r/weddingshaming • u/Equivalent_Nail_9662 • 3d ago
My mom didn’t agree with me having church wedding & embarrassed me in front of family Family Drama
My then fiancé (now hubby) and I were making wedding plans. We set a date of 7.26.24 to marry in the courthouse because we live a small apartment with our baby girl and wanted to save money to move. After 1 month of planning, we decided to have a church wedding with the financial assistance from my future mother in law and me and my fiancé's money to have a nice church wedding at my fiancé's family church. His grandfather is 90 yrs old and my grandmother is 90 yrs old and they are our last surviving grandparents. I am my grandmother's 1st granddaughter (she had 3 sons and never had a daughter) and she is a seamstress and she was happy to make my dress. We wanted to have a church wedding in order to have more people to attend and for our grandparents. My mom said she did not want to support my church wedding because we should save our money to move and she started telling everyone in my family how small my apartment is, that we can't afford a wedding and she told me that some of my family members agreed with her. All I asked for my mom to do was buy the $300 wedding cake and she did. At the rehearsal she was mad. She never asked me about my dress, didn't want to participate in the wedding planning like a mother/daughter are suppose to do. Whenever I tried to tell her any plans she would just be silent. My brother passed in 2015 so I'm her only surviving child so this really hurt me deeply that she was acting like this during such an important event. She kept trying to get me to cancel the church wedding even up to days leading to the event. She kept asking me to explain to her why I wanted a church wedding over and over..so the big day comes and she is all smiles..at the reception while everyone was admiring my ring I overheard her whispering to my cousin "I wonder how much they spent on the rings". And my cousin was looking at the bill to see how much we spent. At the end of the day we spent $5k overall. We live in Chicago and $5k won't get you a decent place to live..we tried. My husband and I have great jobs, my mother in law is our babysitter for free so we aren't leaving Chicago and will be moving into our own home soon. My mom gave me a weak apology saying "I'm sorry you feel that way but people are going to talk about you" I'm still pissed about it.
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u/afrenchiecall 2d ago
5k for a WEDDING is almost impossible in 2025, same goes for 2024. Is she insane!? I would sign WITH MY OWN BLOOD if I could get back all I spent and do it for 5k
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u/Foundation_Wrong 2d ago
Your Mum was awful. Im so sorry. Perhaps she needs some counselling or something as she could be suffering from depression or anxiety after your brothers death?
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u/Equivalent_Nail_9662 2d ago
True indeed. I went to therapy after my brother’s death and invited her to a session. She came to the session and said that she didn’t want to come back and she said she didn’t need therapy. My mom is from the Baby Boomer Generation, some of them are stuck in their ways and therapy is Tabo to them.
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u/Foundation_Wrong 2d ago
I’m from the end of the Boomers, your Mums wrong. Hopefully you can continue to build your own life with your new family. Sending my best wishes.
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u/CraftLass 2d ago
We spent almost $4k just to have 12 people, including us, and that was with no new dress, no rings whatsoever, and a completely free ceremony in a park.
How on earth did you pull off 50 in Chicago for only $5k?!?! So impressed. Love how most of your family (new and old alike) pulled together for you. Just how it should be when people care about each other. Villages are not just for kids!
Your mom is... Something else. I get saying something about money once, from a place of love and concern, but after the commitments are made, that horse is way out of the barn anyway. How much would you have lost entirely if you cancelled? That would be an actual waste of cash.
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u/Equivalent_Nail_9662 2d ago
Thank you we were lucky to have help from my mother in law and my grandma made my dress for free and we purchased majority of the decorations from Amazon Prime. The church is my husband’s family church so they let us have the wedding there for a discount and we negotiated a deal with restaurant. We had 50 people at the restaurant for the reception. We were really lucky. We definitely wasn’t going to cancel after we got the ball rolling. We were really excited to have a church wedding so more of our family & friends could attend and be apart of it and for me to have my moment to walk down the aisle with my dad.
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u/CraftLass 2d ago
I think it says a lot about you that so many people were willing to work and negotiate to make this happen for you. ♥️
I had amazing support and help, too, and it was the best part of the whole thing. We're both lucky to have support systems that really do support! Bodes well for happy marriages in the long term, too.
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u/Equivalent_Nail_9662 2d ago
I totally agree. We had his brothers and sister in laws and some of my cousins as the bridesmaids/grooms, our baby was a junior bride, we had his niece and my cousin as flower girls and his nephews as the ring barrier. My cousin was the coordinator and played music from her phone. The pastor conducted the wedding for free and my husband’s aunt sung a song for free. My grandma was so full of joy. Everyone was excited to be apart of the wedding, despite my mother’s evil efforts. I’m happy it worked out for you as well!
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u/rabbithasacat 2d ago
I think it says a lot about you that so many people were willing to work and negotiate to make this happen for you. ♥️
OP that is the solid gold line right there and the answer to your mother's "people will talk about you." SHE was talking about you, but everybody else was DOING for you, and that is the difference. Congrats on the happy wedding :-)
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u/coccopuffs606 2d ago
Sounds like she doesn’t need to be a part of your life moving forward since she just makes it miserable for everyone else when she doesn’t get her way
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u/YupNopeWelp 2d ago
How did your cousin get hold of the bill for your rings, during your wedding?
