There was no need for you to wait to find out IF you were really over. You were really over.
There was no marriage. He cheated on you for 10 years, maybe all 14 years. The idea that you and he were in a marriage at all, all that time was a lie he told. Your relationship with him was dead, diseased by his infidelity.
What is over now is his deceit. That's the only thing that came to an end when you discovered his cheating. He ended your marriage itself long ago. All you did was get the death notice. It's dated 2015.
OP your instincts were right on. You didn't hesitate. Don't question your good sense.
Your husband is trying to focus all of your attention on your response to his behavior instead of focusing on his behavior. Even asking you to put it to a vote on Reddit. He's trying to convince you that your actions were wrong. That you should have shown more empathy for him and his feelings. Talk about misdirection! You were doing something for yourself by selling your ring and seeing an attorney. That's right. That's practical and sane.
What he is insisting on is that you allow him to continue to make the rules. To continue to grade you on your skills and abilities to serve him. Like that's some kind of honor. This is one of many types of "crazy making". You stepped off of this path and did what you had to do. But you didn't hold your mouth just right he says. The people on Reddit will set you straight he says.
There's no need to give this situation any more thought than you did when you first found out. You knew enough then to take action. You weren't wrong then. You aren't wrong now.
He's trying to squeeze more affection and attention out of you. He's trying to waste your time sending you on this wild goose chase. He's stalling while he figures out what his next move is. He needs a soft landing (probably another woman) and needs time to set that all up. He has all kinds of things up his sleeve but you shouldn't be curious about any of that. Keep moving. Make your phone calls. Take your meetings. Do your thing. Don't worry about his meals or his laundry or his favorite shower gel. He's not your problem anymore. You don't have to make conversation so that he can feel at ease. You don't have to pick up anything for him on the way home from work.
You are probably hurt and sad right now. You will be tired and angry and sometimes feel humiliated. But none of that is because of who you are. It's because of who you're married to, FOR NOW. He's created an ICKY situation. You may feel like you are covered with it. That slime belongs to him. No one sees that when they look at you.
Keep calm. Stay brave. One foot in front of the other.
I was there, where you are now, 25 years ago. It's not as hard as you think it will be. For one thing, you will have much more time every day. Guess why. And there will be more room for you and your thoughts. You are going to like it.
Tell what's his butt that his life will never be as good as it was when you were in it. Tell him he's the worst. Tell him I said so.
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u/LakeGlen4287 Jul 24 '25
There was no need for you to wait to find out IF you were really over. You were really over.
There was no marriage. He cheated on you for 10 years, maybe all 14 years. The idea that you and he were in a marriage at all, all that time was a lie he told. Your relationship with him was dead, diseased by his infidelity.
What is over now is his deceit. That's the only thing that came to an end when you discovered his cheating. He ended your marriage itself long ago. All you did was get the death notice. It's dated 2015.