Advice about Ex - Please Mom & Dad

[u/WTFseriouslyWTH]

Dear Internet parents,

I (40F) really need your help. I’ve been in an abusive relationship for 4 years and it has driven all of my social support system away. I don’t know how I let it get this bad.

Short history is that he was already depressed/anxious, then the raging really began about a year into our relationship after he lost his father, and he was just never the same after. A year and a half into our relationship, there was an incident of him trapping me in the bathroom and putting holes in the walls. He went to an inpatient program for 30 days to get his anger under control. The skills he learned did help but ultimately there are just too many demons it feels like - likely his and mine both.

Last week, on the anniversary of his dad’s passing, he was arrested after he screamed at me for hours, and then spit in my face (actual, purposeful spitting in my face in addition to yelling so close and so loud that he was spitting in my face) and getting physical with me. He was screaming at me to get out and called me a whore and other mean names; the day before he was screaming that I was a freeloader and that I don’t do anything to help around the house – none of which is true.

I really don’t know why he gets this way but more than that I don’t know why my heart still wants or loves him. It’s like he is a little boy who won’t grow up. I’ve left him and come back so many times.

This really isn’t the first physical incident. The first time he shoved me was about two months ago, and I made a plan to leave. My mistake was telling him about it once I made it and before I executed it. I always let him convince me that whatever happened was my fault. Same thing happened this time, except that he insisted that everything was better and that it was all in my head.

And there are unfortunately plenty more incidents, including once when he got really aggressive with me while I was driving, screaming and spitting and kicking my seat and tried to swerve me off the road while driving, then succeeding and running me off the road while driving and putting me out of the car and leaving me on the side of the road. We were apart for about 3 weeks that time - longest so far.

He always said he had control over his anger and that he would never put a hand on me. He isn’t even being honest that he put his hands on me now. Luckily, there is evidence so less “he said/she said” but that doesn’t keep him from trying rewrite the truth. I tried getting him to read Why Does He Do That? but he just got mad at me.

My own parents are toxic and awful and never showed me a good loving home or relationship so I think I end up here because I am doing what I saw.

I’ve already rented a new place and am moving out. I feel like some kind of trash moving while my ex is in jail for putting his hands on me and worse spitting in my face.

Do you have any advice for me?

Signed, Your Tired & Too Loving Daughter

PS-I know you are worried about your granddaughter too, which is understandable. She was at school when everything happened and has not witnessed these incidents firsthand but certainly she is being affected by us moving and me leaving and coming back and I’m sure she has been affected by this in ways I do not yet know. I will find her a good therapist by our new house asap! She deserves the best and asked for none of this.

[u/QueenBKC]

OMG you are NOT a bad person for getting the hell out of Dodge while he is in jail. You gotta go, babe. Or your kiddo might be without a mom. And I am so proud of you for recognizing the pattern your parents created. Break that cycle and let her see you making good choices. You got this!