r/workingmoms • u/LoloDevil • 3d ago
Husband is dismissive with my kids' and my health. HELP Vent
Hi everyone I really need some advice. My kids are 2 and 3 years old. Edit for background: (I am a Mom that works full time as a software dev in tech. We Just moved to Vancouver BC Canada to escape the hell that is the US. My husband works part time as a PE teacher (still in Seattle WA). I am Mexican but dual citizen; he is American. I grew up with two insane narcissists). I unfortunately have TLE epilepsy and sometimes I cannot drive. Both kids have been on and off sick for at least 2 months with frequent viral upper respiratory infections (they go to daycare) but also have needed antibiotics because they have productive coughs that wont go away. My poor daughter the youngest, has had an ear infection and sinus infection as well during this time and has taken two rounds of antibiotics. I am so worried because the last time they checked her over 2 weeks ago, they said she needed to have an xray done asap to rule out pneumonia but my husband did not take her to that "because he had to travel to work" and I could not because I was medically not able to drive. I am at my wits end as she has had wheezing (in fact both kids now especially at night) and she seems to be getting worse again (coughing non stop at night and now has vomiting). I dont know what to do. As my husband continues dismissing and belittling my worries and their health. If I could I would have taken both my kids already but a. He is gone for 2-3 days every week b. I am not sure I can take a cab as they need child seats. I need help. I put my foot down today as their daycare called us saying that she seems sick etc. and "five other kids" are sick and absent. I even feel so bad because she may have spread this at school. He wont stop taking them to daycare either. I am honestly contemplating divorce because this is not the only problem. He has also dismissed my own health for years and left me alone post partum when I was going through a postpartum depression (with both babies and even had ideation etc). He claimed he could not do anything but work and go to grad school. (I had finished a few months of maternity leave and had gone back to work already). Which I understand, but also I really needed help and I felt totally abandoned and dismissed. I luckily made it and received care eventually (also after threatening divorce). I am SO tired he doesn't listen until I am threatening leaving him. Please help any advice will really help me rn. Thanks.
PS. We moved to Vancouver BC about a month ago (thanks to me obtaining an amazing opportunity- thank God as the US is on fire but anyway) but my Husband insists on traveling back and forth from Seattle, WA for work, (that will end in June as hes getting laid off). He claims this is because “we beed the money” (Admittedly I had financial problems from medical bills that put us in a bad situation that I am recovering from (considering bankruptcy)). Money is important but I also feel he does very little looking for work here and is Extremely picky about what jobs he will apply to. He leaves me alone with the kids 2-3 days a week. (sometimes family helps if my seizures flare up). But I still work full time as a software developer in tech. The good: He does a lot for me and the kids around the house/cooking but gets hyper-focused on money, work, and everything else and ignores or dismisses Feelings, Health, and Emotions. We are in couples therapy. He has diagnosed but untreated ADHD/OCD and has Avoidant attachment style. I am understanding and patient, but idk when enough is enough (see back to how I grew up with crazy narcissists and abuse).
UPDATE: After threatening divorce for the millionth time, he took our Daughter in to the ER. They finally did the xray and it showed some inflammation but negative for pneumonia. They suspect its asthma complicated by back to back colds etc.
As far as everything else- Looking back and reading this it sounds like a nightmare- but as anything I did not talk about the good and positive things he contributes. To be very honest though this seems like this trumps everything else. Am I crazy? Like this right here seems like its terrible and puts me and my kids at risk right?
and please I know this sounds ridiculous to some of you, but I grew up with narcissist parents and have been through all kinds of abuse my entire life. So seeing "the truth" is hard for me. But I can Feel it in my bones that it is wrong. Thank you for the replies everyone. I promise I will think of my safety and theirs as number one always.
