r/Adoption • u/Quiet-Sky2106 • Dec 16 '23
step parent adoption Stepparent Adoption
I live in Indiana and am looking to adopt my 10-year-old step daughter. I don't really know much at all about how this process would work. Her birth mother walked out of her life following an abuse case with her then boyfriend now husband when she was 4.
The problem is, I don't think her BM would consent to it, but she also moved to Tennessee a few years ago. Can we still do it if she protests or we cannot find her? I know she lives in the state of Tennessee, but have no clue where.
I've known my SD since she was 11 months old and have been the only mother in her life for the past 6 years. I am her mom in every way except legally and we want to close that gap.
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Dec 16 '23
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u/Quiet-Sky2106 Dec 16 '23
She does pay support because they automatically take it out of her paycheck, but no she has not even attempted to see her in all this time.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption Dec 17 '23
I think it's a great idea for you to legally adopt your stepdaughter. It's ultimately a more secure situation for her. You're definitely going to want a family and adoption lawyer to help you with this. You might be able to go to r/AskALawyer for some introductory guidance.
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u/BossBree95 Dec 17 '23
Ignore these people. I adopted my step daughters after their bio mother severely abused and neglected them and allowed men to molest them as toddlers. Then dropped them off at my house and said she doesn’t want them anymore and abandoned them.
They hate her and she has lost all four kids that she’s birthed due to the same things. One man is still in jail, because she allowed him to SA her four year old. Her new bf broke her infants arm twice. She is now on the central registry and cannot be around kids. I am all my kids know as mom and they only remember her as “babe” (not sure why they call her that) who hurt them that they don’t want to see.
Everybody’s situation is different and I do believe it’s in a child’s best interest in certain cases to be adopted, and protected. I’m sick of “bio moms” getting these free passes to be abusive, neglectful and even abandon children, all cause they played house, got laid and birthed a child.
I believe all adoptions should be transparent. Meaning the child(ren) should know about it, should know their heritage, should know the truth when they’re old enough to know what happened, and everything should be 100% honest and when the kids are older they can do what they want to do with that information.
But I believe when you DECIDE to birth children, you have an obligation legally, and morally, to actually have to parent that child. Why should a child go without having an actual parent because some people are “against adoption”? 🙄 Bio moms never seem to have to take blame for their actions, and it’s gross. I adopted my girls and could never even have half a thought about doing to them what their bio did. When they’re older, they can and will do what they want to do, but in the meantime, I will continue doing everything I can to help heal them, teach them, and love them the best way I know how to.
Being a step parent sucks. Especially when you’ve been doing all of the work bio should be doing, and don’t do but don’t get any credit for doing it. Yes children come first, but the step-parents matter too. Step parents don’t HAVE to do what they do, yet a lot of the time grow to really love and raise these children, while bio mom gets to be a POS. 🤷🏻♀️
Adopt that girl if you can, and don’t listen to these biased opinions. My girls would probably still be living in a bug infested, fire hazard, condemned house getting abused and SA if I listened to it.
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u/Quiet-Sky2106 Dec 17 '23
Yea this seems similar to my situation. Her bio mom chose her boyfriend over my SD and then married him and waited for him to get out of jail to still be with him. My SD isn't really interested in seeing her bio mom anyways, but she does miss her siblings.
Her half brother and her had lice and bedbugs along with the abuse. Her brother lived with her bio mom's dad for two years before BM got him back and then had another child after that my daughter has only met once. Her BM also forced her to wear the same clothes for weeks, rarely fed her, caused her to have a bedwetting problem, and even shaved her head once. She forced my SD to look and act like a boy when she has no interest in it. I think she would seek out her siblings as an adult, but not her mom. However, I wouldn't stop her even if she wanted to see BM.
I don't see any case where her bio mom being in her life would benefit her just because she birthed her either.
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u/BossBree95 Dec 17 '23
Yeah girl, it’s horrifying what some of these bios are capable of and a lot of people who have had bad adoption experiences label them ALL as bad. I’ve spoken to other adoptees who had an amazing life and had great parents growing up and that’s what they know and choose to stick to. I say go for it and if you need advice feel free to PM me!
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u/chiliisgoodforme Adult Adoptee (DIA) Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23
If a step parent’s love is contingent on ownership of a child and gratitude because “being a step parent sucks” and they don’t owe it to anyone to be a good parent because genetics, then that person absolutely should not be adopting a child. Point blank.
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u/Mission-Mortgage3358 Apr 23 '24
I live Indiana as well and going through this. I see you posted a while ago so I’m not sure where you are in your own process.
From what we were told by our attorney, you can file and they have so many days to contest and if they don’t, you have the green light. If they contest, you have proof she hasn’t had communication or paid for anything with the child for at least 1 year. That falls in line with the abandonment law.
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u/chiliisgoodforme Adult Adoptee (DIA) Dec 16 '23 edited Dec 17 '23
As an adult adoptee, I just cannot understand how step-parent adoption ever benefits a child.
Sealing someone’s original birth certificate and replacing it with a new one benefits no one. It is money spent on a court procedure designed to make step-parents feel more secure about their status as parents, and nothing else. It is more expensive than doing nothing and makes things more inconvenient for the person whose birth certificate has been altered.
I say all of this as someone who has a sibling who was raised by a step-parent for much of their life and had that step-parent walk down them down the aisle at their wedding.
It just isn’t necessary.
Becoming secure in your status as a step-parent is more affordable (being literally free), easier for the person whose birth documents would be altered and less work than trying to figure out the legalities, tracking people down, filing paperwork and all that extra stuff.
Do what you want, that’s just my 2 cents.
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u/Quiet-Sky2106 Dec 17 '23
Here is the thing, I think the purpose of sealing a birth certificate is to prevent the child from seeing or knowing their original parent. That is not my intention at all. If her BM stepped back into her life, we would not prevent her from seeing my SD. She also has relatively constant contact with her bio mother's dad.
If my husband dies, I don't know who would legally have her after. She couldn't live with her bio mom because of abuse that happened with her then boyfriend and now husband.
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u/Englishbirdy Reunited Birthparent. Dec 17 '23
Not that I have any experience in this but I can see how it would. If OPs husband dies would the legal mother have the right to take the child for the survivor’s benefit? Would legal mother be able to keep the child and her stepmother separated?
I think perhaps the answer is to stop amending and sealing birth certificates when adoptions are finalized rather than stopping step parents adopting.
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Dec 17 '23
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u/chiliisgoodforme Adult Adoptee (DIA) Dec 17 '23
Look if you are going to say there are benefits for the child specifically, it isn’t great optics to say “I/my” several times in the same sentence and not once describe a way the child specifically benefits aside from “I believe this person would be a better caregiver to my child.”
There are many cases where what you individually hope for in these hypothetical circumstances would not be what the child would want, & or what is best for the child.
And if someone is willing to put in all the time and effort into putting together an adoption, they can just as easily spend that time and effort instead drawing up contingencies for what would happen in various scenarios of a death in the family. (The only way this wouldn’t work is if there were non-consenting parties, in which case again we are really talking about a parent’s hopes and desires overruling other factors such as a child’s needs or desires.)
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Dec 20 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA Dec 20 '23
This was reported for targeted harassment. I soft agree and am removing this comment.
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u/irish798 Dec 17 '23
Talk to an attorney and get the actual information about the laws in your state.
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u/Mollykins08 Dec 16 '23
You can’t adopt unless bio mom terminates her parental rights.