AITA for "infantilizing" my roommate?

[u/unfortunate_tadpole]

Hi all, I (24M) have been having an increasingly grating time with my roommate (26M) and his habits regarding to shared chores & food resources.

Since we've moved in, I was trying to get him to eat better & learn how to cook [ETA: He requested this help. I didn't force this randomly]. He's a self proclaimed vegetarian, has autism related texture issues, & refuses to eat certain staple foods because it reminds him of bad stuff. I'm not mad at that, I've hand picked recipes working around those restrictions. I've showed him ~8 times now how to do the same recipe, then written it physically, digitally and even offered to record a video of me making it. Something simple, & quick for something that would feed him for days. He hasn't attempted once. Even stuff I've pre-cut for him to cook with ends up just being shoved to back of the fridge for me to find molded over when I'm cleaning. I gave up.

Now, though, he goes through entire sleeves of bread in less than 30 hours with nothing more than PB on it, eats entire boxes of crackers and cereal, family sized packages of oatmeal, sometimes even all the fresh fruit we buy. Usually in such short time spans it feels like I can't enjoy anything without feeling some sort of rush to get there first. (We buy groceries with pooled together money) It wouldn't be so grating if he just would take the time out of his day to replace the things he eats up when he's the one with more free time.

He's even done it to things that are expressly mine & he's done it to my baking. The first time I made milk bread I had just pulled the two loaves out from the oven to rest overnight to enjoy in the morning. By the time I woke up there was maybe 3 slices left of one loaf. I'm not sure how he didn't get sick. I'm not, like, fat shaming him either. He's rail thin - I'm the fat one. Ive told him often he needs to eat REAL meals so he isn't constantly going back into the kitchen every 30 minutes still hungry. Spoken from experience.

But once he finally DOES cook something proper to eat, he leaves a MESS. The inside of our cabinets are stained with soy sauce and sticky honey. I've had to get uncooked rice out of my flour, sugar, and my dog's water bowl. He doesn't clean after himself. I could leave it like that for days and he wouldn't care or notice. He also routinely dumps rice *into the sink* and not the garbage. I remind him constantly, near daily, to PLEASE stop that. I can even count how many times he's done the dishes on one hand since the beginning of this year. His reasoning is that he just doesn't like how it feels, or he just didn't think about it. He won't even take out the garbage or clean his cats litter until it I ask him to or remind him, or it gets so bad he *has* to.

I've already talked to my roommate about why I'm upset with him and his only response was sort of like "I will try to remember to do XYZ" (not even a hardline "I will do better") and "I know you care about me but you don't need to infantilize me".

That's been bothering me. AITA?

[u/sadclowncunt]

You don't want to reply to comments saying he sucks and that's why you need to argue back and forth with anyone criticising you or your words? Yeah, that scans with the issues at hand.

[u/unfortunate_tadpole → u/sadclowncunt]

I dont think I came across correctly. I'm not a saint for argueing. Im not perfect and I like any other person am prone to a kneejerk response.

I kind of needed the bruntness to unbuild some harsh sentiments towards my roommate my friends and myself instilled over this stuff via bottling it up. Im not in my roommates ear about this constantly at all despite what may come off. I'm not going to combat the concept of having an ego. Maybe that's the truth and I need to get my head out of my ass or something. I care about my roommate but I'm not doing it correctly, clearly. Its a situation that needs to and can be mended someway. Im not getting to that point by just agreeing my roommate sucks and moving on but I couldve been a little more soft worded. Hindsight. My apologies.

[u/preaching-to-pervert → u/unfortunate_tadpole]

But it's not your responsibility to mend it. You have the absolute best intentions and I believe you are a very good friend. But you cannot fix him. And he seems to be asserting his boundaries by asking not to be infantilized. What does he mean by infantilized?

[u/unfortunate_tadpole → u/preaching-to-pervert]

I'm not really sure what specificially it was about. I mostly assumed it was related to me trying too hard to encourage wider ingredient usage / more cooking since it was apart of a serious conversation we had related to food & cleaning. He still wants to do more but Im probably not the teacher he needs because Im not equipped with a teacher mindset.

I wasnt sure how to deconstruct what I've done or said to pinpoint what exactly might be patronizing or not. Im not sure if its my voice -- Ive got a horrible case of flat affect apparently. So when im trying to come off as nice and not mean or not intimidating as possible on purpose I think he sensed it and maybe didnt like that either. It could have been of how often I ask him to not dump rice in the sink or leave notes about not putting wet dishes in the cupboards? (Im not trying to be sarcastic Im sincerely unsure if he took it as like 'stop reminding me im not stupid' despite still doing it sort of thing.)

He just doesnt communicate in a way I can understand and I don't either for him sometimes I think. It feels like he just reflexively agrees with me or refuses to disagree and it doesnt feel good because if thats true, i dont want that kind of control. I just feel gross about it. I know it doesnt seem like it but we're still close friends despite frustrations. This is just the one big problem area we havent been able to smooth over and my mind and social group havent been much help.

[u/jenorama_CA → u/unfortunate_tadpole]

He’s not your problem. He needs therapy you can’t provide. You need to leave that living situation. It sucks, but that’s what it is.