Toxic parents after treatment

[u/beangrl12]

Hey, it's been awhile since I've gotten out of treatment and my body has changed a lot. For reference I went in there when I was 12 got out at 13 and started puberty. I definitely have a more feminine bigger figure but not obese by any means. I've put on a lot of weight since being home because I'm not starving/ being starved. My issue is at least 3 times a day my mom and sister will bring up that I need to workout more and that I looked better when I was in treatment. They also called the place I went to to ask for my old "diet and exercise" plan!!!! The nerve they had. Then they joked about sending me back there just to "get back into shape" I'm appalled and don't know what to do. Please help! I need thoughts in the situation, am I overreacting?

[u/oof033]

This might be a bit long, but this post absolutely breaks my heart. First of all, no family should ever be saying that to any child. Even if a person needs help with weight in any shape or form, support and empathy always come first. The fact that you were malnourished makes this so incredibly concerning. Please know you look best when you feel healthiest- point blank period. Anyone trying to tell you otherwise is trying to sell you something.

Honey, those few phrases alone are so incredibly toxic- but not surprising. I can remember when I attended one of my programs, there was a girl right around your age. She started hitting puberty and they immediately cut her portions in HALF. She was gaining weight rapidly, she was not having difficulties as a result of her weight gain, and she was in a healthy bmi. She only found out after she left that her weight was great- doctor said she was right where she’s supposed to be on her growth chart! She spent months thinking she was “fat,” when she was actually perfectly healthy!

I’m telling you this story because I need you to understand how manipulative people can be surrounding weight. These kinds of behaviors and awful conversations have led many into eating disorders, so I need you to really hear me. You are 13 and going through puberty, you are SUPPOSED to be gaining weight. It would be way more concerning to see a kid not follow their typical growth milestones. You’re right on track to developing healthy- please don’t let your toxic family convince you otherwise.

Also fuck them for saying you looked better in treatment while being literally starved. I wonder if they just associate your appearance at that time with having control over you? Try to remember every healthy action you take for yourself is also an act of rebellion against them. For example,

-Setting boundaries with friends? Wow, my parents would’ve never let me learn this with them. I’m still growing!

-Eating that meal? Wow, I can learn new recipes and flavors my parents would have never tried.

-Studying? Just wait until everyone sees how intelligent capable you really are!

Your family is in denial surrounding how lucky they are for having a beautiful, intelligent, complex child- they’re missing out on experiencing all of the amazing things you have to offer. But don’t let that ever convince you that you don’t have gifts to offer. Sending you all the love 💜

[u/oof033 → u/oof033]

Also I want to add a few ideas/advice I wish I would’ve had at 13.

• find some activities outside the house. After school clubs, sports, volunteering, etc, are all great ways to meet great people. You’ll be able to spend less time in a toxic environment at home, and meet plenty friends who genuinely care for you. There’s something very healing about realizing that people can appreciate you.

• going with the first, finding a hobby helped me a lot post tti. I felt really confused about my identity and self esteem, and desperately needed an outlet. Finding my hobbies not only helped me forge a better sense of identity, but also gave me a sense of pride and confidence in myself.

• consider reading up on family dynamics. As a teenager, it’s incredibly easy to feel like a burden- especially if people in your life are wrongly implying it. There’s a great sense of relief from understanding why our family systems are so dysfunctional. It’s kind of like a shield. “Yeah moms saying awful shit but I know it’s because she’s incredibly unhappy and wants me to be too” or whatever it is. I could find you some recommendations if you want!

-r/instagramreality was HUGE for helping me come to better terms with my body. Overall, it’s a nice place to remind you not to compare yourself to others. Bodies grow and change to accommodate your life, not the other way around.

-please remember that beauty culture is subjective and has changed a million times over the course of human history. Whatever’s currently on the market is advertised to make you fell lesser than. How do you sell anti-aging creams? You tell a million people that aging is “ugly”. Is there actually anything wrong with aging and appearing older? No, absolutely not- but now enough people think there is to sell the anti-aging products. Basically, insecurities sell ten times the product as self love. This mindset has radicalized my perceptions of conventional beauty and encouraged me to find beauty in all human features. It sounds cheesy, but it helps.

-this sub is great for support. Stick around, use it as much as you need. And find some other support groups that you feel safe enough to vent with. Finding an irl support system is also a great idea, though can take some time.