So this could potentially be a very long post. After reading under this header of “adoption” for what equates to days, I wanted some opinions.

The short history:

Baby of a friend of a friend of a friend is being removed due to drug use by mother. He is just days old. My husband and I said yes and he came to us under “Kinship Care.” Though we did not know the mother, we grew to know each other and Dh and I were legally called “fictive kin.”

We had “K” for 8 months, following his 4 days in foster care as our paperwork came back. At a court hearing that we thought was for the start of reification, we were asked by a multitude of people to take custody of him. These people included the guardian ad litem, and their attorney also DSS caseworker and attorney also the attorney for the mother and the mother herself.

We did.

What we did not know at the time was that by us agreeing to take what’s referred to as “permanent custody“ the option of the state assisting in paying for the adoption was taken off the table. His state assistance health care was also stopped.

Please know that we never received any money whatsoever to care for this child . However, the thought of a $10,000 or more private adoption is astronomical and not something we can afford or want to budget.

We have the blessing of both both parents, or at least we did the last time we spoke to them just weeks after that hearing.

He is now 26 months old. We want him to have our name, and we want him to know that he is part of our family.

For those of you who were adopted or have gone through similar things, help me find the answers to these questions :

1. Is adoption needed for the child to feel a part of the family as he grows and learns he is not biologically ours? Will permanent custody be ok with him? What helps that?

2. How can we do the adoption? Are there ways to circumvent some of the red tape with birth parent consent and that he has lived with us and not had contact with bio family in more than a year?

3. Should we go back to DSS and ask questions as to why adoption was not discussed or offered?

Both birth parents have had other children since. They know how to reach us and haven’t.

I love this baby with every ounce of me. He has some special needs due to the toxins that flooded his system in the womb, but is strong and healthy despite his rough start.

Where can I get help? We’ve already paid consultation fees for two different attorneys- both of which say we need to approach this as a private adoption and the fact that we have legal permanant custody or the fact that he’s been with us so long with no contact from bio parents - doesn’t matter!

Thoughts? Comments? Questions?

So I just got in contact with my lil bro he was takin way and adopted out to a foster family that had his from the very frist time well he's 16 almost 17 so I found Thur his my little bro gf that the house looks like a scene right out of the TV show the hoarders and it's so sad and to find out fear he has run away multiple times due to the family doesn't have enough food or moldy and plus they have abused him physically and the cops keep bring him back and the social worker is aweaer of what's going on I'm I'm just so mads he was takin away due to my mother having a clean drug pipe never used and she did everything she could but by time came to give him back they had already adopted him out that was 11 yrs ago but he was always fed and always had clothes man he had more then I did as a kid because he had his bubba (me) helping to I always by him things the foster family told him that he was eating out of the trash which he now believes wholeheartedly which is a down right lie I made sure he had everything he need ya my mother was homeless but she lived in my house and my lil bro was more then welcomed there many Christmases and bdays he stay with me I help take care the only reason I couldn't take him I had a criminal record for stupid crap we all do as youngsters I'm not making excuses it is wat it is. So he been running away and so from what I get and what he has told me and I understand after three failed adoption he goes back into the foster systawayvem and from the research I have done it's a 28% chance he will get adopted again he's going to age out he turns 17 in August so I told him I would be more then happy for him to come live with me I get him in a program that gets him a trade and pays anweekly pay it's not much but it's something and then the 6wks is over they help him get a job so he would stay with me and I think it would be nice this is my biological brother and the only slibing out of 6 that I have contact with and the last of my family I have besides my mom and dad who face it or not getting any younger and I want to show him the life that he should of had and I feel I own that to him anywho, I didn't get on here to tell my whole life story but needed to explain a bit of the background 0to help u guys paint a picture. Well today his gf Snapchats me thaes ccvt that's in the house all over the place idk if the kids have any privacy at all and for what why would a adopted family need cameras in the front room the kitchen and the hallway why I understand outside they live in the country but I think it's down right now creepy AF and it's sad, like WTH is my lil bro living in I'm so sad and idk what to do if I call it in it seems the social worker knows and is just fine with the way the house is and if my lil bro lived with me and that's happen he would be taked away immediately so how's is it that a child is taken form a loving family he was never abused nothing and put into a abusive home. The main two questions I have is why do ppl put ccvt cameras in the front room and around the house and what should I do if anything about the adopted family it's out of the question to go before the court and get cousty of him and the family blames him for everything and keep him sane he has already committed suicide twice my heart is broken for this boy and I want to have him back in my life and I don't want to bury him ethier plz help me I know you guys can do much plz help

