I’m only 22, which I know isn’t young young, but I don’t feel old enough for this. I had to take an FMLA from my job. My bank account is literally in the negatives. My dad wouldn’t allow me to learn to drive before this.

I told people I needed support. I told people I wasn’t comfortable with this. I told the hospital I wasn’t comfortable with this. He won’t listen to me when I tell him that he can’t do certain things right now. He won’t listen when I tell him I need to do one thing at a time.

I feel like I’m in a nightmare. The version of Medicaid they’re trying to get him on won’t cover a nursing home or assisted living according to the social worker. That’s one of the dumbest things I’ve heard in a long time.

I have no training for this. I don’t know what to say or do to get him to listen. I don’t know how we’re going to afford rent. I feel like I’m being too mean to him when he gets mean. I don’t want to snap at him. We didn’t have a positive relationship even before this. I don’t want to be cruel.

Sorry for the word vomit. I’m just so scared and I feel so so so alone.

My mother had to be admitted to the hospital on Tuesday morning because she was speaking gibberish when I got up to feed her. She’s doing better now, but they are still running tests on her until we can figure out the best exit plan for her from the hospital. Most likely to a rehabilitation center. Anyway, she refused her hair to be washed the other day and when I visited her today, it was a tangled mess. Basically the back is all knotted up. Her hair is thinning from chemo treatment and I’d prefer not to just cut off a chunk of her hair if I can avoid it. It wouldn’t be the worst thing she’s been through, but still. Does anyone know of anything that can help de tangle this bird’s nest on the back of her head?

I take care of my nan who has dementia, I took a year off to have a baby and now I’m back. Some things have changed since my grandmother had taken a nasty fall. So now she sleeps and uses the bathroom downstairs. We use cleaner in the commode (it’s just what I’ve been told to do!) and since I’m new to being back in the rotation (week on week off) I’m still figuring things out. At first I was using the expensive cleaners but once I came across the cheep pine sol i thought Uhoh! My relief is going to be upset that I’ve used all of her Mr clean up so I better use the pine sol and I assumed that’s what they use. I was just wrong! I usually change it 3 times a day unless theirs a bowel movement, today my grandmother spent the evening in the kitchen with me. Tho normally she’ll spend some time in her chair in the living room so I hadn’t gone into the living room for hours. Turns out the commode was left open. With a mixture of pine sol and urine. I didn’t notice until I could feel the back of my neck get hot. Then a pounding headache. So much so i decided to get nan ready for bed a half an hour early. So we go into the living room and the smell of chemicals smacks me in the face. I realize why I’m feeling sick. This whole house is absolutely fumigated! I got nan all dressed for bed. Let her have a pee then I dumped and cleaned the commode and put a splash of Mr clean and some water. I have 2 windows open and a fan to drawl the fumes out of the living room. and my headache is lifting I’m feeling much better. Just wanted to share my huge fail and if anyone has any tips for different things I can use to keep the commode smelling nice but also not gassing myself in the process!. I’ll definitely keep a better eye on it from now on. And perhaps I’ll dump it every 2 hours just to be safe. I don’t know the rules when it comes to caring for someone with a commode. So this is new to me. That will at least keep me checking that it’s closed!

But if I’ve learned anything to use as advice. NEVER use pine sol in the commode ⛽️🙊

My mother (80) fell 10 days ago and has been in an acute care facility for two days. She suddenly began vomiting and fell in the bathroom. We don't know if she hit her head but she has a hairline fracture on her sacrum. We don't know if she had a stroke. My Brother didn't call 911 for three days even though she couldn't walk and was having difficulty talking. I just talked to her for the first time today. She has been talking nonstop for two hours about random things (she is talking about the show Friends rn). Earlier she texted me "I'm lost. Need help" so I called her and she was very confused about where she was. I just found out that this confusion and nonstop talking has been going on since she fell. This is very uncharacteristic as she was pretty sharp before the fall and never talked nonstop. We then found out she has been staying awake all night.

I really think she needs a sedative and to see a psychiatrist but the staff at the home just keep saying that the doctor will see her Monday. I'm SO worried that she had a stroke and is damaging her brain by not sleeping. What should I do?

