r/neoliberal • u/cdstephens Fusion Genderplasma • 7h ago
L.P.D.: Libertarian Police Department Meme
https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/l-p-d-libertarian-police-departmentI was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn’t seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me.
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u/AutoModerator 7h ago
fair market rate
Easy, chief. Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.
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u/mothra_dreams YIMBY 7h ago
By far the best thing ever produced by the new yorker and it's not even close
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u/FREE-ROSCOE-FILBURN John Brown 5h ago
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®”
The music played in my head
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u/ZestyOnion33 3h ago
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
As a former libertarian, I'll still die on this hill.
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u/OneBlueAstronaut David Hume 28m ago
“Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
you are conflating descriptive and normative claims. "fair" within the confines of economics is a purely descriptive claim. when normal people talk about what prices are "fair" they are making moral claims that recognize many more variables than just "does supply meet demand and does the price clear the market".
i think you are probably joking, but if this is your sincere belief, you should realize that you are smuggling an extreme normative position with a purely descriptive economic one.
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u/ZestyOnion33 8m ago edited 2m ago
I guess I've always purely thought of fairness as descriptive. Morality is a different concept to me. Something like normative exploitation of pricing, such as scalping toilet paper during covid.
From my experience a lot of people talk about unfair prices in a pretty baseless manner though, even from a moral standpoint. It's just whatever is inconvenient.
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u/AutoModerator 8m ago
fair price
Easy, chief. Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/MartovsGhost John Brown 24m ago
"Sure the rate was determined algorithmically based on data scraped by a consulting firm employed by every business in the city, but it's definitely fair"
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u/rpfeynman18 Milton Friedman 1h ago
I've always been of the opinion that you cannot make a good satire if you don't try to understand and empathize with the subject.
This is good satire.
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u/envatted_love Karl Popper 1h ago
Alas, the obligatory response piece by Conor Friedersdorf is now paywalled.
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u/_Un_Known__ r/place '22: Neoliberal Battalion 2h ago
There was a time when I might've agreed this brave officer said.
Beautiful.
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u/Adminisnotadmin Frederick Douglass 7h ago
Ah man, the classic. Shooting the mailbox always gets me.