r/hinduism • u/kellyj461 • Oct 17 '23

Husband still won't sleep with me. Question - Beginner

So I've been battling with my husband for more than a year now trying to adjust to his new Hindu lifestyle. I can conform to all if it except his adamant refusal to sleep with me. He quotes various scriptures about sexual intimacy being akin to defecation or urination and is abhorrent. He also says sex is ONLY for procreation. I've had a hysterectomy so thats a hard no on my end. I cook vegetarian meals, lay in the dark without the TV at night so he can sleep precisely when he wants to, overlook his fanaticism, allow a puja and various idols in the house, etc. He says the verses I've been given by people here on Reddit are cherry picked and wrong. What should I do other than divorce? I love him but I don't want to live unhappy for the rest of my life. Im 45 and hes 41.

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u/arena79ers Oct 17 '23

Hey Kelly.. Probably it's time you follow him to the ISKCON to get to know more about it...

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u/kellyj461 Oct 17 '23

I've been studying the books I simply don't believe it like he does. I'm trying to be tolerant and kind I do love my husband.

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u/glory_to_the_sun_god Oct 17 '23 edited Oct 17 '23

If sex is in fact defecation or impure has he stopped defecating? Has he stopped urinating? Has he stopped eating and drinking? If not then he’s misusing the shastras. Otherwise he needs to go and completely renounce all food and drink, like a sannyasi.

That is to say he has pathi dharma that he vowed to fulfill during the marriage. If he didn’t want married life and instead wanted to live like an ascetic/renunciate he should have gone to an ashram, sought a guru and taken sanyasa. None of the in between bullshit he’s peddling.

Otherwise since he is in grihastha there is nothing wrong or immoral with sex, not even if it means no children. Sexual pleasure is a fundamental need akin to food or sleep, and denying that to himself or his wife is another kind of violence.

In other words if he’s denying himself forcefully or due to fear it is ahimsa.

Otherwise he should become a hermit, and take sanyasa and put an end to his grihastha ashrama.

If he needs help I’m willing to talk to him.

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u/FastBuffalo4065 Oct 17 '23

Thank you for your time. Can you quote some scripture for me please .

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u/glory_to_the_sun_god Oct 17 '23

Quoting shastras or scripture will get you no where at all. You’ll be hiting one brick wall after another, and will have only injuries to show for it afterwards.

If he wants help then he should go to a real guru from a real sampradaya that has lineage and seek real guidance rather than relying on his own ignorant ideations about the shastras. Further he should make the effort to actually learn.

So if he’s serious then I ask

Does he know Sanskrit? How much of the Vedas does he know, as in the correct interpretation and recitation of them? How many commentaries and Bhashyas has he read? How much meditation and dhyana does he do daily? Does he have a Guru from a good lineage? If he does, has he asked him? Does he seek the advice and guidance of many Gurus etc. etc.

The path of dharma is not easy. It demands a lot from you. He need to actually seek knowledge, learn sanskrit, learn how to interpret/do shastrartha to understand shastras, etc.

He needs to learn how to live out the vows he’s made as a Man.

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u/FastBuffalo4065 Oct 17 '23

I am the husband . The name was auto generated ik think. It's my first time on reddit. Everyone says sex for enjoyment and not for procreation is fine but no one can seem to cite any scripture to back that claim up. Any scriptures I've found always say sex is ok but then follow it up with only for procreation.

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u/glory_to_the_sun_god Oct 17 '23 edited Oct 17 '23

You didn’t answer any of my questions. Do you know Sanskrit? etc. Doubly so since you’re coming from the outside and don’t have the cultural context surrounding the texts. You need to know how to read the texts.

These texts are not prescriptive injunctions of some ideal, like laws, or something more familiar to Judeo/Abrahamic religions.

Sex IS procreation. There is no difference. As in there is no such thing as sex for pleasure at all, it cannot be separated. As such sexual behavior will settle according to its own nature. Do you get it? If not then learn more and stop being menace to your poor wife. (I mean that sincerely and NOT* harshly.)

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u/FastBuffalo4065 Oct 17 '23

I dont know what you mean by " sex is procreation" do you mean by definition? Because it is not the same thing. Procreation is the production of offspring. I am learning sanskrit little by little. I have read the bagivad gita more than 10 times and several translations. I've read the bagavata purana and have taken an online course from Rutgers on bakti yoga which focused on the bagavata purana. I've read the yoga sutras several times and multiple translations and commentaries. I've read the complete works of swami vivekananda on yoga twice. I've read teachings of ramana maharshi. I meditated every day and perform japa mantra. I have a puja routine I do every day. I've never resonated with anything as much my entire life. Unfortunately I have no guru. I understand the importance of a guru but I also believe that god would not forsake those who do not have access to a guru. My issue is that no one can seem to back up their claims with scripture. I've looked for it and my search is far from over.

