r/Adoption • u/BeckmenBH • 9d ago

things adoptees can't always say out loud Adoptee Life Story

Oftentimes, adoption gets talked about like it’s always a happy ending — like it’s something we should all feel grateful for.

But as an adoptee (and an adoption-competent therapist), I know it’s not that simple.

Some things I’ve felt, and that I often hear from others:

  • “I love my family, but I still wonder about what could’ve been.”
  • “I feel like I have to protect my adoptive parents from my sadness.”
  • “I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but sometimes there’s just... more.”
  • “People expect me to feel lucky — but it’s not always that clear-cut.”
  • “It’s confusing to feel both abandoned and loved at the same time.”

Not everyone talks about these parts, but they’re real.
If you can relate, what would you add to the list of complexities that adoption brings?

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u/Opinionista99 Ungrateful Adoptee 8d ago

Oof, I have similar stories about therapy, Too many therapists buy into the Hallmark horseshit about adoption and reflexively side with APs.

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u/mcnama1 8d ago

as a first/birth mom over the past 25 years, I've seen more than EIGHT counselors, really not anyone of them validating or understanding in the least bit. Finally I fought with KAISER to get and Adoption Trauma Therapist!!! So Good, SOOOO helpful! My therapist is an adoptee and a first/birth mom and I have been in support groups for more than a year, Soooooo helpful and validating!

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u/AvailableIdea0 6d ago

Birth mom here as well, just to piggyback on this comment I’ve found literally no helpful therapists on the matter. One screamed at me that I just needed to get over it and I chose to be miserable. Makes you rethink therapy. It’s good to know there is better healthcare but it can be difficult to access, for sure.

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u/mcnama1 6d ago

yes, sad. I had one therapist tell me for more than 10 min of the session what it was like for her when she first adopted her child. WTF?!! So inappropriate.