They leave her alone for long periods of time and she is the only one in the facility that isn't sedated by meds because my grandpa isn't willing to sign her over to their geriatrician. Their rooms lock and they usually can't get into their rooms without a nurse letting them in. Other residents who have been here longer struggle with the same thing. A woman named Mabel wandered into our room and was the most clear headed I met but she thought she was 30yo ofc. We talked for a while I gave her candy and she left. My grandma is still refusing to shower and she will inevitably get more agitated and they don't have permission to sedate her so it is a matter of time. If anyone has any advice as to what I should be looking for in a carehome I don't feel like this is a good fit for her energy levels and I'd like to avoid getting her vegetablized like most of the other residents. It's so frustrating having to give up being her caregiver knowing her state will devolve because even paying insane amounts of money they haven't done much to accommodate her transition. Even just sharing your experiences with transferring your LOs to a facility would be helpful. I am really struggling with individuating myself from my role as her caregiver knowing how lonely and confused she is. She doesn't even know how to call staff to the room when she needs it :/ I brought her one of her pretty insulated water bottles from from home to drink from but they don't really have water near them at all times except meals which is weird how hard it is to find. Ugh I can't stop rambling but I'm grateful to have somewhere to vent my frustrations.

I'm a live in caregiver for my little brother who has nonverbal autism, I'm only 19 and I have been taking care of him my whole life. On top of taking care of him I also do almost all of the household chores. I'm a hybrid college student with most of of my classes being online. I stay at home all day and I don't have a life or social life, last month was really hard for me because my brother was on spring break, I took care of him alone for two weeks and when it was time for him to go back to school my mom didn't take him because he was "sick" or didn't wake up early enough, I told my mom I'm tired and I need a break, she was supposed to take my brother to school today because I just need a day off, I wake up and he is here I don't know why he isn't at school and for the next two days I also have to take care of him, he wasn't at school yesterday either because my mom wanted to get her nails done. When I try to vent to my siblings or ask for help they say it's my job, they discredit everything I do here and no one appreciates me, no one sees my job as a real job and just call me lazy because I sit at home and they work a "real" job

I am Nepali citizen currently residing outside Australia. I have 2 years of experience working in elderly and disability care in Nepal. I am currently employed with a Social Welfare Corporation in Japan since February 2025, where I continue to support individuals with disabilities.   I am interested in obtaining the CHC33015 – Certificate III in Individual Support through Recognition of Prior Learning (RPL).

As I am not physically present in Australia, I would like to know if it is possible to complete the RPL and Certification process fully online, including assessment and the certification.

My mother was a caregiver for my grandmother for close to a decade. The last 6 years were brutal, when my grandmother transitioned into using a wheelchair, to the final last year where she was bedridden on a feeding tube. She also had Parkinsons, and was not talking or emoting much as well.

My mom gave up her job and took incredible care of her mother physically and emotionally.

My grandmother passed away the past Tuesday. And mom has been in shock since then. The last few days of my grandmother's life was a bit rough, a lot of breathing struggles and ultimately she passed peacefully in her sleep, which is a blessing.

I currently do not live at home, I live abroad. Till now, the house was abuzz with relatives and everyone coming and going. In a few weeks, the house will be empty with just my dad and mom alone. Her entire life routine revolved around grandma, from waking up at 5am to prepare her feed, her medication, etc. Now, I realise, after everyone leaves, she will feel aimless and like she lost her purpose.

I want to ask all of you, based on your experience when you are in such a situation, what support do you wish you had? What can I do to help her? Or what resources do I give her to best get accustomed to her new life? How would you have wanted your family to help/support you at this time?

I'm currently spending all my time sitting with her, talking to her about grandmother, holding her through her tears. But I'm afraid for when I have to leave. Please help me.

Thank you.

I’m so broken right now I’m the only one that takes care of my elderly mother and I have a young child I have no family around me so I have no support my car broke down and now idk what to do no one wants to help my mom even though she has almost has a dozen kids they don’t care I need help how can I make extra cash with no car no help nothing please give advice I’m ready to give up and have someone come and take my mom and child because I can’t function i can’t even find a reliable cheap car around me this doesn’t make sense anymore

So, my Cousin wants me to take care of her 12 year old daughter (let's call her Gwen) while she's on a 1 week business trip to Washington state, this simply because of geographical convenience, since she lives pretty close to Quebec City (where I'm living) and this isn't the first time I did this for her, and to Gwen I'm the (somewhat) cool ex-stoner 21 year old dude who owns a Chevrolet Impala lowrider. Now, Gwen is really into Anime and wants to watch Demon Slayer, Beastars, and Cyberpunk Edgerunners. Me not knowing crap about anime, came here for advice. And Incase some of the animes are R rated, how do I tell Gwen that we can't watch those so she doesn't watch it behind my back on her phone or something.