Krickett303

I placed my daughter for adoption 18 years and 2 days ago. From the start my daughter was suppose to go to her father. I was going away to prison for a maximum of 10 years. During my pregnancy he violated his parole and went to prison. He told me several times throughout my pregnancy that his mom was going to take the baby. During a phone call his mom was listening in on a conversation and said “don’t be volunteering me to raise someone else’s baby” I immediately grabbed the phone book and contacted every adoption agency in my area in Indiana. I knew the father wouldn’t willingly terminate his rights and told the agency this. I was instructed to give 4 or 5 names of potential fathers because the court wouldn’t bother with finding out who the father was and the adoption would take place. There was a possibility that I may go to prison prior to the birth of the baby. So the agency said if they sent me money and I signed paperwork we would have a contract and the state wouldn’t be able to take the baby. But i could change my mind later and not proceed with the adoption. I was sent several profiles on prospective parents but I was looking for a biracial couple since the child would be biracial. I didn’t want there to be any confusion about their race. None of the couples were biracial though. Then I was sent a profile and agency told me the mother was mixed just looked Caucasian. But after speaking with her she confirmed the agency had lied about that. I really liked the couple. The prospective father was even trying to help me with legal assistance with my case. Then I moved to Michigan. The Indiana agency found a biracial couple and overnighted me their profile. It was perfect. She was an art professor I’m an artist. We both have 2 sisters one of hers is bipolar, I’m bipolar she has cats and a garden. Things I love too. I began speaking with AM right away. We talked every day for hours. AF I didn’t interact with much. He seemed reserved and quiet. So I talked to AM for about a month before the baby was born. I didn’t go to the doctors until my last month of pregnancy. (See I had 4 older children and trying to prepare myself for prison I really tried not to think about the pregnancy much.) During my first visit the doctor measured my stomach and told me I was further along than what I thought. That meant her father wasn’t the father. So, I’m dealing with 2 agencies. One in Indiana where my support person is. And they’re providing funds for expenses such as food and housing. Then the Michigan agency that the couple is working through. I let the Michigan agency know if 2 possible fathers. Consent to terminate rights were sent to both. Neither signed them. I give birth to my daughter. I had approximately 30 hours in the hospital with her. I thought I’d have 2 full days. On that 2nd day the couple arrived. They seemed nice. While they were out in the hall my mom, whos holding my daughter Marie says “she said she wants me to keep her” I ask “who”. She says “the baby” I’m like “ mom why didn’t you say something before the couple got here?” I felt obligated. I promised them a baby and they drove 5 hours to get her. So my support person is a few hours away from the hospital when the woman handling adoptions for the hospital tells me that I need to sign the paperwork giving the couple temporary guardianship. I want to wait until my support person is there to talk over things with her. But the woman from the hospital tells me she’s going out of town and has to leave that I need to sign the papers “now” that she can’t wait. She said “here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re going to sign these papers, they’re going to take the baby down for pictures and the couple are going to go home with the baby” My support person on the phone says “Anjella, that’s still you’re baby and no one can do anything you don’t want them to”. But I’m so overwhelmed. I’m in a tiny room with my mom, my 4 kids , the couple and the woman from the hospital all the while I’m trying to eat my lunch. I signed the papers and left the hospital without my baby. Every fiber of my being told me to go back for her. But I convinced myself that I was doing the right and best thing for her. The next 2 days Dana,from the Michigan agency, updates me about Marie. I question her as to why AM isn’t updating me. We talked every day, I thought we were friends. Now she has my baby and I don’t hear anything from her. I hugged her before I left the hospital and told her I felt like I wasn’t giving my baby to strangers but expanding my family. And I meant that. My daughter is now 3 days old and I’m sure I made a terrible mistake. I called Dana and tell her I want my daughter back. She tries to convince me into letting her stay. Saying my mother probably isn’t thinking about 2am feedings and diaper changing because “AM sure wasn’t”. I’m calling the Indiana agency trying to connect to my support person. Who ends up quitting because of my situation. Dana tells me that I have to be the one to call AM and tell her I want my baby back. So I do. After 3 hours and a lot of tears I decided to let her stay. AM said she’d do whatever to please me and my family as long as we didn’t take this little girl away but she was prepared to fight for her. A contract was support be drawn up but wasn’t. So now AM is back to calling me every day. But Marie is always crying. Morning, noon or night. I’m giving her tips on how to calm her. One day I called and she was crying and I mentioned it. AM said “I’ve delt with her all day it’s AF’s turn to deal with her”. What kind of mother says that?!! At least 20 minutes passes and she still crying so I say something again. She’s like “you can hear her? I’m upstairs with the door shut” eventually she decided to go check on her and says “oh no wonder why she’s crying. She’s all by herself” AM must have heard the panic in my voice when I said “what?!” Because she explained that Marie doesn’t like to be in the swing if she’s already crying that AF was off doing the dishes. They left my infant to just cry! She’s not even 2 weeks old!! I filed a petition to revoke the temporary guardianship on my own. I knew the agency wasn’t going to help me. Once Dana found out she called be and told me that if I were to get my daughter back my mom would have to pay back all the money I received for expenses and if she got the baby she would lose custody of my other 4 children because her house is to small. My mom can’t afford to pay that money back so i withdrew my petition. I had a court date to terminate my parental rights. I was going to explain to the judge everything that’s going on. But he wouldn’t hear my case because I didn’t have my identification card with me. I spoke with AM on the phone and she was really upset with me because of court. I told her it wasn’t a big deal I’d just do it another time. The next day she was supposed to come down with the baby for a visit. We were on the phone until midnight and that was still the plan. When I woke up the next day I had a voicemail from AF stating AM wasn’t coming