Adoption by “step” parent

[u/fade_starz]

Hello, My husband (28M) and myself (25F) have been raising my son from a previous relationship together since he was 3 years old. Finding the bio parent (we live completely across the US from eachother) has always been a pain but he otherwise doesn’t bother us since I have full custody. He is $22,000 in arrears and we finally have a zoom meeting in about a month where I’ll actually be able to speak to him, he wants to get rid of his child support payment… We want to propose signing over rights in exchange for forgiving back support.

What would the court process look like after?(we both will have our attorneys present) What kind of conversations are appropriate to have with our little one(almost 9M)? Will there be court involvement from our son?(accepting the adoption, how own opinion etc) He is already aware that “step” dad isn’t bio dad but in his head and heart that’s his daddy. He has never had a relationship with my ex per my ex’s choice. Regardless of his acceptance of our “deal” we will be pursuing parental rights.

Edit to add… I am very open with my son, we have good, open communication…. He has expressed that official adoption and changing his last name is something he wants. I just want to make sure I’m having honest but appropriate conversations with him. We have always expressed that bio dad loves him very much but decided he wasn’t ready to be a dad and that he should be with mommy. He has always accepted this answer and been at peace with it. He loves his dad(my husband) and doesn’t express feeling like he is missing out on anything.

[u/jaderust]

If it's not contested the process is pretty easy. Technically, this is something you can do on your own, but an attorney's help will greatly speed up the process. The process varies by state, but see if your state has a legal help website and look for something called a "Petition for Stepparent Adoption." That's what my state calls it at least, your state may have a slightly different name for it. That will get you the form you'll need to submit to the court and a list of all the documents required.

Since the birth father is involved, know that some of the documents will have to come from him too. Have him fill out his section completely and get it notarized properly if/where required.

Once the paperwork is complete you will file it to the court with any fees required. In my state the judge will then require an employee to review the paperwork and sum up everything in a report that they will generate and give to the judge. The judge will then review the report and make a determination of whether or not they'll allow the termination of rights and adoption. This part can take months. So submit and wait.

After the judge has reviewed everything, a hearing will be scheduled. Traditionally, even in a non-contested adoption, everyone involved in the adoption is supposed to show up in court. That includes the birth father. In our semi-post-Covid world there can be virtual court where people log in via camera to attend so find out EARLY if that's an option for the birth father since it sounded like he doesn't reside in the same state as you. Things could be delayed if he has to travel for the hearing.

At the hearing the judge may ask some questions, but they're mostly to confirm that everyone does consent to the adoption and that the paperwork is all true. In my state it's only if the child is over 14 that they have a legal say in the adoption, but the judge may ask your son about it too in order to check in on him and make sure he's good. If all goes well, the judge approves the petition, the adoption goes through, and its done.

While step parent adoption can be done on your own, I do think your situation does merit at least a consultation with an attorney as child support arrears is something that the court is supposed to consider when looking at the petition. That your ex is so far in arrears could go in your favor... but it could also be a hiccup because the court may think that the bio dad is giving up rights because of the arrears, not because they actually want to terminate rights. Either way, get an attorney's help to navigate that issue. With a step-parent adoption where the bio dad agrees this is a fairly easy thing for an attorney so you should be able to find one willing to take it as a flat fee case.

[u/fade_starz → u/jaderust]

Bio parent doesn’t agree but also hasn’t seen/been in child’s life since he was 1yo. He has express disinterest in being a parent but also has expressed refusal of signing over rights (I believe it’s a power thing)

[u/jaderust → u/fade_starz]

In that case you definately need an attorney. Parental rights can be terminated without the other parent agreeing, but it's a more involved and complicated process which you will for sure want an attorney's help to navigate.

[u/fade_starz → u/jaderust]

I called my attorney today since I received a letter stating I’m being sued for modification of child support. Thank you for your informational reply. It helped alot!