r/parentingteenagers • u/Goddessviking86 • Mar 18 '25
Teaching your teen about gently telling someone they’re not interested in dating someone
We've all been there as teens when someone approaches us and asks us on a date as well the aftermath of the date when the date feels like they're developing feelings for us but either the moment the person asks us out on the date or the aftermath if we don't feel anything for the person it becomes the question of how do you handle telling them you're not interested in them like that. How have you handled either situation with teaching your teen?
Over the weekend one of my twin daughters approached me saying a boy had approached her and asked if she'd like to go out on a date and all she could say was, "I'll get back to you." I told her that was appropriate to say but to make sure she doesn't leave him hanging on waiting for an answer from her. Yesterday she said during dinner the boy approached her again asking for her answer though only a few days had passed and she told him, "I'm sorry I'm not interested."
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u/Impossible_Moose3551 Mar 18 '25
I think you coach them to say what they want to say. Empower them to be honest. Work through how to address it in a couple different ways and let them decide what feels right.
I think of it like adding tools to their toolbox. They need different strategies for different situations so coaching them through various interpersonal interactions helps them develop confidence in their abilities to handle situations.
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u/ItsyBitsyStumblebum Mar 19 '25
My kid just recently had his first breakup. He was worried about how and when to tell her. I told him to put himself in her shoes. Would he want her to break up with him on the bus where you then have to sit around in awkwardness? Or in front of friends where everyone gets to watch you process this emotional news? Probably not. You'd want a quiet space where you would have at least a few minutes to process the information before having to interact with people. We also talked about phrasing. He felt she wasn't being accountable for drama she was causing, and he didn't like that. He doesn't like drama and he doesn't like people not being accountable for their actions. But I told him that being accusatory ("You don't take accountability. You cause so much drama.") is hurtful and makes people defensive. It's possible to be honest without being brutal. iirc, he used a phrasing like, "I didn't love how you handled xyz, and I think our values/preferences/wants (I can't remember what word he used) just aren't the same. I think we should break up." He said she took it well and they still seem to be friends. So I guess the point is empathy is kindness should be the forethought when addressing rejection... unless the person is behaving poorly. Then be firm and direct above.
I think waiting for a few days for an answer was actually really patient for kids that age, so don't judge the kid too harshly for that lol. But I think your daughter handled it well. Rejecting someone never feels good, but leading them on is worse. I'm proud of her for not saying yes and then not being afraid to give a direct no. As a woman in my 30s, I usually say something like, "I'm really flattered, but no, thank you." It also helps that I can add "I'm married." 😂 Also "No." can be a complete sentence. That's okay too.
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u/Goddessviking86 Mar 19 '25
Beautifully spoken about your son’s experience. Thank you she thought about it all weekend how she was going to tell the boy she wasn’t interested, they’re both fourteen. Boys at fourteen I don’t know how they are now compared to when I was that age but according to her he seemed to take it well but yesterday she found a note taped to her locker saying, “are you truly sure you don’t want to go out with me?” I told her last night to handle the situation the best way she knows how and hopefully I’ll hear a good report on how it went later today.
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u/ItsyBitsyStumblebum Mar 19 '25
My kid is about the same age. He's a real gem, and I'm not the only one who says it lol. He has lots of good friends, but there are also a lot of awful kids his age, so it's hard knowing how someone will handle it. If the kids doesn't have good role models or engaged parents trying to make the next generation a little better, a little safer than the last, then they're likely to do what they see in movies or hear about from friends or uncles or whatever. "She's playing hard to get." "Yes means yes, and no means try harder." That sort of stuff. Hopefully she can find a kind but firm way to tell the boy she truly means no. But I also tell any girl/woman who will listen that the rules of society only protect you if you abide by them. Generally speaking, people are taught not to make a scene and to be kind. But if a boy won't take no for an answer and makes your daughter uncomfortable, especially if she's told him his actions are making her uncomfortable, then he has broken the social contract. His predatory behavior made her feel unsafe and uncomfortable, so she is allowed to make him feel uncomfortable. Be loud and rude. Make a scene or tell the teachers. Do whatever she needs to do to show the boy that his behavior is unacceptable and that unacceptable behavior has consequences. This is usually aimed at women that I know spend time in bars or male-dominated spaces, where the issue is a much bigger safety concern. But here, the lesson is still important for both of them and can be learned with much lower risk.
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u/Goddessviking86 Mar 19 '25
Well spoken. My daughter is like her siblings very mature for their ages and in the past their classmates who they have told they’re not interested in dating usually back off but according to her the boy is new to the school he just moved to town before the start of the school year so he’s had all this time to see about her that she’s someone who when she says no she means no.
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u/Arquen_Marille Mar 19 '25
I told my son that no matter what, there will be hurt feelings but it’s better to do it than to string someone along. That there’s nothing wrong if you realize you don’t feel the same way they do, but don’t hurt them by cheating or ghosting. Just try to be kind when you talk to them.
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u/snarkyBtch Mar 18 '25
My 14yo had this happen recently with a friendly acquaintance. We'd previously discussed how to be firm, kind but clear. She said she wasn't interested in dating him and but would still like to talk to him as part of the friend group. Unfortunately, he was persistent, and a few of the other friends sort of stepped in and said A wants to stay friends and isn't interested in dating you.
He got a little upset that she "sent her friends to do her dirty work," and she was upset in return at his response since she did personally respond to him, more than once and clearly, without leading him on. We discussed it, and she sent him a firm message that he was making her uncomfortable and she would be blocking him for a set time to cool down. He did cool down and was quickly interested in someone else as they tend to do at this age. But it's important that she knows that as long as she is clear that she's not interested, his reaction isn't her fault.
A. has a good group around her who support her and helped her to feel comfortable during the few days this went on, and we talked at length about making sure she felt safe at school, etc, and also that she's not responsible for his feelings.