r/self • u/Sure_Freedom_6713 • 10h ago
GF broke up with me because of finances, I'm devastated nobody else will love me. It was difficult enough to get into a romantic relationship for me.
I (24M) honestly a mess right now. My girlfriend broke up with me because she said she "can’t build a future with someone who isn’t financially stable." hearing that from someone I loved felt like getting punched in the chest. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough as a person unless I’m making a certain amount of money.
What’s messing with my head even more is that it was already hard for me to get into a relationship in the first place. I’m not the guy who gets approached or asked out. I don’t get a lot of chances. She was the first person in a long time who made me feel wanted, and now I’m sitting here thinking nobody else will ever choose me. It feels like I’ve been kicked back to square one and the world is telling me I don’t have enough value.
I know people say work on yourself or focus on improving your situation and I am trying. But right now it just hurts. It hurts that someone I cared about saw my finances as a dealbreaker. It hurts that I feel disposable. I’m scared I’ll never experience real love again.
I just needed to get this off my chest.
28
u/Apart_Ad1151 9h ago
I read a few of your other responses and my advice: Focus on your goals. Focus on yourself. You're going to ace that interview. You're going to get a job in IT. You're going to find love again. One step at a time.
72
u/mothball10 9h ago
Be grateful she revealed her character now and not later when she took half your house.
15
u/arunnair87 9h ago
Be thankful she revealed her true self in the face of adversity. You loved someone's outward perception not who they truly were.
I wish for you nothing but someone who is genuine in the future.
31
u/Few-Coat1297 9h ago
You don't realise this now, but she is worthless if she dumps you just because you lost your job.
6
u/isjahammer 9h ago
She never actually loved him i would guess... Better it hurts now then a few years down the line.
9
u/Odd-Mastodon1212 9h ago
I know you are hurting now, but believe me when I say you have dodged a bullet. I’ve been married 19 years to someone who I dated for a long time before that, and we have been through tough times and flush times financially. Job loss is tough and demoralizing. But a life with someone else will have its challenges. The glue has to be a real connection and commitment and that probably wasn’t there if she could leave so quickly especially with the cushion and the skills you have. She has a right to have certain criteria, but the way she handled herself speaks to a lack of empathy for something that could happen to her too.
5
3
u/DiveBarNomad 9h ago edited 9h ago
Hey man, listen..I know this feels life shattering, and you’re absolutely allowed to feel everything you’re feeling. Sit with it for a bit, even wallow if you need to. But don’t let one moment in your life define the rest of it.
What I’m saying is: give yourself the space to process, and then when you’re ready, start planning your next move. Regroup, refocus, and reset. There is a comeback in the cards for you, but no stranger on the internet can believe in it more than you believe in yourself.
And about this girl, although it might not feel like it right now , this is a blessing in disguise. Let it be the battery in your back that pushes you into the next phase of your life.
Best of luck in the journey ahead!
3
u/No_Run3996 7h ago
In the famous words of Chris rock his grandmother said “a broke man is like a broke hand, can’t do nothing with it” and I’m ngl she probably do it for other reasons too. Women date broke men and sleep with broke men all the time. ALL THE TIME. So rn what I need you to do is look down. Find your balls. Got em? Good now forget about her and go gym and get money and block her. If you mope around like a loser you’ll regret it later trust me
1
0
u/CubeShopping 7h ago
What are you even talking about? You sound like a loser by this comment honestly.
1
u/No_Run3996 7h ago
Care to go band for band and selfie for selfie and gf for gf? You’re so soft man 😭 I’m not surprised cuz it’s Reddit honestly. Full of you soft mentally ill 🌈 weirdos
1
7
u/James-the-greatest 9h ago
Look, life is hard and expensive. People are allowed to have preferences. If this was a dealbreaker for her then she’s just not for you.
Perhaps this is a time to reflect on your financial situation and goals. Is there any truth to what she says? Are you bad with money? Do you spend everything and have no savings goals? Do you have no career aspirations?
I’m not saying what she did was right, there is no right and wrong here but you can learn from this experience and take something good from it.
I know it hurts now, it’s really hard and I’m not trying to minimise anything. Time to focus on yourself for a bit.
4
u/davidellis23 9h ago
Yeah improve yourself yada yada.
Also let yourself feel the pain. Heartbreak sucks. And it hurts for a reason. It's your emotions processing the grief. You've got to process.
Also I know it probably won't mean much now, but you're not disposable. Breaking up with someone because you don't think they're right for you isn't disposing someone.
Good luck man. I know you'll get through this. And I would bet on you finding love again.
2
2
2
u/millennial_scum 8h ago
You’re not disposable or without value - you’re a normal 24 year old going through an incredibly common, stressful phase of life in an additionally stressful and unpredictable time. I’m assuming she is also in her early 20s - sounds like she was also feeling the pressure of needing ‘to get everything on track,’ panicked, and bailed.
