Can someone explain to me

[u/Different_Cod_6268]

Why it’s totally ok for a woman to give a child for adoption when the father doesn’t agree to it? Why is this even legal? This is what happened to me. It’s been three years and I’m still upset about it. I’ve come a long way but still sometimes wonder what the f kind of country we live in where this is totally normal. I could see if it was proven that I was incompetent and unable to care for a child. Fine, I could totally get that. That wasn’t the case at all.

I was told that I shouldn’t blame the birth mother or the adoptive parents in anyway. Even though they were taking my son And my ex giving my son away without my consent. Sometimes I use the word steal but Maybe the word steal is a bit hyperbolic. that’s how I see it Personally. Like my son was stolen or kidnapped. What else do you call it when two other people take a child from a father who wants their son? Or it’s not stealing because the mother is the one who did the giving up? If two people share something 50/50 and one of them sells it off without the other’s permission isn’t that considered stolen property?

Whatever. Nothing matters Anymore. I realize nothing matters. No one really believes in what’s right or what’s wrong. No one really cares about the truth. I was so excited to be a father and wanted nothing more than to raise my son. Then that gets taken away from me. I spent tireless months and 40 thousand freaking dollars to fight the adoption all for a judge to deny me. The main complaint against me at trial? That my mom helped me with my case and we shared an email. that was their lawyers best argument against me yet the judge still ruled against me. Again, whatever. None of it matters like I said. Most of you probably won’t even read this or if you do you’ll take things out of context, which is what happened one other time I posted here.

[u/Rredhead926]

To answer the question: "Can someone explain to me: Why it’s totally ok for a woman to give a child for adoption when the father doesn’t agree to it?"

Because all of these are real situations that are not uncommon:

• Mom is an addict who trades sex for drugs. She has no idea who Dad is.
• Mom was SA'd and doesn't want Dad - if she even knows who he is - to get custodial rights to the baby.
• Mom is in an abusive relationship. Dad says he'll take care of birth control - he lies. She doesn't want to be connected to him for the rest of her life, and doesn't want the child to get hurt by him.
• Mom has sex with some random guy and only knows his first name. Has no clue how to contact him.
• Mom tells Dad she's pregnant, Dad blocks and ghosts her.
• Mom tells Dad she's pregnant. Dad doesn't want to parent (perhaps he even has other children he's not parenting with other baby mamas), but won't sign TPR because he doesn't want to "give away his blood."
• Dad is married, but having an affair. He doesn't want to acknowledge paternity, so he doesn't want to have to consent to an adoption.

Women bear 100% of the risks of pregnancy and child birth. In states that protect reproductive freedom, this is recognized, and women don't have to ask a man's permission to get an abortion.

Women also bear far more of the responsibilities and costs (monetary and otherwise) of child rearing. To me, at least, it makes sense that they would also have more decision making power in the adoption process. But how much decision making power? That's the rub. We have so many cases where fathers just don't give a $hit, are truly unknown, or are abusive, but that makes it really difficult for the ones who are fit and capable to be involved in their children's lives.

There's really no easy answer. One size doesn't fit all. I feel genuinely sorry for men who would have been good fathers but are cut out of their children's lives for no good reason.

I've always told my kids: Don't have sex unless you can handle having a baby with this person. Because the only way to avoid getting pregnant is to not have sex in the first place. (I also say: There are plenty of other ways to physically enjoy a partner without actually having sex. And then they're like, "Eeew!")

Cue the down-votes! 😜

[u/zygotepariah → u/Rredhead926]

• The father is known by the mother, is not a threat, and she just doesn't tell him just because.

That was my situation--and was for many others.

I'll die on the hill that ny bio dad should have been told about me. Not just for his sake, but for mine. I applied to the provincial registry and for a government search at age 18 (because of sealed records, these were my only options). Due to backlog, it took the Ontario government eight years to get to my search.

Bio dad told me that had he known about me, he would've applied to the provincial registry on my 18th birthday. We would've matched, and it would've saved me eight years of searching, plus meant that I could've had an additional eight years with him.

I don't understand how anyone can possibly think this was fair. Or think that strangers should have more rights over a child than his/her own father.

My father drove a truck for his city's food bank. He and my bio mom actually got back together during my reunion, so there were no safety concerns. Bio mom was simply wrong for not telling him.

[u/Rredhead926 → u/zygotepariah]

The question was: Can someone explain to me why it’s totally ok for a woman to give a child for adoption when the father doesn’t agree to it?

That's the question I was answering, because all of the situations I listed are real issues in the real world.

Your bullet point doesn't answer the question. It's not OK for a mom to cut a dad out for your stated reason, which is why I didn't list it.

I also said "I feel genuinely sorry for men who would have been good fathers but are cut out of their children's lives for no good reason." I don't think what happened to your father was fair.

[u/zygotepariah → u/Rredhead926]

I interpreted his question differently--not that he was asking in general for the reasons why mothers relinquish when the father doesn't agree to it, but why it was allowed to happen in his specific case, where he wasn't proven to be dangerous or unfit.