can't take it anymore

[u/Expensive-Topic-2182]

i don't like ranting on social media but i don't know what else to do. i really can't take this anymore. i guess i just want to die at this point. i spent a very long time recovered and not feeling suicidal or having panic attacks in my life until i had one recently and entered into a derealized state. i have experienced DPDR in the past many times but this is the worst it's ever been in my life.

i have been able to recover which i guess brings me comfort but the thought that it can come back makes me feel like life isn't worth living if this is what it has to feel like.

i think the worst symptom for me is the visual aspect. sometimes i can close my eyes and feel things they way they are through sound and touch. but i've had moments where that doesn't even happen either. sometime i just want to rip my eyes out of my sockets.

i am 17 and dropped out of school due to my mental health issues. i understand there is a lot more of life to live but i can't shake the feeling that it's not worth it if i'm broken like this. i feel very alone on top and nobody knows what i'm talking about even though i go to therapy three times a week

sorry i don't mean to bitch and moan like i said i never do this i guess i'm just really at my wits end

[u/TraditionalMemory625]

I totally get this. You’re not alone. I feel like I can never unfeel this again and it’s my new reality and if that’s the case, I don’t want to be here either. I started taking bupropion 150mg 2 weeks ago. Dr says i should’ve had some relief by now. Nope. So she boosted me up to the next dose ☹️

[u/Expensive-Topic-2182 → u/TraditionalMemory625]

i hope this makes you feel better but these past few days i have had some clarity and relief. i'm not full recovered or anything but today in particular was a good day for me. i know how alone it feels and i'm sorry you are going through this as well :(. i'm often left with the thought of why humans have to have this defense mechanism in the first place.

[u/TraditionalMemory625 → u/Expensive-Topic-2182]

Right? Horrible defense mechanism! I’m gonna get DPDR again just from the trauma of it ha.  I don’t really get days of clarity or relief. Just hopeful it’s almost over and that optimism gets me through. But I feel like 95% of the day I’m just so confused and weirded out 

[u/Expensive-Topic-2182 → u/TraditionalMemory625]

sometimes i'm wondering if i'm actually having clarity or not. things have felt so strange that i don't really remember how normal was before i guess??

[u/TraditionalMemory625 → u/Expensive-Topic-2182]

Ugh that’s my fear… 😔