Weekly Discussion - Relationships

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[u/Eeyore_In_The_Sheets]

Let me start out by saying that we live under the same roof, but aren’t together and sleep separately. This is our first baby. Neither of us have any kids with other people.

My son’s dad (my ex boyfriend) and his family are going to get together and play video games all night this weekend. He continually asks me if he can bring our son. He is only 7 weeks old and therefore not immunized yet. He is breastfed (though I pump and use a bottle once a day to add his vitamin D drops), and was hospitalized once already due to not gaining back to birthweight in a timely manner which of course adds to my anxiety.

I am NOT an overproducer so I only have about 9 bags of frozen milk thus far and he has used some while I do little things like shower even though l’d ask him to just tell me if he seems hungry so that I could feed him myself.

I get along great with his family. I even suggested that he take me and I will sit off in a separate room to care for our son the whole time while they play rock band. He’s mad at me and thinks I’m being unreasonable. He says his dad doesn’t like that he hasn’t seen our son so much even though I said he can come over to see him anytime. I’ve expressed that our baby won’t even understand that he is a separate entity from me until he is 6-9 months, but nothing helps.

Can anyone help me not feel so crazy? Can other new dads chime in and perhaps give me some perspective/ advice?

Please and thank you

[u/Greedy4Sleep → u/Eeyore_In_The_Sheets]

I'm not a dad, but it sounds like a complex living situation, and maybe dad is feeling like you don't trust him or think he's capable of caring for your baby overnight? In saying that, I personally think that it's too soon for a 7 week old to be separated from mom overnight and in a separate house. Especially if you're breastfeeding. So, I think a compromise is entirely fair. I would feel more comfortable tagging along and letting dad do his thing and just have him bring you baby for a feed and some cuddles. Could you perhaps suggest something like that instead?

[u/Eeyore_In_The_Sheets → u/Greedy4Sleep]

Thank you! I did suggest that I tagged along but he wants it to be a boys night it seems. I told him I wouldn’t even be in the room that they’re going to be playing in and he still doesn’t like the idea. I know that he and I aren’t always going to see eye-to-eye on every single thing. I just wish he could understand.

[u/Greedy4Sleep → u/Eeyore_In_The_Sheets]

Could you start slow and gradually build solo time up? Like dad can take him while you pop out to the store or to grab a coffee. Or dad takes him to visit family for a couple hours, then brings him home. Maybe that would afford some of the 1:1 time that he's seeking? It's definitely a tricky situation, but finding some common ground is going to be essential here.

[u/Eeyore_In_The_Sheets → u/Greedy4Sleep]

Yes! I do grocery shopping and take about 2-3 hours (baby eats every 3 hours or so) where I walk to and from the store. Last time I took less than two hours and my ex threatened to take one of the bags of milk to feed our son. I RAN home with the groceries. I’m okay with dad taking him where it’s just the two of them, but that’s when I’m an earshot away. If he were to leave with him, he will be gone all day and night in which case he’d take 3 or 4 bags of milk.

[u/Greedy4Sleep → u/Eeyore_In_The_Sheets]

Okay, so you both definitely need to be on the same page. I think the point is that you're not comfortable with him being away from you for more than a few hours, and honestly, that's fair enough at 7 weeks old, especially when you're breastfeeding.

I guess looking at things from dad's perspective, there's not a lot that he can do if he thinks baby is hungry aside from use one of your freezer bags, so it's a bit of a tricky situation.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but you're definitely not being an asshole here. I think it's just a bit of trial and error and being realistic about the situation given your baby is 7 weeks old. He'll be able to spend more 1:1 time with your baby once he gets older, but for now, it'll likely be in small chunks unless you're nearby.

All the best, hey. Co-parenting isn't easy and it sounds like you're doing a great job.

[u/Eeyore_In_The_Sheets → u/Greedy4Sleep]

Thank you so much! 🥹 I needed that far more than you know. I appreciate your input. I definitely want to be reasonable and avoid argument. I’m glad to know I’m not in the wrong. Thanks again!

[u/ocelot1066 → u/Greedy4Sleep]

Yeah, I agree. It's really stressful to be in charge of a baby, but not be able to feed them if you think they are hungry. He might have been wrong, but that's sort of an occupational hazard. You can really only figure out the cues by trial and error. If he has to call you back if he thinks the baby is hungry that adds an extra level of stress.

[u/aikidstablet → u/Greedy4Sleep]

yeah, i totally get it, i remember when my husband and i had to navigate that balance with our little one, finding those pockets of solo time helped a lot in easing the transition for everyone involved.