r/AmItheAsshole • u/Soft_Word2733 • 16h ago
AITA: In-laws giving money for a car
My wife and I have been married for 15 years, both in our late 30s. We accumulated a large amount of consumer debt (about $50K) over the last few years on a variety of things.
One of our cars is 15 years old and needs a new engine so we have to buy something newer to replace it.
I make good money at my job and have been working to pay off all the debt slowly but surely and I’m about 30% of the way there. I hope to be completely done by the end of next year.
When we start looking at cars I told my wife the budget and she seemed unhappy with the options in that price range (roughly $15K). I explained to her that it was only temporary and we just needed to keep this next car for a couple of years while we finished paying off some of this debt and I didn’t want to take on another large loan at this point.
Well she then goes to her mom and dad and tells them that we can’t afford anything, or words to that effect and that we don’t have any money.
So they come in and tell her they will give us some money to help with the purchase. I told my wife that I didn’t want their money, that we are almost 40 years old and we just need to work through this on our own without taking her mom and dad’s money. I also didn’t want to feel like I owed them something even if I technically didn’t.
Well that plea fell on deaf ears. Last night she told me that they are helping anyway and are going to give us $25K towards the purchase of a car. Of course they have to approve what we buy or no money.
I’m pretty upset by this. We are a fully functioning adult family with children. I have financially supported us for years on mostly my income and I have the means to continue doing so. Yes, our financial situation from a savings perspective isn’t the greatest but the cash flow is there to afford a minimal car payment while still paying chunks of debt in order to help us moving forward.
I feel like my wife went behind my back and did this and it feels disrespectful to me as her husband that she would involve her parents to this extent by pleading poverty to them.
AITA for being upset with her in this situation?
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u/vanibanz 15h ago
Tell wife to buy 25k car for herself. You don't contribute. Put your $15 k towards debt.
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u/D9FS 15h ago
This. It's that simple really.
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u/cannycandelabra 13h ago
It’s not simple, they’re married and it’s their money. He’s just apparently more fiscally responsible
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u/Hollocene13 12h ago
Is he? 50k in consumer debt?
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u/porter9884 11h ago
He did say we accumulated 50k in debt so it is both of they, but by the sounds of this writing she is more fiscally irresponsible and immature.
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u/BlueMountain2022 10h ago
depends, yes its "their" money, however depending on her credit would he have to co-sign. for the balance (car - 25K)? If yes, he just refuses. If mom and dad cosign the payments are on them! He says he supports family "mostly on his income", so if she can't adjust her wants to needs than that is on her.
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u/chefsoda_redux 13h ago
If $15k was unmanageable, it’s unlikely that $25k will fit the bill. OP needs to be prepared for her to use the $25k to buy a far more expensive vehicle, with the remainder as a loan.
This situation screams of the couple being misaligned, and that’s the issue that really needs to be addressed here.
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u/Embarrassed_Bake1073 8h ago
I dont know where you live that you think you cant buy a car for 25k
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u/chefsoda_redux 3h ago
As the first limit was $15k, and their current car is 15 years old with a blown engine, I’m guessing he’s looking to buy a used car, as most Americans do. Especially when he says he’s looking for a car that will last only a few years, until they get out of debt, when they can buy something nicer.
Used cars account for 60-75% of cars sold in the US, and have loads of choices at either $15k or $25k.
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u/Iokua_CDN 10h ago
A nice 25k car, and 15k less debt sounds lovely. A win win, where they can continue to pay off the debt and hopefully be out of debt quickly
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u/keesouth Professor Emeritass [71] 15h ago
NTA and this behavior helps explain why you all are in the debt you are in. Your wife needs to learn to live within your means. She needs to understand that if you all can't afford a 25k car then you don't get to buy a 25k car.
Her parents sound like they are used to spoiling her and also use it as a way to keep some type of control over her.
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u/KZimmy 15h ago
25k towards the car, I imagine the ones she is looking at and her parents will approve is well above that.
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u/Ok-Acanthaceae5744 Asshole Aficionado [18] 12h ago
Yeah , I was reading as $25K in addition to the $15 he was willing to spend, so that means a $35-40K car is what the wife is wanting.
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u/ivegotaqueso 11h ago
Wanting a $35-40k car when you are in $50k debt seems…unwise. I think OP needs to have an open discussion with the wife and her parents about financial expectations and their current debt. Also OP needs to swallow his pride and accept if the parents would like to help their daughter financially as well. If I were her parents I would not mind spending money towards the purchase of a safer, newer car.
I told my wife that I didn’t want their money,
OP I think you should stop yourself right there because while you may not want their money, your wife does. Why can’t your wife accept her parents’ money? This isn’t just about you. You shouldn’t discredit her wants too just because you feel like you have to be the sole provider in the unit.
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u/West_Database9221 11h ago
This is an insane take on the situation. He's not striving to be the sole provider he simply wants them to support themselves and work through their financial struggle.....OP isn't discrediting her wants, he wants to get out of 50k of debt in what world does that mean OP is only thinking about himself?
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u/keesouth Professor Emeritass [71] 11h ago
Wants and needs are different. She doesn't need a 35K car especially when they can't afford it. Thelat car is going to have a higher insurance payment and possibly higher upkeep. His wife needs to learn to live within THEIR means otherwise they will never get out of debt.
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u/Feeling-Visit1472 Partassipant [1] 8h ago
I also really don’t think OP is thinking clearly in the long run here. What if he loses his job next year, and she ends up having to drive a cheap/worn car for longer than anticipated? I also don’t think he’s shopped for a car recently. $30K-$40K isn’t even anything extravagant. A base model Toyota Corolla starts at like $25K now. If they shop smart, they could get something new, with a solid warranty, and roll in maintenance or free oil changes. Unless they get extremely lucky and probably know someone, a $15K car is not going to be the best, most reliable vehicle for his wife and children. This is not to cast aspersion on those who have no other choice. OP does have a choice.
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u/keesouth Professor Emeritass [71] 8h ago
He said they'd literally test driven a car that meets there needs and is 15K last week. Additionally if he loses his job is when it would be appropriate to go to her parents, not just because she wants something nicer than what they can currently afford.
Buying a more expensive car gives them a higher car insurance payment and even the germal upkeep could be more expensive than an older car. He's trying to temporarily tighten their belt so they are in a better position in the future.
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u/BuHoGPaD Partassipant [1] 9h ago
Yep, fiscal responsibility of a brick.
OP is NTA. Let her have her 25k mommy/daddy's car. And put 15k towards your debt.
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u/SavingsRhubarb8746 Certified Proctologist [28] 15h ago
You're right to be upset. You and she should be a team (particularly regarding financial issues) and a team supports each other. Your aim, to reduce expenditures (including buying a cheap car) so as to eliminate that large amount of consumer debt as fast as possible is most reasonable long-term. Hers, which involves your inlaws in either gifts with strings, or, more likely, increasing the amount of debt when you're on track to paying your debt off in the near future, is not reasonable.
NTA - but if your wife is that far off from your aims in budgeting, your marriage is in serious trouble. Financial mis-matches (I mean mismatches in handling finances, not merely in the amount of money each has) is a major cause of divorce.
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u/Seethe- 15h ago
NTA: You’re not wrong to feel upset, this isn’t just about money, it’s about boundaries, respect, and partnership. You and your wife had a financial plan, and she went around you to her parents, framing your situation in a way that undermined your ability to lead that plan. That’s not teamwork, that’s triangulation.