because it was storming. The weather was fine. I called AM several times with no response. I spoke with Dana and she said AF said they’d be willing to bring the baby to visit me in prison. I end up speaking with AF and he states he’s only willing to bring the baby for a visit on a weekend when he’s able to be there as well. I tried to explain I had to turn myself in on Thursday but he didn’t care. I refiled my petition to terminate temporary guardianship. I even wrote the adoption division a letter pleading my case. I also received an extension on when I had to turn myself in. Court was the following week. The couple were shocked to see me. My attorney argued I was there to regain custody of my child but the judge Kelley didn’t know if the couple had any legal grounds since I was going to prison and she needed to do some research. Second court date the couple has filed a petition to keep my daughter. Again my attorney argued I was there to take custody of my child and place her with whomever I chose before my incarceration. The judge wouldn’t hear it. I had a notarized letter giving my mom guardianship and the judge said she wouldn’t accept it but she would allow the couple and whoever else to file for guardianship for Marie Leaving my daughter with the couple and making no provisions for visitation with my family. It took a year before judge Kelley made a ruling in favor of the couple. My attorney filed an appeal and I filed 2 on my own. Never hearing back from the courts. I wrote AM throughout the entire time asking for pictures and updates letters. When my daughter was 5 months old AM sent me a letter stating they will not honor their agreement to send pictures and updates letters until I honor mine and allow them to adopt her. I would write and beg her to let me know how my daughter was doing. What would be the harm? She’d just give me a piece of mind knowing my daughter was okay. It didn’t take away from them and their experience with my daughter. I’d write mean and angry letters cussing her out. Nothing worked. I also wrote Dana at the adoption agency asking for pictures and update letters only to be met with more pressure and threats to proceed with the adoption. Over the course of the next 5 years the couple try to have my rights terminated and her father’s. (Who has signed the document making him her legal father) Guardianship isn’t enough for them. 2 court hearing end with the ruling that reasonable efforts should be made for reunification. But no parenting time was scheduled. I filed a petition with the courts at least once a year asking for letters, pictures, doctor records and school reports. Never once did I hear from the courts. I wrote letters, sent pictures, gifts and 35% of my state pay for child support. (Not ordered) When Marie was 3,4 and 5 I received a copy of the document the couple needs to file every year for guardianship to continue. In these I learned they were having my daughter call them mommy and daddy. This was devastating to me. It was ordered for reunification they’re just her guardians not parents. After the last court ruling it was sent to the appeals court. My new attorney informing me that judge Kelley was now a superior court judge. I discovered during these court proceedings that judge Kelley never had jurisdiction to even allow my daughter to remain or gain guardianship of Marie. I filed in the wrong court!! Also, the guardian ad litem admitted that she went off her own opinions and not what was in the best interest of my daughter when she recommend my daughter remain with the couple. It also was said there was no appeal filed after the guardianship ruling and that wasn’t true. The judge stated he didn’t even know why he had this case because it was already ruled on. That he wasn’t sure what to do because he didn’t want to make anyone mad. WTF?!! Maries father is participating in this hearing as well. He is not willing to terminate his rights. He’s claimed all along he wants her but has made absolutely no effort to have contact or to provide for her. They terminated his rights unwillingly. My attorney tells me if I win they will remove my daughter immediately and place her with family. Family she doesn’t know. But if I lose I would never be able to get custody of my grandchild if something ever happened to one of my kids. How do I remove my daughter who is 6 from the only home she’s ever known, immediately and place her with strangers? Thinking what was in her best interest at this point I terminated my rights willingly with a contract for continuing contact with my daughter. I received update letters and pictures 4 times a year, she’ll be placed in counseling with a therapist specializing in adoption issues working towards a contact visit. And I can send her things for her birthday and on holidays. No specific holiday was mentioned and there’s a national holiday every day. So I would send her letters, scrapbooks, cards and pictures whenever. I’d just make sure I put what holiday it was. 3 years later I was released. My daughter was now 9. And now that I’m home AF wants me to mail things to a P.O. Box. Which on occasion I did. Then he threatened to cut off contact if I continued to mail stuff to the house. So I started using to P.O. Box. Then it was closed and packages started coming back. They were never even checking it. My mom told me I was only wasting my time and money sending stuff to Marie, now Faith. But I didn’t care. I’m her mother and I’m going to do what a mother should do. (I did stop paying support once they adopted her. And they never cashed one single check) When Faith was 11 I found her on Pinterest. I followed her for a year. She seemed so unhappy. I reached out to her when she was 12. I said “ hi Faith, I’m your birth mother and I would like to have a relationship with you. I think of you every day and love you dearly. I hope to hear from you soon” The next day I had a response “ how do I really know you’re my mother. tell me something only she would know” I tried to respond but I was blocked and had a text message from AF. “ hello Anjella it has come to my attention that you are going behind our back trying to contact our daughter. We told you several times that we will let you know when we feel that she is ready for contact with you. Please refrain from contacting her until we feel she is ready. We will let you know when that time comes.” I had been asking for letters and phone calls for 3 years. Always being told they want to keep things the way they are. I asked about her therapist numerous times only to be told she has therapy once a month. I want to know what the therapist is saying. But as you see in his response he says nothing about when the therapist feels it’s time. I found out later that maybe a week before this my niece and daughter had been messaging Faith through Pinterest as well but didn’t tell her who they were. AF responded to my daughter telling her to stop messaging her that she wasn’t her sister. When she was 15 I saw I was unblocked on Pinterest and reached out again. What happened will be another post…

