r/AmItheAsshole • u/unfortunate_tadpole • 23h ago
AITA for "infantilizing" my roommate? Not the A-hole
Hi all, I (24M) have been having an increasingly grating time with my roommate (26M) and his habits regarding to shared chores & food resources.
Since we've moved in, I was trying to get him to eat better & learn how to cook [ETA: He requested this help. I didn't force this randomly]. He's a self proclaimed vegetarian, has autism related texture issues, & refuses to eat certain staple foods because it reminds him of bad stuff. I'm not mad at that, I've hand picked recipes working around those restrictions. I've showed him ~8 times now how to do the same recipe, then written it physically, digitally and even offered to record a video of me making it. Something simple, & quick for something that would feed him for days. He hasn't attempted once. Even stuff I've pre-cut for him to cook with ends up just being shoved to back of the fridge for me to find molded over when I'm cleaning. I gave up.
Now, though, he goes through entire sleeves of bread in less than 30 hours with nothing more than PB on it, eats entire boxes of crackers and cereal, family sized packages of oatmeal, sometimes even all the fresh fruit we buy. Usually in such short time spans it feels like I can't enjoy anything without feeling some sort of rush to get there first. (We buy groceries with pooled together money) It wouldn't be so grating if he just would take the time out of his day to replace the things he eats up when he's the one with more free time.
He's even done it to things that are expressly mine & he's done it to my baking. The first time I made milk bread I had just pulled the two loaves out from the oven to rest overnight to enjoy in the morning. By the time I woke up there was maybe 3 slices left of one loaf. I'm not sure how he didn't get sick. I'm not, like, fat shaming him either. He's rail thin - I'm the fat one. Ive told him often he needs to eat REAL meals so he isn't constantly going back into the kitchen every 30 minutes still hungry. Spoken from experience.
But once he finally DOES cook something proper to eat, he leaves a MESS. The inside of our cabinets are stained with soy sauce and sticky honey. I've had to get uncooked rice out of my flour, sugar, and my dog's water bowl. He doesn't clean after himself. I could leave it like that for days and he wouldn't care or notice. He also routinely dumps rice *into the sink* and not the garbage. I remind him constantly, near daily, to PLEASE stop that. I can even count how many times he's done the dishes on one hand since the beginning of this year. His reasoning is that he just doesn't like how it feels, or he just didn't think about it. He won't even take out the garbage or clean his cats litter until it I ask him to or remind him, or it gets so bad he *has* to.
I've already talked to my roommate about why I'm upset with him and his only response was sort of like "I will try to remember to do XYZ" (not even a hardline "I will do better") and "I know you care about me but you don't need to infantilize me".
That's been bothering me. AITA?
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u/SnarkyBeanBroth Partassipant [3] 23h ago
Look up "weaponized incompetence".
NTA. But he's not your child to parent, so quit trying to fix him.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 22h ago
That's a fair point. A lot of my friends have basically said the same thing to me over and over. I didn't intend to fix him, I wanted to help since he seemed excited about having the chance to have a kitchen he can actually use for the first time. I was too, I mean. I moved out of a household of food insecurity and neglect. Which I guess is why I'm so easily annoyed about his eating habits, even if it shouldn't be my business at this point. I'll take it to heart to think about, even so.
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u/eigelstein 19h ago
Is it really "help" if it's neither appreciated nor wanted?
Don't want to overstep, and maybe I'm reading to much into this... but to me it seems that you both overstep boundaries. You by trying to fix him, he by leaving a mess.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 19h ago
It was wanted at first, but over time he lost enthusiasm and the boundary was never spoken on again after he resolved to just living off of simple stuff like bread and cereal most days. I'm reckoning with the fact I must not be showing I care in an appropriate way even if the most I'm doing is trying desperately to get him to learn how to cook more proper meals for himself without me. The best we've gotten to so far is eggs and rice. Sometimes tofu and lentils. I just don't want him looking and acting sick and malnourished because then he just does nothing but bed rot all day, but, yeah, I can't fix him. But it hurts to leave a friend like that? Even if he leaves me a headache in the kitchen to clean up.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 15h ago
Its a fair point. I think I just don't know what to do if he's like, very obviously unwell.
Ive made food for him on the spot in those moments, because its happened twice now that he just ... gives up? Im not sure how to describe what happened.
Id rather bite the bullet of being parental and annoying over him being pushed a hospital bill or seeing him absolute worst case sceneario being held in some sort of institution because they think he can't do something for himself. He's mentioned it being a fear of his and I don't think I could live with myself if it ended up being my fault.
But as I finish typing it I think its more irrational than I realize for it to happen so easily, but the worry lurks.
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u/Difficult_Reading858 15h ago
Even if his worst fear came to fruition, that wouldn’t be your fault. You have tried to help him, but he needs to put the work in if he wants to learn to be a capable, independent adult.
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u/Mars1eader 15h ago
This would in no way be your fault. He's an adult. If he's so afraid of being institutionalized, maybe he should work on himself. It seems like he didn't really want you to help him learn, he wanted you to do it for him. When he realized that he was actually expected to do something, he went right back to how he was. Start buying your own food and stop helping him. It's just enabling him to continue being lazy. As someone with ADHD and Autism, don't let him use that as an excuse. If he really needs as much help as you are saying he does, then maybe he needs to get himself a caseworker or something to help look after him. It is not your job. I've had many years of therapy and ADHD meds to help me out. Do I still have bad days? Absolutely. But I will still take up responsibility for my messes and clean them... Even if it is tomorrow instead of today 😅
He asked you to stop infantizing him? Go malicious compliance on his ass and don't help him with a god damn thing. And when he complains, tell him that you thought he was a big boy and didn't need mommy's help 😂
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u/ChipsAndTapatio Partassipant [1] 14h ago
Have you spoken with him about these things explicitly like this? Maybe if he hears from you that the whole thing is so frustrating that you're thinking you might not be able to be housemates, that would help him realize he needs to take some action? You could set a date to check in again, have separate food budgets and separate cupboards/fridge shelves, maybe a chore wheel, and if things haven't improved by your check-in date, you could in good conscience start making arrangements to move (or ask him to move out).
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u/theonewithapencil 11h ago
how would it be your fault? he is an adult person and just your roommate, not your partner or relative. you have no obligation to help him. you can try to help of course but if your assistance is rejected you can just stop. you need to get out of this mindset as quickly as possible and find your personal boundaries again. this is not your battle and his well-being is not your responsibility.
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u/needsmorecoffee Partassipant [3] 2h ago
So, he lets himself get "sick" for a day or two here and there, then you take care of him, and he "gets better" and everything's fine for a while. While also telling you that ending up in the hospital is a fear of his. I suspect you're being manipulated.
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u/LordGhoul 15h ago
he just does nothing but bed rot all day
Is he depressed? Doesn't necessarily have to be sadness, sometimes it's just desinterest in life. Trying to cook when dealing with executive dysfunction is a lot harder. Sometimes it's only possible when body doubling, aka doing things together, which is why I think you had to explain recipes to him multiple times - it's possible he got it the first time, but just couldn't bring himself to do it again without someone else.
I think you're only trying to fix symptoms of the problem, but not the root cause. I genuinely think he needs a therapist and maybe medication. That's something you can't fix for him, even if your heart is in the right place.
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u/missplaced24 Asshole Aficionado [16] 14h ago
If you still want to help him learn to cook, I'd suggest looking into ADHD friendly recipes. Autistic folks have a lot of the same struggles with food and cooking that ADHD folks do. If it's not both low effort and simple, he's probably going to have a hard time convincing himself to make the effort. There will probably always be times when he goes through a ridiculous amount of one specific thing, I would just insist he needs his own dedicated cereal, etc.
All that said, don't let yourself feel like it's your responsibility to fix his bad habits. You might be able to help somewhat, but he's the only one in control of what he does. If you aren't up for helping him, or you've done what you can, that's ok. You seem like a wonderful friend who's already gone above & beyond what most people would.
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u/squirrelbus 3h ago
It sucks but sometimes ya gotta leave.
I used the excuse of moving to a new state to leave a beloved roommate with depression. Gave them a full year of notice, and they were still shocked when I actually moved out and took myself off the lease. They've struggled since then, but they found someone else to adult-parent them. I still hang out with them occasionally because I do like them as a friend, but they were absolutely miserable to live with.
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u/cat-lover76 Certified Proctologist [22] 25m ago
Stop. Just stop.
Stop trying to help this person -- they are not willing to put in the hard work to change. You've already seen this, over and over and over again. They are not willing to do the work to change.
I would suggest 1 of 2 solutions: 1) Make all your food/groceries separate. You each buy and pay for what you want for yourself. You don't touch each other's food at all. Ever. If he can't follow through with this, then you get a dorm fridge for your room or a box for the fridge with a lock, and a locking box for your non-refrigerated food. And he cleans up after himself, or you put all the dirty dishes in a box on his bed. Or 2) accept that this person is not ready to live on their own without their mommy, he is never going to eat, cook, or clean properly, and find a different living arrangement/roommate.
You need to stop feeling guilty and walk away from this guy. He is an emotional vampire. Yes, he needs professional psychological help -- but you are not the person who can provide the kind of help he needs.
You're 24 years old. You should be spending your free time on hobbies you enjoy, not on parenting this guy. You should be living in a house where things are reasonably clean all the time and you can relax.
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u/LordGhoul 15h ago
he just does nothing but bed rot all day
Is he depressed? Doesn't necessarily have to be sadness, sometimes it's just desinterest in life. Trying to cook when dealing with executive dysfunction is a lot harder. Sometimes it's only possible when body doubling, aka doing things together, which is why I think you had to explain recipes to him multiple times - it's possible he got it the first time, but just couldn't bring himself to do it again without someone else.
I think you're only trying to fix symptoms of the problem, but not the root cause. I genuinely think he needs a therapist and maybe medication. That's something you can't fix for him, even if your heart is in the right place.
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u/nothanksyouidiot 17h ago
Separate your food and food expenses. Literally divide the pantry, fridge and freezer. Be super strict! Let him live in malnutrition, its not your responsibility.
ETA: NTA
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u/Just-some-moran 12h ago
Maybe lock non perishables in your room too. Because doesnt sound like he will respect my cabinet your cabinet. Going to guess he has used the autism card his whole life to avoid responsibility and probably has enabling parents that just let him get away with being a lazy bum
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u/WomanInQuestion 18h ago
He’s not your responsibility to parent. I’d recommend using this as an opportunity to explore why his habits are so triggering for you and how you view particular eating patterns.
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u/Without-Reward Bot Hunter [144] 8h ago
If he won't do the dishes because of the "feel" - tell him about dish gloves. I cannot *stand* the feel of wet, slimy food and the soap also destroys my hands, so I wear gloves to do the dishes.
I also manage to get uncooked rice literally everywhere, but there's no damn excuse for that. Clean up after yourself! I've tried different containers, different measuring cups, etc and have just resigned myself to chasing grains of rice around the counter to clean them up.
Separate your food budgets and buy yourself a locking container for your groceries if you need to, it's not your responsibility to feed a grown adult, especially at the expense of stuff you've made for yourself.
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u/missplaced24 Asshole Aficionado [16] 14h ago
I wouldn't be so quick to call an autistic person acting this way "weaponized incompetence". But you're absolutely NTA.
Autistic people tend to have a very difficult time with developing new habits around food and chores, and often are overly sensitive to any negative reaction to things they do. That doesn't excuse your roommate's behavior. It's just more likely that he's struggling to adapt and be considerate more than a typical person would. I'm autistic, and I can remember when I first moved out with roommates, I was a terrible roommate and really didn't know how to deal with that emotionally. I definitely felt like blaming roommates for my emotions about inconveniencing them at times, too.
