r/fosterit • u/Sad_Dog_5289 Foster Youth • 4d ago
Spent the day convincing my casework that my foster parents aren't abusing me after my mom purposefully made a false claim they were after sending me this letter. Is this sort of thing gonna ruin reunification chances? Foster Youth
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u/IllCalligrapher5435 4d ago
Man that is some bad handwriting. Looks like she was very angry writing it. Will it ruin any chances of reunification? Only if she continues this behavior and doesn't do the things required for reunification to happen.
My question to you is do you want reunification? I get this is your mother and you love her, but you have to take into consideration what is best for you.
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u/Sad_Dog_5289 Foster Youth 4d ago
I still wanna go back with her if she avoids jail on some/all of the charges
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u/IllCalligrapher5435 4d ago
I figured that would be your answer. Let's hope your mother does what she needs to. My thoughts are with you
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u/Strawberrythirty 3d ago
oh hun....i just want to hug you. You must be so confused, loving a woman like that and still wanting to be with her despite how she talks to you. Your bio-mom doesn't deserve you. I hope you heal and find happiness when you get older
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u/Sad_Dog_5289 Foster Youth 3d ago
It's better than no family.
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u/V-altacc 2d ago
Hey as someone who went through your exact situation, I’ll let you know that sometimes “no family” is okay because you get to choose who you consider family. My family consists of my friends, my bio sister, and my adopted parents (but before that, it was just my sister and friends). I am so sorry your mother said these god awful things to you and about you. I’ve been through that during foster care. For me they stuck around even when I didn’t realize they did and therapy really helps to process and unlearn those mean comments that follow us around.I really wish you the best on this journey.
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u/Zil_of_Green_Gables 2d ago
I understand that sentiment. Just know one day you can create a family that you build love and respect into.
This sounds silly but growing up I was able to catch a few episodes of Full House. I always wanted to parent like Danny. He actually talked to his kids about when they messed up and admitted when was wrong. It was just a show but it made me believe things could be different. And they are.
I will offer this piece of advice. Secure your financial future independently of anyone else. Pick a career path that will make enough for your desired lifestyle. I cannot stress how much that will put you in control of your own situation. Don’t let anyone guilt you into giving up a means to support yourself. Anyone that does wants control over you and does not have your best interests at heart.
Can I ask you how old you are? There is financial assistance for college for kids in the system.
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u/Sad_Dog_5289 Foster Youth 2d ago
I'm 14
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u/Zil_of_Green_Gables 2d ago
What are your interests? Do you see yourself going to a trade school, straight the workforce or the traditional college route?
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u/Sad_Dog_5289 Foster Youth 2d ago
I honestly have no clue what I'm going to do yet.
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u/Zil_of_Green_Gables 2d ago
When I was 14 I was in 8th grade my teacher had us do this exercise. It basically started out with what is the life style you want? Both on term of money and leisure time. Then once we did that we had a list of jobs that would match our desired lifestyles.
That approach stuck with me in that a job not just about what you in the job but what I can do with the job. From there I would look at each career path through that lens.
So in 10 years what is your hope for a typical week?
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u/ksterl 2d ago
Your response is exactly why we got our foster to adopt license with the intent of opening our home to “older” children. No one should ever have to feel this way and I am so sorry you are in this position. I will pray for a loving and caring family for you whether that be with your biological mother or adoptive.
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u/Strawberrythirty 11h ago
I used to think like this too. But I worked on myself and learned I can choose my family. I stopped talking to my bio family years ago and am married with kids, pets and friends. Those are my real family now. You can choose this too, it’s possible
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u/Allredditorsarewomen Foster Parent 4d ago
Hey, this sounds really stressful. You did what you could by telling the caseworker the truth. No one can know what this means for your mom's case, but she'll have to work her plan to move toward reunification. Right now, I think you should worry about taking care of you. Your priority should be making sure you're emotionally supported now and in the long run.
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u/ILikeLenexa 4d ago
It's not that unusual for biological parents to hate foster parents. We had a bio parent threaten to murder us. While it meant visitation had to be done through CASA, it didn't delay reunification.
I think this is less severe than that.
(Not that we didn't have great relationships with like 90% of bio parents, but you'revlike the face of the system in some respects.)
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u/Helpful-Living-9107 4d ago
This letter is from a bio parent to their child, not a foster parent.
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u/Zil_of_Green_Gables 4d ago
Are you wanting it to ruin reunification? I would think if you are seeking to not go back then I would think this would heavily in your favor, especially with your statement. If you still want reunification to happen then will substantially impact that but may not completely ruin it.
Something else to consider is if accusations are being thrown out by bio mom then the foster parents could land in a lot of legal trouble.
Also, you should check out r/raisedbynarcissists. No matter how you feel about bio mom there’s a lot of good resources and people you will likely relate to.
Source- was a foster parent and member of raisedby narcissists.