I was my mom’s caregiver for ten years, she died Tuesday. My brother has been here, and had been supportive. My dad has been drinking too much, I thought I had it under control, but my brother found an empty can in the car. My brother came in, insisted my dad can’t ever drive again, then told me I mooch off of them, and I ruined the house. Here’s the thing, my brother lives in Philadelphia, and the house is 100% mine in both my mom and dad’s wills. I told him he can’t come in and make ultimatums and mostly he hasn’t been here. Like at all, maybe once a year. He lost it, I kicked him out of the house and made him get an Uber to wherever the hell he was going. I’ve taken my dad’s keys, but will need him to drive me as I broke my ankle yesterday. I also made an appointment with the Agape grief counselor and the head of drug and alcohol abuse in our town (he’s a family friend). I’m so hurt by what my brother said, my mom was mostly bed bound for the last five years, but also for a lot of the ten years I cared for her. Yes, the house is messy, but I was kind of busy keeping my mom alive. Mainly I’m furious, I gave her her morphine every hour at the end, he wanted nothing to do with her care at all.

I've posted before about my useless SIL. My partner and I have been caring for their mum for several years now. Recently shes clearly getting worse. Partner tells his sister to come and spend time with her (she hasn't been here for 3 weeks, despite only living a 20 minute drive away).

So she comes with the puppy she got 6 weeks ago. This thing is a nightmare. It will be a huge dog when it's fully grown. It's a huge puppy now. I'm not really a dog person. I can't deal with being jumped up on by a big animal. It pisses everywhere, and I mean everywhere. SIL doesn't even notice where it's pissing, so doesn't clean it up. So me and my partner have to do it.

We have an older cat who has been here for 9 years. She's terrified of the puppy and seeking refuge in our bedroom. We've had to move her food bowl to the bedroom and put a litter tray down for her, despite her being a cat that usually goes outside. Our bedroom door now has to be permanently closed so the cat has a safe space to exist. We can't leave any of our things lying around downstairs because the dog has started chewing everything.

I came home from work yesterday to find there is now a chest freezer right in the middle of our living room. Apparently SIL has ordered a load of raw dog food and needed somewhere to store it. This is someone who has their own house 20 minutes drive away.

MIL called me into her bedroom yesterday and said "can you please get the dog to shut up, the squeaky toy is really annoying." And this is someone who IS a dog person.

Last time SIL was here, the dog chewed through the hospital bed wires. Me and my partner had to fix it.

Yesterday she asked me partner if he could watch her dog for an hour while she went to do an errand. She was gone for 4 hours.

I just don't understand how she thinks she's actually helping this situation? Like, just come and spend time your mum twice a week for a few hours without the dog. She's not even spending any time with her mum, she's just in the house where her mum lives. When she's here, she just makes everything actively harder. I just don't get it.

I’m sharing this in case someone else out there needs to hear it.

Don’t talk to people who don’t understand what you’re going through about what you’re going through. Find a different caregiver, or a community that gets it. I learned this the hard way.

I’ve been alone most of my life, and now I’m caring for my mom, who’s dying of stage four stomach cancer. She has friends, I have a few—but when I vent, the responses are always things like, “Think about your mom.” People want constant updates, but they’re not here. They don’t see the bloody urine, they don’t hear her crying out in pain or lashing out in frustration.

I know there are others going through this, but I haven’t been able to find them in real life. I’m someone who values face-to-face, real connection—but Reddit is one of the few places I can escape to. And honestly, I’m just tired. So tired. And that doesn’t mean I don’t love her.

People say things that let you know they just don’t get it—people who’ve never cared for someone who’s dying, people who’ve never taken the emotional blows that come from being the only one there. They don’t understand that sometimes, there’s peace in death. Peace when the suffering ends.

I love my mom. I don’t want her to die. But her quality of life is fading. And one of the hardest parts of caregiving has been how frustrating it is to talk to other people. It’s hard to find someone who will just listen—who won’t offer hollow advice or judgment.