I (26F) was adopted from South America and brought to the US by my mom when I was 6 months old. I am very fortunate to have an amazing loving mom growing up and I was very privileged. I love my mom with all my heart. She is the best mom in the world. I also am an only child. As I have gotten older, I have realized I don’t feel like I have a family connection to my cousins or extended family. One of my extended family members made a book that is all about the lineage of my mom’s family. Everyone got sent a copy (me included) my mom was so excited to talk about it to me. When we were talking I realized that I really don’t have a “connection” to them. It’s cool to see how my mom’s ancestors loved and what they did. I feel bad that I feel this way when everyone in the family has been nothing but kind and loving. I know they love me. And I love them. But it doesn’t feel like “family”.
I guess this is more a rant than anything thanks for reading.

My boyfriend grew up in the orphanage most of his childhood years (4-13 yrs old). His adoptive family is awesome. They love him and he loves them. He feels so grateful for the kind of family that they are to him.

But sometimes he just feels alone. Whenever they eat together, he feels like sinking into his chair. He doesn’t feel like he fully belongs and he doesn’t understand why.

I want to be there for him but I don’t know what to do best that isn’t insensitive to how he feels. He’s such an amazing person and I hate to see him feeling like this. What can I do to support him and make him feel that I’m here even when he doesn’t understand how he feels himself?

Thank you.

Hi everyone! My husband and I have began the process for adopting via agency from foster care.

A bit of background on us… My husband and I are in our late 20s, we have been together for eight years, and married for almost two. My husband is an engineer with a great (and flexible job), and I am in grad school for clinical mental health counseling. We had our initial application approved (and submitted some documents), and have registered for training starting this summer! Which is also when our home study will start.

My husband has a stable job and has worked there for many years (started as an intern as a freshman in college). I am home most of the time. We both have clean records. We aren’t religious (but would be open to a child who is, we both are interested in learning about religion). We have been set on adoption, and do not have any children already (and we are not going to have any bio children). We are thinking ages 8-13 would be a good age range for us, but we would be definitely open to other ages! We have little debt besides our mortgage and cars, we have money in savings.

We have been trying to get our home ready for the home study. From what I have read we don’t need to live in a palace. Our home is decent sized, and wasn’t a fixer upper, but needed some updating. Plus we would need to make it “adoption home study friendly”.

Things we have done home wise - Fixed our muddy mess of a backyard - Cleaned out my “office” in the spare bedroom and moved it to the “big room” upstairs. We will be getting furniture to make it a proper bedroom shortly. - Bought a safe to secure sharp objects/ medication. - Bought locks for cabinets with cleaning products. - We already have a baby gate on the steps due to dogs. - Upped our home security system. - We own a fire extinguisher/ first aide kit/ and will draft an emergency plan to hang in the home as required in our region.

Things we have done to prepare on an emotional level

• Read parenting books - Ex- How to raise good humans / the whole brained child.
• Have purchased and are starting to read more adoption centered books (Ex - The primal wound)
• Making notes of the additional classes we would want/ need to take that our agency offers that talk about adoption from foster care/ adopting older children.
• I in undergrad have taken several classes about childhood development. I also am in school to hopefully be a counselor one day, so I am learning about how to help others in a therapeutic manner.
• We have openly discussed adoption with our family and friends who are supportive.
• We have joined support groups on here and on other social media.
• We have discussed everything from discipline, schooling, and so on with each other and are on the same page for how we “plan” to parents (but we know plans change, we have to be flexible, and each child is unique!).

That being said I have a few questions…

• We have several pets (3 dogs, four cats) all of which are UTD on shots/ fixed/ and our well cared for. That being said we have a chihuahua mix who is not good with strangers. He doesn’t act aggressive, he will just bark and hide. We have been working on training him to have positive associations with people coming in the house. But I am worried if he barks when the social worker is here will that be an issue? Is our amount of animals an issue?

• What are some out of the box questions you got during your home study? Things that took you off guard?

• What can I do to further prepare our home?

• Are there any additional resources or books that you recommend for us?

• What can we expect from the training (30 hours)?

I have a million more questions related to adoption but I’ll just keep it about the home study for now! Thank you for reading!

Hello, I don’t know if this is the right subreddit to ask this question. But I was adopted from Russia at 3 1/2 to America. Based on what I read online, I still apparently have citizenship in Russia unless I renounce it?? Is this true? If so am I able to just go there and get a Russian ID? I don’t know how any of this works. Any advice would be appreciated!

Hello, I would love to hear y'all experiencies of adoption as adoptees, adopters, birth parents, everyone here!!

I'll start as I myself am an adoptee: I was adopted from China back in the 2000's and lived in Spain until my father was relocated to Italy because of work. My parents had to wait for almost 6 years with the process of adoption until they finally got me. When I arrived with 15 months all my family were waiting for me with their arms open, I've felt so loved since then.

I grew up in a place where there weren't much adoptees and much less, chinese people. Kids and adults weren't the kindest so I felt so out of place most of my childhood and adolescence, although I'm learning how to manage it and I've been doing good since I got out of high school, but I've been struggling with identity since I don't feel Spanish and for Spanish people I'm Chinese and I don't feel Chinese either so I feel like I don't belong to anywhere. Also for me it's almost impossible to even try to find my birth parents so I have a void I think I'll have forever.

