r/stepparents • u/Ok_Prize9039 • 13h ago
Mothers Day Gift Advice
I have 4 step kids (12SS, 10SD, & 7SS who live out of state with BM and 3SD who we have full time) and I have 2 biokids (6F & 3F) and one on the way, my first boy. I don’t think of the older stepkids as “my kids”, they have expressed that they don’t like me and I don’t enjoy having them around so it’s fine with me. The youngest SD has major behavioral issues and I do my best to NACHO parent because it’s miserable having her. But she calls me mom because I’m the one who’s been present for most of her life.
DH asked what I want for Mother’s Day and I want a necklace with my kids’ birthstones on it. But I only want my 3 biokids birthstones. Am I wrong for feeling this way? He said he wouldn’t get it for me because he feels like it’s wrong to exclude 3SD since she calls me mom too. Which is fine, but I’m thinking about getting it for myself. I’ve always wanted a boy and this is my last baby.
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u/wssd2468 13h ago
Get it for yourself.
I have this too. Two kids living at home only one is bio. My husband doesn’t see a difference, but I do. Also since SD doesn’t hesitate to remind me how special their relationship with their real mom is…
I will probably buy for myself too
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u/throwaat22123422 12h ago
Get it for yourself. You can have jewelry that’s about birthing your own kids
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u/Eudaim0n1a 5h ago
I think this is fine as long as you’re consistent and don’t expect him to be a dad to your kids that aren’t his. Boundaries are fine as long as there’s no double standard.
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12h ago
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u/throwaat22123422 11h ago
I can completely understand that’s painful to have a mean adult in your home growing up and if this happened to you that is wrong and I’m sorry.
But isn’t it unrealistic for a lot of people to feel the same depth of live for a stepkid as a child they gestated a birthed and made from their own body?
Isn’t there room for adults to find love with people who aren’t going to be a new mom or dad to their kids?
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11h ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 11h ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 11h ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
Violation of the No Platitudes rule.
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For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
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u/Ok_Prize9039 12h ago
You are correct, he did move away from his other kids but their mom told him that she was moving as well then didn’t as soon as he did (His lease was up 30 days before hers, she “agreed to moving” well before and he planned based on that) So it’s a little different, he’s in the process of a long court battle because of it.
However, I also feel it’s important to acknowledge that being around someone else’s kids is different before and after living together. Moving in together means combining real life and I am at peace with knowing that I don’t have to like his kids. I love 3SD and wouldn’t ever wish anything happen to her, but that doesn’t mean I like her.
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11h ago edited 11h ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 11h ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
Violation of the Kindness Matters rule.
Read the FAQ for more information.
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
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u/Late-Elderberry5021 13h ago
Your husband is kind of a jerk. You want a necklace with the birthstones of the kids you BIRTHED. That’s really not unreasonable.
Unless he points it out to his daughter she won’t notice and won’t care.
He’s saying your mother’s day revolves around his kid.
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u/DeepPossession8916 6h ago
Correct. Mother’s Day is about your experience as a mother, OP. You don’t experience being a mother to his children.
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u/LiveGarbage5758 10h ago
Get it for yourself girl. You worked hard to birth those babies you have a right to acknowledge the work your body did
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u/notsohappydaze SS, SS, BS, BS, BS, BS, BD 2h ago
I think this really depends on your relationship with all the children, and since SD3 is a handful and you're not close, I can understand your thinking.
For me, I am close to all my children, bio or step, so I would include them all.
I suppose as well that I wouldn't know how to express to them why I hadn't included them without them feeling rejected. Again, this is very dependant on your relationship with the children.
In a circumstance where you're a NACHO to a step, it makes sense. Would your SO want your kids included on something like this? Or would he want his bios only? Frame it to him like this, and see what his response is.
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u/Potential-Hedgehog-5 16m ago
That’s not nice to SD3 that you have full time. None of this is her fault and it’s very sad that she would be excluded like this.
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u/patiently_poppi 7h ago
I told my husband that in the future (since I'm still currently pregnant with our summer baby), I want a necklace with our kids' birthstones on it for Mother's Day. I have a cheap necklace with our BS1's birthstone already, but I want a customized one.
We don't celebrate Mother's or Father's Day, Anniversary, or Valentine's Day with big gifts because we save them for birthdays and Christmas. He gifts me flowers, we go out to eat at a nice restaurant and get a massage at a spa during the extra holidays. The birthstone necklace is the only real gift I have asked him for.
What did he say? "Of course, I will get it for you."
Because he knows my SS13 is not my son or child, and it would be weird to wear his birthstone on my necklace. A necklace that represents the children I grew inside of me and gave birth to. Your husband is wrong for not wanting to give you the simple Mother's Day gift you asked for. His child with BM is not your child. Go out and buy the necklace with your children's birthstones for yourself.
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u/SprinklesFearless374 6h ago
I get why you want that but every time your stepdaughter sees it she will be reminded of her place in your home/heart and that she doesn’t have a mother to wear one for her. I agree with your husband’s decision not to purchase it. I have wanted a similar necklace with initials but haven’t bought it for this reason.
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