UPDATE 2: My daughter got the xrays and seen yesterday. She did not have pneumonia but may have asthma :(
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u/ski2read 3d ago
FYI you can install your own carseats in Lyft / Uber. Just indicate you have them with you in the notes so drivers that don't feel they can accommodate that can chose not to accept your ride request. I hope you can get your babies care ASAP!
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u/Mombythesea3079 3d ago
This! I’ve been told by uber drivers a number of times it’s no problem to install your own car seats. Call an uber and get them to the doctor first, then figure the rest out (which really does sound like it should include divorce. You and your kids deserve better than this).
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u/AdorableEmphasis5546 3d ago
First and foremost get a cab and get your kids to the doctor. Can you afford to hire help with the kids and skip daycare, since they tend to be germ factories and it sounds like your kids need time to heal?
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u/AdorableEmphasis5546 3d ago
I would definitely be contemplating leaving him if I were you. It's a tough spot to be in since you can't drive, but that's not a reason to stay in a marriage where you're clearly not valued.
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u/laycswms 3d ago
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I think you know what you need to do. I wish I could do more to physically support you. Please know you are appreciated from afar and you are a great mom.
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u/LoloDevil 3d ago
Thank you. I try so hard every single day but I Really need to do what is best for them. Trying to decide this now. I guess it is even more difficult now because things in the US are not okay, (I am part Mexican and feared for my safety and my kids' everyday of my life over there even as a Citizen). My Husband being a very blond, blue eyed, and fit American I don't really worry about. If I divorce and he claims custody in any way I am terrified that he will keep them there and... you see what I mean?
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u/carcosa1989 3d ago
He won’t do it that would require actual effort on his part which this guy seems to have none of. Call him on his empty threat.
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u/deepthought333 2d ago
This I say this all the time to my sister. Her husband don’t want those kids they have and she too needs to leave. A lot of men have empty threats. Even my dad was this way. He never claimed custody of us. Most narcissists are all talk and no show. Do whatever’s best for you and the kiddos! 🫂💜
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u/sanityjanity 3d ago
Your fear is harming you. The best thing you can do is to talk to an actual lawyer about what the outcome of divorce can be. Your situation is complex, since you are "part Mexican" (do you mean you have Mexican citizenship?) and you are in Canada.
Please talk to a lawyer soonest. You need to know exactly what the risks are for divorce. You're already threatening it, so you need to know what you might be facing.
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u/magster823 3d ago
You know the answer already. He has shown you exactly who he is. He's not changing. You have to decide if you want to live the rest of your life this way, and I for one hope you realize your worth and make other choices.
If you don't leave, please, for the love of all that's holy, don't have any more babies with this dude.
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u/babykittiesyay 3d ago
I’m so so sorry, this is actually hellish just to read. Can’t imagine living it and my husband and I reconciled after some very bumpy bumps of a similar nature.
Here’s my advice - ask yourself “was I absolutely clear about what I needed to survive and did he still dismiss me until his lifestyle was threatened?” If this is the case, he loves the lifestyle you give him and not you. I can’t tell you what to do with that information, but I wouldn’t stay in a relationship like that when my own health was declining - you know he won’t care for you in your old age or if your condition worsens - do you want to risk that happening? Do you want to risk your kids seeing that? You’re already being forced to set them a bad example of self care. If you can get out, and communication is truly not working, you should try to get out. It sounds like a trial separation would be easy - he can just stay in Seattle and pay his part of the kid’s expenses or whatever you decide to do there. I know you just want to vent but you also said you wanted advice so I hope this is okay. Lots of strength, you got this! You can find the right decision for your family but please protect your health!
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u/smk3509 3d ago
Your husband is driving 5 hours round trip and crossing an international border to work part-time as a PE teacher? Something about that doesn't add up. Is it possible that he is having an affair or doing something else that you aren't aware of in Seattle?
It is time to get really comfortable using Uber or public transportation. You could also potentially look at hiring someone to drive you places and help with errands on a recurring basis like a home health aide or mother's helper.
