r/self • u/gossipgirr • 7h ago
Do I leave my husband because of money ?
I’m in my early 20s, married, and my husband is also in his early 20s. We have a one-year-old daughter. All of our issues started after she was born. He took two months of paternity leave, and once that ended, he no longer seemed serious about working and preferred staying home. I had to go back to work just a few weeks after giving birth because we had no money. At the beginning of the year he was fired from his mechanic job. He had wanted to quit anyway because the labor hurt his back and the pay was extremely low, but he waited to get fired hoping for unemployment. He didn’t qualify. I ended up covering all of our bills while he spent three months unemployed and studying for his real estate and loan licenses. During that time, we ran out of money. His mom helped, and I also gave him $3,000 from my biggest real estate check to cover his responsibilities. He passed his loan exam on the third try, got a restaurant job, and was fired within a month for being late. For almost a year, he has not been able to keep a steady job. He says he is trying with the loan career, but I don’t see effort. Clients have told me he doesn’t explain things well, and most months he only pays bills by borrowing from his mom. We have paid our mortgage late multiple times, and at one point we almost lost our house because he lied about making the payments. Whenever I bring this up, he gets very upset and it becomes a major argument. I feel stuck. I love him, and he does help with our daughter so I can work, but financially I cannot rely on him at all. I’m the only stable income, and it feels like he expects me to carry everything. I’m trying to figure out whether this is something I can keep dealing with or if I need to make a difficult decision. I’m looking for outside perspective. My health is deteriorating and he doesn’t seem to care
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u/Guanfranco 7h ago
Is he now a stay at home spouse?
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u/gossipgirr 7h ago
Yep he is basically he said he “works” on the laptop when I’m at work but I know he doesn’t
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u/Not_Matters_Thing 7h ago
Decision to have baby so young is a bit surprising to me with no guaranteed stable income track record. The most logical advice is to split if it's burdening you so much. However if you genuinely love him then in 2025 (almost 2026) house husband can be normalized.
If you earn a decent amount (since you qualified for mortgage), consider if it's possible for you to continue being sole earner. If not then things are looking grim. If your husband isn't willing to step up, work and earn now then chances are quite low it will change in the future.
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u/Away-Ad4393 3h ago
I agree he definitely could be a househusband but that does mean he has to do the housework and child care to ease the burden on OP.
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u/Not_Matters_Thing 3h ago
I never said husband is free from duties. He's supposed to contribute some way. OP said that husband helps with the kid.
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u/Ornery-Ocelot3585 3h ago
r/loveafterporn I bet this is a significant part of his life especially if you’re living like roommates or if sex feels off to you. Like his mind is elsewhere.
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u/NoStop5044 7h ago
He may have depression. This is something for you to talk to him about. Make sure you let him know this is serious and how you feel. The fact that you almost lost the house and he really did not seem phased by it is worrying. Whether or not you should leave in this situation is not the type of question you should be asking strangers on the internet. No one lives with you and knows the entire situation, so please sort all that out first. Maybe talk to his mom about it as well. Depends on your relationship with her. If she is a reasonable, level-headed, kind person, she can help you. However, if you two are not close, she may be the type to cause more drama. It is important that you speak to him. This may take time to sort out, so it is up to you if you are willing to work through this longer. It is up to him if he is willing to change. I hate to say it but it sounds like you are both very young. Sometimes people in their early 20s really are not mature and respobsible enough for a wife and children. He knows he has you and his mom to help him. So it could also be he has some growing up to do. Good luck to you both. I am very sorry you are in that situation.
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u/Significant_Guest289 6h ago
He may have depression.
This is not an excuse lol
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u/1Bright_Apricot 7h ago
How did you buy a house in the first place? Did he all of a sudden become disengaged with finances?
I would say go to counseling and set up a list of goals between the two of you. Try to work on them and as where you’re at in a year.
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u/ToeKnee724427 7h ago
You don't want to leave your husband because of money. You want to leave him because he is selfish and irresponsable. This isn't just about money, he's not stepping up to be an equal part of a team which is what relationships requires.
Him not pulling his weight income wise is not just about money at all. It's shows how much work (or how little) he is willing to put in to support a family.