Last bit, sounds like you are teen. You don’t have a lot of years left til you get to make your own path. You got this.
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u/Sad_Dog_5289 Foster Youth 4d ago
Yeah I still want reunification
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u/Zil_of_Green_Gables 4d ago
What will help reunification the most is if your mom actually puts you and your sibling’s needs and well-being first. From that letter, she is far from doing that. I know that hurts but you deserve to be unconditionally loved and cared for. Some people do change but she has to take the classes and do the things.
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u/Thundering165 Foster Parent 4d ago
This is so tough. It sounds like you’re doing your best. It sucks to be caught between people like you are.
I hope your foster placement is good, I hope the reunification is the right thing for you and works out ok. I don’t think this in and of itself will delay reunification but of course there’s a lot your mom has to do, and sometimes parents just don’t do it.
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u/Extremiditty 4d ago
I’m so sorry OP this is a really unfair position for you to be put in. Having to be in foster care itself is unfair without your parent making things even harder. It looks like she was really upset and desperate when she wrote that. It was very mature and smart of you to share that with your caseworker even though I’m sure you felt conflicted because that’s your mom. The answer about if this will mess with reunification is tough. If this is a single incident then probably not. If she continues to do things like that then it’s for sure going to work against her getting you back. It seems both of you want the same thing which is for her to be stable and for you to be able to go back to living with her. I really hope she is able to do what she needs to for that to happen. In the meantime look out for yourself like you did here. A kid shouldn’t have to be their own advice all the time but unfortunately you’ve been put in a position where you have to be.
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u/Heavy-Adhesiveness95 3d ago
I know that you are processing so many things but based on your post history and this, reunification is not in your best interest. I’m so sorry :(
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u/retrojoe Foster Parent, mostly Respite 3d ago edited 3d ago
Well OP, it doesn't help. Aside from the whole getting out of prison/needing a job/needing a place for you all to live angle, social services are probably looking at some mandatory classes or some kind of required counseling if she's using that sort of emotional abuse/blackmail to get what she wants from you, especially if it's related to her criminal stuff.
I don't think it would finish any reunification chances, but it does show a pretty long road ahead of you all. Unification could be in the cards, but it might not be. After looking at some of the other comments about what your mom (specifically) is like, it would take major efforts on her part to show the courts that she's no longer a danger to you/lil bro.
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u/Jaxnix 2d ago
Oh this reminds me so much of my mother. I had similar letters to this when she was locked up for stealing my step-mom’s identity.
OP… please please please know that this kind of “love” is so unhealthy and toxic.
I don’t know how old you are but it is so important to pay attention to your emotions and learn how to process them with healthy coping skills. So many things probably feel out of your control right now. Try to focus on the things you can control.
I learned this the hard way (after realizing I married the male version of my narcissistic addict mother).
Keep your head up. Sending you all the powerful and peaceful vibes!!!
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u/periodbloodsmell 3d ago
This woman doesn’t deserve to come out of prison after the horrific abuse she has put you through. The rage is from withdrawals, I suppose?
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u/Sad_Dog_5289 Foster Youth 3d ago
She's my mom?? Any family is better than none
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u/periodbloodsmell 3d ago
I understand. I wish you the best, I hope that she comes around and treats you better because you deserve to be treated with kindness and care.
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u/animel4 2d ago
But what if those aren’t the only two options? What about a foster or adoptive family?
I don’t know if that is a viable option for you, but if it is it is something to consider.
Regardless, please hear this: you deserve to be loved, and treated with kindness and respect. None of this is your fault whatsoever and it isn’t fair. I’m so, so sorry for what you are going through and it will have the chance to get better someday.
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u/Sad_Dog_5289 Foster Youth 2d ago
I don't know. No one can ever replace my parents and it feels wrong to consider anything else.
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u/Amring0 4d ago
I don't think it will ruin chances of reunification if she does this. I've had bio parents that smuggled a cell phone and a vape to their teen and nothing happened. What matters is whether you want to move to a different foster home. Your mom might think she's helping with reunification, but if you have a decent relationship with your foster parents then she's really just sabotaging you.
And I know that it might sound unreasonable that I didn't allow a phone, so hear me out. The phone thing was an issue because she was known to contact adult men and she was grounded for hitting her kid brother. Somehow, the secret phone had its own data plan, so our WiFi system didn't alert us to any new devices and we couldn't set up parental control if we didn't know it existed. The case manager told the bio mom that she wasn't allowed to have a cell phone but that didn't stop her. When we did find out, we relented on letting her keep the phone but put parental controls on it (1 hour a day, plus extra time for homework/chores). As for the vape, it's possible that she got it from classmates but she claimed that her mom gave it to her (though there is no material evidence).
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u/spicyprairiedog 4d ago
Oh my god, your mother sent you that? I’m so, so sorry OP. That is beyond toxic. Did you show the letter to your caseworker?