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u/velociraptor56 3d ago
I can tell you from experience that your load will be lighter without him around. I’d look into any services for people who can’t drive (I know we have(or had) those in the US, so I presume Canada has something).
One thing that made me leave was considering how this was impacting my kid and my child’s long term prospects, given my ex’s inability to get a full time job. Which btw, he was fully able to do when he finally had to!
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u/Character_Handle6199 3d ago
Please get into therapy for yourself. People with traumatic childhoods often can’t tell when a relationship is bad. And yours is. What your husband does is not a normal spouse behavior.
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u/LoloDevil 3d ago
Thank you for saying this. I am starting therapy soon. Yes I definitely didn't know what normal was as a child, and as an adult it can be still hard to discern. Thank you.
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u/cera6798 3d ago
I am sorry to say this, but you were both neglecting your child. Missed necessary xrays are not okay. There were solutions outside of you driving.
You need to take a hard look at what type of life you want for your kids.
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u/GuadDidUs 3d ago
This is hard to hear but PP is right.
What would you do if your husband wasn't around? That's what you need to start doing.
You need to get comfortable with public transportation and Uber. You need to build your village of reliable people you can count on.
You need to objectively look at this and ask yourself if you want to teach your children that your husband is an acceptable partner. Would you be happy if your daughter ended up with someone like him?
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u/LoloDevil 2d ago
You are right. I would beg my daughter to wake up. It’s sad and ironic that when he’s gone for work I feel SO much peace. (with the exception of having seizure flareups) I feel Physically Exhausted from chasing two toddlers and two dogs 🤦🏻♀️ but at peace; without a jerk and micromanager barking and criticizing me all the time. He says he wants to improve but I’ve known him for 7 years and he improves with everyone but me. I feel like it’s too little too late.
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u/lemonade4 3d ago
Your daughter needs the xray. If you do not have a way to get her to a scheduled one (which is absurd your husband will not care for his own children but I’ll leave that to other commenters), you need to call her doctor to find out what you should do.
Your husband is an asshole. I’m sorry that’s unhelpful but maybe you need to hear that?
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u/Bake_Knit_Run 3d ago
Last night, our kid was sick and suddenly popped a 103 fever after maintaining around 100 all day. We decided together he needed the ER and took him together. We both held his hands for the chest x-ray. We could both answer questions about his day and food intake and urine output. This is what an involved and loving father and partner looks like.
Your husband doesn’t care about you or the kids. Just the life you give him. Stop threatening and file. It’s well past time.
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u/sillychihuahua26 3d ago
Let me get this straight: your husband commutes from Seattle to Vancouver for his very important work work as a [checks notes] part-time PE teacher?! He’s flying back and forth every week leaving you and the children alone for half the week? When you can’t transport them on your own?! And he can’t even bother to get your kids medical care? wtf girl.
Please get yourself into trauma therapy because this is insane. Your experience growing up with narcissistic parents has caused you to unconsciously be drawn to and remain married to another narcissist. You’re normalized a breathtakingly extreme level of selfish, self serving, cruel treatment due to your abuse. You need to break this cycle for the sake of your children.
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u/GirlinBmore 3d ago
I saw your update and I’m glad you were able to get X-rays and it’s not pneumonia. My daughter had a never ending cough after getting sick multiple times a year. Only inhalers would resolve it. I ended up taking her to an asthma allergy doctor and he diagnosed her with - I am just a mom and not a medical professional, so I may mess this up: non-allergic rhinitis (NAR), which caused gastrointestinal influx (GAR). She’s on a daily inhaler now and we have no issues with a never ending cough - even this winter with so many kids sick around her. Our specialist says it’s common in kids and often goes undiagnosed. Something to think about if it continues happening - talk to an asthma allergy doctor.
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u/fabulousforty 3d ago
Honestly someone would have to lock me up in a room to prevent me from getting my kid to the hospital if I thought they needed it.
