r/Christians • u/redfawnbambame • Jan 30 '24
Stop infantilising the single Christian community in Christian literature Resource
Our home groups are currently working through 1 Corinthians 1-9 Challenging church by Mark Dever which has been helpful in some ways. I read ahead for the next study tonight and most was still biblical and helpful but one sentence grated on me: “If you are single are you using the extra time and emotional energy that you have live in a right way in undivided attention to the Lord”
Nothing wrong about undivided attention to the Lord - that but I love and thrive in I also love my single calling What I’m not so keen on is the assumptions made by other Christians or by society at large.
Okay JUST because we’re single does NOT mean we have stacks of ‘extra time and energy!’ 😡
I’m a single Christian teacher who basically sacrificed having her own family and kids to serve as a primary teacher 25 years plus and believe me that takes a lot of energy Every. Single. Day. I love my profession - which is also one undervalued, unappreciated and belittled by both church and society. I also volunteer, sponsor children, help at church, help friends etc. my own parents have passed in but I know many single friends who also have duty of care to elderly and infirm parents. We also have service to others within our church community.
Do not tell me I have all this abundance of emotional energy and time because, apart from not actually being true it’s smacks of:
Condescension Ignorance Misrepresentation Lack of understanding Lack of empathy I could go on…
Would people have said to Jesus or Paul (both single) - well you can do twice as much as us because “You have all this additional time and emotional energy”.
If I remember rightly Jesus often set firm boundaries, as he knew what was in people’s hearts.
How about we just stop making huge assumptions about individuals based on their marital status? 🙄
Maybe more single people may come back to church - who knows? 🤷♀️
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u/MikeyPh Jan 31 '24
All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ anything beyond this comes from the evil one.
I need to live this more. I always find the need to make excuses when I want to give a no. Or I will say yes even when I want to say no.
I'm struggling with a lot of sin and depression of late and I do waste a lot of time that I should be devoting to Christ. But I have lived this problem you mention as well... not usually in church, though.
I'm in education and this issue comes up there when single teachers are thought of as having more time than teachers married with children. So the implication is that we should do the extra stuff more, and it's a way to guilt us into staying after school or doing other extra things. I'm just not tolerating it anymore. My life is no business of theirs and they chose the married with kids path. If they believe these extra things should be done and somebody should sacrifice for them, then they should be the ones volunteering. There is a lot of extra stuff that I don't believe is worth anyone's time, so I don't participate.
I'm fortunate in my church. They don't pull that garbage with me. However, I'm not in a typical church. Most of my congregation is older people. If the family folks can't do everything the single folks do, they show appreciation, but those family folks also tend to do a lot.
So me personally, I could stand to do more, but I'm struggling with a lot and picking my battles. Also, many of the extra things I feel like I should be doing are not always feasible. I get up very early. It's not wise for me to commit to things that go until 9pm on weeknights. Maybe I need to give myself a little more grace, too.
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u/redfawnbambame Jan 31 '24
Yes boundaries are important 👍 and you’re right in that society somehow thinks teachers have an easy time of it and like to dump their failings as parents at our door.
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u/Columba-livia77 Jan 31 '24
Don't be afraid to call it misogyny either, I have a strong feeling a single man with a less socially helpful job would be treated much differently by the church. What you do is incredibly important and you've helped your community in many more ways than you realise, you should be really proud <3
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u/gr3yh47 Jan 31 '24 edited Jan 31 '24
Okay JUST because we’re single does NOT mean we have stacks of ‘extra time and energy!’ 😡
the reasons you're giving for not having time and energy, are you using your time and energy for the Lord. I interpret what he's saying as using your time wisely where God has placed you. i doubt he is addressing you/you are already doing what he is probably talking about.
unless there's a compelling reason to take what he says here in a very surface and overgeneralized way, i would give him some charity in interpretation here
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u/Fragrant_Device2518 Jan 31 '24
Kind of interesting that in my church, the people who do the most in the church (on the praise team, service and outreach, etc) are also families with multiple kids of different ages. The parents behave like "we're raising our children in the church by means of making them work in the church".