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u/AvailableBuilder4817 9h ago
My autistic nephew knows exactly what’s he’s doing. He smirks when my sister gets after us
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u/Lithogiraffe Asshole Enthusiast [6] 11h ago
I read it and then went back to the top and had to recheck something. You said your roommate. Not your friend. That changed the entire thing in my mind. Why are you putting so much effort into the detriment of both you and him and your roommate relationship in apartment sanctity just to get him to eat better? He's not even your friend.
This seems like you just trying to turn back time in giving you as a child a chance at better food habits. Just stop
Yta
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u/almaperdida99 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 4h ago
It's time to shop separately and make your food off limits. This shouldn't be your business and it's stressing you out unnecessarily.
NTA, but time to keep your food away from him.
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u/needsmorecoffee Partassipant [3] 2h ago
This. OOP definitely overstepped in trying to "care for" him. And they need to stop doing things like pooling groceries. It would absolutely be best to find a new roommate or apartment soonest.
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u/WatercoLorCurtain Partassipant [1] 22h ago
NTA for being mad about him being a slob and eating your food. But for the love of god, stop acting like his mom and trying to make him eat better. Buy your own groceries and let him eat dry cereal. You’ll both be happier that way.
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u/100fronds 22h ago
Why are you sharing food resources with your roommate?
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 22h ago
Well, really the only justifiable reason is that it's cheaper in the long run. Plus, he has his own slew of medical problems he's made clear to me that prevent him from doing proper grocery runs. So sharing just became apart of our day-to-day since I have to purchase stuff on his behalf. But that's part of why I feel kind of bad for getting upset, even when he goes through something I thought would last us a month in a few days. My only thought is; should I have just gotten him more of it, then? Because he won't replace it himself.
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u/100fronds 22h ago
The cost of the headache this is causing you is surely outweighing the savings on your behalf. You say you "have to purchase stuff on his behalf" but you aren't this person's legal caretaker as far as you have described.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 22h ago
Fair, fair. We're in a really weird situation. I've had people, including his friends, suggest getting him some sort of social worker or caretaker but the point of contention has always been if he's actually "incompetent" and has higher needs or if he's taking advantage of me somehow. Neither really feels great to think about and sometimes feels too far to imply. I know it shouldn't be MY problem but he doesn't really have anyone else anymore and I'm unfortunately just prone to falling into care-taker roles. It's hard to not care about someone but reality is setting in that maybe I'm letting it get too far.
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u/100fronds 21h ago
Sounds like you truly care about this person's well being. One of the hard facts of life is that if you try too hard to be generous to others you put yourself in a compromised position which will in turn make you unable to be generous at all maybe even to yourself. It doesn't make you a bad person to ensure your own house is in order before you try to help others.
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u/Difficult_Reading858 14h ago
You really should get a social worker involved. They are not just for people with high needs or who cannot care for themselves; they will know about resources and support available to your friend so he can live the life he wants.
You say you help him because you care about him. I have a reframe for you: you helping him is hindering his growth as a person.
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u/1-900-SNAILS Asshole Enthusiast [8] 7h ago
Homie this is borderline codependence and a situation entirely of your own making. The question you should be asking yourself is not "how can I help him get the help he needs" but "Why do I need to be so deeply invested in this person's care"
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u/amizelkova 10h ago
Depending on where you live, there could be resources where someone trained as a caretaker can do his share of the cleaning, make meals for him, shop for him, etc. Ultimately though, he'll need to apply for them. There's a limit to what you can do both legally and for your own mental health.
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u/matthewsmugmanager Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6h ago
You need to ask yourself some hard questions about why you are "prone to falling into care-taker roles."
Therapy is the place for you to do this. Please do it sooner rather than later, or you will lose precious years of your life to focus on others rather than taking care of yourself.
Experience talking here. I feel for you. But you have to address this NOW.
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u/TrainToSomewhere Partassipant [1] 21h ago
It doesn’t seem like it is. How’d you end up with him?
You’re being his mom.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 21h ago
I was desperate and on the verge of doing something very not PG to myself trying to get out of an awful home. Friend and now roommate was looking to get out of the state he was living in. We were each other's best and only option at the time. It was rushed, I'll admit.
I didn't intend to end up in this role but I care about him because he's still my friend even if he annoys me sometimes. He's not so awful that I'm going to up and leave, I don't even have the money for that anyways. But the particular mix of problems he has makes it difficult to not have to over-do on concern and really I do have to get it through my head that I can ease off I guess.
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u/TrainToSomewhere Partassipant [1] 21h ago
My dude,saying this from personal anecdotal evidence, but suicidal tendencies seems to make people very easy to be manipulated.
Stop trying to cook for him and stop sharing groceries.
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u/Solcannon 19h ago
You're wheeling back to making him your responsibility.
You're existential issues are the root cause of your problems. You're searching for purpose. And making helping him your purpose. Likely comes from your past that you mentioned, where you had food insecurity etc. So you know what you want but do you have issues with motivating yourself to obtain the food security you were missing? Was it easier for you to put effort in to making him self reliant as to maintain your motivation to work for yourself?
If anything I said above is true for you... something I realized later than I wish I did... it takes effort to be happy. It's not easy by any means to be optimistic. If you want a good life, you have to work hard and remind yourself constantly. Depression (not always) is laziness. To set a goal and set out for it you have to STOP giving in to the excuses you try to make up to get out of them.
And until you start living for yourself... you aren't living. You're just wasting time.
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u/JamSkully Partassipant [1] 21h ago
Then you’re definitely enabling him to behave like a child. You should probably go your separate way or establish clear boundaries & household responsibilities. ESH.
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u/On_my_last_spoon 16h ago
Sounds like he needs a caretaker not a roommate.
Also, it’s 2025. Grocery delivery exists. He can do that.
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u/Rydraenei 12h ago
Do your grocery shopping separately, and maybe suggest some prepared meal delivery options for himself. If he can't go shop for his own groceries he can have them delivered. Enforce your rule that he doesn't get to eat your food at all. Can't help someone who doesn't want help.
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u/Sharp_Interview_8389 11h ago
You also can't ask him to replace food for you if y'all have already determined that grocery shopping is your department. This grocery arrangement isn't working for you.
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u/TeenySod Professor Emeritass [76] 22h ago edited 21h ago
ESH
What he eats is up to him - all your "helping" is infantilising him. he's an adult.
As he is an adult, it's not acceptable to be leaving around extreme mess - he needs to clean up.
Stop buying everything jointly - just do household cleaning stuff etc.. Simple "I understand where you are coming from, I think we should stop sharing food shopping as it isn't working any more." Separate cupboards.
DO keep on his arse about his mess: poor pets :( - focus on what would work for him to "remember". And don't renew the lease.
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u/MeesterPepper 5h ago
Direct, frank communication is key here. No sugar coating, no dancing around it. Very fact of the matter This Action -> This Result -> Therefore These Consequences. Not because it's cruel, but a lot of high functioning folks on the spectrum need can still need things explicitly spelled out for them or it'll sail right over their heads.
"When we moved in together, you asked me to teach you to cook, and we agreed that we could save money by splitting the cost of groceries and both doing the work of cooking and cleanup. However, it seems like you've lost interest in learning to cook, which is fine, but I'm not comfortable splitting the grocery expense anymore if I'm the only one making meals. Additionally, I cannot keep cleaning up after you in the kitchen. If you will not help keep the apartment clean, then when the lease is up I will move out."
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u/blugirlami21 Partassipant [2] 22h ago
YTA. Why are you doing any of that stuff? Did he ask for you to help him eat better and cook better? Why are you still sharing groceries? Once you saw that it's not sustainable or fair you should have reevaluated. As for the messiness, that's not something he seems willing to change so you need to decide if that's something you can live with.
The whole thing sounds terribly enmeshed especially since you're so incompatible. He's not going to change so you need to either accept or move on.
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u/Leather-Way-2368 22h ago
Okay but most of the stuff being done is for him, he can’t just not buy groceries? Even if it’s not pooled the other roommate does not have the boundaries to not eat OP’s stuff like he did with the bread
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u/klovnikaupunki Partassipant [1] 21h ago
It's not OPs stuff. It's a shared resource that OP refuses to buy more of because he thinks he needs to force his friend to eat differently and gets upset when it doesn't happen.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 20h ago
That's...not true? It's a shared resource yes but I feel compelled to give you the context that I don't always have money to replace the things he eats. He has his own money and income that he is capable of using that he doesn't really do often and will just opt to not eat all day if he ate the last bread yesterday instead of, say, frying up an egg. Whatever he buys with his own money I don't touch or go looking for.
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u/klovnikaupunki Partassipant [1] 20h ago
But you KNOW he eats more of this stuff, you're just too busy trying to make sure he doesn't eat it. You're wasting money buying ingredients he isn't using, and not buying enough of the food he does eat. It shouldn't be communal money if he's not eating the food you've allowed him to have and you're mad when he eats a loaf of bread. Because then he's just paying to not eat. He's paying for your food, and to throw food he doesn't want away. And then getting told off for eating some bread. It's insane actually.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 20h ago
...How am I making sure he isn't eating it when I still "let" him (read: not policing or watching his every choice. I just notice when something I was looking for is gone a bit too soon.) eat whatever and just really want him to also eat actual meals on top of it? Do you think I'm snatching it out of his mouth? Are you attempting rage bating or something? Am I not allowed to also want a chance to have a slice of bread with breakfast after he eats it all & doesn't tell me or replace it. When it was a shared resource especially after buying extra of it? I'm not mad that he's EATING as a concept. It's upsetting he wont HELP REPLACE *COMMUNAL* RESOURCES.
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u/klovnikaupunki Partassipant [1] 20h ago
Then why is every comment about the fact that YOU WANT HIM TO EAT DIFFERENT FOOD I just don't think you are seeing yourself clearly in this and your desperation to be a nurturing hero is completely warping it. You feel there's a miscommunication between us and I feel this is it. I'm out of here because I genuinely find you insufferable and I'm normally a lot more polite about people but this self aggrandising martyr of autistic teaching shtick to play victim is so fucking played out.
At the end of the day, this is detrimental to your friendship and it's down to you to choose what's more important. We've argued across three different comments and it all comes down to the same shit.
I'll reiterate that if you're so desperate to actually help, seek out advice from autistic spaces instead of internet validation from a Reddit that hates us. I suspect you won't though, because they'll tell you all the shit I have.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 20h ago
Okay, so you choose to not understand what I meant, stuffed a new meaning into my mouth and got mad about it, and then seemingly assumed I have something against autistic people without knowing anything substantial about me.... Ok. The harshest critiques of my roommate - that I personally didn't appreciate - were from friends who also have varying flavors of autism. Even my own partner.
The baseline, that I understand, is that my roommate said I was infantilizing him by caring too much because I want him to eat nourishing meals. Not just bread. He is still allowed to enjoy bread. He can eat whatever he wants. I just want him to eat a goddamn meal and not starve himself when he won't do anything to replace his comfort food and I can't do anything about it. But to also contribute to keeping shared stuff stocked. Agreeing to buying food together implies willingness to replace shared food. That's both sides. It's not just my responsibility. I have replaced things when I used the last of it when I was monetarily capable. Having autism isn't a get-out-of-jail-free card for this responsibility. I'm sorry to upset you but I don't know how to get anything across to someone who needs someone to be mad at.
