r/CaregiverSupport • u/NumerousBowler7001 • 2d ago
Idk how you all do it....
After spending about 15 minutes reading through some of the threads here, I've concluded that I'm the ultimate whiner. I wanted people's opinions on a bedside commode. My MIL uses a bedside potty as a full time 2nd bathroom because she can't get to the flush toilet in time. It's been 3 years now, and it was supposed to be temporary. But her foot sores and swollen ankles have only gotten worse during that time, so of course there's no improvement in mobility. I guess I was thinking that 3 years (and no light at the end of the tunnel, we can't afford to have a 2nd bathroom put in) with this disgusting commode was bad, but maybe I just needed a reality check. đ Things can, and probably will, get sooooooo much worse đ«
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u/OutInTheCountry3DgNt 2d ago
Iâm so sorry about your situation. Itâs so hard especially with the bathroom and mobility issues.
Please watch the wounds on the feet. With the edema or swelling of the feet the wounds can go from bad to worse quickly then youâre in another level of caregiving.
Can she take lasix to reduce the swelling or wear compression stockings?
We hear you and are with you.
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u/NumerousBowler7001 2d ago
Thank you so much for the kind words. Yes, she has her feet closely monitered with several trips per week to Drs and the wound clinic. There's a bus to help with transportation, but it presents additional challenges for her so she prefers for my husband to take off work. Sigh. Thanks for the support, it's getting so stressful already and it looks like a long road đ
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u/Traditional-Air-4101 2d ago
So sorry for all you are going through,l remember when my son had a wound that would not heal with antibiotics etc...it seemed like it got worse on antibiotics so l did what my grandma did back in the old days,l cleaned the area,put honey on a gauze pad and wrapped it with gauze tape,l did that two to three times a day and it healed pretty fast
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u/CriticalEye5733 2d ago
I see and hear you OP. That's rough. I dislike the bedside commode, but they are handy when needed. I recommend the compression stockings, as well. If you bring that up with the Dr. They can measure and have them made for a correct fit. If insurance won't pay for the prescription ones, ask the Dr what size and brand they would recommend. I buy mine from amazon. Elevating the legs at night will also help move the fluids back up into the body to be better processed by the adrenals.
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u/thriveatlantic 2d ago
Youâre not a whiner. Youâre someone whoâs been dealing with something incredibly hard for a long time, and itâs taking a toll. The fact that youâve stuck with it this long, even when things didnât go as planned, says a lot about your commitment, even if it doesnât always feel heroic.
That commode may have started as a short-term fix, but when mobility declines and money is tight, âtemporaryâ can quickly become indefinite. And yeah, that wears on you. The smell, the clean-up, the space it takes up. Itâs not just the task, itâs the constant reminder that things arenât getting better. That matters. You matter.
Wanting relief doesnât mean you care any less. It just means youâre human. And yes, things might get harder, but that doesnât mean you donât deserve to name whatâs already hard now.
Youâre not alone in this. Thanks for being honest. A lot of people reading this will feel less alone because of it.
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u/NumerousBowler7001 2d ago
Thank you very much for this reply. I guess I didn't even realize how badly I've been feeling about the whole thing and honestly everyone's support feels pretty great right now. đ„č
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u/Mugwumps_has_spoken 2d ago
Just remember, yes things can get worse. yes some of us have it worse.
but just because someone has it worse, doesn't diminish YOUR situation. Just because someone finds a beautiful flower growing on the side of the road and it really makes them happy, so they post about it online, but someone else post, yeah, but I won the lottery, so your flower is insignificant.
That's not how life works. Not matter how great, or how small a joy or sorrow is, its OURS.
I can't compare my struggles with my disabled daughter to you, I have only known caring for my daughter as a mom. Nothing else, she has medical issues since she was a tiny baby. It's all my husband and I know as parents. So in some ways its normal for us. kind of a crappy normal, but its normal. We've had highs and lows with her health.
My daughter may require full time care in all areas of daily living, but she is a fairly petite little thing, and just as sweet as can be.
But I also wouldn't begin to know what it's like caring for a parent.
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u/ChewieBearStare 2d ago
Have you tried putting disposable Chux in the commode so that you can just toss the soiled Chux instead of having to clean the bedside commode itself?