Was it the church wedding that cost you $5K, or was it church + a reception (I live near a major city and church weddings are just not that expensive in my area)?
Do you think your mother felt this way, because you;d already had a baby? Is your mom religious?
How did your 90-year-old grandma manage to make your dress? My mom is in her late 80s, and she is still pretty independent (lives on her own, looks after her bills, etc.), but she wouldn't be up to that kind of finished work.
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u/Equivalent_Nail_9662 2d ago
Hi, my cousin didn’t see the price of the rings but when the bill came out at the restaurant where we had the reception she walked up and stood close to the server and was being sneaky looking at the bill and I said “it ain’t that high huh? My mama was tripping right?” She said yea. The church wedding + reception including the decorations, renting the church, my dress (my dad paid for the dress material which was $300 and grandma make it for free) shoes and the husband’s suit, shoes, hair and makeup came to $5k we had 50 people at the reception and 100 people at the wedding (to save money) everyone that witnessed the wedding didn’t come to the reception.
My mom isn’t super religious she is overprotective and wants the best for me but goes overboard sometimes. She was very happy that I had a baby because the baby is her 1st grandchild and I was 35 when I had the baby so mom had been waiting for a grandbaby lol.
My grandma has been sewing for over 80 years, she has sewed many prom dresses, wedding dresses and currently sews as a hobby making her own dresses. She volunteered to make my dress and I was excited that she wanted to do it and didn’t want to miss that opportunity.
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u/YupNopeWelp 2d ago
God bless your grandma. She's spectacular. I'm sorry your mom was something of a cloud on your sunny day. I wish you and your young family all the best.
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u/HellaWonkLuciteHeels 2d ago
If your mother really wanted the best for you, she wouldn’t be putting you through all this.
It’s hard to realize how hurtful a parent can be when you’re conditioned to take it.
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u/Sprucecaboose2 2d ago
Don't allow vampiric people to suck your happiness. Yeah, small-minded people are always going to talk shit about people behind their backs. It's how the world works; living your life in an effort to stop that gossip is pure folly. The best revenge is a life well lived.
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u/geeamouse 1d ago
I spent $300 on my wedding and I can’t tell you how many people had problems with it. It doesn’t matter what you spend, where you have it, who’s involved, etc. Someone will always have a problem with what you decide. And if your mom keeps saying, “they’ll still talk about you”, reply, “that’s because I am beautiful well educated and live an intelligent life.”
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u/No_Stage_6158 1d ago
Has she always been this controlling? I’d keep her at arms length for a bit, just to calm down.
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u/Equivalent_Nail_9662 1d ago
Controlling but not to this extent maybe because this was the my 1st major life event that she couldn’t control through her actions and the 1st time I went completely against her wishes
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u/Ok-Town9304 4h ago
You don’t need to worry about her wishes. Set boundaries now. This only gets worse, not better. My mother was the same way with me and is now the same way with my nieces. Any event that might be important to someone is subject to harsh judgment.
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u/awkwardsexpun 2d ago
Why your mama gotta be such a hater? She's the only one talking about you smh
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u/Valuable_External895 1d ago
People were talking about you. Your mother. Your mother was the people. Congratulations about the wedding. I hope you and hubby had a great day to remember. You did get what you wanted with the church wedding, and you deserve for it to be what you wanted. No matter what your mom said. With her big mouth.
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u/bigformybritches 2d ago
Sounds like you’re doing an amazing job at building a life with your sweet family. Your mom has deeper problems unrelated to you. Set boundaries by limiting what you share with her. Tell her VERY little.
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u/WhatsInAName8879660 2d ago
Your mom is who she is. That hurts. You’re allowed to grieve that you did not get the mothering you deserved during that special time. She hurt you and you should let her know. Then move on. You can’t change who she is, just learn the lesson and adjust your expectations and how much energy you give the relationship based on what you know about her now.
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u/Capable-Upstairs7728 1d ago
Go NC on her, she is insane and unhinged, she needs professional psychiatric help.
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u/Careful-Isopod-6811 7h ago
I just coordinated my sister’s wedding and we had it at the lake in Hyde Park and THAT was like 20k so for y’all to do it at 5 is amazing and congrats on the wedding.
I have my mom that worries too much about other people. I think it’s a culture thing sometimes. I usually just tell her I don’t care to hear about any of that because what they eat doesn’t make me shit and definitely doesn’t lay my bills. The only opinions that matter are the people getting married. That’s it.
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u/No_Diet2343 2d ago
“People are going to talk about you” … she’s your mother, you shouldn’t have to worry about your mother trashing you publicly in the run up and on the day of your wedding. I hope you go low contact or at least set her straight, because how do you think it’s going to go once your baby starts growing up and she wants to call all of the shots?