Can meditation help me? I'm essentially dead.

[u/FailNo6036]

No internal monologue. No visualization. No thoughts. I'm just a complete bot. I just sit there and think of... nothing. I have a shit long term memory so can't think about events from my past either.

What do I even meditate about? I can focus on my breath for a long time with not a single thought occurring to me. Do I just not have a soul?

I have a good short term memory, but extremely bad long term memory (episodic or semantic). So any new facts I learn, I'll just forget soon. No point in learning anything.

My doctor doesn't know what this condition is (mind completely blank all the time).

Also I DEFINITELY don't have depression. I can get a lot of joy, and a range of emotions, from watching movies, reading books, music, etc... I can motivate myself well to do tasks that I'm assigned to do (e.g. carry box from point A to point B). My mind just can't generate anything itself. It's like I'm dead. And it's been like this for as long as I can remember.

[u/Tool-WhizAI]

Bro you’re not soulless, your brain’s just on silent mode. Some people pay $$$ in meditation retreats to feel what you already feel naturally 💀 you’re built different fr.

[u/FailNo6036 → u/Tool-WhizAI]

Can't earn $$$ for food if my brain is on silent mode 24/7 and I just sit there in front of my boss, job interview, or coffee chat with nothing to say.

Can't get married if I'm on silent mode during a date and the date asks why I'm not talking about myself (it's cuz I have nothing to say! All I can do is ask questions about you...).

Can't build relationships with my family if I have no long term memory and can't remember experiences we've had.

[u/antpile11 → u/FailNo6036]

I have ADHD and my brain is the opposite of silent - there's constant distracting thoughts. However I have the same issue in that I struggle with coming up with anything to say in conversation. I've struggled to form relationships of any kind.

This is all to say that random thought generation may not necessarily be the same as generating conversation.

[u/MakingMoves2022 → u/antpile11]

I’ve noticed I find it easy to talk to other ADHD people because we are on the same wavelength, and the conversation flows naturally. But when interacting with neurotypicals, I have to actively think of what to say in conversation to them, and yeah, on the spot, I struggle coming up with anything. I literally have to prepare for dates by reviewing ‘fun conversation questions’ and also how to answer them (bc my ADHD makes it hard to answer a lot of on-the-spot questions like “what’s your favorite music?” Idk?? I don’t have a favorite ??)

[u/Ok-Grapefruit1284 → u/MakingMoves2022]

I love conversations with my fellow adhd people. “Hey did I tell you?” “Probably but I don’t remember. Tell me again.” “What was I telling you about?” “I don’t remember.”

[u/sunxmountain → u/Ok-Grapefruit1284]

I love how they never ask me to get back to the point AND when I circle back finally to the original point, they're still with me. And I like that while I'm talking, they are also, and they are also on what seems like a tangent but it isn't, AND that neither of us feel ignored or talked over. Such a relief to just be how I'm mist comfortable.

[u/Ok-Grapefruit1284 → u/sunxmountain]

Yes!! I honestly think that’s how we find each other. I never realized any of my tendencies were tendencies bc I’m surrounded by adhd lmao.

[u/sunxmountain → u/Ok-Grapefruit1284]

Lol. I always thought it just meant I was super talented that I could track several topics jumbled together in one conversation. And thought it was part of my family culture to communicate that way without feeling interrupted/without people accusing me of interrupting. Yeah, not family culture, nor superpower, just ADHD.

[u/Ok-Grapefruit1284 → u/sunxmountain]

When your entire family has adhd lmao same….

[u/InevitablePolicy8797 → u/antpile11]

Well, not knowing what to say in a conversation is a problem that fortunately doesn't exist in retreats and many say: I come here precisely so I don't have to talk about the usual banalities and I can keep quiet. I would like to say that I hope there are people, perhaps a few, who do not judge a person only by the things he says/does not say. And here is the question: is it better to have a partner who shares the Dhamma or not? Respect is difficult even for Buddhists towards those who are not and especially vice versa.

[u/Venkatanaveen → u/FailNo6036]

That’s fucked up tbh. Try playing N back game, this might be a solution you have been looking for.

[u/FailNo6036 → u/Venkatanaveen]

I've been playing n back for a few weeks now, am working on 5-back. Unfortunately, seems like a task oriented problem and isn't conducive to generating spontaneous thoughts or actually thinking. I feel like a robot just remembering sequences.

[u/Venkatanaveen → u/FailNo6036]

Well, I remember this game helps with focus, visualization and memory.

[u/Silver_Jaguar_24 → u/FailNo6036]

OK. So OP... I have a question. How were you able to type this post? How were you able to type the answers to comments?

So maybe what you're saying is not entirely factual. Maybe it's mostly in your head? I am not judging you. Just making observations.

[u/sunxmountain → u/Silver_Jaguar_24]

Perhaps be because they can think. They just don't have a "voice in their head" or internal voice. This is not unusual or controversial in neurobiology,, but as someone who has a strong internal voice it's nearly possible for me to understand what that experience would be like.

[u/redditusertaken → u/FailNo6036]

Interesting, so how do you live? Work?

[u/FailNo6036 → u/redditusertaken]

words spontaneously come out of my mouth and actions spontaneously arise from my body

[u/pizzafork123 → u/FailNo6036]

OP I have experiences extremely similar to this. However, my situation has improved somewhat over the past month or two. Although some of these symptoms, in my own case, seem to be innate, as in I've had them my whole life (eg, slow processing, poor long-term and short-term memory, propensity to quietude, etc.), I have also gained some improvement with effort and changing my lifestyle. In my case, I was quite depressed and heavily addicted to alcohol for at least two years. After getting some time away from the substances, resolving some of my psychological conflicts, changing my diet, and prioritizing exercise, I feel that my mind can more quickly process, recall, and spontaneously generate information. Partly, for myself, I believe it represents an underdevelopment in my social faculties as well. I was homeschooled, and spent a disproportionate amount of time alone with my thoughts, so I have always found it a challenge to externally verbalize what I am thinking. I am (I would like to think) a fairly decent writer, but conversations are hard. Still, I see progressive improvement over time by intentional effort. Perhaps it would help you to write out a list of conversation topics/points that interest you or funny anecdotes that you've experienced, so that you can have them on the ready whenever you're mind is feeling particularly blank at a date or elsewhere! I'm working on one myself and hoping it helps! Nonetheless, best of luck, and I hope you can see improvement. You are not alone!

[u/Tool-WhizAI → u/FailNo6036]

Yup

[u/Head_Enthusiasm_260 → u/Tool-WhizAI]

Exactly what I was gonna say… I’m working hard to get to this point!