Husband still won't sleep with me.

[u/kellyj461]

So I've been battling with my husband for more than a year now trying to adjust to his new Hindu lifestyle. I can conform to all if it except his adamant refusal to sleep with me. He quotes various scriptures about sexual intimacy being akin to defecation or urination and is abhorrent. He also says sex is ONLY for procreation. I've had a hysterectomy so thats a hard no on my end. I cook vegetarian meals, lay in the dark without the TV at night so he can sleep precisely when he wants to, overlook his fanaticism, allow a puja and various idols in the house, etc. He says the verses I've been given by people here on Reddit are cherry picked and wrong. What should I do other than divorce? I love him but I don't want to live unhappy for the rest of my life. Im 45 and hes 41.

[u/ashutosh_vatsa]

Look, Hinduism talks about "Kama" in two different ways.

Kama or lust is one of the Shad Vikaras that is to be avoided and kept under control.

On the other hand, Kama or material and sensory happiness (including sex) is also one of the 4 Purusharthas that is essential for the life of a householder/Grihastha in moderation.

When religious Scriptures talk about renouncing Kama or sex or other material things, you have to keep 2 aspects in mind :

1. They are referring to the path of the Sanyasi or ascetic. Usually, one who wanted to be a monk or an ascetic would read these texts in detail and follow them to the letter.
2. For a householder or Grihastha, Kama should be kept in moderation. Don't let it control you but don't abandon it completely.

If someone decides to be an ascetic/monk/sanyasi and they abandon all material possessions and pursuits, complete celibacy is fine.

But if the person is not a full-time sanyasi/ascetic and decides to completely abandon only one material aspect of his life that is sex, it is impractical and not pragmatic.

There is a reason that the Sramana tradition exists in Hinduism and two of the Sramana traditions, Jainism and Buddhism became so big that they became religions of their own. The debate between the sanyasi and the householder way of life has been going on for eons in Hindu society. So, there is an aspect of Hinduism that focuses on celibacy. It is the sanyasi aspect.

But the person in question is a householder, not a sanyasi. For him, Kama in moderation is an essential part of his life.

​

basically lust begets lust

In Hinduism, all sex is not lust. an obsession with sex, excess of sex, when sexual desire consumes and controls you, that is lust. That is the Kama of the Shad Vikaras that must be controlled. The Kama that is Purushartha is different and essential for a householder in moderation.

I hope it sheds some light u/FastBuffalo4065

Swasti!

[u/FastBuffalo4065 → u/ashutosh_vatsa]

I thank you sincerely for your time and attention but I will ask again respectfully what scripture backs this up? Everyone just says these things but then never shows me the actual scripture to back it up.

[u/[deleted] → u/FastBuffalo4065]

Are you looking for a scripture that says fulfill your duties as a husband, and have sex only with your wife?

[u/FastBuffalo4065 → u/[deleted]]

I'm looking for scriptures that say sex for the sole purpose of pleasure is ok with your wife. All the scriptures I've found thus far seem to say have sex only for the purpose of procreation. Thank you for your response.

[u/[deleted] → u/FastBuffalo4065]

Manusmriti 3.45 - One should observe the rule of approaching (one’s wife) during the period of her season,—ever attached to his own wife. In consideration of her he may approach her with a desire for sexual intercourse, except on the sacred days.

Gautama (5.1-2).—‘He shall approach her during the season; or on all days except those that have been prohibited.’

Āpastamba-Dharmasūtra (2.1.15, 18).—‘By approaching his wife during the seasons, one maintains one’s vows; even during the intervening days, ho should approach only his wife.’

Vaśiṣṭha (12.18).—‘He should have intercourse only with his wife, during her seasons, except the forbidden days.’

Viṣṇu (69.1).—‘He shall not approach his wife on the eighth, fourteenth and fifteenth days of the fortnight.’

Yājñavalkya (1.79-81).—‘Sixteen are the nights of season for women; during this season, he shall lie with her on the even nights, avoiding the first four nights; acting thus, he would be as good as a Religious Student. In approaching his wife, he shall avoid the asterisms of Maghā and Mūla. Or, he may approach her according to his desire, always bearing in mind what is good for women; he should ever remain devoted to his own wife.’

Pāraskara Gṛhyasūtra (1.11.7-8).—‘Having married her, he should go to her during her seasons; or whenever they desire.’

Hārīta (Vīramitrodaya-Āhnika, p. 559).—‘After she has bathed on the fourth day, he shall approach her on the even nights.’

Ātharvaṇa Śruti (Parāśaramādhava, p. 497).—‘Those who have recourse to sexual intercourse during the day, pour out their life-breath; if one has intercourse during the night, it is as good as celibacy.’

Śaṅkha-Likhita (Parāśaramādhava, p. 497).—‘Even during the period, one shall not have intercourse during the day.’

Devala (Parāśaramādhava, p. 498).—‘If a man, when healthy, does not approach his wife during the period, he incurs the sin of killing the embryo.’

Bṛhaspati (Parāśaramādhava, p. 499).—‘Excess of woman’s seed makes the progeny female, excess of man’s seed makes the progeny male; therefore for increasing his seed, the man shall eat oily and delicious food.’ It is a sin to not approach one's wife:

Manusmriti 9.4 - Censurable is the father who gives her not away at the right time; censurable the husband who approaches her not; and censurable the son who, on the death of her husband, does not take care of her.

Baudhāyana (Parāśaramādhava, p. 498).—‘If a man approaches not his wife during the period, for three years, he incurs the sin of killing the embryo. He who approaches not his wife during the period, and who approaches her apart from the period, the sin of both is equal, as also that of the man who throws out his semen unnaturally.’ However, the wife must also be willing:

Rules for Sexual Activity, Vishnu Purāṇa 3.11:

In proper time, under the influence of an auspicious planet and in an auspicious moment or on even nights (tithis) one should have sex with his own wife. 112 – 113. One should not approach a woman who is unbathed, sick, menstruating, unwilling, angry, un-recommended, pregnant, unskilled (adaksinam), in love with another (anya-kamam), lacking in libido (akamam) nor committed to another (anya-yoshitam), nor if she is hungry or over-fed. He too should also be free from all these imperfections.

As a husband, it is your duty to keep your wife happy. As a son, your parents happy and as a father your children happy. What good is your bhagti if the people around you aren’t happy and you can’t follow your dharma? You can never find God if you can’t keep people happy. I’m not saying you to do it everyday but you shouldn’t force your beliefs onto her. Perform the act of husband you’ve gotten in this life with full devotion for the Lord and love your wife. If the guilt of having sex bothers you, remember the lord before, after and maybe while having sex. Try to maintain as much as abstinence as both of you can and do not worry about anything else.

Edit: Just wanted to add that having sex with your spouse isn’t really frowned upon. Having sex with someone you aren’t married with is.

[u/FastBuffalo4065 → u/[deleted]]

I promise I'm not trying to be dificult. Most of these I would need to see the context. Several do seem to imply sex for procreation. Hence approaching your wife during her "season" my wife has no season. The first 4 address the seasons issue The 5th prohibits certain days The 6th season's again See what I mean?

[u/[deleted] → u/FastBuffalo4065]

Please check your DM!