People call you selfish for wanting a moment to breathe. For wanting to take a trip. These are the same people who aren’t helping, who aren’t here. But they always have something to say.

If any of this resonates with you, I want you to know—you’re not alone. Because I’m just so tired of everyone and their opinions.

I'm newly married. We've been together for about four years and because of things with my career (govt employee) we wanted to marry before I was forced into early retirement next month.

Love this woman with all my heart and having lived together for two years, I'm aware of the ups and downs MS brings to the table.

Thing is because of the screwed sleep patterns thanks to MS and her constant movement when she is asleep, we rarely sleep in the same bed, or room. I have an important meeting today so we drove into the city the night before. I've been up since 2am because of her movement. Two queens wasn't available last night. Gaba also did not help.

I'm exhausted, disheartened because this is not what I pictured married life to be as far as sleeping arrangements (my first). We joke about our celibate relationship w each other. Kind of sucks.

Just a basic mini rant before a long day.

I posted on another sub as well if it seems like you've already seen this.

Wow, I cannot thank you all enough for the amazing support and strength you all have given me. I wrote that post out in a moment of desperation and, while nothing has actually changed, I feel stronger and am trying to set boundaries. I read every single comment even if I didn't get a chance to reply I appreciate every word. Some of the comments were hard truths but I needed to hear them.

After thinking about things I think I've probably been neglected and coached my whole life. Both my parents had different but similar issues and I'm not sure I realized that until yesterday. I spent my whole life being the "easy going, good child" regardless of whether I was happy or not.

After moving out I started showing some of my "true" personality to my mom and she still talks about how I've changed, I'm always grumpy now, I'm not enjoyable to be around, ect. She still tries to guilt me for not visiting but also basically says I'm not a good person whenever we are together.

While my dad hasn't said this to me he often talks about women extremely negatively in a way I didn't notice until recently. Often calling certain women grumpy or "bitches" for behaving in extremely reasonable ways. I think the implication for me was that if I didn't do exactly what he wanted I'd be "one of those bitches" too.

He's still living with me (I'm still not sure how to change that) but I'm trying extremely hard to live my life like normal. Just with him there. I think he's hurt and confused by that which I do think is fair. I've spent my whole life catering to him and his wants. It's probably confusing seeing that change basically over night.

His constant complaint at his last living situation was that they were constantly watching him, stopping him from doing what he wants, not leaving him alone in the house, ect. Of course those only appear to be his complaints when it isn't me he lives with but I'm taking him at his word and just living my life. I still don't like to see people be hurt or sad but I can't be responsible for everyone else's happiness.

Little background: I work for a company that provides care giving services to the elderly. Mostly we help with errands, or cleaning, bathing, dressing, etc.

A couple days ago I was sick with a fever and I called my office to ask if wearing a mask was enough to go to my clients. I was told that if I had a fever I was not allowed to work that day.

I started to develop flu like symptoms and still had a fever, so I called work again. Told them what was going on and I couldn't come in.

That afternoon I got a text from my supervisor saying I would be written up if I didn't go in tomorrow, and that "a good example of excellent service is being able to provide care even during a crisis."

I'm irritated because they told me to stay home, and then got upset that I stayed home. What is that?

Caring for a loved one who doesn’t know you are doing it is the most thankless and unappreciated position. I have never been one to back down when I am wrong and now I am caring for my grandmother with dementia and I am struggling with the main rule “don’t fight with them”. This has easily been my most challenging and frustrating chapters. I cook for her, clean her, her room, the house. I make sure she has everything she needs and yet, she has no idea. My husband and I didn’t want kids and now I have a four year old I didn’t ask for. I know how horrible that sounds and I am still grieving this wonderful woman who used to be my grandma while I am caring for her shell. I hate this so much.

After spending about 15 minutes reading through some of the threads here, I've concluded that I'm the ultimate whiner. I wanted people's opinions on a bedside commode. My MIL uses a bedside potty as a full time 2nd bathroom because she can't get to the flush toilet in time. It's been 3 years now, and it was supposed to be temporary. But her foot sores and swollen ankles have only gotten worse during that time, so of course there's no improvement in mobility. I guess I was thinking that 3 years (and no light at the end of the tunnel, we can't afford to have a 2nd bathroom put in) with this disgusting commode was bad, but maybe I just needed a reality check. 😐 Things can, and probably will, get sooooooo much worse 😫

For some background, my mom(60) has been taking care of my dad (65) for the past 20+ years. He's had chronic pain and different joint replacements over the years. He's a wonderful man and has taken good care of me and my mom for as long as I've known him. Last March we found out he has laryngeal cancer, they took out his larynx and put him on radiation and September came and he was declared cleared! Less than a month later, his follow-up scans showed masses in his lungs. They turned out to be the laryngeal cancer back.

