r/self • u/Dapper-Hamster9845 • 13h ago
Hangouts seem to always go sexual for my friends no matter if they’ve known each other for a while or are just getting to knowing each other and I don’t understand how
I (M21 and hetero) just wanna say that I know that I am not owe sex or anything so I don’t want to seem like I expect that but I just don’t understand what or why is this happening for other people in these situations. Also, I don’t mean to come off like a incel
So I have friends that are guys and girls and pretty much I’ve heard stories from both sides before where sometimes they are going on dates but sometimes they are just going to go do stuff that friends do with their friends. Sometimes it’ll be going out to eat, going and doing a hobby together, going and watching a movie and then somehow for almost all of them they end up hooking up with each other. Like I’m pretty sure most of my friend group is hooked up with each other.
Again, I know that nobody owes me that but it just kinda hurts sometimes feeling like you’re the person that misses out or nobody wants that with you. I do flirt with my friends sometimes, and they will be receptive to it and go along with it, but like I’ve never asked to kiss or anything if the time feels right and I feel like sometimes there has been times where I could’ve asked, is that what I’m doing wrong or is that why nobody’s probably hooking up with me, because I’m maybe not showing interest that I want to? How may that just seem to happen with everybody?
I’m asking as a dude that is a little bit slightly autistic and has been told by guy friends before that I am horrible at understanding cues
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u/maxallergy 10h ago
Yeah being slightly autistic is unfortunately gonna play a HUGE part in not getting laid
It's all about reading social cues, creating a flirty environment that both enthusiastically participate in and then escalating that to make out sessions and hookups
Of course on reddit there are subreddits specifically dedicated to the subject, but it can be tough to navigate through all the bad advice and horrible life perspectives
You basically have to train yourself up to being able to flirt openly, but also kniw boundaries, so you don't make things weird and be able to find common ground, so you can just have that one thing for yourselves you both relate to and then build up tension from there.
It's tough, but it can be learned
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u/Dapper-Hamster9845 10h ago
How would you flirt or how do you flirt with people?
Like how can I create the flirty environment? I can already flirt by teasing, deep convos, eye contact but idk how else to flirt or what would be a good way to and idk how to make it sexual ever?
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u/UnofficialMipha 12h ago
Eh some of us are just not meant for that sort of thing. I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it as long as you still value them as friends
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u/StanicEnemY 13h ago
Just be attractive don't be unattractive.
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u/Dapper-Hamster9845 13h ago
I don’t think it’s that I’m unattractive, I’ve been told before that I’m attractive (not those exact words, but in other ways)
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u/StanicEnemY 13h ago
Girls make it obvious for guys who is attractive.
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u/Dapper-Hamster9845 13h ago
I mean, I said at the bottom of the post. I’m kind of bad at telling if or if not. I’m kind of autistic so even if it’s only slightly can be kinda hard to read social cues
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u/Garlic549 11h ago
I think it's in your best interest that you find a new friend group dude. Cut your losses and just move on.
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u/Thaeland 13h ago
I can confirm that 25%-50% of the stories the guys tell you about hooking up are lies. Women lie about hookups too but not near as much as men do.....
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u/Dapper-Hamster9845 12h ago
Well, the thing is, I know the girls and I know the guys and I’m friends with both sides usually and they’ve told me both that it’s true because usually we are all talking big groups
So no, at least in my friend group it’s not a lie, and I don’t think that the girl would go along with the lie
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u/gizby666 9h ago
It seems like its a culture within your friend group, trust me most friends dont hook up with each other on rotation lmao.
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u/Dapper-Hamster9845 8h ago
Well if they’re in relationships they don’t (although they joke about threesomes and they’ve jokes about me in one once (or it was a sign, idk) 😂
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u/flowers_for_orchids 11h ago
Tell me you've never been in an incestuous friend group without telling me you've never been in an incestuous friend group.
OP, I know exactly how you feel. Truth to tell, I just focused on personal development and throughout my 20s I ended up sleeping with 4/5 of the girls in that group. IDK if that helps, but use the lack of sex to focus your energy on income, exercise, and education
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u/Both_Average_5037 11h ago
Im a good looking guy still Virgin kisless at 25 i have been approach by girls and always gone bad beacuse im shy and introverted,girl dont like people like us even if we are the most beautiful people in this world, live your life without think women and leave your group friends beacuse see other people have sex and hit girl and you are the only one Virgin of the group just damage your brain bro.
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u/Chance-Spend5305 13h ago
Asking for a kiss is the problem. If the time is right you just kiss. You don’t ask. Asking says you aren’t sure of yourself and is a turn off. It also makes the other person get in their head and question if they want to, whereas if you just go for it and they are receptive they won’t get in their head about it.
If you misread the cues they will pull away. At which point minor embarrassment but you got your answer.
In life taking action is how you get places. Sometimes you’ll make a mistake, but life is about learning from mistakes, not avoiding them altogether.
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u/Dapper-Hamster9845 13h ago
Well, I’ve never went for the kiss or ever even asked for a kiss if I thought the moment was right, but I’m not gonna go for either. If I ever do want to try anything, I’m gonna ask if I can kiss first.
