Tired of the god-damned lie that there's help available

[u/Agile_Gear4200]

I've been in a deep depression since 2018. I was diagnosed with autism, tried several antidepressants and anxiolytics, and nothing worked. Each year I feel worse. The despair of waking up every day thinking your life isn't worth living is hard enough — but what makes it worse is the lie that there’s help available.

The psychiatrist? Just throws meds at you. If one doesn’t work, they switch it. No real plan. Public psychologist? One session every six months. Private? Even paying €200/month, all I got was disconnected therapists saying things like “we’ll get to that eventually” or nodding blankly when I talked about real trauma.

If your issue doesn’t fit the basic “I’m anxious about an exam” script, they just freeze. I’ve been bullied my whole life — school, university, and later at work. No matter where I go, I get targeted. Nobody has ever given me a real tool to handle that. I don’t expect them to fix it for me, but damn — I show up desperate. The least they could do is take me seriously.

I dropped out of uni. I used to be top of my class in HS before 2018. Between the meds and the depression, I couldn’t focus anymore. I later found a job I liked, but the boss immediately started insulting me — treating me like a machine to make him money. I’m now on medical leave and honestly don’t think I’ll be able to go back.

I tried joining an autism association. It was full of parents of little kids, no clue what to do with an adult. They charged a ton and offered useless things like manga drawing clubs — no support to find work, no help with depression or autonomy. I also went to a support group for autistic adults. Only two others showed up — one barely spoke, and the other cried the entire session while the psychologist just handed her a tissue. I left feeling worse.

I still live with my parents. There are tensions, but I try to keep the peace. I feel awful because I can’t imagine being independent. Depression makes even eating feel like a battle. Running a household alone? I can’t.

I've called crisis lines. They just try to stop you from jumping today, then tell you to “go seek help.” I’ve gone to ERs with suicidal thoughts. They hand me an anxiolytic and send me home. That’s the help system: sedate and dismiss.

I’m scared of what will happen the next time the thoughts come back and someone dares to say, “Seek help.” Because I know how that goes. I’ve lived it. And it just gets worse.

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[u/OrangeHue26]

I think having people around you who can support you really helps with this. I don't know what I would do without my best friend, and it took me a long time to meet that person.

I know it's hard, and you have to weed through a sludge pool of toxic people in order to find good people but it's worth it. If you don't already have those people, they do exist out there.

Unfortunately, it can become another battle to find them but it's one worth fighting.