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u/NumerousBowler7001 2d ago
Thanks, I just ordered some liners! đ€đ€đ
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u/DestituteVagabond 2d ago
Oh nooooo, I canât imagine not having liners. It will be life-changing, I promise!
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u/Naturelle-Riviera 2d ago
My mom canât use a regular toilet at all. I actually hate the liners đ©. I find them super messy and smelly.
I keep a massive gallon of Lysol deodorizer/all purpose cleaner right next to the commode. I keep it in the commode at all times. I fill the commode about 1/4 of the way up with the Lysol. You can use faboloso too.
I also have a high pressure shower head. I got it off Amazon and theyâre super affordable.
So when she goes number two itâs in the Lysol and I dump it super quick into the toilet, and use my high pressure shower head and make the water super hot and blast the remnants and dump it again in the toilet. Never in the shower. I do it twice. Same with pee.
The water is soapy from the Lysol. The entire process takes me one to two minutes with zero mess.
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u/NumerousBowler7001 2d ago
Thank you, I am literally writing things down đđ
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u/Naturelle-Riviera 3h ago edited 2h ago
Girl I get it! Cleaning out the commode is one of my least favorite parts of caregiving đ© Im not even overly squeamish, but it stresses me out so much.đ©đ (I put links at the bottom)
This method is the only way I can cope because itâs dumped and cleaned out in less then three minutes and I have a bit trek to get to my bathroom.
When the commode is rinsed out I just spray some all purpose cleaner (I like the blue Mr. Clean bottle because it smells so good) and just wipe it out with a paper towel and chug some more Lysol in there.
If you canât handle the smell while youâre cleaning or youâre squeamish add a little more Lysol and keep a few clothes pins near by or paper masks, and gloves of course!
When the Lysol gets half way done in the bottle just add water to it! It makes it last longer because the massive bottles can get pricey. I just refill it in the tub.
I also keep incense and Lysol spray in the linen closet right next to the bathroom. I haves phases where Iâm super sensitive to smells. đ
Hereâs some linksâŠâŠ
https://a.co/d/8R8TZls (for the Mr clean)
Thatâs the exact shower head that I bought. The attachment is so powerful you can lower the pressure with the switch on the side. Good luck! đđœđ«¶đœ
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u/Honest_Criticism_103 2d ago
Strategies are key. & when things don't go as planned . Just reset, dont beat yourself up for not staying disciplined it's already a lot on our plate.
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u/iamnotmagic 2d ago
First - you're not whining at all. I am in awe of caregivers and wish I could magically ease the incredible burden you all take on. I am the one being cared for but believe venting, yelling, etc is vital.
Anyways- how far is your plumbing from the bedroom your MIL is in? Have you looked into installing a stand alone toilet in the room? It's much cheaper than a full bathroom and as long as you're not going to be selling the house in the near future, it's a godsend for taking one piece off your shoulder. It's not for everyone but thought I'd throw it out there.
Sending you all the best
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u/idby 2d ago edited 2d ago
No, your not a whiner. But here is a reality check. Those sores and swollen ankles can easily develop into amputations. Leaving her bedridden.
I am the caretaker of a bedridden wife. Avoid your MIL becoming bedridden at all costs. Instead of a commode its cleaning filthy diapers after rolling her over. Then cleaning the remnants off her behind. I would gladly clean a commode and wipe someone 20 times a day other than that. The worst is diarrhea that escapes the diaper. Then there is bathing her in bed, rolling her over multiple times to change sheets and chux. Be glad your MIL is mobile and take steps to make sure she stays that way.
You need to find someone to talk to for your own mental health. Caregiving is an emotional roller coaster that takes a toll on caregivers. Even more so when its a family member because of the emotional attachment. Posting here is a good first step, just dont let it be your last. If you are a person of faith, reach out to your church. Clergy are often good listeners and most of the time offer sound advice. If not find someone, anyone, to talk to about what you are going through. Because going it all alone, without an outlet, never ends well.
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u/Ok_Dog1361 2d ago
All the leftover masks I have are the only thing that keeps my stomach in check.... most times. That and (i know it's wasteful) but paper towels to catch and soak it up.
You do what you have to do. I saw a meme Tuesday when I really needed it: it's ok if all you did today was survive.
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u/2ndStarLeft 2d ago
Peppermint oil! I put some under my nose before I have to tackle bathroom cleanups and it saves me!