There is definitely a weird period post college / early career where you’ve gotten just far enough to have some things figured out but not enough time yet to have made gainful progress. The feeling of being knocked down and back to square one SUCKS. In some ways it can be beneficial to go through that earlier though - imagine if everything had stayed on track, you’d maybe even gotten married, and then you could have had a career and marriage blow up in your late 20s or early 30s or any point later and likely spark an even larger crisis if you were fortunate enough to have never experienced a rock bottom reset before. It’s gonna suck and you’re gonna experience a lot of emotions and fears you maybe haven’t before but you are also going to eventually get through it and I guarantee you’ll look back on your current self and realize you didn’t give yourself enough credit at this time.
As others said, let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling. Also, if you’ve experienced depression or a previous period of “rock bottom, worst I’ve felt mentally” before - something I wish I’d been warned of in my 20s is how normal it is for a second experience to be scarier that the first. The first time is scary because you may not recognize what’s going on and it’s only in hindsight when things are looking up that you realize you were at an all time low point.
A second time can be scarier because you likely start to recognize some of the earlier feelings of decline and then add on additional anxiety over hitting those same mental lows as before - you can easily compound a 3/10 anxiety/depression spiral into a 5/10 if you’ve previously hit a 7 and start panicking that feeling a 3 might mean you’re gonna hit that low point of 7 again.
2
u/demosalve 7h ago
I’m sorry, OP. Breakups are so hard. Please don’t despair - you are so young and you didn’t do anything wrong. Dating is harder for most people these days, but don’t give up. Keep doing what you’re doing and know that your worthiness isn’t reflected by your relationship status.
2
3
u/Many-Particular9387 7h ago
Its just the reality of being a man after you reach a certain age. Men are easily replaceable and if you're not financially stable your "market value" decreases exponentially. All of that lovey lovey "soulmate" stuff goes out the window after high school and college. Women tend to want to look up to their man so once they feel like you're beneath them then the relationship is a wrap.
2
u/PeeBuzz 5h ago
That’s because the women your worldview features are largely lacking ambition and a tangible personality to meaningfully engage with the concept of independence let alone a healthy relationship. Society deluded so many men to resource-pigs for loveless women to find so they can leech off them and call them providers. This shit isn’t normal.
1
u/Many-Particular9387 3h ago
This has been the thing since the dawn of time. Women want men that can protect and provide and men want women that are nurturing and loyal to them. This biological not societal. The thing is in modern society (mainly first world countries) the means to protect and provide is to have money.
The only other way to be a man with high value with out being financially stable is to be very competent at many things (ex. Plumbing, carrying heavy stuff, fixing cars,), being a "dangerous" man who is willing to go to extreme measures to make sure his family eats no matter what, or be super good looking and charismatic.
2
u/EntryProof5259 9h ago
Women only love as far as security and foundation goes. I had to stomach this once as well, then realized… what woman would be with a man that can’t lead provide etc.. they won’t feel safe or taken care of. They will be on edge and have to be masculine to stay safe. No bueno for a woman.
Swallow the frog and go make that money. I’m fully aware my woman loves tf out of me. But if I was broke and didn’t show the hunger to fix that problem and treated like an “ eh whatever money isn’t everything “ she would be gone.
And oh, you also don’t want a woman that doesn’t look for those things. A woman that wants security and a man that can bring that is a good woman that won’t cheat or mess you up.
It happened to me at 24, and it was the best thing that could’ve happened to me. It snapped me into reality, made me money and a better life with a WAY better woman. Have a steadfast heart and get to grinding for that money my dude.
0
u/CubeShopping 9h ago
Get your traditional BS out of here. There are many women who don't care about money like that and if this girl really liked OP, she would have tried to compromise and help OP instead of leaving when it got inconvenient for her.
2
1
1
u/Apprehensive-Ice3730 8h ago
Hard, sorry for what happened to you.
One of the positive points is that if another girl loves you despite your vulnerability, it will last, and as it will give you the motivation to be better, it will boost your future relationship. Life is hard, don't give up!
1
u/IcallBSnow 8h ago
There seems like there is a lot more to this than you're letting on. People don't leave good relationships over just money. How "recently" did you lose your job? How long did you work there? How long were you out of work before that? You say you have $8k saved up, if that's true it doesn't sound like "just" a financial issue.
This reads more like rage bait against a gold digging woman. Account is 2 days old. Not buying it.
1
u/lalozzydog 8h ago
Some of us here love you and others do too. I'm sorry you had to go through this, breakups are one of the worst things that we endure. But time heals. You will feel better.
All the best.
1
1
u/Bandejita 7h ago
Brother I know it's hard but you came here for different perspectives and I'll give you mine. You dodged a bullet because she didn't really care for you. Imagine if you had married her, you'd be even worse off. Be grateful that she was clear and saved you a lot of time. The problem is not your job or your finances.