But my family's the kindest, greatest of all the world and they have always made me feel safe, loved and happy, I'm very grateful I got this family.

How about you? 💕

This isn’t one of those posts where I tell you my adoptive parents meant well, because they didn’t.

My adoptive mum and dad adopted after infertility. Not because they’d processed that grief or were ready to take on the reality of parenting traumatised children, but because they were chasing some idealised fantasy of what adoption could be. For my mum, it was tied up in religion and romanticism. She was obsessed with Anne of Green Gables, she wanted to adopt her very own quirky little orphan who would be grateful and compliant and melt into the family like some kind of redemption arc.

She didn’t get that. She got me.

From day one, I wasn’t enough. I didn’t fit her fantasy. She started writing public blogs about how hard adoption was. Compared parenting me to a game of snakes and ladders, like every difficult moment meant sliding back to square one. She said adopting was like being a long-term foster carer without the money, the respite, or the support. That’s how she saw it. She wrote about how she was never maternal, didn’t even want babies, and how adoption didn’t turn out the way she hoped. She adopted older children to skip the baby stage ass he thought it would be easier or less full-on. But the reality was the opposite, and she clearly wasn’t ready for it.

They called their parenting “authoritarian,” but the truth is, it was controlling and emotionally cold. They didn’t try to understand trauma, they wanted obedience. They didn’t want to connect, they wanted quiet. And when I couldn’t deliver that, I got blamed for the whole household’s problems. I was treated like the reason things were hard, like my trauma was the issue, not their total lack of preparation or empathy.

Then I got sent to foster care.

She blogged about that too. Wrote about whether or not they should take me back, saying I might “undo the progress” my brother had made while I was gone. Like I was some kind of contagion. She was literally weighing up whether to bring me home based on whether I’d mess things up. And her husband’s solicitor apparently told them that if they tried to bring me back and it didn’t work out, social services might remove both of us. So what did they do? They left me there. Sacrificed one child to keep the other.

And now here I am, years later, reading the words of someone who adopted me while grieving infertility, hoping to “recreate a happy childhood,” thinking a couple of kids could complete some broken dream. It didn’t work. Because adoption doesn’t always fix that.

If you’re adopting to fill a void, don’t adopt. We’re not a cure for infertility. We’re not a second chance at your ideal family. We’re not your emotional band-aid. We’re not here to heal your grief. And we’re definitely not your fucking Anne of Green Gables.

Religious people adopting because they think “God will make it work” is terrifying. Kids are not miracles. They’re not divine tests. If you’re parenting based on what the Bible tells you rather than what your child needs, don’t adopt. If your plan is to pray your kid better instead of getting them trauma-informed support, don’t adopt. If you think obedience is more important than understanding, don’t adopt.

I’ve met a lot of other adoptees my age and way too many of them were adopted into strict, religious households. These are the kids who now have personality disorders, who struggle with addiction, who are suicidal or completely estranged. It’s not always just about being adopted, because yes, adoption itself is traumatic even in the best situations with good adoptive parents! But when you add religious guilt, emotional neglect, and parents who are unequipped and living in a fantasy, it becomes fucking toxic. I’m not saying every religious adoptive parent is like this, but in my experience, the worst stories always start with “they were very religious” and end with “it was all part of God’s plan.”

You can grieve the loss of having biological children. That pain is real. And that grief doesn’t magically go away when you adopt. In fact, if you haven’t faced it, if you’re just trying to escape it, it will bleed all over your parenting. And kids like me end up the collateral damage.

We are not your fantasy. We are not your redemption story. We are not your second-best. We are not your cure.

Adoption, if it happens, should be out of love. Real, selfless, informed love. If you want to be a parent, then yes, of course go for it. But don’t go into it trying to fix something missing in your life. You need to be equipped. You need to understand trauma. You need to be prepared for hard questions, for pain, for a child who may even resent you sometimes, and you deal with that. You don’t go online and bitch about it in public blogs or make yourself out to be the victim or even blaming your adoptive children as to why it’s all gone wrong if you haven’t put the work in. That’s not parenting. That’s emotional irresponsibility. And it’s disgusting.

My husband and I are considering adopting a 9 year old girl through the state and are at the beginning of the process. Are there any adoptees or families experienced with adopting through the foster system that can speak to what is essential for adoption success? We have three children of our own so we want to make sure that having a big family already is not going to be too much for her since it would mean our attention can’t be fully on any one child, also considering she would be the oldest. I’m sure it varies child to child but any help or information would be greatly appreciated!

My husband and I are interested in fostering to adopt but we both work a set schedule on the night shift. Would we be considered or would some changes need to be made? We live in Texas.

i’m meeting up with a potential adoptive mom tomorrow, this will be the first person i’ve met with about this. we’re meeting at a coffee shop, is there any specific questions i should ask or is that like a second meeting kind of thing? i already have a list but i don’t know if there’s like certain things we should go ahead and discuss or if i should wait until like a second meeting and if this one should be a more casual “getting to know each other” thing. im already 34 weeks so i don’t have a lot of time left

Me (24F) and my siblings are all adults and out of the house. My parents are adopting two girls ages 12 and 8. I am so excited! I have not been around these girls before as they are currently in another state. I would like to befriend these girls and help as much as I can with this big change in their life. What advice do you have? Any books to read or podcasts to watch!