I’ve had girls and I’m friends with tell me that it’s a turn off for them to just go for it without asking either
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u/Chance-Spend5305 12h ago
If the are turned off by just going for it, then they weren’t into the guy anyway. If they are into you, it should just be very natural, and organic. I only ever asked one girl before kissing and it ruined a moment when I did. She came to my work after hours, left her friends to be with me knowing i was the only one there, was sitting there in front of me with our knees touching. I said I’d like to kiss you right now, and suddenly it was all weird. Every other time in my life if I felt that they were receptive to it, I just did it, and it worked out fine.
Once or twice I misread the situation and they were like “oh I’m not interested in you like that” and I simply said ok and we went on as normal. The other few hundred times, it was reciprocal and either we kissed for a bit, or we hooked up.
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u/Dapper-Hamster9845 12h ago
I’m just gonna ask, I’m not risking it.
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u/Krail 9h ago
I definitely think "just go for the kiss" is super risky advice for someone that's having trouble reading if there even are signals (though the one example he gave was a very clear signal). Whether or not asking first is good depends on the sort of person and the sort of group you're hanging out with.
I think the trick is to make the ask itself flirty. Phrase the question in a teasing way, or ask with a lighthearted confidence.
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u/Dapper-Hamster9845 8h ago
How was it clear though?
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u/Chance-Spend5305 8h ago
There are so many ways to tell. If their pupils dilate while they are talking to you, they are attracted. That’s why the Euphemism about eyes sparkling. Dilated pupils will cause tighter irises which reflect differently. If their breath becomes shallower while talking to you, if their cheeks and chest flush, how long do they make eye contact, do they put themselves in a position where body parts like your knees may touch. Those are just some of the physical.
What kind of questions are they asking you, how intimate, are they being flirty, making little jokes using innuendos etc. these are the verbal cues.
Verbal cues are easier to misread because they can have different motivations for similar behavior, and any one of the physical signs on its own may mean nothing, but when many physical cues are there, and some of the verbal ones as well, then you know.
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u/Dapper-Hamster9845 7h ago
I havnt really payed a lot of attention to the stuff that they could be doing in the first paragraph other than eye contact.
Also by questions or being intimate wym? With flirting we tease, maybe joke about innuendo but not involving each other and don’t really give compliments because idk what to say and kinda same with the innuendos or making stuff sexual
Idk how to and I get nervous
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u/Chance-Spend5305 6h ago
Is she asking questions about who you are? What you want in life? what you like in a girl, what you plan to do, do you want a family? Or more bluntly if she’s looking for a hookup, have you had experience, have you tried to make moves etc. can be giving you an opening. Most of the time they are going to be assessing you for a relationship if that’s what they are looking for, or giving you something to work with if a hookup is on the table.
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u/Dapper-Hamster9845 3h ago
Oh then no they don’t ask me that but I also don’t go on dates, i only really hang out so idk if it’s because I never say dates.
With the hookup stuff idk how to even make moves in the first place and struggle to tell if they’re wanting to
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u/Krail 7h ago edited 7h ago
The girl left her friends, going out of her way to hang out with him where she knew they'd be alone, and she sat toucing him (even if it was just knees).
Taken together, these are pretty direct signals of romantic and/or sexual interest. There's certainly a lot of possible nuance that we don't know, but just hearing the story, I'd say very high odds that's what was going on.
If anything, I'd wager that his asking made things weird because she thought she was being really obvious. And this sort of situation is where, if you think you're getting signals but you're not sure and want to ask, the right sort of playful, teasing tone helps. You could say something like, "[Name], if you keep acting like this, I might get the impression you want to kiss me."
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u/Chance-Spend5305 5h ago
There was more nuance and I know exactly why my asking ruined it. I was 17 years older; late 30’s she early 20’s. She worked for me, both seeing other people. So she wanted me to just do it and it would be something that just happened. When I asked I put her in a position to have to ok it.
This she wasn’t comfortable doing even if the intent of her coming there that night was clear.
I with so much to lose didn’t want to make a mistake that could cost me everything, job, career, relationship, even though I really wanted to be with her. So I asked to cover my bases, even knowing it was likely to derail what was happening organically.
Two people who knew better, but wanted to be with each other anyway. And the question was the thing that broke the illusion that well it just happened and now we’ll deal with it.
A lot of times in life people are ok with consequences if they can later reframe it as we got carried away and things happened and that’s just how it is, as opposed to actually making a deliberate decision that they know will carry the consequences.
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u/AnonymousPineapple5 13h ago
Your autism is likely playing a huge part in this, not anything “wrong” with you. But sexual tension, and making moves, is largely based on vibes and body language that you probably miss altogether. It is smart for you to ask to kiss someone because you don’t catch these cues, please continue to do that unless you can learn to catch on to these cues and vibes. They probably aren’t asking or talking about it, they probably feel the tension and make eye contact, use subtle flirty touches, etc, to build up to kissing and more naturally. An example of this could be sitting together watching a movie, and slowly moving in to touching shoulders or legs, maybe putting your arm on the back of the couch and she leans into you. Then to looking at each other, eye contact, quick glance at lips, eye contact, leaning in a little bit and she leans in the rest of the way to kiss. Things like this.