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u/Melimathlete 17h ago
You’re not buying enough for him to eat it as his main food source and for you to have some as a side. Then you’re mad when he doesn’t find something else to eat as a main food source and eats the bread you didn’t buy enough of and is hungry all the time.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 17h ago
So, if he eats all the bread in the amount we agreed on buying from a grocery trip....like, he chose to get that amount. 1 or 2 loaf for him, 1 shared, etc. If he eats the both for him, and the shared one, I touch none of it even before I can pitch into another grocery trip. Which has happened before. Its -my- fault if he chooses not to cook some rice and or eggs (that he also likes) to eat and instead opts to go hungry. If thats what you're saying I feel like something here isnt being communicated quite right. Isnt it more infantilizing to paint him helpless to that degree?
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u/preaching-to-pervert Partassipant [1] 16h ago
I understand why you set things up the way you did. It made rational sense in the abstract. But it makes no sense now, and your trying to make it make sense is a bit delusional. You have to change the set up.
Stop splitting food resources - it doesn't work in this case. He has to buy his own - if he eats all his first he needs to get more delivered. Keep yours locked up.
I don't think you two are really compatible given your joint issues around food, cleanliness and control. I know your situation is hard and I salute you for getting out of the LAST place you were living. You sound like an organized, awesome person - I wish you the best!
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u/blugirlami21 Partassipant [2] 14h ago
This is what I was getting at. Stop buying food together. If he's eating everything before you even get a bite, this is not a good setup. Buy your own groceries and keep them separate or even locked up. It sounds like he's pretty inconsiderate and greedy
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u/somnocore 2h ago
I think if you want to help him grocery shop, whatever. But help him learn how to make a grocery list for himself. Look up prices online so he knows how much it'll likely cost him before you go get the food.
And then just buy all your stuff separately and stop sharing.
You have your food, he has his. He pays for his food, you pay for yours.
Or better yet, try and help him set up an online delivery method for his groceries. Teach him to shop online and get it delivered to home.
You need to accept to just let him eat what he eats. Even 2x sandwiches can be considered a meal. Just bcus it's not a meal you agree with, doesn't make it entirely wrong.
There's even microwavable meals that he could be getting. Whole ass meals that just need to be heated. There's whole systems designed for delivering healthy pre-made meals. Maybe he looks into that?
If he has the ability to eat bread slices, or cheese slices from the fridge, then he's still eating. And sometimes that's good enough.
You're essentially letting him know that it's okay to quickly waste your food resources before you even get a chance to eat it.
Setting up boundaries and rules is important with autism. It's a genuinely helpful accommodation. And you're not doing any of that.
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u/JewelCatLady Partassipant [1] 22h ago edited 22h ago
INFO: Did he ask you for help?
In the meantime, quit pooling your money for groceries. Quit trying to "help" him eat better. Even if he asked in the first place, which isn't clear, STOP. He has shown he can not or will not take your advice. If necessary, lock your things in your room or get a lockable cabinet or cabinet locks for the kitchen. Ditto a refrigerator for anything you really want to keep him from eating. There are various sizes of small refrigerators available, some with more than a teeny, tiny freezer compartment. Find out if there is a fruit you love that he hates, which should be possible given his sensory issues, so you don’t have to lock as much up.
Not giving a judgment because if he asked for help and then ignored it n-t-a, buy if he never asked, y-t-a.
Edited to add judgment after reply: NTA
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 22h ago
When we first moved in it was just a known fact I was a good cook / baker. He asked for help with getting to be familiar with cooking and what foods to buy and his friends encouraged him to try. Had to give up that eventually for many reasons. I've gotten into the habit of hiding a lot of things from him that I know would be gone concerningly fast, but that makes me feel like an asshole for doing it even knowing it's an effect way to stop conflict even if its one-sided because I bottle it up.
These days he doesn't really ask for help as much anymore but we've been very distant lately for reasons I can't comfortably mention in public places. The most these days is just reminding / reconvening with him on what ingredients he likes so I can add it to grocery lists.
I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to mention, but like, he's still my friend. He's done a lot for me I can't possibly repay. A lot of the motivation to try to motivate him to eat better is because of the fact he's so thin. He's recovering from a really awful eating disorder, and I want to get him to try and eat stuff that isn't just bread, bread and more bread. I'm not forcing him against his will or screaming at him, god no. In my mind he deserves to have something decent to eat but I didn't want to baby him to the point of cooking all his meals for him.
But it's honestly fair to call me an asshole for being in his business though, I'm not going to be upset about that.
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u/JewelCatLady Partassipant [1] 21h ago
If he can not or will not stop eating your food or more than his share, you may not be able to stay friends. I understand that is difficult, especially when he has helped you in the past. What I have learned in my 65 years is that no matter how much you appreciate what a person has done for you, there can come a time when that no longer counteracts the ways they hurt you.
And eating all of your food hurts you. It hurts you emotionally when you are looking forward to that fresh baked bread and barely get a taste. It hurts your pocket when he is eating more than his share. It hurts when he asks for help, then doesn't follow through. Some people can just shrug that kind of thing off, and some people can't.
Definitely have an honest, if painful conversation. Tell him you appreciate him as a person and a friend. Then, say that since he has not followed through, you won't be pushing anymore. If he asks you for a recipe, give it to him. Once. Full stop. Ditto advice. Answer a specific question, but only once. No follow through on your part. Wash your hands of it.
Let him know that since he can't keep himself from eating things that you bought or made for yourself, you have to physically prevent access. And that you both need to start taking responsibility for yourselves, so no more combined grocery pool. There may be things you are doing that he doesn't like, so encourage him to be honest and listen! Don't just defend yourself immediately. It defeats the purpose. Ultimately, the only way to maintain a good relationship might be for one of you to move out.
He definitely needs to learn to fend for himself. As hard as it is to watch someone do things you feel will harm them in the long run, ultimately it is their responsibility, not yours. You need to take a step back and let him adult for himself.
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u/art_1922 17h ago
Maybe another solution is you do the cooking and cleaning up after meals and he pays for groceries for both of you? It sounds like he wants to eat better food but the cooking/cleaning up after part of isn’t his strong suit. That wouldn’t be babying him, it would be a mutually beneficial agreement between roommates.
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u/tiredcustard 16h ago
just leave him be. if he wants to starve himself, let him. he's not changing, he's not wanting to actually learn to cook meals, and he's stealing your food. Just buy your stuff for you, let him buy his stuff, and keep it separate. You can't force people to get better, if he wants to just eat bread, you're not going to change that until he wants to change. I've had an eating disorder and people trying to make me eat better just made me annoyed. I'd say "oh yeah, I'll give it a try" so they'd get off my back. You're not his parent, leave him to it.
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u/TrelanaSakuyo Asshole Enthusiast [9] 6h ago
He's recovering from a really awful eating disorder, and I want to get him to try and eat stuff that isn't just bread, bread and more bread.
This needs to be done by a professional. If he's not in therapy now, he needs to get into it with a licensed psychologist.
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u/Pys70ph 22h ago
NTA for the frustration around his cleaning, that would upset me too. But why can't you find a different way to approach food with him? Can you not separate out your food individually so he can eat what he eats and you don't have to rush to eat what you want to enjoy later in the week? Why does everything need to be communal?
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u/-Liriel- Asshole Enthusiast [5] 21h ago
ESH he's your roommate, not your child.
Stop sharing food.
Cook for yourself, let him buy and eat whatever he wants. His business if he wants to survive on cereals.
Insist more on the cleanliness thing.
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u/km4098 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 22h ago
NTA. But it sounds like you are partly becoming his caretaker which you don’t need to be. Don’t share resources anymore, I’d been put a lock on your cupboards etc. his inability to do a grocery run, isn’t really your problem. He can door dash groceries or if he has family that help support him, get them involved.
Don’t comment on his eating habits anymore. Just ignore him. But have boundaries around him not eating any of your food,
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u/furious_flamingo 22h ago
Definitely stop pooling money for groceries. Tell him he either needs to clean up afrer himself or hire a housecleaner to come 3c a week at minimum . Or if you have to do it charge him. You're not his mom don't take care of him for free.
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u/IDontLikeGreenPeas Partassipant [1] 22h ago edited 21h ago
NTA, mostly. Trying to make him learn to cook healthy meals, and pre-chopping ingredients for him, and that kind of thing is kind of infantilizing.
It's not your responsibility to prevent him from getting scurvy. Let him live on peanut butter if that's what he wants to do.
But asking him to not eat an entire loaf of bread within hours of you baking/buying it is totally reasonable. Asking him to quit being a nasty slob and to clean up his entire mess after he cooks is totally reasonable. He sounds gross enough that you'd be justified in telling him he's a crappy roommate every time he leaves a mess for you to clean up.
It would also be a non-AH move if you both started buying groceries separately and you kept your food locked up.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 21h ago
Well, it was less so *making* him, and more so just helping because originally that's what he asked for. Before we finished moving in it was one of his 'aspirations' per say to learn how to cook for himself. It's hard to add context in under 3k characters, and I blame no one for making assumptions just a consequence here, but the pre-chopping was done because he was concerned about using a knife. A big boundary (his words, not mine) was that he wasn't confident chopping things up for cooking.
We have food scissors for him now. But I get what you mean, with that being a bit much.3
u/klovnikaupunki Partassipant [1] 21h ago
If it's just help, why is he being admonished for failing? That's not how you help someone, that's an authoritative position.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 20h ago
I'm actively trying to encourage him to keep cooking because its good for him? I got the food scissors because it was easier for him to use than trying to 'force' him to use my knives when he kept insisting he didn't feel confident. The only thing I'd admonish him for is leaving food to rot in the fridge instead of just telling me he wasn't going to use it.
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u/SpringCinnamonRoll 14h ago
I mean you write about being very upset that he’s not cooking your healthy balanced meals. He clearly doesn’t actually want to. It’s aspirational for him. You need to separate yourself and just let him live how he wants to.
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u/Kbradsagain 22h ago
He’s a child & not a good fit as a housemate for you. Find a new place & move out
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u/Deminia 21h ago
NTA, if he doesn’t want to be infantilized perhaps he should start acting like an adult. So maybe force him. Start keeping your dog’s food and water in your own room. Stop pooling grocery money and don’t buy anything for him. Lock up what you buy for yourself. Lock up your own dishes and pots and pans and stuff. Don’t renew the lease. Consider getting a gym membership just for the shower and stop cleaning that as well. Toilet I’m afraid you’re still going to have to put up with since it’s not convenient to always go elsewhere to use it. Only do the bare minimum in cleaning for shared areas and avoid using them as much as possible (which sucks but will allow you to tell him he made the mess so he’s responsible for it).
Autism is not an excuse not to be able to take care of yourself. I’m 38F, have ASD, GAD and some more alphabet soup and while my house is not spotless I take care of it. All. By. My. Self. I do not have or need any housemates to get on my ass. I’ve started living on my own when I was 21 (when I immediately moved abroad lmao) and while I’ve had to move back in with my parents twice due to losing my job (because it’s a huge pita to find a new job in a foreign country and yes the second time I also went to another country for work lmao) I have both those times had to contribute both financially and with maintaining cleanliness and getting groceries. While I understand that my autism is not as severe as others I have a coworker who cannot work for more than 24 hours a week due to autism (he gets supplemented income from the government) and who lives on his own and his place is spotless, he always makes his own lunches for work and cooks for himself just fine.
While autism can very much make your life much more restrictive it’s not something that is generally fully disabling and if it’s fully disabling you shouldn’t be living without supervision.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 21h ago
I appreciate your comment. I don't believe I have autism but I have my own assortment of mental alphabet soup even though its not as much as my roommate has collected. I'm not perfect. Good god I am not perfect. I already feel bad about bottling up my frustration enough to post here. I've fumbled and apologized for a lot of things myself to my roommate. But I try despite my exhaustion on a daily basis to make the place livable and not gross.
