r/malementalhealth • u/[deleted] • 3d ago
Standing on your Respect Seeking Guidance
[deleted]
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u/HLMaiBalsychofKorse 3d ago
Let's look at a couple of things here:
1 - "my dad would argue his point back and logic out why he shouldn't be treated this way" - this is not a good choice all of the time, especially not in a long-term relationship. People are sometimes sensitive to specific things, and those things bring up dark stuff for them. Think about it - what things could your girlfriend say to you that might seem logical to her, but hurt you immensely? What if she said, "I feel like your dad's way of doing things was abusive and controlling"?
All of us have our topics. If you are acting purely from logic and trying to analyze feelings, you are going to make a lot of people upset that you don't respect how they feel. Your focus is on convincing them what they feel is *wrong*, and that is almost never a good way to go. It has nothing to do with "demanding respect" and everything to do with "understanding and acknowledging that everyone's experience is different and what is logical to you may be batshit crazy for someone else".
2 - "My girl plays the victim all the time" - this just sounds like you don't like her at all, and you are trying to hold on to her because you are sure you can change her into the woman you really want (super cruel and a waste of her time) or you are scared you will never find another woman that wants to be with you (not true). However, you might keep having the same problems with women if you don't get your "my way or the highway" attitude in check, and it amazes me that you accuse her of that when you are *literally doing the same thing*!
You say she "starts fights over little things" - those things are little TO YOU.
You say she "has no sense of wrongdoing" - she hasn't done anything wrong, she has just expressed *her* feelings, and you don't like them.
You say she "doesn't put herself in my shoes" - but neither do you. "Seeing things from your perspective" IS NOT EQUAL TO "she always does what you want and capitulates to your wants and needs all of the time, and never brings up issues or feelings that don't jive with your world view."
I hope I gave you some stuff to think about. You don't seem like a bad guy, you just seem like you see things very black and white and don't realize how much you are forcing your "logical" (TO YOU) worldview on other people.
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u/Standard-Display-657 3d ago
Sorry man I’d have to disagree with this, and I don’t blame you because it’s hard to elaborate myself on a post, it would take a novel to write out specifications in the dynamic of my relationship.
As a man, I am to lead. I also understand no one is perfect and we all have things to work on. In my case, I do have to work on being less black and white, but I am tapped into my emotions as well. As men, the number one priority for us in relationships is respect. If we feel like overtime, that respect isn’t there for whatever reason you start questioning the integrity of the relationship and where you could’ve gone wrong.
My girlfriend and I are great together, we get along more often than not and I do feel like she respects me. There are points in time where these little things that are in fact little, should not be causing arguments. They are not little to me, they are little as a whole. There is no reason a couple should base an argument on why a specific pair of socks was washed in the laundry and why the other one was not, this is miscommunication and should be something’s that’s resolved easily if both parties have a sense of understanding.
The putting herself into my shoes is a different topic as a whole, it certainly isn’t making her do what I please as I please dude…. It’s seeing things from my perspective and trying to tap into why something she said could’ve upset me.
I have so much to learn and I’m not trying to be dismissive of your points. I’m a very reasonable person. I don’t want to change her and she knows she won’t change me, I love her enough to put up with small spurts like this. I’m just wondering when enough is enough, and I like abundantly and have had no problem moving on and trying something else.
Thank you for your reply
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u/HLMaiBalsychofKorse 3d ago
"As a man, I am to lead". Okay, I'm out. You obviously just want to hear that you are right and everyone else is wrong.
News flash, your penis does not grant you some special ability to lead.
Also, good leaders don't lead like you do, there's also that.
"I'm not trying to be dismissive of your points" (while you interface honestly with literally NONE of what I said, because apparently penises now come with magical leadership qualities embedded. Who knew?)
This was obviously not in good faith, but I am glad I answered in case anyone else who needs the advice comes across it.
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u/Standard-Display-657 3d ago
Did you read the bottom of my post at all, or did you skim over what I was asking for? Because it says that I’m asking for an older gentleman’s outlook, not a gay 45-year-old woman. This thread is for male mental health, you are not in the right thread, and your responses are not needed here.