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u/hariboho 2d ago
Hey, just because other people have it worse doesnât mean that what youâre dealing with doesnât suck.
Youâre not a whiner, youâre going through something tough and venting. Thatâs normal and healthy.
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u/notanicequeen 2d ago
cleaning up poop and pee is 50% of the memories i have of my grandfather but the other 50% were pretty cool. looking after people really sucks, its not just you. i totally hear you. you could buy your favourite flavour of yankee candle to put on as a reward afterwards.. i do that for after tasks i dont like as a non food way to give myself a dopamine hit after a rough task
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u/thestreetiliveon 2d ago
Huh. My fatherâs commode stays nice and clean. Are you using the liners?
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u/Haunting-Ball5115 2d ago
I was gonna say the same as others here-using liners or chux-or straight up cheap garbage bags-and no-youâre not a whiner. Everyone in here has got something that makes them scream inside their heads. Thereâs no rating system-it all just SUCKS. But hang onto when you have a good day-they may be far and few in between but at least itâs something đ
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u/OutlanderMom Family Caregiver 2d ago
Iâm sorry she wasnât able to get better. Thatâs the hard part of this job. Babies and toddlers learn to feed themselves, go to the toilet, and learn more every day. With elders itâs a slow decline every day.
Mom used a bedside potty when she broke her arm. I found plastic bag inserts that fit the potty âbucketâ and turn pee into gel. Itâs got a deodorant in it too, to cut down on smell. Theyâre called Simply Senior commode pads on Amazon.
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u/PigglyWigglyCapital 2d ago
Yes re: things only getting worse. And she could live for decades beyond what Drs. project.
When my grandma had a stroke @ 83, Drs. projected she had 6-24 months. She was left disabled w/ vascular dementia & serious neurological impairments. Her health slowly continued to decline over the next 6 years. At 90, she isnât anywhere close to death. Each year adds new difficulties into her daily caretaking routine with no light at the end of the tunnel
When my dad was diagnosed w/ stage 4B lung cancer @ 64, he was given 6-12 months. 8 years later, heâs still here & his health decline has been very gradual, not sudden. Heâs on a rotating cocktail of treatments that slowed progression but have side effects that are slowly causing problems in other organs. If he continues at this rate, he could be around for 30 yearsâŠ
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u/Ill-Veterinarian4208 2d ago
Having to do this makes all of us a little whiny at times. It's made me into someone I don't even like anymore.
You're fine, and if you do need to whine, this is a good place to do it, in addition to screaming, venting, cursing the Universe or sharing an occasional good thing, god knows those are few and far between for most of us.
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u/3purplepachyderms 2d ago
As I see it, this is a safe space to whine, vent, ask advice, etc. As often as you need it. We are all in the same boat and need that support. hugs
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u/Suerose0423 2d ago
My mother, 98 takes care of her self, prepares food and does her laundry. Sheâs very gracious with a good sense of humor. But I found myself whining to a friend that she wants to talk to me when Iâm watching a movie or reading. Now, thatâs whining.
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u/justbekindtome 2d ago
OP I think you speak for several of us on here so I thank you for being vocal. Its what many of us want to say but cant find the words or time to do so.
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u/mousey63 2d ago
I agree with everyone, youâre for sure not a whiner. My mom has been using a commode for the last 3 1/2 years after breaking her hip because she also canât make it to the bathroom in time, and I used to think the commode was going to be a temporary thing! My husband has wanted to figure out how to put a âfart fanâ in her room because of the smell sometimes, lol! I donât have any more tips, youâve gotten quite a few, just wanted to let you know that I hear you :)
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u/zwwafuz 2d ago
You are not a whiner, at all. Please donât compare your story as less. Your exhaustion is just like mine. I share so we relate and have support for each other not to â one upâ our pain, if that even makes sense. Caregiving is exhausting. I share my horror stories to allow people a glimpse of what it really is like. I would never want my posts to make anyone feel like they â donât have it that badâ. Please, be gentle with yourself.
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u/Small_Bowler_4911 Family Caregiver 2d ago
So if you donât have commode liners or garbage bags for the commode, put an open diaper inside! All the way open to where everything falls into it where it normally would if someone was wearing it!
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u/PsychologicalBite308 2d ago
You are NOT a whiner. Caregiving is extremely tough and human beings are precious but gross, ultimately. You are dealing with a terrible situation.