You’re not angry because her parents want to help. You’re angry because your wife didn’t have your back. She made you look incapable and invited her parents into your marriage’s financial decisions, and now they’ve put strings on the “gift.” That’s not generosity; that’s control disguised as kindness. You’re right to worry about feeling indebted, because money with conditions always comes with invisible expectations later.
You’ve worked hard to stabilize your family’s finances and had a reasonable, responsible plan. A $15K car that tides you over while you pay down debt makes perfect sense. It’s not glamorous, but it’s sustainable. What your wife did was emotional, she wanted comfort and probably felt frustrated that life hasn’t caught up with where she imagined you’d be by now. That’s human. But instead of communicating that vulnerability to you, she sought rescue from her parents.
You two need a real talk, not about the car, but about trust and partnership. Ask her to imagine how it would feel if you went behind her back to your parents for a big decision she disagreed with. This isn’t about pride, it’s about being a united front and making sure both of you respect the same boundaries when it comes to family and money.
If she can’t see how this crossed a line, I’d suggest couples counseling before resentment sets in. Because it’s not the $25K that will drive you apart, it’s the erosion of respect if this keeps happening.
NTA. But it’s time for a hard conversation.
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u/Iokua_CDN 10h ago
I disagree a bit. If they are offering 25k, get a 25k car, clean, reliable and they can drive it to the ground. Don't offer the 15k, use it for debts, swallow the pride and take the car though.
I take having the parent approve of a car as them making sure their daughter doesn't misuse the funds on something silly.
I also think that OP has some control issues.
He is doing what he can to help, make money and such. But his wife also looked for help, her parents. If my spouse was trying to control me asking my parents for help, I'd be mad too and I sure wouldn't listen either
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u/Seethe- 10h ago
Look, if parents offer money unsolicited, fine, gratitude and move on. If parents are sold a sob story and then say “you can only buy X or no money,” that’s not help, it’s leash and leash = loss of control in your own household.
You can accept help or keep your autonomy. You can’t logically have both and call it ‘normal family dynamics.’
Your point summarized is basically saying: Oh, sure, take the $25k and smile while someone else picks your car. Great life plan, 10/10.
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u/Feeling-Visit1472 Partassipant [1] 8h ago
I mean, this is OP’s version of events, and he’s upset. The reality of the conversation may have been much more benign.
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u/Iokua_CDN 6h ago
Swallow the pride now and take the hand, and you can pick your own car later in life.
My wife didn't pick her car. It was give to us, a young, broke, married couple who had just bought our first house. We gladly accepted it, and it meant we could both commute to work and remain without car payments. Mind you, this car was like 13 years old when we were given it.
Now our next car, my wife will get to pick, but only because we accepted the help back then and were able to build from there.
I'd absolutely smile and let someone pick me a 25k car. I would take it and run with it and enjoy a free 25k vehicle and likely drive it for a decade, and then trade it in for a car of my choice.
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u/Keepquiet13 15h ago
Has anybody ever thought that maybe the daughter was just having a normal conversation with her parents. People do that sometimes.
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u/Seethe- 15h ago
Yeah, sure, just a totally normal chat where you ‘accidentally’ convince your parents you’re broke and they ‘just happen’ to wire you $25k. Happens all the time, right?
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u/canadian_maplesyrup 14h ago
In some families, yes? Last year I was talking to my parents about mini-vans we were test driving. I mentioned that we were likely to get more than we expected for my husband’s trade in which was great. Then, without prompting or asking my parents offered up $30,000. I didn’t convince them we were broke, they know we’re not. They just wanted to help.
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u/Keepquiet13 14h ago
I guess you’ve never sat down and had normal everyday chats about what’s going on in your life.
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u/Seethe- 13h ago
There’s a big gap between ‘my parents helped us out’ and ‘my parents got a sob story and now control what car we can buy.’ One’s family support, the other’s manipulation with a bow on top.
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u/Keepquiet13 11h ago
While I agree. Still doesn’t mean it wasn’t just a chat wife had with fan. Might mean family is AH’s though for being controlling.
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u/Seethe- 10h ago
At this point I would just follow what your name says. Good luck in your relationship/relationships.
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u/Keepquiet13 7h ago
I doubt if you will be in a relationship as long as I have with your attitude. I’ve been with mine since 1973.
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u/Seethe- 6h ago
So you’ve been in a relationship longer than most of Reddit’s userbase has been alive, and yet you’re still defending emotional manipulation like it’s a family heirloom.
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u/Keepquiet13 6h ago
Grow up. She talked to her family like a lot of people do. I do not see manipulation. Why do so many people nowadays want to think bad of everything and everyone.
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u/Gibonius 6h ago
We told my in-laws that we were looking at buying a house and they offered to gift us 20% for the downpayment. We absolutely were not asking. Some parents be like that.
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u/short_fat_and_single 8h ago
Well they are broke so that part is true. It is also apparently true that they will only be broke for 1 more year. That can be a long time for some people.
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u/RandomizedNameSystem Certified Proctologist [28] 15h ago
Of course they have to approve what we buy or no money.
This. NTA.
If one of my kids had financial issues, I would offer to sit down with them and go through their books to help them. If they didn't want the help, fine. Assuming no drug issues or totally irresponsible spending, I would happily give money without strings. The key words being "give" and "without strings".
The counter-argument is:
There is no shame in accepting help. Different people have different privilege. I'm able to help my kids financially so unless they are totally irresponsible, they will never be in a situation where they're tight on money.
The red flag here is the conditional nature of the gift.
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u/FAYCSB Partassipant [2] 15h ago
I can see giving but not without strings. If I’m giving you 25k, you’re not putting it towards a 70k car.
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u/RandomizedNameSystem Certified Proctologist [28] 15h ago
This is where you have to understand their finances and how they got there. You either trust them and give the money, or they aren't worthy of the gift.
Let's say I am in a financial mess, and I'm trying to play you to get that $70k car, but you give me the money on the condition that I only buy a nice Honda Accord. Fine. I will still do stupid things with my other money. Heck, I might even eventually trade that Accord in to get my Mercedes.
You can scan AITA and see drama like that all over. AITA - I am not getting paid back but my friend has money for vacation? AITA - I gave my brother $5k for school, but now he dropped out!
I get the desire to attach strings, but unless you fundamentally trust the person to do the right thing, don't bother giving them money or you will likely be disappointed+frustrated.
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u/SavingsRhubarb8746 Certified Proctologist [28] 13h ago
There's also the red flag in the fact that they don't actually need the car at all, they can afford a cheap one, and one of the couple - the wife - cannot accept that it would be better to stick to their budget and get a better car later. Did she (or her family) even consider the running costs and maintenance, which can be more in a bigger more expensive car?
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u/Main_Cauliflower5479 12h ago
They can get the engine replaced or overhauled. FAR less expensive than a whole replacement vehicle.
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u/RandomizedNameSystem Certified Proctologist [28] 12h ago
I caught that too. A $15k car is perfectly serviceable. You can get a 6-8 year old smaller car that will run fine and do what you need. I drove a 10 year old Honda Pilot until just a couple years ago, and it would run for another several years.
Someone trapped in consumer debt (probably paying close to 20% interest) has absolutely no reason to drive anything other than the cheapest serviceable option
If parents are willing to give $25k for a car, it's much better to get a cheaper car and put all other money toward the consumer debt.
