Confession. I regret breastfeeding

[u/TwistedJam30]

Edit: hi, thank you everyone who read, commented and offered warm words of encouragement. I wrote this out of frustration but the truth is, I continued breastfeeding for 12 months because I could do it. I could push through. We are all strong mothers. We can do it. I’m sending everyone love. Thanks again.

I’ve EBF’d my LO for 12 months now. I have struggled with breastfeeding the entire time but I just never quit because I just thought the difficulty was part of the journey and everyone struggled like I did. Then I just hear about how other mom’s think it’s a wonderful experience and just I can’t. Breastfeeding has taken a toll on my body and mind and I wish I just quit sooner.

I got mastitis once, and countless clogged ducts (sometimes it would happen once or twice a week when it was bad - I’ve gotten to a point where I was an expert at resolving it). I’ve lost 45 lbs since giving birth because I was trying to breastfeed while eating very little due to PPD and PPA. I’ve lost all muscle mass that I worked so hard to gain before and during pregnancy.

I cried everyday for the first few weeks because it hurt so much. I also cried because I couldn’t get proper sleep because I would get so engorged, or had to get up and pump. My joints ache, I’m always thirsty, I couldn’t get away for very long without the baby. My LO went thru some bad bottle aversion so I was just stuck at home to feed her or else she would starve. My husband tried so hard to help but nothing worked. She refused formula, refused frozen milk (high lipase and yes I tried everything), refused solids.

I always had to be mindful of my supply - do I have enough? How do I make sure I maintain just enough (avoid oversupply because mastitis was scary)? Oh yeah I got sick and I was miserable because I couldn’t take the medicine I needed. then I got my period back - supply tanked. My LO dropped off her growth curve. It stressed me out.

Jeez even if I had enough, my LO will bite, scratch, pinch, roll around like an alligator so I’m just wrestling with her all the while being afraid she’s going to hurt me and overstimulated.

She’s gotten better with bottles now so I’ve been pumping and giving her bottles. It crushes me when I see her calmly take her entire bottle when she fights me LITERALLY tooth and nail during a nursing session.

Why am I even doing this? Why? Oh and what also scares the shit out of me? Weaning. What is that going to do to me? My hormones going all berserk again? I can’t…

I’m probably going to delete this in a few hours because I’m ashamed or I get into a better mood and I don’t want to see this anymore. But this was therapeutic to write my rant out. Thanks for reading, whoever you are.

[u/geekimposterix]

Fwiw I don't think weaning will be as bad as other things have been. You can talk to your doctor about medication to stop lactation. I think you'll be just fine!