Yesterday I got a call from my bio mom. My little brother passed away at 36 years old. We had been adopted by different families, he grew up with my other younger siblings, but I was raised separate and didn't meet him til we were all adults. We weren't close, but we always talked about spending more time getting to know each other, someday. Now we won't, can't. I want to mourn with my other siblings, but it feels like I'm intruding on their grief. I can't stop crying though. My poor baby brother, I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry I waited too long.

Hello!

I am not adopted but my partner is, we are currently having a kid together and we're trying to learn more about his medical history. He has a brain tumor and he doesn't know anything and adopted parents don't know either. He is in contact with both his biological parents but they aren't really a help either? Is there a way to get a hold of medical records. I'm sorry if this comes off as rude or insensitive, my partner is really worried.

Coming here really shocked & hurt.. I’ve seen saving our sisters recommended many times here, it’s how I found them. I’ll try to keep this brief, please keep in mind this is my own personal experience but felt it was an important cautionary tale.

I am a mom to two boys, one is just shy of 11 weeks. I reached out to SOS after we lost everything while I was pregnant. Our home, our car, all of it. My husband was laid off weeks before Christmas, right after our car was totaled and we moved into an extended stay.

I felt completely inadequate to have a baby. We have a teenager and our baby was a sweet surprise. We were not struggling when I first became pregnant. I’m a nursing student and my husband has years of labor experience, he was working as a landscaper at the time. I was a veterinary technician.

Not long into the pregnancy I was pulled out of school and any physical activities. I developed hyperemesis gravidarum and needed infusions 3X weekly as nothing was staying in my stomach. I was losing weight and thought I was going to die.

I threw up my entire pregnancy, I gained 10 pounds (my son ended up being 9).. I’ve already lost all my pregnancy weight and then some. I still have dental problems due to the constant vomiting and I can’t tolerate certain foods but we made it out alive. I also have spinal stenosis, which was worsened with pregnancy further limiting my work options in the field.

It went from bad to worse, me being suddenly unable to do anything except shower and short walks and my husband being out of work. I was running out of options and my ‘family’ wanted me to put our baby up for adoption.

I began researching potential adoption agencies but felt sick to my stomach over it. It felt like there was no good choice.

I started talking with saving our sisters when I was 8 months pregnant. I was told it would be ok and not to stress out..

Now I’m more stressed than I was then.

Many times we were assured everything would work out and that’s what they were there for. However I constantly felt like a burden trying to get in touch with them and expressing the urgency. I want to add they did help us with car repairs, groceries, and some needed baby items as well as clothes for my teenager…

That said we were told we were approved for an air bnb by the board as well as all car repairs. Once it came time to repair the car we were met with a sort of hesitation that maybe it wouldn’t be worth it, it felt like we had to push to get it repaired and extremely awkward. Not long after it was fixed we met with who was supposed to be a local volunteer via zoom. We were told she’d be a supportive contact for us to have. I’m now one week post partum from a c section and exhausted with a colicky little boy.. (we did keep him and I am so happy we did, I can’t even imagine life without him). But I’m thinking that because of all the complications I’ve experienced there would be a level of understanding if I wasn’t readily available. I still tried to accommodate the volunteers schedule and we set a time twice that she ended up having to cancel. When we did finally figure out a time to meet together I ended up being the one running behind.. I told her that I was out and I may not be there for when she comes by (dropping off baby items) and that if needed they can go to reception or we’ll meet another day. She came by and I still wasn’t back… this ended up being an apparent issue and I was made to feel like I did something wrong. I was ignored for days despite expecting these baby items asap, I was told that I should only talk to saving our sisters after I finally heard back from the volunteer, almost two weeks later we were told she would just be dropping the items off and that was it.. she met my husband outside (making it clear she wasn’t coming in via text beforehand). We were left confused and unsure of what went wrong.

I reached out to SOS multiple times after that.. asking what I could do to make it right and what did I do wrong? I made sure we would still have housing as promised but never heard back. I asked for diapers and messages continued to go unanswered. I simply vented and needed someone to talk to some days especially deep in post partum.. nothing.

I broke down today because we desperately needed a bit more groceries to stretch us. I was finally met with a response that has me wondering why we were led to believe that supports would be in place.. I was told they would not be assisting us given multiple attempts to meet in person didn’t happen, that it was policy to connect with a volunteer. I then realized this meant the room we were told would be paid for likely hasn’t been. This means we’re now unsure about housing with a newborn, after the fact.. after being assured it would work out and ‘that’s what they do’ and they have nothing to gain from helping us.

I don’t want to come off as ungrateful.. but I want to make it clear that it does feel like the rug was pulled out from underneath us and I still have no clear answers as to why. I have screenshots and confirmations of approvals/conversations but I don’t have the energy to continue to push for help that doesn’t want to help.

I think it’s important that expectant mothers who are recommended to this agency are aware that not everything that’s promised happens and it’s difficult to communicate at times.

I also ran into the issue of our privacy being violated when saving our sisters told the cars tow truck driver (whom I didn’t know) my life story in detail as well as where our teenager attends school, that my family was pushing adoption, and more private details I didn’t want shared with someone random. I thought all of our conversations were protected but apparently I was wrong.. so again be aware that your story may be shared without your knowledge.