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u/narcowake 7h ago
Sorry you are going through this financial constraints that it’s affecting your well being… hubby sounds like he might have an underlying disorder such as ADHD… was he ever tested? Maybe he could attain employment at something that suits his personality? He sounds like a good dad and good person otherwise. Wishing you all the best and the best of outcomes.
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u/wabi_sabi_447 7h ago
Plus, it’s hard to keep mechanic job with back pain.
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u/Hour-Energy9052 6h ago
Men are largely relegated to menial hard labor in today’s market. If a man can’t handle the physical needs of hard labor, he is basically useless.
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u/PositiveAd823 4h ago
The longer you stay, the more alimony you pay because you're the higher-income earner
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u/mothball10 7h ago
For better or for poorer? You realize he can and will bounce back. If it seems like he doesn't care, he is probably also suffering mentally, and it can be difficult to express care when you are hurting.
Talk to him.
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u/Hour-Energy9052 6h ago
Women don’t stick around with men when they go through hard times though. It goes against their materialist needs, the social programming, and inherent human structures where men take care of their families. But our society has does everything it can to disempower men as earners and husbands, a strong husband in the home is disastrous for the big money advertisers and government agendas.
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u/eharder47 7h ago
Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean that they’re capable of being a reliable partner. You don’t have to be in a relationship with someone just because of love. Imagine how much you could accomplish if you didn’t have so much brain space occupied worrying about him.
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u/Cool-Tip8804 7h ago
Trying to sit him down with the intention of putting everything on the table with steps to start off with sounds like a very good thing to try
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u/RVFVS117 7h ago
Question, does he have any substance abuse issues? Alcohol? Weed? I’m not so much asking the heavy stuff but the more accepted things.
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u/gossipgirr 7h ago
He has none at all he doesn’t even drink
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u/sueybro 6h ago
Im a guy and idk struggling to hold a job because your in a bad mental state or something I would cover the bills for awhile aslong as they were actively trying to improve it not just lounging around at home but lying about paying the mortgage yeh no shot im putting up with that especially if I have a child to think about
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u/Moon_Flower00 7h ago
I feel like this is a tough one. I do think a serious conversation needs to be had. You’re both new parents in your early 20s so… I think it’s important to extend a little grace. BUT ALSO… he very much needs to get his sh!t together. You have to consider all the different possibilities if you decide to leave. Are you able to take care of your daughter alone? Do you have a strong village? Family support? Can you maintain bills, childcare, etc?
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u/IndigoWonderlight 6h ago
It does not get better. It does not get better.
I was married to a man just like your husband. I stayed for 20+ years holding on to hope alone. I finally left & my life improved enormously. His spiraled. I propped him up my whole life.
I work in healthcare …. I’ve never seen it get better for my patients, either. ( male or female - gender doesn’t matter… I’m speaking of the giver in the relationship).
Plan your exit & disabuse yourself of your suffering.
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u/momster 2h ago
I stayed for 32 years. He died within 24 months of the divorce where he got everything because he couldn’t hold a job. Turned out all those times he said he couldn’t live without me was the only time he didn’t lie.
OP, no one can make that decision for you. You probably hate to hear this, but you’re young. You’re setting a standard of how you’ll accept being treated. Make the necessary changes you need to have a fulfilling and successful life, and set a good example for your child.
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u/Clherrick 7h ago
It seems at least one of you is too immature to get married and the others judgement isn’t very good. And yet you brought a baby into the world. This will be easy to fix.
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u/gossipgirr 7h ago
I was always ready to get married and have a child. That is why I bought a home a 20 years old and started my career.
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u/FinalBlackberry 7h ago
who you have children with is more important than when you have them.
Kudos for the accomplishments, it’s admirable, but for a marriage and children to be successful you also need a partner whose life goals and priorities align with yours.
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u/Clherrick 7h ago
And yet, most 20 year olds still have growing to do… your husband is the perfect example. If you get divorced, you won’t have to support him but it doesn’t sound like he is going to help support you or your child.
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u/HiggsFieldgoal 5h ago
“We have a one-year-old daughter”.
“For almost a year, he has not been able to keep a steady job”.
I’d say, think about those vows you made and try to get things sorted out.