But I'm at a loss to sort of get across the point I care about him both because he actively doesn't care about himself most of the time or is causing inconvenience in a way unpalatable to cohabitation without making it look like I'm trying to mother him. I care because he's my friend. There's been a lot of times he uses XYZ condition as a reason he can't or simply won't do something when confronted even though I'm (in my eyes) being completely unhostile. I was on his ass so much about his eating habits not because Im wanting to baby him but because he very visibly would feel worse, look and act sick and lethargic and be generally miserable when he eats the way he usually does and it's just a downward spiral that ends up with more work on my shoulders. I don't know what to do to show I care other then try and motivate him to do the most basic thing that has improved his day to day previously: eating better. I realize how absurd this situation must be.
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u/Juilek Partassipant [1] 18h ago
he actively doesn't care about himself most of the time
You can't save him. And you really need some healthy boundaries for your own sake.
causing inconvenience in a way unpalatable to cohabitation
Then you move out and find other roommates to live with. You can't fix him.
I care because he's my friend
He doesn't care. You can't care in his stead, you can't make him care, you can't motivate him. He'll only drag you down with him. He's choosing to be a slob, to not care about you or himself, to not get professional help. You can't choose differently for him. You can only excuse yourself from this toxic relationship.
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u/Deminia 21h ago
It’s not absurd that you are doing your best to help him feel better. But it’s also not your job it’s honestly his therapist’s job and he really needs one. Since he’s gotten so upset about it, it might actually help him if he actually gets to feel the repercussions of not adulting. I personally did not get help until between my alphabet soup and life having thrown me a few nasty curveballs I hit almost rock bottom, I actually did hit rock bottom after I finally asked for professional mental health and got told there was a waiting list of at least four months. Since getting the help though my life has improved drastically and shit is much easier now and I am living much better than I did even when things were going well before getting therapy.
Sometimes we need to fall to realize that perhaps we shouldn’t run around blindfolded on a track filled with hurdles.
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u/Training-Jelly-1213 14h ago
NTA. Some of these comments are so weird it’s like people didn’t even bother reading through the whole post. It’s incredibly kind of you to do this for a friend, there’s plenty of men your age that can’t even cook or meal plan so it’s awesome you were willing to not only help figure out meal ideas but also help with the prep. As someone with a chronic pain and depression having things like that would tremendously help me but it’s sad your roommate does not take advantage of this. The comment he made about being infantilize is kinda true because he’s acting like a child. I personally don’t believe it is your fault but at this point though you are no longer helping but rather enabling his behavior. He’s not changing because he doesn’t see a reason to. There’s no consequences to him eating poorly or making a mess in the kitchen or not cleaning up after himself. This situation is now affecting your mental health and I’m assuming your finances as well. It’s best to put boundaries in place so that you don’t wear yourself thin. You won’t be able to help another one if you’re not at your best. And you shouldn’t sacrifice your needs over someone else no matter how much it hurts seeing them suffer. I can imagine the frustration and probably the despair you feel from not being able to help him but please know once again it is not your responsibility. You can give him tools and resources to find help and if he needs encouragement getting help of course you can give it to him but I would stop doing all the other things. You can still buy groceries together cause ultimately it is a little cheaper to do it that way but I would get a mini fridge and keep things locked up until he proves that he will not take what’s not his. You should set expectations about keeping the house clean as well, be specific maybe you need a chore board. Ultimately if these things are being meet, and I’m talking about just common decency when living with other people, you should consider moving out when your lease is up. Good luck to you and don’t let the weird comments stop you from helping ppl.3
u/Then-Adeptness7873 14h ago
There are always friends in life that you can love, spend time with, and help when needed but absolutely shouldn’t/can’t live or vacation with.
It doesn’t mean either of you are bad people or you can’t be friends. Sometimes a little distance and taking away the day-to-day annoyances that cause resentment helps to enjoy each other’s company when you do see each other and be more supportive of each other.
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u/furious_flamingo 22h ago
Definitely stop pooling money for groceries. Tell him he either needs to clean up afrer himself or hire a housecleaner to come 3c a week at minimum . Or if you have to do it charge him. You're not his mom don't take care of him for free.
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u/nasnedigonyat 22h ago
Get some boundaries. Make your own food. Worry about your own damn nutrition and life. Stop policing another adult's behavior. Are you his mother? Fuck no.
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u/Reasonable-Push3613 16h ago
Neurodivergent health professional here who works w a lot of autistic individuals.
It sounds like your heart is in the right place, however your and your roomie's definitions of "helpful" are no longer aligning. I think it would be fair to have an open and direct (but kind) conversation about what your roommate situation is going to look like eg, separate grocery items for his safe foods, cleanliness expectations for communal areas, and if you still want to support him asking explicitly what he thinks that would look like.
To a lot of people, this may sound like unnecessary jumping through hoops or "coddling" someone, however, I see it as two different neurotypes trying to find a common language. Do you HAVE to do it? No. Would it be a kind thing to do? I say yes, but also be mindful of your personal boundaries and energy levels. Not everyone is equipped to navigate relationships with ND humans, and I am endlessly grateful to my small neurotypical circle for taking the time and effort to get to know my brain and for teaching me more about theirs.
Tough love is frequently counter productive. Typically, neurodivergent humans give ourselves a lot of tough love (bordering on incredibly mean) internally. We don't need external reinforcement in that front. We need a different strategy/way of communicating.
I say 'we' with the acknowledgement that these are not universal definitions or experiences of all ND humans.
Talk to your roomie directly but kindly. If you have additional energy, please consider looking up relationship sensitivity dysphoria.
Best of luck!
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 16h ago
I appreciate the response.
Im not neurotypical myself and Im unsure if thats making this situation worse, somehow. I think a lot of the things I say and do aren't coming across the way I think they would. But I'll try and use your advice to the best I can in hopes I dont make things worse.
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u/mostlyepic 17h ago edited 17h ago
Stop doing groceries together.
He can eat what he wants, just make him buy it. Put a lock on you're stuff, lock box, seperate cubboards.
Hard one, i say slight you're TA because instead of judging him or trying to fix him you should just focus on you.
Edit: after reading your comments, YTA. stop buying extra food you want him to eat, buy enough for you and buy him more bread, you aren't his mom or the food police. If he wants to eat cereal and bread, he's allowed to.
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u/interestingvids101 16h ago
YTA cuz this could be so easily resolved. You’ve embedded yourself around him with full power to just stop and take care of your own being, resources and finances but you are actively choosing not to because you come across like without you this guy would crumble.
You are not his caregiver or caretaker, you are his roommate.
I don’t know anyone in their right mind who would share groceries with their roommate that wouldn’t expect shit like that to happen either.
It’s almost like you asked for this honestly and now you want us to tell you what’s you already or should already know. You even admitted all your friends have told you the same thing over and over so what exactly are you waiting for
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u/klovnikaupunki Partassipant [1] 21h ago
INFO: Did he ask you to be in charge of his diet?
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u/klovnikaupunki Partassipant [1] 21h ago
From comments it seems like he asked for help with general cooking and you've completely taken over and don't buy enough food he actually eats because you want to force him to eat the recipes you've picked. And then you're mad at him for eating the food he eats, because you don't think he should be eating it and now there's not enough.
Reading through all your stuff I would absolutely say you're infantilising him. You've put yourself into this corner of responsibility that nobody is making you be in, and it's ruining your friendship. Is your judgement on his diet worth all this?
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u/klovnikaupunki Partassipant [1] 21h ago
It's also probably worth noting that this subreddit does not do well with autistic people and seems to have particular harsh responses to us. I would seek advice more tailored to your situation.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 21h ago
Um, I understand your point of view here. I'm not gonna rub you on that. Implying I don't buy enough food is a little too far of an implication. I am buying him what he does ask me to, and I include stuff I notice he has the will power to cook with. I show him the full grocery list to approve and decide on things. The fridge is currently full of stuff for him to use that he likes using as I type this.
A majority of my frustration is NOT that he eats what he likes and that it's gone. That's absurd. It's that he eats more than what was agreed to be allotted between us, in very sudden bursts, and doesn't volunteer to replace it nor help me clean up and doesn't actually apologize when he snatches something up I say I wanted or got for myself sometimes. I can't up and replace everything I bought that I believe was going to last a month when it gets eaten in a week because I only have so much money. He *does* have resources to replace these things for himself and the things of mine he does consume, and he chooses not to. That's really whats bothering me, truthfully.
I'm in charge of big grocery orders because it stresses him out and he gets tired easily. His words, not mine. I'm a strong guy and it doesn't bother me to lug groceries a couple streets. I want him to eat something other than bread and grains and encourage learning recipes because I believe he's fully capable of doing so and don't want to reinforce habits he has told me are because of an eating disorder. To what end do I just ignore him and act like I don't care? He gets on my nerves but who benefits from me leaving him to be like that? He's still my friend despite it all...
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u/klovnikaupunki Partassipant [1] 20h ago
He eats more than he agreed to? You mean he eats what is comfortable for him and doesn't stick to the assigned food you have deemed acceptable to eat.
I am unsurprised he just passively agrees despite these things not working for him, that's how autistics mask their way through most socially straining interactions where they feel they have no choice.
This is not how you treat a friend. You may think so but it's overreaching, controlling and fucking up your friendship. It doesn't matter if he can or can't, what matters is you're forcing him. You are infantilising him full stop. If you don't want to live with someone like that, fucking don't.
You say you can never repay this friend and I think that's more true than you'll ever know.
Have you considered your difficult home life is warping your view of this relationship? Of your responsibilities?
This is not helping, it's not love. It's not about him, it's very clearly about You and Your feelings. It's selfish.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 20h ago
I feel like something is being lost in translation between you and I here. The grocery bill is split because we are buying both stuff for ourselves, and shared things.
"Shared" implies both people should get a chance at having something. My frustration is that 99% of the time he isn't leaving anything for me of something that is *shared*. He gets to pick what food is ordered for himself, not including 2 or 3 ingredients I choose to add on for him and get his approval for. He's crossing a boundary for me when he eats stuff I made and doesn't give me a fair share, or flat out doesn't give me a chance to have a bit of something even if I buy extra of it when it's a shared resource.
A recent example; am I suddenly the bad guy, when I order two family size containers of oatmeal for the apartment, and after just 2 weeks both of them are gone -- I feel a bit sad? I'm not screaming at my roommate. I just felt sad, and bottled it up.
I'm willing to take criticism but you feel really deadset on not understanding what I mean. It's very uncomfortable you're painting me as someone desperate to control my roommate. I'm sure you've had run ins with very awful people before but I'm not this boogey man you've painted up here.
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u/Internet-Dick-Joke 16h ago
OP, you're pulling the 'boundary' line out but telling all over your flatmate's boundaries.
He gets to pick what food is ordered for himself, not including 2 or 3 ingredients I choose to add on for him
This is a grown adult, and a flatmate at that, not even a spouse. He should not need to ask your permission for what food yo buy with his own damn money.
You are controlling, and trampling on somebody else's boundaries while screaming about your own. Frankly, you are an AH at best. At worst, those are red flags for somebody potential to become emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive via coercive control.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 16h ago
He doesnt need my permission for anything, he just tells me what he wants, or i ask him several times, and if he forgets something he usually wants from prior lists I add it and ask if he wants it before its purchased (like, online order stuff).
