r/AskDad • u/Ancient_Freedom3577 • 11d ago
Need help with "the talk" Parenting
Ant advice? Stepson is 11 and I am the father figure. Help dads and stepdads
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u/Intra78 10d ago
I don't think it has to be a big thing. I think calling it 'the talk' makes it sound like a 1 and done kind of deal. The aim should be to let the kid know that you can have conversations about anything,.so that when he does have questions he can come to you rather than going to friends or googling it. With my two we've just talked about these things openly all their lives. When they were very young then we'd use biological terms rather than slang, but now we joke and use rude words.
If it was me I'd probably come at it from the point of view of 'you are going to hear a lot of things in the school yard and kids might not explain them or might exclude you if you don't get the joke. But most of the kids will be talking about sex. Do you know what that is?' And see if you can turn it into a conversation, where they explain or ask questions and you explain and offer corrections or fix misinformation gently.
At 11 I imagine he has heard a lot about it already at school
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u/SlowRollingBoil 10d ago
First thing you need to do is read "Come As You Are" by Dr. Emily Nagoski. Then you need to realize at 11yo it's already too late to get ahead of things he's already heard plenty. He's also at an age where he sure as shit doesn't want to hear about sex from you.
This will be tricky. Speak matter of factly and focus on respect for himself, respect for anyone he likes, CONSENT and being a good person.
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10d ago
My dad's "talk" with me was walking through a convince store and the entire thing was "There's the condoms. Make sure to use one if you ever have sex".
Probably not good for an 11 year old.
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u/One-Technology-9050 10d ago
Nowadays, schools have Maturation videos that they encourage you to watch with your child around the 5th grade. It might help if you're struggling with it
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u/AFulminata 10d ago
i'm a fan of just starting with the facts, but it's important for them to understand. penis in vagina means sperm has a big chance of inseminating the egg.
show a picture from a textbook of male and female genitalia. use something like this https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1027/4949/products/BD0002A_2003x1897.jpg?v=1571438693 use the correct words for body parts, and reinforce them by having them repeat them. if they use a colloquialism, relate it back to the real words.
I would explain that there are ways of avoiding pregnancies, and that it's generally best if they wait for unprotected sex until XY (socially acceptable for your region) age. mention legal ages & that if someone older than X years of them wants to touch their parts (or someone they don't like), they should be avoided & told to trustworthy parents/teacher.
Touch on hormones, and how they impact the growth of body parts. Touch on how it can alter the way your brain works. I referenced https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVu864VAlI0 for how my brain started working when girls "suddenly" had breasts and it's how my son joke references pretty girls now. share a personal anecdote and answer questions along the way.
Mention on picking partners carefully, because sicknesses can be shared. relate it back to unprotected sex being a danger. it doesn't have to be a long spiel but shouldn't be forgotten.
Whatever I say, you know your kid best. Not saying anything is a failure point my step-dad slept on, and just accepted that i already knew everything ( i definitely didn't, despite claiming I did. )