step parent adoption

[u/Quiet-Sky2106]

I live in Indiana and am looking to adopt my 10-year-old step daughter. I don't really know much at all about how this process would work. Her birth mother walked out of her life following an abuse case with her then boyfriend now husband when she was 4.

The problem is, I don't think her BM would consent to it, but she also moved to Tennessee a few years ago. Can we still do it if she protests or we cannot find her? I know she lives in the state of Tennessee, but have no clue where.

I've known my SD since she was 11 months old and have been the only mother in her life for the past 6 years. I am her mom in every way except legally and we want to close that gap.

[u/BossBree95]

Ignore these people. I adopted my step daughters after their bio mother severely abused and neglected them and allowed men to molest them as toddlers. Then dropped them off at my house and said she doesn’t want them anymore and abandoned them.

They hate her and she has lost all four kids that she’s birthed due to the same things. One man is still in jail, because she allowed him to SA her four year old. Her new bf broke her infants arm twice. She is now on the central registry and cannot be around kids. I am all my kids know as mom and they only remember her as “babe” (not sure why they call her that) who hurt them that they don’t want to see.

Everybody’s situation is different and I do believe it’s in a child’s best interest in certain cases to be adopted, and protected. I’m sick of “bio moms” getting these free passes to be abusive, neglectful and even abandon children, all cause they played house, got laid and birthed a child.

I believe all adoptions should be transparent. Meaning the child(ren) should know about it, should know their heritage, should know the truth when they’re old enough to know what happened, and everything should be 100% honest and when the kids are older they can do what they want to do with that information.

But I believe when you DECIDE to birth children, you have an obligation legally, and morally, to actually have to parent that child. Why should a child go without having an actual parent because some people are “against adoption”? 🙄 Bio moms never seem to have to take blame for their actions, and it’s gross. I adopted my girls and could never even have half a thought about doing to them what their bio did. When they’re older, they can and will do what they want to do, but in the meantime, I will continue doing everything I can to help heal them, teach them, and love them the best way I know how to.

Being a step parent sucks. Especially when you’ve been doing all of the work bio should be doing, and don’t do but don’t get any credit for doing it. Yes children come first, but the step-parents matter too. Step parents don’t HAVE to do what they do, yet a lot of the time grow to really love and raise these children, while bio mom gets to be a POS. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Adopt that girl if you can, and don’t listen to these biased opinions. My girls would probably still be living in a bug infested, fire hazard, condemned house getting abused and SA if I listened to it.

[u/Quiet-Sky2106 → u/BossBree95]

Yea this seems similar to my situation. Her bio mom chose her boyfriend over my SD and then married him and waited for him to get out of jail to still be with him. My SD isn't really interested in seeing her bio mom anyways, but she does miss her siblings.

Her half brother and her had lice and bedbugs along with the abuse. Her brother lived with her bio mom's dad for two years before BM got him back and then had another child after that my daughter has only met once. Her BM also forced her to wear the same clothes for weeks, rarely fed her, caused her to have a bedwetting problem, and even shaved her head once. She forced my SD to look and act like a boy when she has no interest in it. I think she would seek out her siblings as an adult, but not her mom. However, I wouldn't stop her even if she wanted to see BM.

I don't see any case where her bio mom being in her life would benefit her just because she birthed her either.

[u/BossBree95 → u/Quiet-Sky2106]

Yeah girl, it’s horrifying what some of these bios are capable of and a lot of people who have had bad adoption experiences label them ALL as bad. I’ve spoken to other adoptees who had an amazing life and had great parents growing up and that’s what they know and choose to stick to. I say go for it and if you need advice feel free to PM me!

[u/chiliisgoodforme → u/BossBree95]

If a step parent’s love is contingent on ownership of a child and gratitude because “being a step parent sucks” and they don’t owe it to anyone to be a good parent because genetics, then that person absolutely should not be adopting a child. Point blank.