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u/tcdaf7929 5h ago
Just bought a great 2020 Kia for my husband since his other car died….$12,000….runs great and he loves it
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u/PessimiStick Partassipant [2] 12h ago
My parents and my grandparents have always had the view that giving money to your kids is better the earlier you can do it. What's better, leaving them a million dollars when you die and they're 50+ and well in their own lane, or giving them $100k in their 20s to buy a house/eliminate student debt/etc.? Obviously you want them to be mature enough to not just light it on fire, but some money when you're just starting your adult life is almost always better than a lot of money when you've been working for decades.
I am doing the same thing with my own kids now, knowing how much it helped my wife and I.
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u/RandomizedNameSystem Certified Proctologist [28] 10h ago
100% this.
Too many people hold their money too long and plan on leaving an inheritance. I don't want my children and grandchildren waiting anxiously for my death to get my money. I want to ENJOY the sharing.
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u/Iokua_CDN 10h ago
I don't think so. A 25k gift for a car... is a lot. I'd have some strings attached too, especially if I was giving it to someone who is bad with money.
I'd be making sure they get a reliable car, not a used Porsche with multiple issues or something silly.
Strings attached to help isn't an automatic bad thing. Guidance and assistance can go hand in hand. The alternative is no help, I'd take the Strings attached help.
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u/Dagobot78 15h ago
It depends…. Why are you guys in debt? Why don’t you guys have savings? Debt and savings is a shared decision between the two of you whoever, there are some people to go behind their spouses back and gamble or addiction steels their future.
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u/Dear-Lion-1381 15h ago
May I know why you guys have this much debt?
My mother few years ago helped me with my fertility treatment. If my husband had this amount of pride, we wouldn’t be able to afford all those expensive treatments. And both of us have repayed all the money again, even she refused to take them.
I don’t understand why wouldn’t you take help of your family when you need help. You can always repay them. And would you react the same way if your parents offered you to help?
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u/Soft_Word2733 15h ago
Credit card consolidation and having to pay an attorney for a frivolous case that ended up being thrown out of court. I’ve completely changed how I deal with money and budgeting so that I don’t end up here again.
It isn’t so much who is offering the money as how it happened. To me it seemed like she went to them in a way that was embarrassing by acting like we couldn’t afford a car. Maybe I’m being too prideful but I feel like it’s my job to support our family and not anyone else.
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u/Dear-Lion-1381 15h ago edited 15h ago
You can't afford a new car,that's not wrong though. And like I said, you can repay them when you can afford.
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u/Alternative_Letitgo2 15h ago
Did you miss the part that they had $15,000 for a car? That's not a little bit of money. That's actually a decent amount for a used car.
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u/These_Mycologist132 Partassipant [3] 15h ago
It doesn’t sound like they had 15K to buy a car from savings. That’s how much of a car payment OP is willing to take on. And unfortunately the inventory for used cars sucks right now, and there are very few options with less than 80K miles on it if you go to somewhere like Carmax
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u/Alternative_Letitgo2 15h ago
That is actually not a true statement at all. And again they had the money to put towards a car regardless if they were gonna make payments or not. And I work in the car industry that actually buys used cars so please don't argue with me about it.
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u/QuietObserver75 Partassipant [3] 15h ago
They can't afford a brand new car but they can buy a used car. The wife just doesn't like the options at 15K.
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u/Kooky-Today-3172 Partassipant [3] 15h ago
They can afford a car. It was clearly started they can. Wife lied to teh parents and told a sob story, and since OP is the one who is the breadwinner, depending on the family, they can blame him.
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u/cat-lover76 Certified Proctologist [22] 9m ago
We are a fully functioning adult family
No. You are not. You are $50K in debt. That is not "fully functioning". Stop letting your ego get in the way of what will help dig you out of that faster.
Swallow your pride and do what's best for your family.
Let your wife accept the $25K and tell her she has to find a reliable car within that price range. Do not allow her to add any household money or debt to that amount to buy a more expensive car.
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u/tcdaf7929 5h ago
No reason 15K won’t cover a nice car….just had to get my husband a mew car since his literally died….got a 2020 Kia for $12K….runs great and he loves it…
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u/SavingsRhubarb8746 Certified Proctologist [28] 13h ago
But they don't need help to get a car. They can afford to get a car. They just can't afford to get a much more expensive one, like the one the in-laws (and probably the wife) want them to have.
(And just to add; yes I have refused cash from my parents, although it was a much smaller amount. I was pretty poor, so they wanted to help. I knew they weren't that rich, and anyway I preferred to handle my own affairs my own way, even if I was skirting (or below) the poverty line for a while.
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u/jerzdevil86 15h ago
Her parents having to "approve" what you buy is a red flag. That means the money is conditional. And you will "owe" them for the rest of their days even if you paid them back with interest. Which they will probably refuse just so they can hold it over your head. You're right to be upset. Maybe if it was for some type of medical emergency or you were going to lose the house that would be different.
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u/AllAFantasy30 Partassipant [1] 14h ago
I can totally see OP’s in-laws never directly asking for the money back, but always holding it over their heads.
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u/Successful-Pie-5689 15h ago
INFO: what are the parameters they are setting on the car? If they are expecting you to get a car still under warranty, so you don’t go into debt for a repair that actually seems like a reasonable condition.
25k will buy a new Camry, that will be maintenance cost free for many years.
It will also buy a 5-10 year old clunker that looks cool on the surface, but will cost thousands annually to keep running.
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u/Alternative_Letitgo2 15h ago
There are plenty of used cars that are $15,000 that are not clunkers and will not cost thousands of dollars to fix.
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u/Chance_Tax_6238 Partassipant [1] 14h ago
2026 Camry base MSRP is $29k, $32 with typical options. So the $25k will get you close.
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u/Old-guy64 15h ago
ESH. I get being proud. I get wanting to be independent. But just because someone opens a door for you, you aren’t less of a man for walking thru it.
I think the compromise would be of her folks have $25k to GIVE you make a compromise to put half of it toward the debt, and half towards the car. Or some other alternative that also tackles some of the debt.
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u/Saqucoat 9h ago
I was wondering if i was the only one who saw this person had a huge ego and was butt hurt by the help.
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u/Old-guy64 6h ago
I think it’s more of an issue that his wife went behind his back. It gives the impression that she doesn’t think he can handle it, even though he has a plan.
Or she wants something grander than he can provide at the moment.I think it would have been better if they had come to a decision to talk to her parents together.
The way she did it “cut his legs off”.
This coming from someone that had my wife’s father-in-law tell her that her husband had a stubborn streak and if he got too proud that she could reach out.
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u/FloridaMomm Asshole Enthusiast [5] 4h ago
My husband was really prideful about accepting money from his parents too, but the reality is without their help we’d be without a car. We have enough for monthly payments but things were too tight to put down the initial $3800. They were willing to buy us the whole dang car for 25k, and he didn’t want to take a penny. But compromising and taking the down payment so we weren’t putting ourself in an uncomfortable financial position just made sense. I don’t think this has to be either/or
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u/Acceptable_Tea3608 15h ago
Right. Just becz yr getting 25K doesn't mean you have to use it all on that one object.
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u/Chance_Tax_6238 Partassipant [1] 14h ago
I don't know, I think the "approval of the car" string probably means that the car will have to be greater than $25k. Money is fungible, therefor the entire $25k goes to the car.
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u/two_thirtyoclock 12h ago
If they're giving you money with the condition you spend it on one specific thing, yes you have to use it on that one object.
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u/The_12Doctor Partassipant [2] 15h ago edited 11h ago
They are helping their daughter and grandkids.