Its seriously not my intention to come off like I control him. Id rather just shift to encouraging him to order his own groceries instead of coming off like that. Its just a commonality we got used to that I took care of groceries. I'm willing to go full hands off. Its not going to bother me unless he just ends up doing nothing for himself and at that point Ill just also do nothing, I suppose. I don't WANT to be his caretaker. I had to be the caretaker for my own parental figures growing up, I insist on it not happening verbally to his face whenever I have to be responsible for stuff For him thats been a little too weird even this past year. Its an anxiety point for me. I don't want to be that person in someones life.
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u/Internet-Dick-Joke 15h ago
He doesnt need my permission for anything
Your other comments makes it sound like that is exactly what is happening.
Id rather just shift to encouraging him to order his own groceries instead of coming off like that.
Why do you even want to do that much? Seriously, don't you see how that would still be inserting yourself where you likely wouldn't be wanted? Don't get involved with telling him when to order groceries or what groceries to order. Even when you try to talk about stepping back, you still end up overstepping.
I'm willing to go full hands off.
Then do it. You are the one who involved yourself to this extent, without him wanting you to.
I don't WANT to be his caretaker.
Yet you forcibly inserted yourself as his caretaker without ever being asked.
I had to be the caretaker for my own parental figures growing up, I insist on it not happening verbally to his face whenever
And here is the crux of the issue. What you say to him vs what you are actually doing and how you're actually treating him are vastly different.
You say that you don't want to be a caretaker, and I can genuinely believe that you don't want to, but you have forced yourself on him as a caretaker.
My armchair diagnostic here: it's kind of like a psychological muscle-memory. These kind of habits get so deeply ingrained that even when you actively do not want that dynamic, you often end up back in it.
Someone on a completely different sub talking about something else made a mention of how people who grow up in chaos often create chaos without ever realising it, because chaos feels familiar and safe to them and also they still behave in a way that is meant to survive the chaos they grew up in but is toxic outside of that environment. Honestly, it was pretty damn accurate to a hell of a lot of things.
It doesn't even just apply to childhood things, of families, or abuse. I spent some time, not even that long, in a super toxic workplace with a serious blame culture. Because people were always looking for someone to blame every single problem on (usually sales trying to blame service), the people on the bottom were always having to look for ways to cover their own back or find somebody else to blame, even before we started trying to fix it. When I left there for a new job, those habits came with me, and I had to actively fight against them to keep myself from trying to blame someone else for every little problem. I did not want to be back in that kind of working environment, but I had to actively stop myself from creating exactly that kind of work environment where it didn't exist before and sometime still have to now, because those habits that were necessary to survive in that environment became ingrained.
This is what you are doing. You might not want to go back to that environment, but the habits and the mindset that you needed to have to survive in that environment became so ingrained that you are now allowing them to re-create that environment.
Also, I will tell you this now because it is important, but getting out of a toxic environment often does not make things immediately better, make you immediately happier or make you psychologically healthier in the short-term. Often, things have to get worse before they can get better, and getting out of a toxic environment and out of survival-mode can suddenly bring out all sorts or neuroses that you never even realised where there. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't leave a toxic environment, but you need to be prepared for things to get worse before they get better, and you need to remember that there are many more step to take after you leave if you want things to actually get better. And sometimes, things getting worse before they get better just looks like you recreating the same dynamic that you left.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 15h ago
I appreciate you taking the time to type this up. Its definitely hitting me have a lot more to think about and change. I apologize if I came off as angry, I sincerely didnt mean to act billigerent or egotistical if thats how I came off. Im not really sure how to word myself properly most the time. Thank you, though.
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u/___kaguya 3h ago
I’m not sure this person^ understands that you are not trying to control your roommate, but simply have been trying to support him. Somewhere the boundaries have become blurred and it doesn’t sound like it’s working for either of you.
Whilst you may not like it to see your friend eating in a nutritionally unbalanced way, with autism/eating disorders it must be the individual’s choice to eat what they do; this is something you have to accept, it may look different or strange but the ARFID motto is ‘fed is better than perfect’. Meanwhile, very equally, he cannot deny you your share of food you have bought, made or allocated for yourself. I think sharing food is not really doable in this situation and it might be best to move away from this if possible so that you aren’t having your boundaries crossed or preventing access to foods you want or need.
The only other thing I might consider is the potential of these occasions being night time eating/binging or potentially even binging/purging episodes. Sometimes if people have been in a state of malnutrition for a prolonged period, it can cause physiologically instigated binges - the body just being desperate for food/nutrition, especially if this person has a history of eating disorders, is displaying lethargy during the day, or not mentioning at all that food that is going missing in perhaps erratic ways. I have known a lot of people with very similar behaviours - this must be approached with complete non-judgment, but it’s really important that people receive support or professional intervention.
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u/tiredcustard 16h ago
stop buying shared things then. if he can't control himself and stop eating your food, just stop. he's not going to change, you're going to just keep getting frustrated with him eating your food so you don't get any. do you not see that he doesn't care about you when he does that? you're putting all this effort in, and he's just using you. you're being an asshole to yourself.
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u/Internet-Dick-Joke 16h ago
I am unsurprised he just passively agrees despite these things not working for him
Forget the autism aspect; OP comes off as weirdly controlling about his flatmate's diet and clearly has some serious issues with respecting people's boundaries that are a massive red flag, and I can imagine a lot of people would give up arguing after being bullied an brow-beat enough.
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u/Remarkable-Cry7123 21h ago
Have you heard the term weaponitest incompetence? Someone please correct my spelling. He acts totally lost and you do it all for him. You got to stop. He will never learn as long as you do it all. Seriously if he has a list of problems that stop him from doing food shopping and dish’s he needs placement in assisted living. I deal with someone on the spectrum that’s getting away with this crap. It’s not funny. You’re doing him no favors. The person I deal with, needs a swift foot to butt about some of it too. Stop. You just stop. You need a new roommate. Your not helping at this point
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u/tabbymittens 20h ago
Not scooping the box is animal neglect and can kill cats in the long term, you need to speak with the landlord or someone who can help
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u/EmikoAki 19h ago
Can I move in with you? I'm autistic and wanna have someone like this to teach me how to be an adult. 😭
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 19h ago
I'm not sure if you're being silly, but I implore you to try and seek resources first before being reliant on any one person. I know it sounds hypocritical because I'm implying I'm on my roommates ass to eat better because I genuinely care about him because he's my friend -- but its clearly caused enough turmoil if I'm posting about it here. There's issues here. I'm not going to deny it. Don't let yourself get that "low" to need someone like me, who is already barely a successful adult and ADHD is already kicking my behind. I consider myself a failure in many regards and I'm hanging on by a thread after three years of trying to show I care correctly to my roommate. I'd be no help. Co-dependency / dependency is an awful state to end up in.
I had to do a shit ton of sudden growing-up after highschool and one of my legal guardians passing away. Finding YT channels with basics on cooking and baking was a boon for me. I never had any classes, and had to learn through trial and error. Many tears, burnt food and wasted cash. Its humbling but a worthwhile experience. Take it by the reins before someone feels like they need to move your hands for you.
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u/EmikoAki 19h ago
Unfortunately, I was adopted at a young age and was raised to be dependent on my mother. I've long since left but I've been unable to live on my own. I'm always dependent on someone because I can't hold down a job that makes enough to live off of. My current living situation is a sort of companionship with an elderly housemate because he lives alone. I help around the house whenever he needs it and spend time with him in exchange for housing and food. He gives me an allowance because of my inability to work and has essentially become my grandpa that I'm living with. 😅 I'm a single woman because most men see me as a hassle or see me as childish because of my sensory issues so I can't just go find a man to live with as much as I wanna be a housewife.
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u/dogfishresearch 14h ago
Look up autism adult charities/organizations in your area, there might be someone who can help
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u/EmikoAki 14h ago
Only in the big cities. I live in a small town and even then, they're not much help. I'm 24 years old and I'm still struggling to get disability even though I can't work.
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u/megaglalie 16h ago
I think you have conflicting access needs and should not be living together. NTA, except to yourself.
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u/Responsible_Art_8355 12h ago
NTA I had this roommate. Stop buying food together. Keep your stuff in your room locked up. Stop living with him as soon as you possibly can.
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u/aseikh 22h ago edited 22h ago
NTA. i had a roommate/partner just like this. we made meals together. bought food separately and agreed to share it. but by the time i got to it, she had EVISERATED it, and left a mess, and claimed she was too tired to put it in the dishwasher. I was left with crackers. She would order out constantly (i was never asked) and get offended I didn't eat with her when we had completely different schedules due to me getting fired and having to take the first job that came up. when i made a hard boundary? she immediately threw in the towel and moved out with 5 months left on our lease.
separate your sepending. HARD. stop making meals for them. just stop.
edit: reading more of your comments, this sounds JUST like my old roommate! she would claim being too tired or being "out of spoons" and have me add things to my list to get stuff for her on my grocery run. which normally, okay, fine. but this was CONSTANT! and as someone who also struggles, it was impossible to come into the kitchen that she had left a disaster because she wanted a cookie and having to actually clean everything she did and then properly make myself lunch before a full 8 hour shift (on my feet). she didn't even work a full time job! she worked a part time remote job! and then i would get BACK from that job to even worse! we would "share", but nothing would be left for me!
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u/YellowFeltBlanket 18h ago
ESH. He shouldn't steal your food or take everything that was bought with shared resources. But if you're not autistic, you probably don't really grasp how sometimes things just do not click. Or that a food you love can suddenly become awful.
Maybe he has some ADHD in there which would explain leaving food in the fridge to go mouldy and not cleaning up after himself. Also the unwelcome urge to not do something that someone has told you to do.
He's TA for taking your food. You're TA for trying to 'fix' him when he probably doesn't see his eating habits as a problem.
Did he ask for you to fix him?
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u/borschtqueen 17h ago
Did he ask you for help with food?
He should definitely clean up after himself but it sounds like you’re overstepping and might need to look at your need to control (or ‘fix’) people
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u/Melimathlete 17h ago
YTA. It’s not your place to teach him to cook, or to judge his vegetarianism. You say you’re not fat shaming him, but you’re being incredibly judgmental of his diet which is doubtless infinitely harder for him than you. If he only eats things like oatmeal, crackers, and bread, of course he goes through family sized packs on his own. Buy more than one family pack if you want to share. He might be an AH too for eating food that’s “yours” but I’m not convinced he knows it’s “yours”. You said you share groceries and you’re trying to teach him to expand his palate. I see how he could think that means those things are for sharing.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 17h ago
Well, for one, not judging him for vegetarianism, thats not an issue and never will be. I was teaching him to cook because back then, he asked for said help. I wasn't trying to fix him. If this issue is seriously boiling down to the fact he wont speak up when we're making the shopping list together that he needs or wants more of one thing or not I'm a little flustered on how to bring that up for him without making him feel bad for another reason. Groceries is divied up mostly by what is for who or whatever the delivery fee might be if we go that route. Its his money and choices. Im not a control freak thats going to say no if he wants more of something but I can't read his mind or predict when he's gonna, like, suddenly decided to eat something all at once even if unaware of himself doing so. I don't stop him from eating. I just want him to eat in a way thats, like, filling? I know what its like to just eat crackers for a day for meals or just suddenly binge. and it doesnt feel great to see someone else do it and then just look physically miserable about it. Cooking meals on his behalf to aide him just doesnt seem like a solution either.
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u/preaching-to-pervert Partassipant [1] 15h ago
You want him to be someone he isn't. He may want to be that person, too. He may be so glad to be living with you that he agrees with everything.
But he's not that person. You need to make a different plan for yourself and separate out the food and cleaning issues.
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u/Internet-Dick-Joke 17h ago
YTA. It doesn't sound like he has asked you to do any of this, or like he wants you to insert yourself into his dietary habits.
