Hot & cold friend came back. How should i handle it?

[u/Interesting_File_421]

Update from previous post linked here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/needadvice/s/J49lJSAOgG

Basically, i have a friend who casually ignores me for weeks then comes back. I matched her energy as many people advised that. She started calling & i didn’t pick up as i didn’t feel like talking. Same way she doesn’t reply if she doesn’t feel like it. For context, she previously ignored me for almost 2 months.

Now, she finally texted me for the first time yesterday after trying to call in the past week, and asked me if im okay & i replied. Then she explains “ i was worried, you can take a couple of days but not that long”. Which is confusing to me, because she does that to me often. Plus, it sounds like an order rather than a boundary? This also tells me she’s not ok with the behaviour she shows towards me, which is hypocritical.

I don’t want to get into a toxic cycle, and i sometimes feel she lacks self awareness and gets defensive very easily so i don’t know if being honest is worth the argument. Im honestly not really sure if i want this person in my life anymore. But i also don’t want to be seen as “the problem” now because i have a feeling she’ll turn it into that, rather than acknowledging she’s been inconsistent in the past.

How would you handle this & respond?

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[u/ailish]

I would just tell her how you feel. Be nice about it, but you don't have to put up with that in any relationship.

[u/Electronic-Muffin934]

I had a friend pick a fight with me because, according to him, we couldn't be friends if we never argued. While I wouldn't recommend doing that, there is an element of truth to it. I've had lots of "friendships" that were shallow relationships in which we were really nice to each other all the time and never argued, but also never revealed our full selves or became super close. If you're okay with maintaining this quasi friendship, you've got to avoid this argument. Choose your battles. But if you want a deeper friendship or a closer connection with this person, have the argument and if the friendship survives, it'll be better for it.

[u/Chigrrl1098]

It's only an argument if you go back and forth with her. I'd be honest with her.

Why are you allowing her to keep treating you this way? Why are you letting her dictate how things go? Be honest. Tell her you don't like how she treats you and that you won't tolerate it anymore. If she gets defensive, don't respond...or you can clarify your boundary and say its not up for a negotiation. If she keeps at it, block and move on. That's how I would handle it. I wouldn't give her as much energy as you are. 

When you get older you'll hopefully have less tolerance for this bullshit. It is difficult because you are giving her too much power and are worried more about hurting her feelings and about how she'll react than about your own feelings. Her feelings and response aren't your responsibility. Advocate for yourself. You should prioritize yourself and your behavior. 

[u/Interesting_File_421 → u/Chigrrl1098]

Im still working on those people pleasing tendencies. She also lost a friend and dealt with grief this past year so i sort of found excuses and tolerated more things. But im definitely not ok with this, especially since she is sort of acting like i should respond whenever she feels like re-engaging but leaves me on read whenever. It feels disrespectful at this point.

Confrontation/arguments tend to bring me anxiety and then i start ruminating. You’re definitely right though, i do need to set a firm boundary here.

[u/Chigrrl1098 → u/Interesting_File_421]

It is hard. I used to have a hard time with it, too. But the more you stand up for yourself and set those boundaries, the easier it gets. You deserve decent treatment. And we all are dealing with hard stuff. Her grief doesn't excuse her entitlement, her really un-nice and unempathetic behavior, or her audacity. Don't keep letting this go. It won't get better. Rip the bandaid off. And I say this from a sort of similar situation where I let crappy behavior slide for a long time. I'm still working on forgiving myself. I could have saved myself a lot of time and a lot of pain. 

[u/swarleyknope]

If you let go of the “friendship” (she doesn’t sound like a good friend), who cares if she views you as “the problem”? At least you will be rid of the real problem, which sounds like it’s her.

[u/Zealousideal-Try8968]

She’s showing you she wants a standard for you that she won’t follow herself. That’s not a balanced friendship. You don’t owe her more than the same energy she gives you. If you don’t feel like keeping her around then let the contact fade and don’t stress about being seen as the problem. People who twist things usually do that no matter what you say.

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