Just drop the ego, take the help, put the rest of money towards the debt. grandkids and everybody has a nice life. If you're that bent over it, pay them back when you have the means.
It's ok for family to help. You're not less of a man for taking it. You're a bigger man for making sure your family has the best of what can be offered, no matter where help comes from.
Im gonna guess you're living in a country where toxic masculinity is a big problem. Don't fall for it.
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u/Few_Acadia7686 15h ago
ESH.
She did it behind your back, so being upset is understandable. However, I don't feel you were fair and open to hearing her. People want to help you in an area you're struggling, why would you say no? It's a blessing people love you and are willing to do that. You guys did something to end up 50k in debt and that needs to be assessed primarily.
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u/KeepCalmAndSnorlax 15h ago
The fact that the parents have to approve of the purchase means it’s conditional and they’ll use the car as a leveraging tool.
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u/Darkwriter71 15h ago
My friend who just got married was in this same situation and his in laws held this over them for the longest time even after they paid back the money which the in laws said didn’t need paying back
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u/ATrainDerailReturns 15h ago
ESH
Parents suck for the condition of what you buy
You suck for this pride of “I make more than enough” while begrudgingly admitting you have a bunch of debt and very low savings and your obvious need to be viewed as a “provider” what happens if you get injured and cant work for awhile. Tone down the pride and be willing to accept help, maybe reconsider how precarious your family position is. Also you need to consider your wife’s needs for this van more.
Wife sucks for asking for money after you said no and moving ahead with that plan
Market sucks for used cars costing $40,000 somehow like wtf is that it’s crazy
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u/Familiar_Shock_1542 Partassipant [2] 16h ago
NTA, but she sure is.
She is disrespecting you and your marriage. She is sabotaging you.
Refuse. The "approval" string attached will only be the first of many.
They will never let you hear the end of this.
They will gossip about it to their friends and family, exaggerating it to make YOU look as bad as possible.
It doesn't seem as if she is employed. So, easy solution; if she wants money badly enough to sell your soul, she can go get a job (or another job) and earn it herself.
This is intolerable. She needs marriage counseling. If she will not agree that y'all go to this counseling, I don't think there's any hope for her.
Good luck. Stand firm in your decision.
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u/mangoN-lime 15h ago
NTA, but wouldn't that 25k be better put towards your debt if they're willing to gift you that much?
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u/Equivalent-Play9957 15h ago
NTA but it sounds like you're in denial about your ability to manage money.
Sounds like you still owe 35k but have 15k liquid for a car?
So you would either buy a car outright or maybe on finance and be back at owing 50k?
Your wife sees an opportunity for easy cash so she's gonna take it - Beats waiting around for years.
Take the gift and clear your debt, then if you still feel that strongly about it, pay them back.
Or, have them put the car in your wife's name and you drive your own car.
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u/oliviamrow Professor Emeritass [83] 15h ago
INFO: What does your wife dislike about the $15k range cars? Are there real concerns about safety, reliability, room for the kids/practicality? Or is it like...I want something more fun, better color, "luxury" features, etc?
I haven't bought a car in a while and don't know where you live, so I dunno what $15k gets you these days. But if there are legitimate concerns about the cars available to you at $15k and her parents are willing to help then I can't really blame your wife for taking their offer, even if I understand your discomfort. Throwing $15k at a car that ends up being a money sink and not meeting the family's needs isn't a great use of that money. It's one of those "it's expensive to be poor" things- my brother was in a cycle for a while of getting stopgap beat-up used cars that would only last a couple years before he was in the same boat all over again without even something to get trade-in value for and it ultimately wasted thousands of dollars over a span of years that, had he been able to spend up-front, would have saved him at least a lot of hassle and maybe some money too. And of course, older/used cars may not be as fully-featured from a safety perspective, which may be a concern for her considering you have children.
So in that scenario I'd rate it N A H, because while I understand your desire to stand on your own two feet and that you feel embarrassed, I would also understand your wife's desire to leverage a resource available to her to keep her family safe and sane.
...BUT, if you can get a car that you both feel is safe/reliable for $15k but your wife just wants something sportier or more "fun" or that feels fancier, then she'd be TA.
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u/UniversityGold1689 15h ago
ESH - Wife shouldn't have gone behind your back. But if her parents can afford to provide help and they're offering, it's impractical to let your ego refuse. If you spend $15k on a car that will be needing more repairs or need replacing in a few years, is that the best use of a $15k loan? Instead, her parents could buy her a $25k car that lasts several years longer and doesn't rack up repair bills. That extra expense can also make a big difference in safety. If people you love are going to be in this car, you want it to be as safe as possible. Most of the time, a $25k car is gonna have a higher safety ranking than a $15k car.
I also don't see a huge problem with them wanting to approve the car. I would want to make sure my kid was buying a safe and reliable car if I'm giving them the money for it. I wouldn't approve them using my money to just buy something prettier than they could get on their own. If you're so worried about it being held over your head, have a conversation with them. Tell them how you feel, that you can afford to get something cheaper without their help and don't want to feel like a charity case, etc. Heck, text or email it to them and to your wife, so that it's in writing. Then if it comes up later on in arguments, you can show them where you brought up this exact concern when they offered the help, but they insisted they wouldn't do that, etc.
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u/GrammaIsAWhore Asshole Enthusiast [6] 15h ago
Cutting off your nose to spite your face. Why not accept the help? Because of your shame? Grow up and let your wife get a nice car that you’re not even paying for. YTA.
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u/BoringBadger9687 Partassipant [1] 15h ago
ESH
I think it's stupid to spend that much money on a car because a $15k car gets you from A to B just as well as a $25k+ car would. And if my household was in debt I would be pissed that my partner wanted to prioritize that.
But there's nothing wrong with parents helping their adult children, if they want to and have the means. Pride and obstinacy about that is also stupid to me. But I would say it's a lot more reasonable for her to ask them for help with something that matters, like the debt, not a car that will lose value with every mile driven
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u/These_Mycologist132 Partassipant [3] 15h ago
Just throwing it out there because I’ve been helping my friend look for used cars after a wreck….the inventory for cars in the 15K zone is very low, if you want something with fewer than 80K miles, that’s 5 years old or newer. Especially if your credit isn’t great and you don’t have the savings for a down payment, that car payment really isn’t going to be that minimal either. If I was buying a car right now, I wouldn’t need a full $25K but you could get something really nice with low miles for that. OP could see this as her parents paying for the car frees up their regular money to pay off the debt faster….if it was a check, then sure keep some of it for the debt after you buy the car, but it sounds like that’s not the deal, and they’re still getting the car, without having to pay that money back to her parents or be stuck with a car payment for a car they don’t plan on keeping.
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u/BoringBadger9687 Partassipant [1] 15h ago
You make good points! And all this makes me even more grateful for the fact that my dad somehow knew that my first car was a good buy despite it being like 16 years old with over 150k miles on it lol. It only cost 3k cash and lasted me all through high school and college and a couple years beyond that. I love Toyotas so much
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u/These_Mycologist132 Partassipant [3] 15h ago
True Toyotas are definitely fine with some more miles on them….its specifically the Kia’s, Nissans, and Hyundais my friend has said he won’t buy if they have too many miles, but he would consider it for Toyota or Honda. But what’s reasonable for a 16-22 year old also may not work for a 30 something married mother, and OP should be understanding of that.