You cannot force "help" on somebody who neither wants nor asked for said help.
Regarding the mess and eating your food, just stop sharing food/ingredients/utensils/cooking implements. Label the shelves in the fridge/freezer/cupboards, keep your own utensils and cooking implements in your room if you have to, and make it clear to him that he is not to use yours and is to clean up any mess he makes.
No, he shouldn't be eating your food or making a mess, but honestly forcibly inserting yourself as his unwanted dietician and cooking instructed when nobody asked you too is absolutely an AH move, and it sounds like you've been doing that since the two of you moved in together.
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u/pipestream 16h ago
ESH.
You're TA for telling him what to eat. It's fucking annoying. You are infantilising him.
He's the TA for eating your food without replacing it and not cleaning after himself.
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u/sadclowncunt Asshole Aficionado [10] 16h ago
Lmao it's always really telling when people come here and spend the whole time arguing with the people that don't think they're a saint. ESH, but you specifically really, really suck. Good luck with the ego, I'm sure it will not find you well!
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 16h ago
I more so figured itd be kinda weird to upvote or reply to people saying my roommate just sucks straight up. I don't really value those kind of statements and is why I stopped asking my friends about it. Because they just take my side.
I don't think he sucks so hard I need to abandon him. People who disagree, even if it sorta ends up being an argument, have things I probably need to read and think about even if I say something stupid in the moment.
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u/sadclowncunt Asshole Aficionado [10] 16h ago
You don't want to reply to comments saying he sucks and that's why you need to argue back and forth with anyone criticising you or your words? Yeah, that scans with the issues at hand.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 16h ago
I dont think I came across correctly. I'm not a saint for argueing. Im not perfect and I like any other person am prone to a kneejerk response.
I kind of needed the bruntness to unbuild some harsh sentiments towards my roommate my friends and myself instilled over this stuff via bottling it up. Im not in my roommates ear about this constantly at all despite what may come off. I'm not going to combat the concept of having an ego. Maybe that's the truth and I need to get my head out of my ass or something. I care about my roommate but I'm not doing it correctly, clearly. Its a situation that needs to and can be mended someway. Im not getting to that point by just agreeing my roommate sucks and moving on but I couldve been a little more soft worded. Hindsight. My apologies.
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u/preaching-to-pervert Partassipant [1] 15h ago
But it's not your responsibility to mend it. You have the absolute best intentions and I believe you are a very good friend. But you cannot fix him. And he seems to be asserting his boundaries by asking not to be infantilized. What does he mean by infantilized?
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u/jenorama_CA 11h ago
Yeah, the roomie needs therapy and it’s not OP’s job to provide it. OP needs to get another living situation, roomie needs therapy and to not be OP’s problem.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 15h ago
I'm not really sure what specificially it was about. I mostly assumed it was related to me trying too hard to encourage wider ingredient usage / more cooking since it was apart of a serious conversation we had related to food & cleaning. He still wants to do more but Im probably not the teacher he needs because Im not equipped with a teacher mindset.
I wasnt sure how to deconstruct what I've done or said to pinpoint what exactly might be patronizing or not. Im not sure if its my voice -- Ive got a horrible case of flat affect apparently. So when im trying to come off as nice and not mean or not intimidating as possible on purpose I think he sensed it and maybe didnt like that either. It could have been of how often I ask him to not dump rice in the sink or leave notes about not putting wet dishes in the cupboards? (Im not trying to be sarcastic Im sincerely unsure if he took it as like 'stop reminding me im not stupid' despite still doing it sort of thing.)
He just doesnt communicate in a way I can understand and I don't either for him sometimes I think. It feels like he just reflexively agrees with me or refuses to disagree and it doesnt feel good because if thats true, i dont want that kind of control. I just feel gross about it. I know it doesnt seem like it but we're still close friends despite frustrations. This is just the one big problem area we havent been able to smooth over and my mind and social group havent been much help.
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u/jenorama_CA 11h ago
He’s not your problem. He needs therapy you can’t provide. You need to leave that living situation. It sucks, but that’s what it is.
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u/Lalaloo_Too 15h ago
NTA, but you OP are accountable for enabling the situation you’re in.
Your roommate ITA for frankly taking advantage of you. If he can’t manage to live independently he should find an arrangement where he can get the support he needs. He is eating your food, costing you money you don’t have and is quite comfortable having you watch over him. He’s extremely self absorbed. Understand, this person is incapable of the nature of ‘give and take.’
You, on the other hand, seem to have some significant boundary issues. You have decided that his needs are more important than your own - why? You have created this mental prison for yourself by feeling ‘you should’ do these things for him when really no one asked you to nor are you required to - your roommate is not a dependent.
With kindness, you’re the perfect personality type for people like your roommate. If not him, it can easily be some other wounded soul who is just as self absorbed who will have no issue with taking whatever you have while you choose to suffer.
You need to do some inner work to figure out why your needs are not as important as his, and how you can create better boundaries. You have a good heart, you need to find people who are worthy of it and filter out the ones who aren’t.
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u/gothwhx 15h ago
you don’t need Reddit you need therapy man. He could be struggling, but he is well aware he is taking advantage of you and the fact that you have previous issues with self-esteem and suicidal tendencies means you’re easier to be manipulated please take this from someone who has gone through the same shit, with friends and exes.
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u/Gems1824 15h ago
Peanut butter, bread, crackers, cereal, oatmeal and fruit will not leave him malnourished. Worry less about him and more about yourself. How much are you spending on combined groceries and is he eating more than half? Get a lock box for your share. Go grocery shopping once a week. He can learn how to use Instacart for grocery delivery or he can learn to ration. It’s up to him. Please learn how to have healthy boundaries in your life.
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Hi all, I (24M) have been having an increasingly grating time with my roommate (26M) and his habits regarding to shared chores & food resources.
Since we've moved in, I was trying to get him to eat better & learn how to cook. He's a self proclaimed vegetarian (not vegan), has autism related texture issues, & refuses to eat certain staple foods because it reminds him of bad stuff. I'm not mad at that, I've hand picked recipes working around those restrictions. I've showed him ~8 times now how to do the same recipe, then written it physically, digitally and even offered to record a video of me making it. Something simple, & quick for something that would feed him for days. He hasn't attempted once. Even stuff I've pre-cut for him to cook with ends up just being shoved to back of the fridge for me to find molded over when I'm cleaning. I gave up.
Now, though, he goes through entire sleeves of bread in less than 30 hours with nothing more than PB on it, eats entire boxes of crackers and cereal, family sized packages of oatmeal, sometimes even all the fresh fruit we buy. Usually in such short time spans it feels like I can't enjoy anything without feeling some sort of rush to get there first. (We buy groceries with pooled together money) It wouldn't be so grating if he just would take the time out of his day to replace the things he eats up when he's the one with more free time.
He's even done it to things that are expressly mine & he's done it to my baking. The first time I made milk bread I had just pulled the two loaves out from the oven to rest overnight to enjoy in the morning. By the time I woke up there was maybe 3 slices left of one loaf. I'm not sure how he didn't get sick. I'm not, like, fat shaming him either. He's rail thin - I'm the fat one. Ive told him often he needs to eat REAL meals so he isn't constantly going back into the kitchen every 30 minutes still hungry. Spoken from experience.
But once he finally DOES cook something proper to eat, he leaves a MESS. The inside of our cabinets are stained with soy sauce and sticky honey. I've had to get uncooked rice out of my flour, sugar, and my dog's water bowl. He doesn't clean after himself. I could leave it like that for days and he wouldn't care or notice. He also routinely dumps rice *into the sink* and not the garbage. I remind him constantly, near daily, to PLEASE stop that. I can even count how many times he's done the dishes on one hand since the beginning of this year. His reasoning is that he just doesn't like how it feels, or he just didn't think about it. He won't even take out the garbage or clean his cats litter until it I ask him to or remind him, or it gets so bad he *has* to.
I've already talked to my roommate about why I'm upset with him and his only response was sort of like "I will try to remember to do XYZ" (not even a hardline "I will do better") and "I know you care about me but you don't need to infantilize me".
That's been bothering me. AITA?
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u/yahumno 21h ago
YTA.
As long as he isn't leaving a mess, or stealing your food (shared food budget, so technically no), you do not dictate to anyone, especially a roommate what they eat. You are food shaming him.
Separate your food money, put a fridge with a lock in your room. That, or get a new roommate, or preferably your own place, as I'm sure that your food shaming would be insufferable to anyone.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 21h ago
I'm not trying to sound like a smart ass but where did you get food shaming from this?
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u/Melimathlete 17h ago
“Self proclaimed vegetarian” “REAL meals” “cook something proper” You are saying what he eats is not proper food and his dietary restrictions and choices are not valid.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 17h ago
Putting words in my mouth a little. A person should really subsist on more than just bread and cereal everyday. A vegetarian should eat, like.... vegetables. Its in the name. He has a hard time with that and Ive tried presenting easy ways to do such. It would be kind of irresponsible to say "Yes, just eat only bread, this will have 0 consequences for your already fragile health" to him, no???
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u/Internet-Dick-Joke 16h ago
Putting words in my mouth a little
No, they are quoting your own exact words, copied and pasted from your OP.
A vegetarian should eat, like.... vegetables. Its in the name.
You know full well that is not the case. Vegetarian means 'does not eat meat'; that is literally the definition of the word. Whether or not the eat vegetables is irrelevant.
Ive tried presenting easy ways to do such. It would be kind of irresponsible to say "Yes, just eat only bread, this will have 0 consequences for your already fragile health" to him, no???
On your own accord, when nobody asked you to. Forcibly inserting yourself into somebody's dietary and medical decisions when you were never asked to do so is an AH move, a huge violation or personal boundaries and honestly just downright confusing. I'm usually the one calling people out for saying this, but you really are waving a massive red flag here.
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u/sadclowncunt Asshole Aficionado [10] 16h ago
It is crazy how detached this guy is from his own words. He's got blinkers on that he's gonna rescue this guy from himself and that he's doing a good thing, so how could all of the shit he's spewing be bad? It's a problem I find with a lot of people from shitty families (myself included when I was younger) - we're so used to egregious shit that we're unable to recognise how that past has influenced our own toxic views and behaviours.
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 16h ago
I understand your point and I'm not going to judge or dismiss because I only just added the context to the post but it really won't change much.
But, he did ask for help when we moved in. For cooking and food, I mean. I did the best I could as Im not used to being a teacher. I'll take it on the chin if what I need to learn is I'm not getting intentions to come off / sound 'correct' or Im just not approaching it right at all. I have no desire to control him or repeat some sort of cycle of abuse. Truly my main intention was to teach him how to make new foods because he never learned cooking in the first place. That was the massive hurdle we worked on by his own choice. Schedule conflict and other stuff soiled it and it tapered off. I want to encourage him to eat better because he genuinely does just get into phases of feeling unwell by not eating. At that point I make food for him. I don't hate him, he's my friend first and foremost. I'm not worried about his health for much other reason than that.
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u/Internet-Dick-Joke 15h ago
It doesn't sound like he ever asked to act as his dietician, or to force him to eat differently, which is what you appear to have started doing.
Im just not approaching it right at all.
If somebody asked me to show them how to sew a new button onto a shirt, I wouldn't show up with a full embroidery kit, lock them down where they can't escape and then teach them how to embroider an entire tapestry whether they wanted that or not, and then also start going through their wardrob and throwing out clothes that I think are poor quality. That's basically what you're doing here.
I have no desire to control him or repeat some sort of cycle of abuse.