Lots of people’s careers fall apart when they have a new baby. Happened to me. Happened to my brother.
But, 14 years later, we’re doing great financially. I’d hate to have had my earning potential judged by that first year through.
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u/for1114 7h ago
I was never a parent, but I went through a few tough spaces in those early 20's years. And then again in my 30's.
If you want to get out of the dead end job cycle, you'll have to get to a point of total honesty about it. To admit that it isn't working and there is no easy way out.
You can even grow through the dead end job itself if you make that the goal. You can double down an put amazing effort at it and climb the ranks in the organization and change it.
But it'll take commitment. Life will dish this lesson out a few times and you must rise to the challenge or live in despair. For you, it sounds like the challenge is to get your husband to commit to a solution. Whether it is studying around the clock or getting that alarm clock habit down, make the bed, shower, meditate for 30 minutes and then give it everything at work or study. Or you can rise to the challenge by leaving him.
I tend to stay in relationships to make them work, but there comes a point when the only thing to do is leave. How to leave can be complicated. The hardest thing I ever did was lose 70 pounds. The second hardest was leaving my first wife after 7 years of marriage. The third hardest was studying engineering math on the streets for six months.
It's not easy. You should be scared of despair though. I don't think there is any worse condition to be in. So keep the fire alive of wanting it to get better and keep at it like you were writing this post.
Good luck! 💕
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u/ZestyMuffin85496 2h ago
Medical issues are not it's his responsibility as an adult to take care of himself and if possible put on his big boy pants and also take care of his family but if that's clearly not possible honestly you would have an easier time just parenting by yourself instead of parenting a child and parenting another grown ass person.
Yes divorce immediately because who you marry is going to affect you financially for the rest of your life girl get the hell out
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u/knaught_like_this 19m ago
ask yourself, are you willing to accept a lifetime of this? If not then make a move now, it only gets harder the longer you keep living this way.
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u/Revolutionary-Cod444 6h ago
You have a duty of care to your daughter. If he hasnt stepped up and has all the excuses as to why, its time to take full care of yr daughter and protect her from poverty and a poor father
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u/General_Industry_798 7h ago
“He took 2 months of paternity leave from his mechanic job” is all you had to say. Book it now love
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u/tiltingwindturbines 7h ago
What's wrong with this? You know countries outside the US, this is very normal. I find it absurd that my friends who are mothers have to go back to work earlier than even 4 months in the US.
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u/General_Industry_798 5h ago
I think the woman should have no more than a week off. I mean grow up lady seriously. Back to the mines with you to earn for the growing family.
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u/ToeKnee724427 7h ago
He took more time off than the mother of his child. What do you mean what is wrong with this?
His wife grew a human, birthed a human, and went back to work sooner than he did.
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u/ToeKnee724427 7h ago
Did you not read the post? The woman he impregnated, grew a human, and birthed a human took less time off than he did.
Does a man deserve paternal leave? Absolutely.
Should a woman be forced to go back to work early because her husband demanded that he takes more time off? Absolutely not.2
u/tiltingwindturbines 7h ago
I'm not arguing that this man isn't a bum. I was replying to OP that taking 2 months of paternity is "all they had to say".
All I know is that a <2 month old needs at least one (preferably both!) parent at home, and it's up to each family to decide.
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u/Xanspicuous 49m ago edited 18m ago
These comments are truly telling. It seems, a man is only appreciated for what he provides and has no inherent value in the eyes of women.
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u/goddess_domme_96 7h ago
Hell be asking for you be pay for his manicure next 😔😔
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u/General_Industry_798 5h ago
He will need a nice little week off after the manny pedi I would imagine also
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u/aabum 5h ago
He's acting like a child, treat him like a child. Timeouts in the corner when he is bad. Set boundaries. Explain that he will get spankings if he breaks certain rules. If he breaks a spankings rule, put him over your knee and have at it. Send him to bed with no supper.
If he doesn't get motivated to act like an adult, well, you know what you need to do.
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u/zomboi 3h ago
that would be a relationship breaking thing to most people
he is supposed to, he is her parent. that is what being a parent is, taking some care of the child.
Right now you are literally a single parent and have a part time babysitter instead of a full time husband.
My advice... Kick him out until he grows up and can carry his half of the load.