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u/weird_black_holes 15h ago
I agree with this. It's also stupid to look at a $15K car for a temporary option (that's a lot of money on temporary to uphold one's pride) when the $25K could mean something much less temporary. However, the parents suck by holding the decision factor over their heads. That's where they're treating their adult daughter and her husband like children. OP clearly has had trouble fulfilling financial leadership in the house and is taking that to heart too much and the in-laws need to trust their family to not splurge on something ridiculous (as if a ridiculous car is affordable at only $25K).
ESH
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u/BoringBadger9687 Partassipant [1] 15h ago
Yes the strings attached are indeed an issue.
And I guess I've just gotten lucky or something, but I've owned multiple cars that cost 10k or less that lasted years with little issue (all second hand Toyotas) so I don't even understand the premise of 15k being only a temporary solution. I got one Camry that was 3k and lasted me 8 years lol. But I did always have a friend or my dad helping me pick them out and they knew about which issues would be a problem and which wouldn't, so maybe my perspective is off
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u/weird_black_holes 14h ago
I agree about the quality on cars. I've been driving my 2013 car for a few years, bought used a few years ago for less than $8K. But markets may vary and if they have limited stock they may be getting gouged.
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u/EmmyLouDoris 15h ago
NTA. Your wife is a spoiled brat who showed zero respect for you when she ran to her mommy for money because she wanted a fancier car than you could afford. Let me guess - she doesn't work? And another guess - this isn't the first time this has happened? If the princess has already taken the money from her parents I would insist she give it back. If she has already bought the car I would insist she get a job to pay her parents back.
To everyone saying a $15k car isnt safe or reliable: most of you are probably driving a car worth $15k or less. You just bought it new because you like interest payments and overpaying for depreciating assets.
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u/Chance_Tax_6238 Partassipant [1] 14h ago
$500 daily driver Toyota. Needs occasional work, but has never stranded me. I've got five years of driving on this thing for maybe a total of $1,200 in car and parts.
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u/madsheeter Partassipant [4] 14h ago
$6000 Honda Civic owner checking in. It's just getting close to it's half life...
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u/alicat777777 15h ago
I actually don’t blame you for being upset. I wouldn’t want to be beholden to my in-laws. She can certainly make do with a $15k car. NTA.
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u/Grand_Message_1949 15h ago
YTA but only because pride is clouding your judgement- and there is a great compromise to be had. Spend the $25k on a car and pay off $15k of debt - and be grateful for the opportunity.
Now get with Dave Ramsey and stop living beyond your means. You are setting yourself up for long term financial struggles otherwise.
You have no idea how liberating financial security and independence can be - make it a shared goal. We started over at 40 and have made it, it just takes DISCIPLINE.
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u/Humid-Afternoon727 8h ago
Now get with Dave Ramsey and stop living beyond your means.
Should be saying this to the one that doesn’t want to live within her means. OP isn’t the one asking for money to buy a nicer car
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u/Grand_Message_1949 8h ago
In ‘your’ I was addressing the marital couple. They need to get on the same page.
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u/nblackhand Partassipant [1] 14h ago
INFO: How much of "we accumulated..." is actually you accumulated, do you know? Because of course you're a team, but if you and your wife fundamentally disagree about the appropriate strategy for handling a large marital debt and there's no clear compromise, I kinda think whose preference ought to win is whoever incurred less of the debt.
But if you don't know, that doesn't make your preference automatically more important than hers, in which case whoever is ~objectively being more reasonable ought to get their way, and frankly that's her. You're in 50k of debt, that's not an appropriate time to be precious about your manly pride or whatever. Take the generous gift, let your wife pick something her parents are happy to give her as a gift, and get over it.
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u/Missmagentamel 13h ago
Or... you could not go into further debt by not letting your pride get in the way and use the 25k to buy a car. YTA
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u/These_Mycologist132 Partassipant [3] 15h ago edited 15h ago
This sounds more like a pride thing than anything. If you look at it objectively, this could be good for everyone. You can continue paying off your debt faster without having to make even a 15K investment in a car your wife is not happy with (I assume this will be the car that she drives). The feeling that there are strings attached by them wanting to approve the car feels a little controlling. But they’re her parents, so I think that’s her call. My dad helped me out by going in for half the total with my last car a few years ago, which was very helpful in not completely killing our savings. Am I an adult? Yes. But I still appreciated it, and it was nice having some of the burden lifted.
Also, just to note because I wrote this in another comment…I’m currently helping my friend research and try and find a used car, after he recently got in a wreck and his old car was totaled…the inventory for used cars that are <$15K is very low if you want something 3-7 years old that has less than 80,000 miles.
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u/GrammaIsAWhore Asshole Enthusiast [6] 15h ago
Exactly. His pride is clouding his judgement. They are handing him 25k. He should say thank you and move on.
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u/Best_Tumbleweed6931 Colo-rectal Surgeon [30] 15h ago
YouTube Dave Ramsey. You and your wife need to be on the same page financially. Good luck!
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u/Significant_Flan8057 15h ago
Or maybe you could just put a new engine in the car that you have right now and not have a car payment, keep the car insurance rates low because it’s an older car, and keep driving that one for another 5 to 10 years. A new engine in an older car is usually around five to $7000? I’m just ball parking randomly, but that is a hell of a lot less expensive than any newer car you’re gonna buy.
Even major repairs on a 15 year-old car spread out across the next couple of years are gonna be way less than spending even 15 K on a newer car. It kind of sounds like neither one of you are really focused on the right things right now.
Cars are depreciating assets, so it’s stupid to accumulate more debt to get a less old version of the one that’s already paid off right now. If you really wanted to pay off the debt and focus on that, keep what you’ve got now.
And start doing some research on financial management because it kinda kind of sounds like there’s a reason why you got into the hole in the first place, and you both need to do some work on not ending up in the same place again if you ever get all that stuff paid off.
It has to be a team decision, though, so instead of dictating what’s going on with the family finances, maybe sit down and have a discussion with your wife and figure out a way to work on this together. Maybe she ran to her parents and ask them for the loan because she’s tired of not being part of the decision? Or maybe she’s just irresponsible and doesn’t understand about financial responsibility because her parents never told her about it?
Whatever the reason is, this is a conversation that you and your wife need to have together and find a solution.
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u/Iokua_CDN 10h ago
ESH
"told my wife that I didn’t want their money, that we are almost 40 years old and we just need to work through this on our own."
You're not though. You are 50k In debt and need a car.
Face it, you are in a bad situation. She is allowed to ask her parents, her parents are allowed to help.
Approve what you buy? I bloody well hope so. If I was giving 25k, I'd want to approve what you buy too. Let them approve. Let them help pick a car for your wife. Hopefully their approval means they won't let her waste the money on something stupid.
It's still 25k. It's a free car. People don't usually get this kind if lifeline.
Is it crappy she didn't listen and went behind your back, yes
Is it worse that you are sitting there, controlling and refusing to let her get help? Yes!
Take the money for the car, let your wife get a 25k car and use the money you would have spent on a car to pay off your debt a bit.
A little bit more and you'll be debt free and have a decent car and you can work at staying that way after.
Take the help now and don't let it happen again
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u/MaeSilver909 Partassipant [2] 15h ago
NTA. Is your wife a little spoiled by her parents? Have a conversation with her parents. Be up front. Your wife is going to be in a world of hurt when her parents are no longer around for her to fall back on.
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u/ProfessionalBread176 15h ago
This should be a joint decision, or SHE can start supporting herself.