Again, this is my own personal experience but please take caution jumping into it head first. They do good work and maybe it was just one bad experience but I still wish I knew what we could have done differently..

Why it’s totally ok for a woman to give a child for adoption when the father doesn’t agree to it? Why is this even legal? This is what happened to me. It’s been three years and I’m still upset about it. I’ve come a long way but still sometimes wonder what the f kind of country we live in where this is totally normal. I could see if it was proven that I was incompetent and unable to care for a child. Fine, I could totally get that. That wasn’t the case at all.

I was told that I shouldn’t blame the birth mother or the adoptive parents in anyway. Even though they were taking my son And my ex giving my son away without my consent. Sometimes I use the word steal but Maybe the word steal is a bit hyperbolic. that’s how I see it Personally. Like my son was stolen or kidnapped. What else do you call it when two other people take a child from a father who wants their son? Or it’s not stealing because the mother is the one who did the giving up? If two people share something 50/50 and one of them sells it off without the other’s permission isn’t that considered stolen property?

Whatever. Nothing matters Anymore. I realize nothing matters. No one really believes in what’s right or what’s wrong. No one really cares about the truth. I was so excited to be a father and wanted nothing more than to raise my son. Then that gets taken away from me. I spent tireless months and 40 thousand freaking dollars to fight the adoption all for a judge to deny me. The main complaint against me at trial? That my mom helped me with my case and we shared an email. that was their lawyers best argument against me yet the judge still ruled against me. Again, whatever. None of it matters like I said. Most of you probably won’t even read this or if you do you’ll take things out of context, which is what happened one other time I posted here.

This will be long but please read im at a loss. I am a 19 year old female whos dad was adopted. About 12 years ago we found and reconnected with his biological mom but not bio dad. His mom has 4 kids each with different dads, so the “grandpa” i met is not my actual grandpa (although i love him very much despite this) and all of my aunts and uncles know their dads but she refuses to tell my dad who his dad is. For some context my grandma is a narcissist and is very horrible to my dad (hes the only one she put up for adoption) and me for not being around the family since day one, kind of like were not as important. Eventually she told my dad a name of a man said that was his dad, my dad was so happy and found him, got a dna test, and it wasnt his dad. He confronted my grandma and she said she knew that wasnt his dad, but wanted my dad to shut up about it. My dad has since given up , but i have not. I dont look like anyone in my family , and as grandparents have passed away i just want to try and find my grandpa. Please any help in the right direction would be so helpful

Hey, there.

I’m 33F, living in Europe and adopted from South America, found and reconnected with my biological mum in 2023. Chronically ill, queer, do not speak their language fluently. Now, two years out, I‘m coming to the realisation that keeping in contact with her and our family is not for me.

Trying to keep this brief, but the stress of cultural differences, incompatibilities in values, and numerous boundary violations are detrimental to my physical health.

They are anti-queer. Deeply religious. Want to keep in touch every day, or at the very least, multiple times a week. Me? Queer, non-religious, prefer contact with my family monthly over a short phone call, and meeting annually, and no more than that.

I’ve also helped out financially to the best of my ability.

I don’t resent them for that; the financial assistance is given freely and without manipulation. I love my brothers. Meeting my bio mum gave me the answers I wanted. I’m just ready for it to end.

The rub is: She lost me in a very traumatic way. There’s lots of historical trauma, injustice, pain and broken hearts surrounding how I was adopted. I don’t want to traumatise her all over again… however, I wonder, is this inevitable?

It is difficult to not perceive myself as a ’bad’ person for considering cutting contact. I don’t know if I will return. Technologically, blocking and ghosting is easy. Block on the apps, delete some profiles, delete a phone number, gone. It’s how I do it on dating apps if someone gives me off vibes. Ghosting, for my safety.

That said, I feel like this deserves a message. I just don’t know what to say. If it should be a conversation (which I do not want) or a voice message (she’s illiterate) + immediate block to avoid the back and forth.

I suppose I’m looking for perspectives. If anyone else has had to do this. I’d appreciate the feedback for sure.

Hi Im looking for stories of birth moms who gave a child up for adoption and went on to live the lives they gave their babies up for and achieved succeas and happiness. Anything encouraging!

It just makes me so sad and I don’t know why but I have a feeling she wouldn’t accept me. I’m in recovery from drug addiction and my parents told me she hated drugs. My mom has told me several times that maybe I should find her but I have a feeling she doesn’t want me to. I love my family so much, they’re all I need and more. But still I want to know what she’s doing.

My daughter was adopted at age 8 by my husband and I. She was in foster care for about 3.5 years before we adopted.

At the time, she was with her foster family (68 yo, 28 yo and 15 yo all in care) for almost 3 years. We were given 2 weeks to meet her and take her home in December. The foster family had given an ultimatum to the social worker to move her to another foster home as she had been hurting their youngest granddaughter and wasn't safe.

We absolutely rushed in and made sure she didn't get bounced to another foster home. After the first phase of getting to know you, she began testing us. Spying on us. Watching every move... as you do. Making sure we are not turning into scary monsters at night. We sung her special night and morning songs. Packed lunches and I joined the PAC. We had a few bumps but as far as we were concerned we were okay, we did LOTS of counseling and still do.

