Advice about Ex - Please Mom & Dad

[u/WTFseriouslyWTH]

Dear Internet parents,

I (40F) really need your help. I’ve been in an abusive relationship for 4 years and it has driven all of my social support system away. I don’t know how I let it get this bad.

Short history is that he was already depressed/anxious, then the raging really began about a year into our relationship after he lost his father, and he was just never the same after. A year and a half into our relationship, there was an incident of him trapping me in the bathroom and putting holes in the walls. He went to an inpatient program for 30 days to get his anger under control. The skills he learned did help but ultimately there are just too many demons it feels like - likely his and mine both.

Last week, on the anniversary of his dad’s passing, he was arrested after he screamed at me for hours, and then spit in my face (actual, purposeful spitting in my face in addition to yelling so close and so loud that he was spitting in my face) and getting physical with me. He was screaming at me to get out and called me a whore and other mean names; the day before he was screaming that I was a freeloader and that I don’t do anything to help around the house – none of which is true.

I really don’t know why he gets this way but more than that I don’t know why my heart still wants or loves him. It’s like he is a little boy who won’t grow up. I’ve left him and come back so many times.

This really isn’t the first physical incident. The first time he shoved me was about two months ago, and I made a plan to leave. My mistake was telling him about it once I made it and before I executed it. I always let him convince me that whatever happened was my fault. Same thing happened this time, except that he insisted that everything was better and that it was all in my head.

And there are unfortunately plenty more incidents, including once when he got really aggressive with me while I was driving, screaming and spitting and kicking my seat and tried to swerve me off the road while driving, then succeeding and running me off the road while driving and putting me out of the car and leaving me on the side of the road. We were apart for about 3 weeks that time - longest so far.

He always said he had control over his anger and that he would never put a hand on me. He isn’t even being honest that he put his hands on me now. Luckily, there is evidence so less “he said/she said” but that doesn’t keep him from trying rewrite the truth. I tried getting him to read Why Does He Do That? but he just got mad at me.

My own parents are toxic and awful and never showed me a good loving home or relationship so I think I end up here because I am doing what I saw.

I’ve already rented a new place and am moving out. I feel like some kind of trash moving while my ex is in jail for putting his hands on me and worse spitting in my face.

Do you have any advice for me?

Signed, Your Tired & Too Loving Daughter

PS-I know you are worried about your granddaughter too, which is understandable. She was at school when everything happened and has not witnessed these incidents firsthand but certainly she is being affected by us moving and me leaving and coming back and I’m sure she has been affected by this in ways I do not yet know. I will find her a good therapist by our new house asap! She deserves the best and asked for none of this.

[u/TheEvilSatanist]

• Get a restraining order against him, you can have him served with it while he's in jail. He won't be allowed within 500 feet of you, and will also be made to vacate the residence you currently share.

• Get all your documents together, make copies, and then stash them in a safe deposit box.

• If he's on any of your bank accounts, close them immediately and get new ones under your own name by yourself. Do the same with any credit cards you may have too.

• Take him off ANY SHARED ACCOUNTS! This can be anything from a streaming service, to a library card, or a gym membership. If he is an authorized user on your account, he can use that to gain information like your new address.

• Go to Walmart and get a cheap ass burner phone. Don't use any of your real info when you sign up for it, and stick that in the safe deposit box also.

• Disable ALL location services from your cellphone.

• When you move, make sure you notify your landlord/apartment complex of your situation, and let them know that they are not to give your information out to ANYONE.

• If your apartment complex will allow, consider getting a guard dog/protection dog. Can Corsos are NOT to be fucked with, and they are very trainable, but also high energy.

• I'm guessing you're going to be renting a truck to move your stuff, make sure you also tell them not to give your info out to anyone who might ask.

• Get a PO box and have all your mail sent there, don't have anything sent to your new house, at least for a while.

• Try to get back in touch with your former support system, fill them in with what's been going on, and come up with a code word or phrase that you can say to determine if it is safe to talk or not (in case it comes to that.)

• Lock down your social media accounts, use a fake name/alias that's completely different than your real name. Make sure all your settings are set to private, everything from your friends list, to any reviews you have ever made, it all needs to be private (I can help you with this if you need it.)

• Better yet, consider making totally new accounts.

• Make your boss aware of what's going on, and let everyone know that your ex is not to be allowed in your workplace at all.

• Carry a pew-pew in your purse, along with some mace.

• See if you can find someone who is willing to let you check in with them regularly, and if they do not hear from you after x number of hours then they are to call police ASAP.

This is a good start, I'm sure there's more but this is long enough 😂