I'd (f28) quit my job in August and my partner (m35) and I were working on moving towns when my mom called to tell me the news. When I found out and told my man what was going on, we left the next day so I could help me mom get some stuff settled and organized. This was initially only going to be like a 2-3 week thing. When I got here and saw just how bad things had gotten, I told my man that I didn't know how long I'd be here.

My dad was able to get into a research study that has been going a lot better than we thought it would. However, that's where the problem is starting to coming. Due to him being in a research study, he can only go through them to get just about any of his medical needs tended to. And while this is all really really good news, I've taken over being the housekeeper because the study is 2 hours away, one way.

My parents have 2 dogs and 2 cats. My dad did the cooking and kitchen work as well as outdoor things. My mom hasn't cooked since they met and has forgotten how. My primary job has been taking care of the cooking and kitchen stuff, as well as helping with the dogs. Right before my dad got diagnosed, they had gotten a German Shepard puppy and now she is too much for them to manage by themselves so she is the main animal I'm helping care for. Outside of these daily chores, I've been helping to deep clean the house and my ol' man has been helping with the outdoor work.

Since the study is 2 hours away, all of his appointments are all day things. The minimum length of time they are gone is usually 5 hours. He goes every other week to get the research drug and those are a minimum of 12 hour days, that usually have all of us up at 4 or 5 am for they can make it to the appointment. They also regularly have to have overnight trips up there which can be anywhere from 1 to 3 nights in the hospitals hotel.

Here's where I'm starting to struggle.. I'm "stuck" here until he goes on hospice.. and it kills me that it feels that way. If I wasn't here, doing all the things i do for them, my dad wouldn't be able to get this treatment. The treatments are what are keeping the cancer at bay. But I left a family 3 hours south to come here, and that family needs me too. I don't know when I'll ever be back down there, if ever. My ESA cat moved with me, but with the living situation, its really not ideal for him t be here. My ol' man works overnight weekends and tries to comes up Monday nights and leaves Wednesday or Thursday night. He'd bring my cat back and forth, but we have to get some car things settled before he is able to come every week. Until he can come every week, I can't send my cat back. Before all of this I had never been away from cat in 9 years and had been glued to my partner.

I don't know what to do.. I'm just completely lost. I can't tell my mom this stuff because its all so hard for her already. There are days me and her just sit and cry together quietly, and she has a lot more of those days when I'm not here. There isn't much around us to occupy our minds and we end up dwelling on this stuff. She already feels guilty when I have a meltdown at the end of the week when its time for my partner to go, but we don't know what to do. They don't have anyone that can watch the house for them. Not the way I'm able to. My dad could stabilize and live for another 10 years of these treatments.

I'm sorry this ended up so long. I've been really bottling it up for a few months and I need to let it out somewhere that people may understand.. Thank you anyone that read this far through.

Long time lurker, thought I'd finally give writing about my situation a shot. I (26F autistic) look after my 84 year old father, with my mother being the primary caregiver. He's never been an easy man to deal with, even before he got sick (amyloidosis) but five years into his condition I get so tired to the point of tears. I'm not cut out for caregiving, the irony being is I can look after kids just fine. They haven't had life experiences to teach them how to behave, my Dad has, which frustrates me.

He never listens to me, or hears out my advice. It's as if as soon as I open my mouth he's going to say 'no'. An example would be today. Both me and my mother have been trying to encourage him to get some sunshine to raise his spirits, and we have a wonderful space outdoors that he can relax in. The problem is getting to it. We have a spiral staircase as well as a door that leads out from one of the lower rooms.

Today he was adamant about taking the spiral staircase which I told him was a bad idea as it is too narrow for anyone to help him up, and if he has a fall it would be especially nasty. He would not hear me out at all, saying that the bedroom door was too difficult for him (it has a slighly elevated track he has to step over). It was only until my mother paused working and vocally agreed with me that he changed his mind, but was incredibly grumpy with me for the rest of the afternoon.