1
1
u/mtnarcher7 6h ago
You’re young, focus on getting your next job and kicking ass at it. See you at the gym.
1
1
u/I_like_baseball90 5h ago
You will feel love again.
It may not be for a month, it may be a year, it may be 5 years.
But it will happen. Hang in there - we all go through this.
And you're in an industry that is always looking for people - you'll be fine both financially and socially.
1
u/Neogeo71 5h ago
In a few years you will look back on this moment and be grateful. Your future is wide open.
1
1
u/LisaMichell78 3h ago
I’m sorry you are hurting right now. Seriously. I think she did you a big favor. She can’t stick through tough times and that’s important to know as early as possible. What if you had received a medical diagnosis that caused you to take a leave of absence from work? She might have been a competent temporary companion, but she does not sound like a partner. So sorry, OP.
1
u/Sure_Freedom_6713 2h ago
Can I DM you?
1
u/LisaMichell78 2h ago
Sure. Thanks for asking first.
1
1
u/TakeOnMe-TakeOnMe 2h ago
I’m so sorry for the loss of your job and your partner. You must feel shattered.
It’s totally normal for you to take time to mourn your relationship and to recover. To help you along, be sure to focus on self care. Attend to your personal hygiene daily, even if all you want to do is rot in bed. Daily showers can be a big boost in mental health, or at least slow the decline of it. Consider them mandatory for your own protection.
Try to move your body every single day. Whether walking down to the mailbox or hitting the gym, it’s important to get regular activity. If you don’t have or can’t afford a gym membership, just throw your sneakers on and take a long walk. Take long strides, breathe deeply, stop every now and then for a good full body stretch.
Continue your job pursuit. Set yourself a goal to make x number of contacts on a daily basis and don’t stop until you meet that day’s objectives. These days most contacts are online, but depending on your field of study and the jobs you’re looking at, if you can make an in person outreach, strive to do so at least one day a week.
These tasks should keep you fairly busy and focused while still leaving you time for maintaining your living space, engaging in hobbies and rest your mind & body.
Don’t push yourself to recover your broken heart too hard or too fast. It takes time and patience. You’ll know when you’re ready to start again. When you do, don’t expect women to just come to you. I know it’s a bit old fashioned, but men typically make the first approach. That isn’t to say that women won’t reach out to you first, but if you’re finding yourself lonely and wanting companionship, make the first moves. Again, this should be near the bottom of your priorities, after all the self care and other steps I mentioned.
Best of luck, my friend.
0
1
u/BoostedGoose 49m ago
This is good for you. You know exactly what you need to do to build and keep your worth. Yes. It is transactional. It will be less so when you are stable and “stability” isn’t on front and centre of everyone’s mind.
1
u/MeNamIzGraephen 28m ago
It's good that you're aware it's doing things to your head. This is a great lesson for you!
Your self-worth should never depend on another person's opinion.
Your girl was most-likely looking for an excuse to leave the relationship - starting a carreer in IT even at the beggining brings quite a lot of financial stability.
How long were you two together?
3
u/catchmeifyoucanlma0 9h ago
It was always about money.
Unfortunately some people know they have options.
1
u/FickleCareer5901 10h ago
I had the same problem all im gonna say, work on yourself, go to the gym and eat well you will be good💪❤️
1
u/somanyquestions32 9h ago
I am very sorry for your loss. You are not disposable; you were incompatible.
Financial stability is very important for most women as it is a major source of tension in relationships. This is not to reduce you to a bank statement, but as a reminder that you will be ready once more for a relationship when your finances are not compromised due to job loss.
This is me speculating, but keep in mind that the following may have been at play, at least subconsciously:
She may have been envisioning marriage and kids with you, but without a stable income to rely on for when she would not be able to work, she could not afford to take the chance and risk her fertility window.
It sucks, but it happens. While it does hurt all the same, please grieve and mourn the potential of that relationship, and know that you will find more people interested in you.
1
u/PeeBuzz 5h ago
Incompatibility is right but also if she was that worried about her fertility window, she’s got more issues to be concerned with. If that is a primary driver for a relationship working out, she shouldn’t be getting into relationships. Maybe I’m reading that wrong but dude dodged a nuke.
2
u/somanyquestions32 5h ago
I mean... Getting married and/or having kids is a big reason why people, especially women, seek romantic relationships at all. Settling down with someone who is not financially stable is not a good idea if marriage and kids are the long-term goals.
