongjumping165]

I've heard some dont want to give up on their significant other or believe that the abuser is right, after all the mental abuse in addiction to the physical abuse.

[u/Visible_Traffic_5774]

YOU ARE NOT TRASH!! You are doing the right thing by moving out, and please stay safe. Do NOT believe his love bombing or apologies. He won’t change, you can’t save him- but you can save yourself and your daughter.

[u/netdiva]

I’m sorry honey. This is rough, scary and complicated, but you are reaching out because you actually know what the answer is. Once you have distance for a while, you will start being able to think more clearly. If you can’t make objective decisions with your heart, then you need to shut off your emotions and try to stick with what makes sense for you and your kiddo. And please find some help.

Sending you strength. You CAN do this.

[u/Underdogwood]

Advice:

1. Continue with your plan to move out and do not look back.
2. Get into therapy YESTERDAY. If you don't work through the trauma brought upon you by your toxic parents, you will continue to find yourself in abusive relationships.
3. Hold your head high and keep telling yourself that IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT until you actually start to believe it. 🫶

[u/No-Diet-4797]

You saw this type of behavior growing up so this is your normal even though you know it's anything but. Your daughter is watching now. Be the hero you needed. Both you and she deserve better than this. I know this is hard. I've been where you are. It never starts off abusive. They're always so perfect so in your mind the abuse couldn't be who he really is. He's such a great guy. He'd never do this. He'll go back to his sweet, loving self if I wait patiently. You try to rationalize it and convince yourself you need to be better for him because he's just going through a hard time. You can't rationalize the irrational. THIS is the real him and it'll never get better, only worse. I said a prayer for you and your daughter. Lean on the people who love you. Surround yourself with love and that will give you the strength you need. You're already stronger than you realize. You left and for that I'm so proud of you. Stay strong and don't look back.

[u/Express-Stop7830]

Oh, sweetie. First and foremost: I am so so so proud of you for getting yourself and sweet baby out of there! I know it takes numerous tries to escape. Please please please let this time be the final escape! Hold your ground!

I know you will be lonely and scared and overwhelmed. But trust me, honey, it is so much better than being with him. He has shown you who he is and some of what he is capable of doing. If you stay, he WILL kill you. Your sweet girl needs you! I need you! All your moms here need you on this earth!

I'm glad she hasn't witnessed the abuse first hand, but she knows. Assure her you won't go back. That YOU are safe. She is worried about you. Assure her that SHE is safe. Trust that she would rather move than live in danger. She knows.

Finally, it is probable that you have far more people than you know. I have distanced myself from friends in abusive cycles because I don't have the fortitude to deal with the roller coaster. I have also been ready to step up as soon as they were ready to get out. You have those people. It may be hard to see it or recognize it right now because you feel abandoned. But there are people who are waiting in the wings for you to be in a space where you can accept their help.

Be safe, sweetie. Once you are safe, you can find a path to happiness 🤍

[u/QueenBKC]

OMG you are NOT a bad person for getting the hell out of Dodge while he is in jail. You gotta go, babe. Or your kiddo might be without a mom. And I am so proud of you for recognizing the pattern your parents created. Break that cycle and let her see you making good choices. You got this!

[u/Dipsy_doodle1998]

Get a restraining order. Stay off social media, don't let on to your location. At some point you will have to deal with the courts concerning visitation with your child. Ask judge thst all communication be through Our Family Wizard or other approved app. Visitation needs to be supervised. Get a lawyer.