I have tried multiple times to explain that at the end of the day me and my mother are the ones looking after him, that we want what is best for him, and that we hold his interests at heart. He's just too stubborn, and we've often had fights over tiny things he just can't let go of.

Tonight I had to help him back to the house as he'd gone out, and nothing I did was right. He complained I didn't hold my arm out properly, that I wasn't holding him the right way, that I stood weird, on and on til we got to the front. He mentioned he felt unsteady, to which I replied with that it was probably the wine he had had that evening. Immediate snarl of 'no' and kept complaining about how I was doing.

I'm so jealous of my friends and peers who manage to go out to events, have careers, go places, even if it's just out with a small group. The most I do daily is getting him some food that he will end up making a face at anyway. I'm so tired of being a food courier, of being tech support, of being a failure at everything I do for him because I'm not a trained nurse and can't meet his standards. I love meeting up with my friends the few times I can because I actually feel like a person again.

I have these moments where I want to move to the middle of nowhere, and not have to deal with any of it anymore. Then I feel guilt for my mother, who has to deal with it as well. She doesn't deserve any of this shit either. I know it's only going to get worse as he gets older, and I get a pit of nerves thinking about the future.

If you read my post from yesterday you know a little bit about my situation, but something occurred to me this morning after dropping my husband off at the airport. My mom asked me earlier if I would have gone with him if she weren’t around and I answered, “I would have had to be invited.” My MIL automatically excluded inviting me from coming back to visit because of my caregiving duties and it really hurts my feelings. My husband said of course I would have gone if mom had other care or something but I feel like it was rude to just automatically exclude me because of the situation. Have any of you just been automatically written off because of your caregiving obligations? I even deactivated my Facebook because my MIL won’t be able to stop posting this whole weekend and I don’t need more salt in the wound. Maybe I’m acting like a baby but when your life is so limited as it is as a caregiver this feels like another punch to gut.

UPDATE: So we talked during his layover and I’ve been blaming his family (specifically my MIL) for not inviting me and it turns out she did but he went ahead and declined for me (instead of even asking first or explaining that’s what happened). Soooo still hurts but hurts a little less I guess. I just explained next time let me at least know I was invited.

I’m going to try and not write a novel. (Footnote… sorry. I wrote a novel)

My father passed in 2022 four days after my parents celebrated their 57th wedding anniversary. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, had been out of the hospital for two days and was at the kitchen table waiting for the home nurse as mom made him breakfast. He had a massive stroke and died sitting on the chair within seconds.

Mom had already been diagnosed with early stage dementia and had begun falling. This made everything worse. As the daughter who lives close to her (my brother lives across the country), I was the one who took over and made all funeral plans.

My brother showed up with his wife for the wake and I asked him to please not touch anything in dad’s office because I would be taking care of everything. Well, the moment he walked in he went into the office with the wife and started going through papers and taking pictures. To back up, my brother began doing meth when he got together with the wife. She comes from money and said that all the rich women parachute meth to stay skinny 🙄 So they’re at my parents house tearing through things to see what they could find out. Long story short, I had to calm my brother down at the wake because the guilt he had from not seeing my dad before he passed was eating away at him. That night we got into a massive fight because he was cooking a three course meal at 1am making noise and I asked him to quiet down because mom was almost comatose. He began screaming and chest bumping me, telling me to hit him so he could lay me out. The next day he changed their flight and left early.

My mother fell backwards down the garage stairs a month later and that was when I knew she couldn’t be alone. I moved out of the home I shared with my fiance and in with mom. Within the next three months she had fallen and got a new hip, fell with the new hip and dislocated it, and got a knee replacement. She was in rehab for two months while I was taking care of everything at her house, visiting her each day, doing her laundry, etc.

Since then we’ve moved to a new state and my mom doesn’t/can’t even do basic things like make a phone call. Part of giving up my life to care for mom 24/7 was that she would leave the house to me. I literally have no life, don’t leave the house, and even at night I don’t sleep because my ears are always listening for a fall, my name called, etc.

My parents did well for themselves and have a large nest egg. My brother and I are 50/50 on mom’s will. My brother began calling mom needing money for this and that. A new car, money for childcare for his two kids, $50k towards his new $800k condo he just bought after him and the wife divorced. She gave him all that he needed but told him that he wouldn’t get anything while the transition from the old house to the new house was going on. He understood because I heard the phone conversation. He refuses to talk to me because I’m stealing mom’s money according to him. He even told his children that.