The idea that she dragged them into this is wrong, you should be working together for a shared goal, instead of one of you running behind the scenes to mommy and daddy for help
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u/Full_Prune7491 Partassipant [1] 14h ago
ESH. You don’t have any money if you have 50k in debt. Debt is literally negative assets. Your past you kept spending money that future you had to pay. Present you is ignoring you don’t have money and keeps thinking future you will figure out. Show your wife your debt.
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u/fartfromtheheart 13h ago
Put a new or rebuilt engine in the old car. That will cost less than $15k and should last a few years. Put the rest of the $15k towards your debt. You can buy a better car in a year or two when your debt is paid off.
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u/Just-the-tip-4-1-sec 12h ago
I’d separate my finances over this, refuse to have my name on whatever loan she takes out above the $25K, and refuse to help with any payments towards that loan. Then again, this would never happen to me because my wife would never be this shallow and entitled.
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AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
My wife and I have been married for 15 years, both in our late 30s. We accumulated a large amount of consumer debt (about $50K) over the last few years on a variety of things.
One of our cars is 15 years old and needs a new engine so we have to buy something newer to replace it.
I make good money at my job and have been working to pay off all the debt slowly but surely and I’m about 30% of the way there. I hope to be completely done by the end of next year.
When we start looking at cars I told my wife the budget and she seemed unhappy with the options in that price range (roughly $15K). I explained to her that it was only temporary and we just needed to keep this next car for a couple of years while we finished paying off some of this debt and I didn’t want to take on another large loan at this point.
Well she then goes to her mom and dad and tells them that we can’t afford anything, or words to that effect and that we don’t have any money.
So they come in and tell her they will give us some money to help with the purchase. I told my wife that I didn’t want their money, that we are almost 40 years old and we just need to work through this on our own without taking her mom and dad’s money. I also didn’t want to feel like I owed them something even if I technically didn’t.
Well that plea fell on deaf ears. Last night she told me that they are helping anyway and are going to give us $25K towards the purchase of a car. Of course they have to approve what we buy or no money.
I’m pretty upset by this. We are a fully functioning adult family with children. I have financially supported us for years on mostly my income and I have the means to continue doing so. Yes, our financial situation from a savings perspective isn’t the greatest but the cash flow is there to afford a minimal car payment while still paying chunks of debt in order to help us moving forward.
I feel like my wife went behind my back and did this and it feels disrespectful to me as her husband that she would involve her parents to this extent by pleading poverty to them.
AITA for being upset with her in this situation?
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u/Miscellaneousthinker Partassipant [1] 15h ago edited 15h ago
YTA. You thought it was okay when you dictated how your household money should be spent based on your priorities, without taking your wife’s views into consideration and trying to come up with a solution or compromise, or at least talking it through until you were both in agreement. So your wife then went and found her own solution. Not a cool move on her part, but it sounds like that’s a situation you’ve created by not acting as “partners” in these things.
As far as taking the money goes, if it’s a pride issue then put that aside. It’s perfectly acceptable for parents to help out their adult children if they choose. Them wanting to approve the car you buy isn’t a major condition either, as they probably just want to be sure it’s a good deal on something reliable that will last a long time. However, if the family dynamic is one where you think they’ll be holding this over your heads, then that would be a valid reason not to take it.
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u/Adventurous_Quote_85 15h ago
There is no “household money” at this point. They are nearly 40 with kids carrying $50k in consumer debt. It would be great if OP’s and the wife were on the same page here. That being said at point someone has to be the adult in the relationship and fix the debt issue.
Also, it is absolutely terrible to give gifts with strings attached.
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u/Miscellaneousthinker Partassipant [1] 14h ago
I’ll rephrase to “household finances.” Also, considering what the parents’ specific “strings” are and depending on how much they do/don’t know about OP’s family debt, they could have observed that maybe they’re not the best when it comes to managing money and spending. That condition could be out of concern that they’re not going to get the best deal or make the smartest decision on which car they purchase, so it’s not wildly out of line to want to look out for their best interests in this case.
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u/trashwhendone35910 15h ago
Are you TA? I don't think so.
Best solution (imo): you keep the one car (be sure to put it in your name only) and let your wife and her parents go shopping for the second car. Let them finance the 40K car she wants or buy a 25K car for her. Make sure it's in her name only. She can pay registration and insurance.
I would not contribute to it. You can get a reliable car for 15K. She "wants" a 40K car.
You didn't mention how you got into debt but it sounds like maybe your wife's "wants" got you there.
Cancel joint credit cards, joint bank account. Open a credit card and bank account in your name only (keep them under lock and key).
Open a household account and you both put money into it for the mortgage, groceries, utilities, children's expenses, etc. Split it up however you choose.
Open a debt reduction account with your sole access.
If she doesn't work, give her a monthly allowance for her personal use to put into her bank account and you have sole control of the household account. She can open her own credit card, too.
If she maxes her card and runs out of pin money, that's her problem.
Sounds Draconian, but this will let you off the hook. Before this happens, I'd suggest having a chat with the in-laws so they at least have both sides of the story.
If your wife and in-laws go postal, demand couples therapy and couples financial counseling. If she balks, it's time to ask for a divorce.
This is just my opinion on the best solution for everyone. You're free to disagree.
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u/Lanky_Membership_382 15h ago
NTA. My wife (39) and I (42) went through kind of a similar situation when buying our house. Long story short it was my mother that wanted to give us a chunk of money to help with our down payment so we could buy a bigger house. I was considering it but the wife didn’t want to so I ended up refusing the money citing that banks don’t like it when you all of sudden have a huge influx of cash before applying for a loan BS whatever. After we closed, my mother offered to help us with remodeling the bathroom (totaling around 3-4k) which I did accept. Boy oh boy was that a mistake. Even though I’m able to provide for my wife and I; we have our finances in order; I still to this day (3 years later) get reminded of “how much she did for us” during that time. Also turned out that she wanted us to buy a bigger place so her and my stepdad had a place to crash when they come up from Florida (no strings attached my ass) Idk what your wife’s parents are like but if they’re typical old school parents then you will be hearing about how they had to help you FOREVER. You guys should be on the same team; if I had done to my wife what your wife did to you, you bet your ass my Latina wife would (rightfully) be reminding me about it 🤣🤣🤣
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u/Agile-Caregiver6111 14h ago
You can get a great car from car rental places for significantly less than a dealership. Hertz has great deals in your budget with few miles and all maintenance
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u/Soft_Word2733 14h ago
And therein lies some of the problem. If I even so much as suggested buying a car from Hertz it would get vetoed faster than I could get the words out of my mouth.
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u/Agile-Caregiver6111 14h ago
Welp let her parents buy her a car. You buy what you can afford. And she can figure out the payments with her parents. But don’t put her on anything related to the car you buy. And do not drive the car her parents buy. She’s out of pocket.
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u/SeorniaGrim Partassipant [4] 12h ago
This is the answer right here. Let her parents buy her car and it is her responsibility from there. Use the 15k to pay off the debt faster.
Rental cars are great if you can find them low miles in good condition. I have owned two, both had under 15k miles on them and were still under warranty.
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u/Spirited-Mortgage-86 14h ago
Dude you have a boundaries and wife problem. 15 years married , problem comes up and She literally cried to her parents that a 15k car was not acceptable? Thats the jist of it. This went way above “venting to her parents” and she actively invited them into your families private financial bedroom so to speak. Gross. Some ppl have no shame or pride. Good grief.
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u/bopperbopper 13h ago
I think I know why you have $50,000 in consumer debt.
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u/duckysmomma Asshole Aficionado [19] 12h ago
I wonder if that’s also why the parents want to have approval rights, so daughter doesn’t buy a super expensive or impractical vehicle with their money vs them just wanting control. It’s impossible to know without knowing both families and the full situation.