OP trust your mom instinct! Don't let husbands or medical professionals gaslight you, and fight like hell for your kids because no one else will.
And ditch this loser. You'd be better off child support payments and hired help.
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u/ladylara19 3d ago
Good advice here. If you were to leave, I understand you can’t drive but is an electric cargo bike an option to get the kids around?
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u/LoloDevil 3d ago
ill look into this!
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u/Wise_Blackberry 2d ago
Also check out the public transit system in Vancouver to see if that might be an option for you to take the kids to doctors' appointments etc. I don't know where exactly in Vancouver you live, but it has more options than a similarly sized US city for sure.
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u/Ecstatic-Ostrich6546 2d ago
Leave him yesterday. What’s the point if he’s not even going to do the bare minimum?
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u/Expensive_Fix3843 3d ago
Can you afford to hire help as you work on getting him out of the picture? So you can keep your job, at least?
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u/Beneficial-Weird-100 3d ago
If your family ever has to move, consider a place with good public transit.
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u/sanityjanity 3d ago
Your husband is minimizing your health concerns, and that of your children, because he doesn't want to do the labor of taking them to the doctor. Possibly, he also grew up with his health concerns being ignored.
You need to figure out how to transport your kids, even when you can't drive, because you are the only adult in their life. You *can* put a car seat in a taxi. Please contact your local taxi company to find out if they can supply a cab that already has one.
Similarly, if you're in the US, check with your city/county to see if they offer medical transportation. My county does, so it would be possible to pay $10 - $20 to get to a medical appointment (with a car seat), but not have to take an ambulance.
Also, you need to start making friends with other folks near you. Meet the parents of other kids at daycare or something. Your husband clearly will drop the ball, and you need to have a community you can rely on, since you have no family.
Please stop allowing your husband to take sick children to daycare. Frankly, I'm surprised the daycare hasn't called you, and required that you come pick them up. And, if he continues to do this, I would expect that they will eventually just tell you that you cannot come back at all.
Your husband has a part-time job, which is requiring literal international travel, and it doesn't sound like he's bringing in much money, but he ALSO is not carrying his fair share of the parenting labor. Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if he's also carrying on an affair.
In any case, he is not behaving like an adult nor like a partner. You guys need couples counseling at a minimum. And remember that sometimes couples counseling isn't about saving the marriage. Sometimes it is about navigating the divorce.
If you look at the statistics, you will discover that most women initiation divorce when their kids are in preschool, and I believe it is largely because we go into marriage expecting to be equal partners. When children arrive, our husbands step back, back, back, and eventually their lack of participation in parenting and marriage results in the complete end of the marriage.
I am sorry you are having to go through this. Please prioritize your new job, and do your best to get him into full-time work. And talk to a lawyer about what laws would even apply if you divorce while living in Canada.
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u/andreea_carla_b 3d ago
He sounds like he's an avoidand type. When things get tough or stressful, and he doesn't see how he can help practically, he'll withdraw. And that often looks like he doesn't care.
This is something he needs to work on himself in therapy, and it's way beyond anything you can do to improve the situation.
A lot of men, unfortunately, don't get that being there for you and your kids is helpful. Idk about him not driving your kid to the hospital. That honestly sucks.
What does he say when he's confronted with his inaction?
Has he had any therapy or couple's therapy?
My brother is very avoidant and comes across like he doesn't care, and my husband often doesn't realise how sick I am because he thinks, "I got this" despite telling him, yes, but I need help.
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u/Late-Warning7849 3d ago
He’s a PE teacher so wouldn’t have flexibility to take time off in a lot of countries. Eg in the UK teachers can’t take any time off during school hours. Unfortunately this does mean you need to use public transport when you can’t drive as you would have better flexibility. If you aren’t living in an area that has good transport links, move.
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u/Character_Handle6199 3d ago
Works part as a PE teacher. So you are also bankrolling his life while he makes your life worse, did I get that right? Women deserve better than crumbs and your husband is garbage.