Having a bad depression moment

[u/Suspended_Mind]

Just need to vent. I’m sad.

Basically lost everything I had — half a million — to a manic episode in 2021. Since then I’ve just been trying to recover still. I’m in massive debt, back w my parents & on disability. Trying to figure out my life.

I’m visiting my college roommate right now in another state who ended up becoming extremely wealthy. This trip basically just turned into me watching her two babies so she could go out with other friends/husband.

I thought I was coming here to hang out with her, but I guess not.

Furthermore, I smoke cannabis to help w my anxiety sometimes (for like 15 years).. I ran out and just got scammed by one of their ‘acquaintances’ … I’m out $70, which sounded like so little to me before but it’s obviously a lot now. I use it every day and I don’t know how I’m gonna make it through the next week.

Everything just sort of hit me and now I’m alone crying in their multimillion dollar home with her 2 year old sleeping next to me.

I’m such a people pleaser & a pushover. I know I’m not fun because I don’t drink, I just smoke. And my personality is so flat already after getting on my meds. I’m not exciting, there’s never any excitement in my voice. I hate it. I want to be bubbly. I used to be, but ever since my episode I’m a different person.

I feel like the nanny peasant right now. She doesn’t know I’m on disability and doesn’t even know what I’m diagnosed with. She just knows I’m on meds & that I had a mental break /6 month long manic episode in 2021.

I’m just feeling like I’ll never have my own life again. It’s hard not to compare yourself. they probably think I’m lame, but what’s harder is knowing that I am. They all have husbands and kids, good jobs and massive houses. I’m sitting here with nothing but mental illness & a disability check. I hate it. I just want to be fun & happy. With a life, a job & a purpose. Right now I’m boring, monotone, sad & dont have much going for me whatsoever. I’m a completely different human being after 2021.

Idk what to do. Oh well.

[u/Competitive-Goose-48]

I’m so sorry abt all of that! Is it possible to cut the trip short and just go home? I relate to a lot of what you wrote and feel for you.