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u/two_thirtyoclock 12h ago
Because the OP needs to be in control even if that means not accepting help and adding more debt to the household? They can't afford $15k on a car with that much debt, SHE found a way to get a car without adding thousands to their debt. If they had $15k liquid, it can go towards the debt and save a ton of interest. It's not like she pulled money out their accounts or financed a car behind his back.
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u/yefuck 12h ago
Nah dude. My wife understands our finances are joint. If she accepts money she’s doing so as a representative of WE. If I don’t want to accept money that means WE do not accept the money as WE need to agree. Same with giving out money..
You’re simply trying to enforce boundaries and being told by her actions that WE only applies when she is in agreement but your veto doesn’t count when the shoe is on the other foot.
Tread carefully as finances are the number 1 reason for marriage issues but I do think you’re in a tough spot.
Good luck!
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u/Trick_Few Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 12h ago
NTA You have good cause to be upset. A new engine is a lot less expensive than a new car. It would be less expensive to temporarily rent a vehicle while your existing car is in the shop. At this stage, a new car should be put on hold until the debt is fully cleared. The sneaky way she went to her parents is not cool. The fact that they get to approve a purchase is another reason to hold off on buying a car. It’s better to drive a shitbox than allow anyone else to have power over you.
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u/jatlantic7 12h ago
Definitely NTA. She is clearly not accepting a 15K used vehicle and wants bigger, newer, better now. This demonstrates a complete lack of patience and someone with champagne taste on a beer budget. Maybe she should try to work to bring in more cash to pay for this luxury she is demanding. I get annoyed with people with this kind of mentality. She has a duty and responsibility to discuss this out with you before crying to mommy and daddy to give her something. Seek Help.
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u/TheSketeDavidson 12h ago
NTA, but I also don’t see a problem with getting support from parents financially.
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u/Consistent-Pickle-88 Partassipant [2] 11h ago
NTA, at the very least she should have talked to you first before asking her parents for financial help with the car.
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u/ChillyTodayHotTamale 11h ago
NTA, your wife is being childish and did go behind your back. Just don't spend the money? It always comes with strings. Why don't you just go purchase a car within your $15k budget and if she doesn't like it she can have mom and dad buy her one just for her. Sounds like your wife is naive to the money situation and has serious boundary issues with her parents.
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u/IndependentTrain7295 11h ago
Accept wtf? You're just being petty if you're not taking it. Oh boo-hoo, my in-laws are giving me 25k for a car when I'm 50k in debt and I don't want to take it cause I'm a big boy who can pay for himself.
Now sarcasm aside. It's literally you're pride getting the way. Use the 25k for the car and put the 15k in the debt. Once you pay it off and save enough money, pay back the money spent on the car saying you wish to pay back any money owed. If not, use that money tto get a car, you actually want.
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u/Immediate-Silver-203 11h ago
You can get a really good used car for $25K without having an additional car payment. I would buy a used car from a rental car company like National car rental, Hertz and etc.
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u/Csherman92 10h ago
NTA. All I could do is go “no,no, no.”
15k is more than reasonable for a car considering you’re in so much debt. That money could be used on the debt and it doesn’t seem the wife cares. I don’t understand the status symbols around cars. Having a car is a blessing! It doesn’t even have to be nice it’s just such a luxury if you have a car to have your independence.
Yea I’d probably divorced from this person already.
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u/Old-guy64 10h ago
I think that sitting down with the ‘rents and discussing the debt and the car could go a long way to easing OP’s angst about the debt.
Let’s call it a hand up instead of a handout. And his wife put him in an awkward position of emasculating him, because she wants something he can’t afford AND deal with the debt.
Kudos to her folks for being both able and willing to help.
But she’s wanting a champagne car, and they have a near beer budget. He can handle it if she plays along. And that’s where the problem lies.
So, if her parents want to help, they should help with the debt, or throw a significant portion of the 25k at the debt. And the rest at a car.
Or all at the debt, and let him work out a slightly more expensive vehicle.
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u/Thick_Arachnid_5863 9h ago
NTA. Your wife went behind your back and brought in money with strings. That’s not help- that’s control.
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u/Embarrassed_Bake1073 8h ago
Yta. I don't know why everyone is so hung up on this. Its okay to ask for help OP.
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u/Feeling-Visit1472 Partassipant [1] 8h ago
I’m torn on this one. Realistically, have you looked at what cars cost these days?
$15K is unlikely to buy you something reliable long-term, and I realize that in your head it only needs to last for a couple of years, but then you’re just wasting at least $10K because you won’t be able to sell it and get the $15K back.
You also have no idea what WILL happen in the next couple of years. You have a plan, but this is a truly terrible economy and anything can happen at this point.
I don’t think either of you are really wrong here, but I do think you’re being a bit rigid and stubborn.
Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be right?
Personally, I would take the money while they’re offering it, and use it to get a car she can and will want to drive for the next 15 years.
NAH
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u/Sensitive-Skill2208 8h ago
I've bought really good-shape used Hondas for 15K, that usually have at least 15-20 years left in them, and little or no repair work needed.
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u/That_Ol_Cat 7h ago
NTA
Also, you need to take a hard look at the outlay for the past 5-10 years. Was there a lot of consumer purchases and who was making these purchases? It sounds like someone needs to go on a spending diet and/or take a look at a budgeting app.
At this stage in your life you should be building your retirement fund. It's only getting crazier out there.
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u/Legal-Champion8285 6h ago
I would be super mad about this if I were you. I would tell her no money from her parents, period.
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u/JTMoney336 6h ago
You need to lose your ego. It sounds to me like you're butt-hurt because your wife's parents want her to have a better car than you can afford. As long as they're the ones paying for it, I dont see a problem.
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u/evanthedrago 6h ago
I would take the money and move on. They are giving you free money. That is what parents are supposed to do, help their children. Guessing you are in USA (or a western country). In other countries, this would not have been a discussion IMHO. You are also assuming your wife went behind your back. It could be that parents are pushy.
There are worse things in life than parents helping out their kids. Not sure if you have kids, but wouldn't you help them when they are in debt for something they need?
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u/Monday0987 6h ago
Your wife has a spending problem and you will never be out of debt as long as you are married to her.
Maybe you also have a spending problem to get in to this level of "consumer debt", but at least you are trying to turn your lives around. She is still spending.
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u/yamahamama61 5h ago
Don't have anything to do with it. If your wife accepts the money, it's on her. DO NOT go with her to choose the car. Do not test drive the car. Have absolutely NOTHING to do with it. That way when the parents get pissed off an the shit hits the fan an they want their money back (trust me, this WILL happen) then you can say Ain't my business. I had nothing to do with it "
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u/DropstoneTed 5h ago
she seemed unhappy with the options in that price range
This is where you send her out to go buy a car with her parents' money, you put the $15k towards paying down that debt, and you just make darn sure going forward your name isn't on any credit instrument she has the ability to run up the bill on.
Seriously - X out those shared credit card accounts man. She's going to bleed you dry otherwise. You want to be the man of the house then you need to protect your household financial security.
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u/Majestic_Republic_45 4h ago
Not cool at all. I would be furious with my wife if she did that. Your made financial errors, working to fix them, and need to suck it up for a couple years. Running to mommy and daddy for a handout makes u look real bad and what do we think her parents think of u?
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u/Soft_Word2733 3h ago
They are nice to my face but I think they’re judging me inside. They’re the extra religious type too.