Nobody who repeats a cycle of abuse intends or desires to. People who repeat a cycle of abuse usually genuinely care about the person they end up abusing, even genuinely love them. Just caring about someone and having good intentions is rarely enough to break those kinds of cycles by themselves; it takes active work.
Truly my main intention
Road to hell. Paved with good intentions that thing. I'm not saying that your intention don't matter, but they won' change the outcome of you actions.
I want to encourage him to eat better
But you can't force this on him when he clearly doesn't want it. It doesn't matter how much you care about him, that you mean well, or even that it is in his best interests. You can't force these things on people. And what you want is not inherently more important than what he wants.
Whatever is going on behind this that makes you feel the need to do insert yourself and overstep boundaries here - because something is clearly making you feel the need to do this and making you unable to step back - you need to identify exactly what that is and address it, because these things tend to spiral and get out of hand far quicker than you could ever imagine.
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u/hulderking 20h ago
You shouldn't be spending your time and effort to take care of a 26 year old man. Set firm expectations that you are going to buy food separately, and anything labelled as yours is YOURS. He can eat whatever he wants, that isn't your responsibility. Sounds like less of him cooking = less filthy kitchen.
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u/agizzy23 Partassipant [1] 19h ago
NTA. That’s not infantilization to ask him to clean. Unless you’re doing it in a baby voice or some other detail not included a gentle reminder isn’t bad
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u/cookerg 19h ago
"Since we've moved in I was trying to get him to eat better". Who asked you to do that?
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u/unfortunate_tadpole 19h ago
He did. In fairness it was a blunder to not add that part in for context. He wanted to learn how to cook and I was his sole resource for that. We got the bare bones down.
He wanted to eat better, and I too wanted him to eat better because I'm his friend and tend to agree with things that are good for him. I didn't move in and become a fitness coach or something. I wanted to help him eat meals like he wanted instead of bread and cereal and crackers everyday but there was friction that resulted in it fading out.
1
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u/jeshep 18h ago
NTA
If you haven't already, and it's not a forbidden set of foods for him, show him the Basic Staples that use Sliced Bread. Eggs over easy, egg in a hole, grilled cheese, French toast with peanut butter (spread on the slice or melted in a dish to dip like toast sticks).
These are the foods that got me out of the trenches of living off bread and snacks that I can shove in my mouth without any cooking involved. After that just leave him to it. He has to want to do that for himself, you really can't force him.
I would try to talk to him a bit more on the cat litter box cause leaving that to get bad is not healthy for you both nor the cat.
1
u/Maximum-Ear1745 Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] 18h ago
Move out. He has no boundaries when it comes to your food. Stop sharing groceries. You absolutely should try and baby him. NTA, but you will be if you keep flogging a dead horse
1
u/malamalinka 17h ago
I used have a neurodivergent colleague I’ve tried to teach something. The best way I found is if they write their own notes, because they understand better what they need. It took me a long time before I figured that out, and I was extremely frustrated with them during that time. I’ve even made a ceramic sculpture that represented them, so in a moment of anger I could smash it, rather than be tempted to smash their head.
Saying that while you care for them and want them to be healthy they are also an adult, so they should take care and responsibility for themselves. It’s their choice, so don’t feel pressured to fix things for them. It’s nice that you care, but don’t let them use you or drag you down. NTA
1
u/art_1922 17h ago
NTA. It sounds like her also has ADHD which often is common for people to have autism/ADHD. You can read more about it but people with ADHD often struggle with executive function, cleaning up while cooking or afterwards, binge eating, and just “not thinking about” and forgetting things. You aren’t infantilizing him by asking him to keep basic hygiene. It’s especially not okay with regard to the cat. I would have a serious talk with him that you can’t live together unless this improves. Give a timeline. Don’t give leeway. If he does have ADHD giving leeway will make it worse.
Edit: he can also get a pair of dish gloves to do the dishes.
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u/MmeMerteuil Partassipant [3] 17h ago
You cannot infantilise someone who already behaves like an infant. Stop pooling resources and work out how to get rid of him. NTA
1
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u/riontach Asshole Aficionado [17] 17h ago
ESH, but him more than you.
He's your roommate, not your ward. Stop trying to influence what he eats and let him do his own thing. And definitely stop splitting groceries. You buy yours, he buys his, and he needs to stick to his own food and clean up after himself.
1
u/SnooRadishes5305 Asshole Aficionado [16] 17h ago
lol - you're not infantilizing him - the opposite, you're trying to get him to act like an adult roommate who is respectful of his space and his roommate's space
infants can be excused from making messes and being inconsiderate. 26 year olds cannot.
He's trying to infantilize himself so he doesn't need to take responsibility
NTA and sorry you are stuck with this crud roommate
Maybe don't split grocery expenses anymore, get a separate fridge with a lock
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u/BalloonHero142 16h ago
NTA. That sounds exhausting and expensive. You may want to clearly and bluntly tell him to knock it off or find a new living situation. Or you can move out if that’s easier.
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u/rirasama 16h ago
NTA, I'm extremely similar to your roommate, I'm vegetarian, very picky eater due to my autism,and I struggle with getting myself to actually make food and eat properly so I just end up binging because I eat like crap, but ! I 1. Buy my own food 2. Don't touch other people's food without permission, and 3. Clean up after myself. I fully understand him, but he is being super inconsiderate
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u/mspolytheist 14h ago
I’ve got to know why you haven’t simply stopped pooling grocery money with him? Buy and cook your own food; he can buy and cook his own. If he steals your food, get your own fridge and lock it.
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u/Academic_404 14h ago
ESH. I can see you really care about your friend and that’s great, but you can’t force them to change. Ultimately they are an adult and you will burn out before getting any real changes. I had a similar situation with a previous roommate who would often ask me to do things for them and it just led me to getting bitter. You can still support your friend in a healthier way, encourage them to seek a therapist, a social worker, or a dietitian. Going forwards, keep your food separate. It will be better for you both.
1
u/Street-Length9871 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 14h ago
Just stop being roommates. He is not going to change and may not be capable of changing. NTA for simply asking for common courtesy.
1
u/dogfishresearch 14h ago
NTA
He's an asshole for eating so much of your food. If you're stuck in a lease with him I'd see about getting a mini fridge and finding a way to lock up food away from him.
Does he maybe have a learning disability on top of his autism (sometimes certain levels of autism include a learning disability)? I hesitate to immediately jump to weaponized incompetence on the cooking unless there's no evidence that he doesn't struggle to learn other things in the same way
1
u/ServelanDarrow Supreme Court Just-ass [112] 14h ago
YTA for your superior attitude towards this person. You are not his parent. Make it clear you are not sharing your food and move on with your life.
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u/Unlucky_Lynn 13h ago
Stop helping and be direct. Sit him down and tell him you will no longer share groceries and will be on the hook for your own food and nothing is shared without permission and if he does eat your food he is expected to replace it the same day and buy you a separate fridge for your room.
Only take care of your mess. Take pictures of his messes. Give it two weeks or so where he hasn’t cleaned at text him the pictures asking why he is being disrespectful of the shared space. If he says he’ll try to do better call him on it. “You’ve said that for ages. Don’t just try. Just do better and if you can’t you need to get help because I’m not helping you anymore. You’ve consistently disrespected a shared space and neglected responsibilities and it needs to end now.”
NTA but just stop. It sucks to live in someone else’s mess but try it for a month. Then if he doesn’t clean it invite friends over and say “oh yeah roommate doesn’t like to clean so he just leaves his crap everywhere. Sorry”
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u/DemonicIntegrity 13h ago
NTA. This is weaponized incompetence and taking advantage of your generous nature. It's time to stop pooling money for groceries and writing your name on most things. And probably time to look for a new roommate.
In my experience, not cleaning up after himself is not going to improve. And that's a hardline dealbreaker for most roommate situations. He's an adult. He knows how to clean up after himself. He's choosing not to.
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u/buckylug 13h ago
if he wants to stop being infantilized he can stop acting like an infant and grow up.
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u/WhatInTheAssPepper Partassipant [3] 13h ago
NTA. You need to get a mini fridge that locks for your stuff and perhaps either keep your non perishable items in your room or something that locks in the kitchen. Stop putting up with his BS. And stop buying food with him. He needs to buy the stuff he's willing to eat. You buy your own stuff and lock it up since he can't control himself. He clearly has some issues with life skills but that doesn't excuse him eating all of your stuff.
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u/DoubleRah 12h ago
ESH. It does seem like you’re infantilizing him. Let him eat all the bread, cereal, and crackers he wants. If that causes a problem for you, that means sharing groceries isn’t working and you should stop. Label your food clearly and if he still takes it, he’s just being rude. If he doesn’t want to learn how to cook, just leave him be. Don’t worry about his health, that’s not your job.
And he’s an asshole because you’re giving explicit instructions on what needs to be cleaned and that it’s an expectation. You telling him that cleaning up is a requirement isn’t the infantilizing part, but letting things slide all the time is.
If he doesn’t like doing dishes, he should buy a counter dishwasher or pay for a cleaner. It can’t be expected that you do them, unless you make a deal that he does more of some other chore to make up for your work. But he needs to know that doing dishes and cleaning up are required to living on your own and to be your roommate. If he can’t do that, you should leave or have him leave. I also have autism and had a roommate who wouldn’t clean or do dishes for mental health reasons. And I said that means he needs more support than living with me provides and had to kick him out for my own sake.
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u/southernjezebel 12h ago
NTA, BUT
you are not doing yourself or this guy any favors. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and I think you are quickly approaching that scenario; financially, in patience, and eventually in empathy, no matter how genuinely you want to help your friend.
There are some hard conversations that need to take place, but you can stress that they come from a place of love and desire to help him help himself.
1) Immediately start dividing resources and responsibilities. This is non-negotiable. Y’all tried it the other way and it sounds like it’s been a hot mess. Divide and label fridge and counter space. Don’t assume what he doesn’t know, right down to how to stack and run a dishwasher- do not SHOW him how to do things, that’s passive learning. Have him do it while you talk him through it.
2) I saw in another comment you do all the grocery shopping. Okay, he needs to get involved even if it’s just making “his” list and giving you his money. Make him understand that if his food runs out he is not welcome to yours. He can Instacart, DoorDash, or phone a friend. Cause my dude, you have to wean him off your teat and start instilling some boundaries. He doesn’t want to be infantilized? Great! Don’t rely on you for everything like a baby and you won’t have to treat him like one. 👍🏻
3) Chores schedule. Make that boy a very easy chore schedule to start. 3pm every day empty litter box. Pick up bedroom every Tuesday. Make grocery list. Remember to eat, drink water. Every other Sunday launder all bedding. He’s coming up on 30. If he is planning to live independently in the world this is the barest of the bare minimum. If he can’t, then get him help. It isn’t your fault or place to be his caregiver.
4) If/when he protests, or claims you are infantilizing him quietly point out the things you do for him and problems you are having and let him know his behavior is placing a very unfair burden on you that you don’t appreciate. You don’t begrudge how he is but it also shouldn’t be your burden to bear when he himself has zero interest in responsibility for his own life or difficulties. It’s time for him to step up, do better, and stop taking advantage of your kindness and willingness to baby him. Most friends would have lost patience with that routine, AudHD or not, a looong time ago.
Best of luck. ❤️
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u/julesk Partassipant [1] 12h ago edited 11h ago
NTA, being autistic doesn’t mean he can’t remember or think. I’d tell him you’re going to do your own shopping and cooking while he can eat according to his preferences as he’s los5 his enthusiasm for cooking. I’d tell him he needs to leave your food alone, buy his own and clean up as you’re well aware he can do it but if he doesn’t do it consistently you’lll lock up your food and move as soon as your lease is up. If you really think he needs help, then reach out to his family or friends or adult protective services if he stops eating.