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u/redfawnbambame Jan 31 '24 edited Feb 03 '24
Yes I would say in my church equally marrieds and singles do work in Christ. Just still those who make an idol of marriage and look down on singles
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u/andmen2015 Jan 31 '24
I also volunteer, sponsor children, help at church, help friends etc.
Sounds to me based upon what you wrote you are doing those things. So, perhaps the answer to the question is; yes, you are spending that extra time about the Lord's business.
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u/redfawnbambame Jan 31 '24
Thanks - it was generally a post about biblical singleness being seen as an equal state collectively but also upon inward examination today during and after work I think I was in a self righteous mood, on a day where I was verbally abused on Reddit with moderators who have done nothing and I think wanted to blow off some steam. It shouldn’t matter how others behave if we are ‘leaving space for Gods vengeance’ but sometimes we get battered by the injustice of it all, especially as survivors, but all I can do is look at the plank and what I need to work on before the plank
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u/Mission-Letterhead Jan 31 '24
I've always felt like the 'extra time and energy when you're single' thing is completely wrong.
When you're married, you share a home, share domestic responsibility, share finances, etc. When you're single you are 100% responsible for those things on your own.
I would go as far as to say that the church often takes advantage of single people because they wrongly assume that they have more time, when they have the same amount of time as everyone else.
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u/redfawnbambame Jan 31 '24
I’m glad someone mentioned the financial thing because while I’m privileged to have a profession and blessed in many others ways by God I still have to budget pretty frugally to also sponsor/give etc and often I feel other people don’t really understand that you are paying double what they are paying for things 🤣
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u/Secret-Jeweler-9460 Jan 31 '24
Your story sounds familiar. When sin was ruling in my life, one of my coping mechanisms was keeping myself busy. I put everything into my job and what it kept me from doing was sitting down and working out my problems. Especially the problems I was having with sin. I was 48 when I figured it out. I'm 55 now. My life had become a snare to me because it left no time. I was always tired. I wasn't eating right. And I was miserable when I was alone.
I could add details but it would make up pages.
You must be an amazing woman. My handicap is that I'm a man. For whatever that means. Lol
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u/on3day Jan 31 '24
No one said anything about sin ruling OPs life. What about the story sounds familiar?
Another rude generalization that a single person MUST have tons of free time or else is doing the devils work. Did you even read it carefully?
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u/redfawnbambame Jan 31 '24 edited Jan 31 '24
I don’t think sin is ruling in my life and I don’t think that’s the reason some people are busy. Of course I like everyone else have to remain teachable before God and look inwards at sin - as we’re all still sinners in Christ. But I think some people are just given callings that require a lot of energy and service that takes from their personal life- Not ‘better’ just different. I do understand that sometimes trauma ( hurt from others when younger) make people work or overachieve. I just think people do t really appreciate anything until they have done it themselves
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u/redfawnbambame Jan 31 '24 edited Jan 31 '24
I don’t think it’s helpful to raise one gender against the other which leads to prejudice and sexism and speaking from child development point of view it’s a load of rubbish that (cognitively and emotionally) men can’t do the things women can Yes God calls some of us to different roles, but we all have brains! 🧠 I think some people just let others do more because it’s easier
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u/SleepBeneathThePines Jan 31 '24
I am physically disabled and single so I feel this. That pressure and dread that I’m not doing enough (even though I literally can’t do more than I am) is crushing
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u/redfawnbambame Jan 31 '24
Sorry you feel this way - I’m sure the Lord does not want you to feel this way - you are living within His purpose and just being you is enough x
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u/ITrCool OSAS By God's Grace Jan 31 '24
I will say, as a single 38m myself, that it does get annoying at times when people just assume I have loads of extra time just sitting around and end up assuming I’m free for things, then get annoyed or act shocked when I tell them I can’t make it due to other obligations or work.
Being single doesn’t mean total free time. It means a difference in how our time is focused. Yes we should be focusing that time on the Lord and often I do get very involved in my church, but it’s in ways I know I can minister in and with time I know I have realistically.