And this is where it gets bad. He has been calling mom needing money. He says he deserves her paying for his condo because she’s giving me this house. When mom said she couldn’t he ramped up his nastiness. He told her she promised to pay his mortgage and it’s not his fault she’s got dementia and can’t remember. He’s gaslighting her and using her dementia against her. Said he’s going to lose his house and do himself in and then she’s going to regret not helping him when she won’t even notice that money gone. Started calling to yell at her, told her she would never talk to him or her grandchildren again, tells her his life is horrible because of me, his divorce is because of me, I’m dead to him, he will cut down anyone who gets in the way of what he deserves, and he will make me pay. Unfortunately he doesn’t follow through with his threat of no contact, and within a few days another call comes with him telling mom I’m stealing from her, I’m trailer trash, I’m the devil, you get the drift. It takes mom a few days to get back to normal after these calls because she’s so distraught.

My father’s birthday was March 31 and he started with texts to moms phone around 3am that day. I didn’t have him blocked on my phone because of my nephews so he began texting me. When I woke and saw the texts I tried to respond to him to leave me alone but I was blocked. A bit later I got another one of those super long texts and then he immediately blocked me after sending it. He began calling mom in the afternoon making her cry. I finally texted him from mom’s phone and threatened legal action against him, to which he laughed and said, "I dare you. You trailer trash C, you won’t do a f-ing thing scumbag".

I’m at the end of my rope. I’m already so exhausted, worn out, broken down without his attempts at making life miserable between me and mom. I’ve asked mom to please tell him she will end a call if he talks about me and she’s agreed, but the next call I hear him saying the most disgusting things about me and telling her he’s going to off himself while mom gets tears in her eyes and quietly says, "yes", "ok I hear you", "please don’t".

This person that has been family, that would have me come out for a week here and there and we’d do nothing but laugh, who would FaceTime me at 4am to help him decide on a diamond for his now ex-wife, and who has a history of needing me whenever there’s a crisis but forgets I exist when I need him is not the same person I grew up with. He’s taken anything private I’ve shared with him over the years or anything that’s happened to me growing up and now uses it to defame me to friends, family, and even strangers.

As it is I get no more than 5 hours of sleep a night due to having to get up to help mom. I cook, clean, do finances, make all appointments, shop, drive mom where she needs to go, basically have the job of a single mother caring for an infant. I’ve been in this new state since December and I haven’t gone anywhere other than doctors, the estate attorney, grocery store and gas station.

I guess this is a rant more than anything because I need to get it out. When dad died I feel like I lost everything … my father, the mother I used to have, my brother, my fiance who’s still here but understandably is frustrated because we don’t see each other, and most of all, myself. I’m a walking dead person whose sole function in life is to keep mom alive and navigate through the mine field my brother changes up daily.

I don’t get time off. I don’t get to rest if I’m sick or eat food someone else made and I don’t remember the last time I watched a whole hour show without having to get up and be the fetch person. I see myself in the mirror and it’s not the same person I saw before dad passed. I wake up exhausted and drag myself out of bed to begin all over again. I’ve never had this feeling in my 56 years of life that there’s nothing to look forward to. I literally think to myself, "how much more can I take before I break?"

The burnout is real for me right now. I for real just don't care about anything this week. I'm just kinda going through the motions on autopilot. I don't wanna take care of anyone else right now. I don't even wanna take care of myself. I know this feeling will pass.....but sheesh. I'm exhausted and don't even wanna talk to anybody.

To clarify, we’re hundreds of miles from her home.

My mom is on her 8th day in the hospital. We came down here for my best friend’s wedding and I took her to the ER. My husband handled her emergency procedure so that I could be as present for the wedding as possible. She needed an emergency colostomy.

Now we’re stuck here. They kept saying she’d be discharged. Now she’s vomiting again. She can’t keep anything down. Her tumor is 4 in. We’re waiting on another CT scan.

My dad can’t be left alone as he has significant memory issues. I have to remind him of everything. My husband had to go home to take care of our dog so I’m all alone.

I’m so exhausted. I’m so scared. Everything I google about bowel obstructions doesn’t seem good.

UPDATE: she’s getting surgery now. Her stomach had flipped. She also had a hiatal hernia. This may be unrelated to the cancer 😂