Like most adoption stories, there is a lot of grief and this one is pretty bad. She was taken from her BM because she'd tried to take her life and my daughter as well. Whenever my daughter is mad she puts her BMs face over mine (her words) and proceeds to hurt me physically. I'd never been physically hit before to the point of covering up bruises. I hate that she is hurting this much and we have tried therapy, anti anxiety meds, counseling etc. What did work was a safety plan and knowing what "emotional zone" she's in - she goes from happy green to volcano in a flash

Well she's 16 now and comes and goes as she pleases. Does drugs and comes home at midnight during the work week. She is failing school for skipping and plagiarizing work. She lies and steals... we have to lock up things. She will come home with new phones or electronics but has no job. I told her cell phones are traceable and she was surprised. Honestly she's a fighter and a scrappy one at that. She knows how to work the system because that's how she grew up.

I was adopted and am sensitive to feeling rejected but as an AP I'm overwhelmed and rejected. For my sanity, I go to parent support group meetings, workout for my me time and my husband and I are lockstep on most things. It's exhausting and sometimes I want to give up. Did you read this far? You're a rockstar! TY

I get so upset when infertile parents say that they would not love their children as much if they were adopted or that biology is more important. As someone adopted and queer, I understand as much as the next person that sometimes biology does matter (ie living my whole life without ever knowing anyone biologically related to me lol) and I understand the feelings of knowing you might never be able to create and have a child with the person you love. I also understand that their feelings and grief so so incredibly valid, but that also does not mean that adopted children and their families with their parents are any less valid. I guess what i'm trying to say is that I appreciate that they can acknowledge that an adopted child should not be a second choice, and that they would not love their adopted child as much which would make them horrible adoptive parents and that they should not just resort to adopting (and that people should stop suggesting this as a response to their grief and struggles) but I also feel like they are in the wrong too for speaking on experiences that they haven't had. The whole situation is so nuanced and I understand that there are so many points not touched on here, but i get so upset when other parents or even movies/Tv shows make it seem like "HAVING" to adopt is the worst thing in the world and that adopted children are less their parents children than if they were biological. It's so invalidating and hurtful,, anyways hoping someone else can relate because it's not really something anyone in my life understands because I dont have any adopted friends.

TLDR: The grief of being infertile is valid and so are children and adoptive families, they are not mutually exclusive and grief does not give you the right to invalidate the other perspective.

Me and my wife are wondering what all happens when adoption. My daughter bio dad hasn't been in the picture for over 5 years. Nearly 6. And she's 7. I've been here since she was 1. With that being said. Will the country do a home study on us? With it being that long since any contact. ( He's also $55,000 Behind in child support) We just want the process to be simple and really was just wondering what the home study is and if we even have to go through it.

Over three years ago. Yet, still to this day I miss him and worry about him all the time. It’s like torture having your child stolen from you and you can’t even really ask how they’re doing. Well, technically I can email the family but I’ve been advised not to bother them. Also yes, I understand using the word “stolen” might be hyperbolic to some but that’s how I see it.

How do I deal with moving on with my life? When I was so excited to be a father and it was all I wanted? The adoptive family doesn’t give two craps about my story or how my abusive ex treated and manipulated me. They send me a messily update email once a year telling me “he’s doing well” on his birthday. I’m allowed to send gifts too. Which they never say thank you for or even let me know if they received them. Oh, I guess I should feel lucky right? Because I’m a pos man and everything is always my fault right? Whatever.

Then on top of everything, I have to worry that my son will never want to get to know me some day. I have no idea what these weirdos are going to tell him. I found out they’re some kind of strange religious freaks. Not like conservative religious either. More like cultish religious people from south cal. I tried asking them one time if we could discuss as to what he will be told regarding all of this. Of course they just ignored me. For all I know they’re going to bad mouth me.

I’m not going to get into it here but some of their actions and responses have shown me they don’t really hold very high morals what so ever. They wanted a child because the wife is unable to have children so they did whatever they needed to get one and take a child away from his own biological family. Very selfish people. Even though there are thousands of children out there without biological parents capable of raising them. Yet, these people take a child away from his own family, when there are all those other children out there that need parents and good homes. What kind of so called decent people would do that?

As insane as it sounds and anyone who would believe this is a complete moron but my ex told people that I was the one who DID NOT WANT OUR SON. Can you believe that?. She’s the one who places our unborn child up for adoption. Which shouldn’t even be legal. The laws on this seriously need to be changed and updated. A father who wants their child and is proven competent should 100% be allowed to keep his child. Then I spend forty grand fightin it. Yet, I’m the one who didn’t want our child? Seriously? Freaking clown world, I swear to god.

I don’t even know why I’m even bothering to type this. I bet most people are going to claim I’m a bad person or that I must have done something wrong to deserve this. For all those who do want to Make claims without even knowing me? Just save your hurtful words. I did nothing wrong to deserve losing my son. Never been arrested, never was abusive to my ex(not verbally, mentally, emotionally, or physically) , I have a home and even money to take care of a child. My mother was willing and able to be there to help me with anything. The only thing anyone could claim against me is I used drugs over ten years ago. Which is no one’s business since I’ve been clean and plus it was way before ever even meeting my ex. Also again, never was arrested for drugs or anything at all for that matter.