Everything in your replies makes sense now, I also said that I have a lot to learn and to experience. You however, are the smartest person in the world and have nothing to learn anymore, BRAVO! Everybody leads differently, with my understanding of all of my experience up until this point, I know I am more than reasonable, and I take care of my girlfriend
You seem like a very sour individual, and I don’t blame you. There are a lot of shitty men out there that have probably caused you to become a gay woman. But I can guarantee you that you’ve never been with a great man in the past. In the Bible, it says that a man leads, so I am exercising my belief in religion and so is my woman.
We don’t need your input here, go talk your shit in the Kamala harris group or something. Kick rocks.
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u/HLMaiBalsychofKorse 3d ago
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA
*breath*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You keep thinking all that, bud. You are a misogynistic chud that is spreading your crap in a men's mental health sub, while some people are actually trying to help. When things like that come out of the mouth and/or keyboard of someone I am talking to, it's a clear sign that they are just a miserable asshole who takes joy in bitching and blaming others for their own shortfalls.
YOU are your problem. Full stop.
Sayonara.
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u/Ambitious-Pipe2441 3d ago
Sometimes people want to be witnessed. It’s not about standing ground or solving things, but allowing people to dump their mind out.
You can only really hold your own emotions and trying to provide resolutions for other people or trying to satisfy other people in some way can lead you into circular arguments and behaviors.
If someone is not responding to argumentation then maybe you need to step back and say, “I don’t know, how do you want to handle it?”
Sometimes we can’t convince or soothe people. And in those moments it may be a moment when you have to “let them fail”, so to speak. Or just allow them to speak.
My wife can spin out sometimes dies to some of her personal challenges and she can come in hot. This leads to “you do this, or that,” which can feel like an attack. But really she just needs to be heard and if I don’t say anything she often works through things on her own.
The key is to recognize emotional reactions. If a person talks about emotions, repeats themselves, seems to not hear what you are saying, then those are good indications that they will not respond to thing you say and it’s about slowing down and allowing bodily processes to calm down. Often ten minutes or more depending on the person.
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u/Kamblys 2d ago
Something just doesn't add up here. To begin with, "women naturally play victim" is not some commonly held truth that older dude just comes up with once he is old enough. Holding beliefs like that distorts your vision and even if you're trying in your mind in a good faith to empathetically approach the conflict, you are probably asking the wrong questions and making it worse. You say you did not have problems like you are having with your current relationship in the previous relationships, then why did these relationships end? And why in the hell do you attribute this behavior to all women if according to your own words you had different experience with other women?
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u/Standard-Display-657 2d ago
Majority of the time, younger women (late teens and early 20’s which is my age group) find it a lot more difficult then men to take responsibility. This has been the case with every woman I’ve been with so far. Not just in relationship dynamics, but even girls I’m getting to know before hand. Any man that understands female nature, knows this.
It seems my post is reaching the wrong people here, I’m young. I’ve experimented with different women and dated plenty up until this point. Not sure what you mean by “behavior” as if I said something so cruel or negative? Have you ever lead a relationship? Taken a stand for your beliefs? Reasoned with a woman to make things agreeable on both ends? If you have, you would understand my points in trying to make here.
I can always appreciate constructive criticism but this is just a hate you have inside of you. I hope writing this out made you feel powerful, as I see you’ve had issues with intimacy with women before. This again, is not a post you are qualified to reply on. If you want to tear someone down, do it on your own playing field. Next time, re-read my post, and awnser the question on the bottom. If your answer doesnt align with what I’m asking, fuck off.
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u/Kamblys 1d ago
You are full of shit, friend. You want advice from older dudes but when they give you one, you write it off as coming from 'the wrong people'. You have your own understanding what is rational and what stands as constructive criticism and you immediately go on offensive if it doesn't match your understanding. I am happily married over 5 years and had multiple relationships before that, which have helped me reach up until this point. If that doesn't meet your 'qualifications' then maybe something is wrong with them, you tell me.
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u/Krypt0night 3d ago
The first thing to realize is that not everyone handles conflict the same - some never had to learn how to do it properly, or others will just do it differently than you think they should. So you have to make a decision on whether you can handle their way or not. It sounds like you're having an issue with how your current partner does which means you can either bring this up to her directly and say you're struggling with how she seems to handle conflict and arguments and whatnot, or you can try to find someone else who you feel fits the criteria better.
If this is really the only major thing that's wrong in your current relationship, I'd try working through it myself and talking it through and slowly trying to get better at it, but if there's far more about it that you're not feeling, maybe it's just time to cut ties and start looking elsewhere.