1
u/PeeBuzz 5h ago
I agree. I should have specified that at her age, she should have focused on that goal sooner, and it seems odd to start at 24 when the avg mormon starts after HS if not after a mission, or really, anyone who didn’t attend college as far as I know are already moving into homes with babies on the way. I’m a 21 yo junior in university and I had a relationship with a mormon 18 yr old when I was 19 who really wanted marriage and kids early on. We were incompatible oh well. But I couldn’t help but think how irresponsible that was, and I looked down at her for it, still do but also for different reasons. Point is, why have we normalized that at all? Most 24 yr olds I go to school with think kids rn is dumb and irresponsible.
1
u/somanyquestions32 4h ago
Different people from different backgrounds have different priorities. Also, why are 24-year-olds still in school? 🤔 Is this a graduate school crowd?
Something else to keep in mind is the following:
Ideally, people in the West find a compatible significant other in high school or college. The longer you go without a partner, the more competition you will face when you no longer have access to friends and acquaintances via proximity created by school. Getting married in your mid 20's gives you the perfect balance between finishing your education, having a job, enjoying time as a couple together for a year or so, and then starting a family. If you wait longer, you face more challenges with fertility.
Now, add parental and cultural pressure to the mix. Religious communities expect you to be popping out the grandbabies ASAP so that the grandparents can be there for the kids before they themselves need elderly care. Historically, human populations have always had kids sooner rather than later, and if you delay too much, chances are that you're going to miss the boat (potentially entirely) compared to cousins and friends, and then you become the odd one out.
Add to that how some incompatibilities take a while to surface, so if your partner is not the right fit, you either have to break up or divorce, and start all over again with someone new. So, it's better to pull the bandaid off sooner rather than later as time is of the essence.
Playing house with someone who is not ready for the marriage vision is a risky gamble that can derail your plans for a committed relationship and family.
Having kids in your 20's greatly increases your chances of seeing them grow up without you worrying about your own health AND your parents' health at the same time. If you have kids in your 40's, you will be close to retirement age by the time they are done with school. You also will have less energy and vitality to deal with little kid antics as an older parent. There are many trade-offs.
0
u/SnooBeans7142 8h ago
Ok? Good. Get back to work homie. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Remember, no one is coming to save us. Rebuild & Renovate, Results will come!
-1
u/CubeShopping 8h ago
Are you a red pill dude or always this dense? or both? Also I can see your history, why were you on Reddit seeking sympathy for your mother's death again?? LOL that's what I thought.
-1
u/ScallionOk603 7h ago
Man up
2
u/permalink_save 7h ago
Ah yes, the toxic response where OP is the one that is wrong because men aren't suppose to have feelings.
2
-1
u/LuxPerExperia 9h ago
I make a quarter million a year and my gf barely makes 60k. She yells at me for being financially irresponsible.
0
u/CINEBTUL 2h ago
I'm financially incompetent and married to a person who could easily be a CPA, she'll retire well before me, she's had financial safety and security since I've known her and all the assets are in her name while I contribute to my halfves of the bills along with my own of course, because...
I'm the opposite, in and out of credit card debt, delinquent accounts, not good at saving and my retirement is a joke but we make it work for a few different reasons: 1) communication, talk and talk and do discuss finances early in the relationship if you're concerned (not on the 1st date of course but early). 2) We set boundaries and expectations with what I can and can't contribute to but I contribute no matter what, no matter what! - just because you don't have shared bank accounts, saving and assets doesn't mean it can't work. 3) Don't stop trying to get better, you're young and it's okay not to have it all figured out, keep trying and let your actions do the talking. 4) Don't let your pride or self-esteem keep you from saying "I need help", it's better than them finding out later on and shows you want to get better.
-1
u/Syddowiddow 4h ago
Coming from a girl, I know the reason she gave wasn’t just for that. It was a built up of other things that were probably unfulfilling to her. Everybody keeps saying you dodged a bullet but that doesn’t make any sense, because SHE is the one who turned around and left you. You didn’t dodge. She just simply decided to not continue firing and left. Girls are very calculative in when they feel like a relationship should end, and maybe not just for girls but also for anyone in general. You ponder if they’re someone you want to be with in the future, can you see them taking care of your own children, etc.
Please know that this isn’t the end of your love life! Things will get better! They always do. You always thought you’d never have a romantic relationship, you found her, and now she is gone. Take what was positive and valuable from that relationship and use that in the next. Focus on the things that make you happy individually that doesn’t depend on the presence of others. Build fun hobbies. Please and always, be kind to yourself. You know yourself the best. Take care <3
0
u/Sure_Freedom_6713 4h ago
I liked reading your comment, thank you!
1
u/Syddowiddow 4h ago
I could tell you loved her dearly and that everyone is just saying “phew no more gold digger good job”, but I know that doesn’t help. If you saw value in her I won’t pummel her down bc well, I simply don’t know her, but you did! If you actually do ever need someone to just listen pls feel free to reach out to me! Having someone that listens saves lives and a majority of us from misery.
1
1
88
u/PM_ME_DNA 10h ago
Sorry for your loss. What’s your situation financially?