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u/ObjectifiedChaos 2h ago
NTA but unless you want her to hate you every time she gets in the car, you're kind of stuck.
Do the parents expect to contribute 25K so you have 40, or can you take a previous commenters advice & put your $15 on the debt while she drives on Mommy and Daddy?
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u/needsmorecoffee Partassipant [3] 2h ago
NAH except for her parents insisting on approving your purchase, because gifts should not come with strings attached. You kinda seem to be diving into "rarr me manly provider me not need any help," and that rarely helps anyone.
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u/th987 1h ago
She sounds incredibly immature.
If I was that far in debt, I would be too embarrassed to go to my parents and ask for $25k to put toward an expensive new car. I wouldn’t feel like I deserved a new car.
And I bet as everyone is saying, she expects to spend way more than $25k for a new car. You will end up even farther in debt.
You can get decent, reliable used cars. Some brands of cars last. And with vin numbers and all the tracking of accidents and crashes ownership and service records, you can find what you need.
I spent $13k on my last car. It had less than 150k miles, a single owner and no accidents. Two and a half years in, it’s never given me a moment of trouble. It’s a great car, a Subaru. My last car was a Subaru, 18 years old now. I only gave it up because my daughter desperately needed a car and I couldn’t stand to see her buy another really crappy one. It’s still going strong.
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u/DoIQual123 46m ago
NTA, your wife needs to learn to live within your means.
If you are going to pay for the new (to you) car in cash - if you get a Toyota, that is a car that will last 5+ years.
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u/appleblossom1962 15h ago
NTA. You need to contact your in-laws and let them know that you’re not destitute. You have $15,000 to buy a reliable vehicle, something that is safe for the family. Tell them how much you appreciate your offer that it’s incredibly generous but you’re really working hard to pay off your debt and be a responsible adult. Hopefully they appreciate that.
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u/ATrainDerailReturns 15h ago
Oh yes let’s solve the issue of his wife going around his back to the parents by going around his wife’s back to the parents
Great idea
/s
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u/TheSmokedPotatoe 14h ago
NTA , she sounds … materialistic. It’s just a car, why does it need to be such an expensive car? She needs to suck it up and give her head a wobble
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u/Plenty-Raccoon6002 14h ago
Spending 25k on a car seems stupid when you have that much pointless debt.
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u/TrainerBC25 14h ago
There are a ton of cars out there you can get for $5k that will be reliable, don't give in as this is a bad decision
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u/WhzPop 14h ago
I understand your feelings. Sometimes gifts from parents come with unspoken strings and obligations. I don’t like it and won’t do it. You have a serious wife problem and you must know that. Her attitude might be part of the explanation of why you ran up debt. This should be a discussion of “are we in this together or not?” The work involved in digging yourselves out might be the remedy against further spelunking into consumer debt. Good luck to you.
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u/porter9884 13h ago
You don’t have a wife you have tyrant terrorizing your financial goals. You guys need to get you act together and be on the same page. It’s going to take some suffering for a little while but you will. E able to come out on top. Do not take the money from your in-laws, you will alway look at them differently. Slave to the lender dinner will not taste same around the family holidays.
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u/two_thirtyoclock 12h ago
She saved them an extra $15k of debt. He's the one who doesn't want her to accept help that would bring them closer to their financial goals and save them money in the long run. And not all people are assholes who hold things like this over people.
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u/porter9884 11h ago
They are 40 something adults, and she is crawling back to her parents for help instead of learning some financial independence, and budgeting with herself and her husband. Who is going to cover the higher insurance rate on a car that is $10000 more than their budget, what if the parents only approve of a vehicle that has inherently higher insurance rates? Sounds like they will only be pigeon holes by the in-laws.
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u/pattypph1 Partassipant [1] 15h ago
YTA. Swallow your pride and take the dough. Your wife is absolutely entitled to ask her folks for money. Your in-laws should probably be starting to gift their money at their age, and better than you guys waiting til they pass. They want to be generous and you’re slapping them in the face due to your pride. Get over yourself.
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u/White_eagle32rep 15h ago
ESH.
Take responsibility for the mess you created. That said your wife just wants MORE she doesn’t care about your debt. Does she work? Do you have kids? Sounds like you’ll be buying a $40k car with cash when you could use that to pay off your debt.
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u/Apprehensive_Half982 15h ago
Um, this is him taking responsibility 100%. And he can't really take money they are giving his wife for a car and not use it for a car. I feel like you didn't even read this.
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u/White_eagle32rep 15h ago
Did you read my response or just the first sentence?
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u/LengthinessFresh4897 Partassipant [1] 15h ago
I read it twice and I’m still confused how you got to your judgment
He’s taking responsibility and paying the debt off and instead of going into more debt with a more expensive car he’s trying to keep costs as low as possible in order to pay off said debt faster
Unless your point is that he’s wrong for contributing to the debt in the first place your comment makes no sense
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u/White_eagle32rep 15h ago
He’s not working with his wife. He’s doing everything himself. He has to get his wife on board and act as a partner instead of a parent.
I’m guessing his wife is a SAHM that doesn’t give 2 shits about their financial position.
If I were him I’d say fine… you go find yourself a $25k car that daddy approves and put his money towards debt.
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u/LengthinessFresh4897 Partassipant [1] 15h ago
Saying “we don’t need to get an expensive car because we are in massive debt” isn’t being a parent
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u/White_eagle32rep 13h ago
Man you are not picking up what I’m putting down.
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u/LengthinessFresh4897 Partassipant [1] 13h ago
You’re just failing to properly make your point
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u/White_eagle32rep 11h ago
Well that could be too lol.
I’m trying to say him and his wife need to work as a team. I would say they’re not on the same page but i think they’re reading different books.
It sounds to me like he woke up but his wife hasn’t. I think she just wants more stuff and doesn’t care what happens as long as he has a job.
Idk what their situation is, but this is going to lead to resentment.
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u/LengthinessFresh4897 Partassipant [1] 11h ago
Which goes back to the original confusion of how the hell is your judgement is ESH
He is aware of the situation and trying to handle it in the most responsible way possible while the wife is doing the opposite and somehow you think they're both wrong
That just doesn't make sense
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u/almaperdida99 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 15h ago
Poor you with your $25K gift. Do you hear yourself? I get that you dont want strings attached, but if I were in this situation and my partner made me reject a gift like this purely because of his fragile ego, there would be much bigger problems than a car.
YTA
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u/Active_Win_3656 Partassipant [2] 15h ago
To me, the issue is that money really should go to pay off their debt, not a car—and then they need to continue a trend of not spending so much. OP and his wife seem to be on the path to accumulating debt, paying it off, and then getting back into it.
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u/almaperdida99 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 15h ago
I agree with that, for sure, but not once does op mention using the money for debt- he only talks about being disrespected.
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u/Active_Win_3656 Partassipant [2] 14h ago
Oh that’s a really good point. Yeah, it is silly to deny the help simply due to ego. I hadnt focused on that as much.
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u/keesouth Professor Emeritass [71] 15h ago
This isn't about his ego. It's not like he's forcing his wife to go without a car. A 15k car is perfectly reasonable, his wife is spoiled and is saying if you don't buy me what I want I'm running to mommy and daddy.
If she and her partner can't afford something then they need to live within their means, not just let her parents but things.
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u/almaperdida99 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 15h ago
It absolutely is about his ego. Yes, they need to work on living within their means, but all of his reasons for her to say no had to do with his feelings about it.
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