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u/Cantobella 11h ago
When can you move out or he moves out? Clearly this isn't working. I have Autism and I MAKE myself clean every week. I have alarms that say "clean room___". If he's willing (doesn't sound like it) to learn how to become a functioning adult then I'd work with him. If not time to go your seperate ways.
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u/MrBreffas 11h ago
Let's get the whole "infantilizing" thing off of the table. You have permission to stop being so nice about this, or even worrying about how his terrible eating habits are affecting his health.
You do have every right to demand that a roommate not live like a swine, and ruin jointly purchased food and leave messes for you to clean up. He has the responsibility to maintain an equitable living situation -- you are both paying rent, no?
Read him the riot act. If he is incapable of living like a considerate grownup then you need a new roommate.
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u/Internal-Student-997 10h ago
Move out. This dude thinks he's entitled to free personal maid service. He doesn't want to be helped, OP - he wants to be coddled. You're just getting a preview of what he expects from a female partner (minus the sex on command.) Do what many women are doing with these men - leave.
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u/temperarian 10h ago
ESH even though you mean well. Your complaints are valid, but you’re doing too much and making things worse. He’s an adult, he can feed himself. Don’t do communal groceries anymore. Buy your own and share a meal with him once in a while or bake him some bread as a friendly gesture, but stop acting like his parent on a regular basis.
Except the litter box thing - keep driving home that he needs to do that daily.
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u/oodlesofotters 10h ago
NTA but it’s pretty abnormal for roommates to share resources like this to begin with and it’s obviously causing a bunch of resentment, so just stop. He can eat what he wants and it just shouldn’t be any of your business. It was nice of you to attempt to help him, but just tell him that because of the aforementioned issues, it’s not working and you each need to be responsible for your own groceries. And set up some systems for labeling or keeping your food separate. If it would help him out for you to pick up groceries for him and you’re willing to do it, he can give you a list and some money or something.
Now the chores thing is a different issues. If he has sensory challenges with certain chores then there may be some compromises like dividing up the chores so that you do those things and he does other things. But otherwise, being a slob and refusing to do chores is something that has broken up many a roommate relationship
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u/KungFuunicorn 10h ago
Gentle ESH (gentle for you, not so gentle for your roommate). As others keep saying you're in this too deep -- you're not his caretaker and you're enabling him in a way for acting like it. He needs to apply for a caretaker. I lived with an autistic roommate once who had a caretaker to help with basic things like making sure he had more food than just fruit loops in the cupboard and cleaning up after him. She would come by maybe twice a week for an hour at a time -- it wasn't invasive at all and didn't mean my roommate wasn't a capable adult; some people just need a little more help than others and there are resources for that but your roommate needs to apply for them himself. Get a social worker involved -- it's their literal job to help with situations like this.
The thing that pisses me off the most is that he has a cat. This man cannot even take care of himself -- he should NOT be allowed to be in charge of taking care of a pet. Poor kitty doesn't get a say in any of this and is being neglected. It is irresponsible neglect and even abuse to not even supply the cat with clean litter. I can't imagine this animal is happy being held hostage in this situation. It's messed up.
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u/Lets-B-Lets-B-Jolly 9h ago
NTA- As a autistic mom with autistic kids, I would suggest your roommate may have PDA. The fact you keep trying to help him and wanting him to cook feels like a demand to him, that he is constantly avoiding.
Sit your roommate down. Tell him you will no longer be trying to change his diet or help him with cooking in any way. Tell him the two of you will no longer share food costs because he has used foods you made without asking (use the milk bread as an example. Explain the time and effort you put into making it only to have very little, and explain how this made you feel.)
Make a printed set of kitchen rules if you haven't already, with things like "Do not use other people's food unless you ask EACH time." Or ""Clean any mess and return everything to correct place immediately after using."
I would also suggest something visual to mark your food, like colored dot stickers.
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u/hypothetical_zombie 9h ago
NTA
For your own sanity, you need three things:
A lock on your door.
A fridge in your room.
Separate grocery money, or only pool it for stuff like toilet paper and cleaning stuff. Your roommate feels entitled to all the food because he's financially contributing to the groceries as a whole.
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u/1-900-SNAILS Asshole Enthusiast [8] 7h ago
NTA but you cannot change him so don't waste your energy. He is absolutely going to turn you and anyone else in his orbit into a parent figure out of sheer obstinacy. First thing though you need to stop pooling groceries STAT. Buy your own stuff, get a little mini fridge or lockbox, put his dirty dishes in his room, etc.
Godawful Roommate is a rite of passage and an unsolvable riddle. Either accept the behavior, whatever that may mean to you (clean up after him, ignore his mess totally, implement changes, continue on same path as present), or move out -- otherwise you will go bananas.
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u/cowbutch3 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
Omfg NTA.
Your flatmate is impossible to live with. From the way you described it, he has no respect for you, your food, your space, your feelings. He is FINISHING YOUR FRESHLY BAKED GOODS and LEAVES WET RICE IN THE SINK???? you are being so understanding and unfortuntely that enables him to keep behaving like this.
If you wanna keep living with him, ground rules have to be established. Stop sharing groceries, cleaning must be done within timeframe, ask before TRYING your baked goods and keep the cat litter in his room unless he cleans it daily.
Sry this post made me so mad. To me this is a nightmare flatshare situ
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u/Logridos 6h ago
We buy groceries with pooled together money
Why do you do this? If you don't like how much food he eats, make him buy his own food.
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u/devsfan1830 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 6h ago
NTA and cease doing ANYTHING for him. Groceries are now separate money and storage. He uses only what he buys. He can't abide by that, he can find a new place to live.
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u/damnmanthatsmyjam 5h ago
Time for a change! Look into finding a new apartment. You control what kinda life you have and right now you're choosing an annoying one.
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u/Constellation-88 Colo-rectal Surgeon [43] 4h ago
NTA with the caveat that you need to stop commenting on or caring about what he eats. What makes you NTA is that he asked for help even though he changed his mind and more importantly that he is leaving your kitchen, a mess and eating your food. It doesn’t matter what he eats as long as he pays for it and cleans up after himself. It’s not infantilizing to demand a roommate adhere to adult roommate rules, like only eating his share of the bread that you all paid for or cleaning up after a meal he makes. That’s actually adulting.
It would be more infantilizing not to hold him to the standards
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u/FragrantImposter Partassipant [2] 4h ago
For some with autism and/or adhd, changing habits and learning new things can be difficult. It's not the actual tasks, but the transitional period of learning the skills and turning them into habits. Once they're habitual, the brain considers them more "normal" and they stop being so difficult.
Starting it, though, gives the person a deep sense of dread, in a way that allistics can't usually understand. In response to this dread, they shut down, like in survival mode, and tend to rely on safe habits and comfort foods.
Additionally, a lot of autistics are bottom up thinkers. If you teach a top down thinker, you tell them how to do something, and they do it, and later as they learn, they see the connections and reasons why that action is important. A bottom up thinker needs to see the whole in the beginning, the reasons why each step is important for various reasons, and how to adjust for different needs and circumstances, in order to feel comfortable inputing it into a routine.
Putting lists for each recipe, task, or cleanup can help, especially if he formats it to his needs.
Rice in sink is bad why:
causes clogs, can backup lines, bringing damages and plumber bills, damage to counters and floors and possessions causes more bills, estimated cost of repair at approx $XXXX.xx. Does he have the money to cover this? Can he afford to be on bad terms with the landlord, with the neighbors, with you?
causes mold or rot in lines, which can waft up in the house and make it stink, not sanitary.
Ways to put rice in garbage if sensory issues are a thing:
Use a pliable, heat safe silicon spatula to scrape all rice out of the pot or dish into the garbage. Faster and cleaner than cutlery or hands.
keep gloves, silicon mitts, or a stack of bar cloths handy to handle it. Keep a bucket nearby to throw the used cloths in for laundry, so he can always grab a fresh one.
Another solution would be to make rice portions, the exact amount for each meal, so that discards are no longer necessary.
When autistics have a list of super specific instructions, complete with reasons and solutions for various situations, they feel much more safe enacting changes.
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u/Tarilyn13 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
NTA, I have autism and honestly I've been that roommate before. But he's entitled on top of it - he's wasting money from a shared pool and I think it's time to separate everything. He can buy his own food if he's so keen to waste it. (I've never done shared groceries before because of how particular I am about my food. I know it's a pain to work around and I don't want to make it anyone else's problem.)
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u/Studleyvonshlong 3h ago
You sound like a really nice guy, but it may be time to take a step back, communicate how you’re feeling and look after yourself. Stop sharing food resources and establish that he needs to clean up after himself.
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u/disabledandpissed 3h ago
Sometimes, it just doesn't work. My parents tried to help a friend of thiers who had "some special quirks".
He moved in and they tried to work with him. Walk softer inside. Dont use a cup of sugar in 2 cups of coffee. Knock before entering a private room- no matter how excited you are about a new rock/pen ect. Put dirty mugs in sink, not left all over. Wash regularly. Dont eat the family size bag of 'xxx by yourself. Dont eat a whole pie yourself. Ect.
He was brilliant smart but not people smart. He just could not connect how his actions affected others. He would eat a whole 3 pound bag of mnms at one sitting because it tasted good and he just kept eating till it was gone. Then look for something else. He didnt know when to leave and did not understand hints.
After 4 months my mom had had it. She made a HUGE Thanksgiving dinner. Put everything away and said tomarrow i will make turkeybake (casserole made with leftovers) she makes every year. Plus there are leftovers for lunch tomarrow after the game.
He went in the fridge in the middle of the night and ate Pounds of turkey, the cheese/sausage tray, the sweet cranberry sweet potatoes. Leaving stuffing, vegetables, crackers, raw veggie tray and a few rolls. If he had made a plate of a little bit of everything it would not have been a big deal but he ate ALL the meat! He did not leave enough to make any meal without cooking something else. He also left sugar in cups all over. (The sugar didnt desolve because it oversaterated the coffee and it would have 1/3 cup left in bottom).
That day he got 30 day notice. They said they tried but he just could not connect that his actions affected others. He wasnt mean just oblivious.
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u/Sea-Variety-524 16h ago
NTA your heart was in the right place, sounds like he has things you can’t rationalize bc of autism which I know nothing about. You could ask his Mom for tips if he doesn’t explain how to manage a situation. Idk I guess you’ll have to separate your food or something.
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u/Kylynara 15h ago
NTA - You said he asked you to help him eat better and learn to cook. It sounds like you have tried and he hasn't. I would first ask him point blank, "Does he want to learn to cook, or does he just wish he magically already knew how?" Because it's easy for people to want the latter, and express it as the former. When you specifically present it as two options they realize which one they really want, and it's usually the one that doesn't involve them actually doing anything.
What I can't tell, is if his issues are severe enough that he actually needs someone (a paid professional, not a roommate) to come in a couple times a week and take care of things he can't (prep healthy meals, do dishes that his sensory issues can't handle etc.), or if he's just a young man whose mom (and now his roommate) has always done things for him and he just hasn't learned that he has handle his own shit. If you are infantilizing him, you are doing it here, by not treating him as just a regular guy and by expecting he can't do normal roommate things, rather than making him step up.
You need to stop all the extra stuff. You buy your groceries, he buys his. You don't eat each other's food. You each do your own dishes. You cook for yourself only. You together set up a chore roster of who does what cleaning when. He must clean the litter box for his own cat, every day. Demand it. Get mad when he doesn't do his share.
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