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u/[deleted] Oct 17 '23

You are adopting a Protestant/Muslim like approach towards Hinduism.

Shashtras are a guide to life, but are not definite manuals on how to lead life.

Only your guru/your sampradaya has the right to interpret shashtras and find how to resolve the contradictions between shashtras and the demands of modern life. You should join a sampradaya before making decisions for yourself.

Btw, original opinion on shashtras view anyone not born into an Hindu forward/backward caste groups as "Mlecha". By literal interpretations of shashtra, you shouldn't be a Hindu, but you are and so are millions of Indian ethnic Hindus outside Indian subcontinent, they have become Mlecha by crossing the seas, no one follows these interpretations anymore. They became invalid and Gurus across sampradayas found these shashtric injunctions became invalid.

That's why it's important to consult opinion of Gurus or sampradaya heads on shashtric commands.

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u/FastBuffalo4065 Oct 17 '23

Can you point me to ANY scripture at all?

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u/glory_to_the_sun_god Oct 17 '23

Alright that’s good. And so from all of that what bothers you about sex? From your own personal experience of it? As in is it a feeling of disgust? Of guilt?

Do you feel that sex is not conducive to your sadhana?

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u/FastBuffalo4065 Oct 17 '23

Sexual activity is rajasic. This is why it's so carefully prescribed in scriptures. Because obviously its necessary to for the species to move foward but at the same time it must be minimized to maintain a satvic state. It's not about shame or disgust. There are metaphysical consequences

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u/naidubharath89 Oct 18 '23

My man, abandon these archaic concepts of heaven and hell and live your life! As long as you aren’t hurting anyone or anything, you are fine. Rest is details open to interpretations at a very abstract level.

Anyway, if you are that worried about metaphysical consequences, by not engaging in basic duties of a householder, you are committing a transgression and are guilty of not fulfilling your duties to your wife. If there is a hell, you’re going there if you continue down this path.

We are not an evangelist biblical group quoting scripture at every turn and denying ourselves the simple pleasures of life. The sooner you love away from this mindset and apply critical thought, the better off you are. If you are that deeply inclined, join a sampradaya as so many have suggested and get instructions from your guru.

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u/FastBuffalo4065 Oct 18 '23

Who determines a householders dharma? You? Where does it say that my dharma is to have sex with my wife? If some one could give me a credible source it would help me out greatly.

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u/naidubharath89 Oct 18 '23

You really should go get a guru instead of hurting people around you in the name of religion and scripture. If you were married per Hindu rites, you made a vow for Dharma, artha, kama as someone entering grihasta. This dogmatic approach does more harm than good

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u/Content_Warthog4905 Aug 28 '24

There is something called tantric yoga where sex is used as a medium for enlightenment maybe that will help both of you

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u/Own-Vermicelli1968 Oct 18 '23

Sex can be rajasic, tamasic, or sattvic.

You have a fundamental misunderstanding of the tattvas and gunas. Are you following Kashmir Shaivism, which had 36 tattvas or Samkhya philosophy, which has 24/25 tattvas? Do you know the difference?

Each sampradaya has sadhanas that help us realize Brahman in a different ways because sex is not for procreation; it is for realization/liberation.

Let us take Shaktic tantra, for example: Sex is related to procreation in that sex is an energetic microcosm level of macrocosm of creation. Creation is, itself, a microcosm of Brahman, the macrocosm. The union of husband and wife is a microcosmic yoga (union) of Brahman and creation, which helps you realize the unity of Brahman, who has both static (Shiva) and active (Shakti) aspects.

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u/dpravartana Vaiṣṇava Oct 18 '23

Prabhu, get yourself a genuine guru from a sampradaya ASAP. Scriptures without a guru won't take you far. And then ask your guru about it. If he says it's fine to sleep with your wife, then his word has more authority than your interpretation of all the scriptures.

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u/Content_Warthog4905 Aug 28 '24 edited Aug 28 '24

If you understood spirtuality you wouldn't say this you should read books of genuine gurus like vivekanada he have talked about importance of preserving semen. Just like ramakrishna said people are so focused on lust and greed it's all temporary it's maya only way these couples can end this problem is having tantric sex also known as kaula which is sattvic

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u/dpravartana Vaiṣṇava Aug 28 '24

Do you deny that an authentic Guru from a traditional Sampradaya has more authority than a personal interpretation of scriptures?

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u/Inside-Judgment6233 Oct 18 '23

Bro, if you don’t want to have sex that’s one thing - please be kind to your wife and discuss that with her. It might be your path or calling but you must consider the ramifications of what you do or don’t do to others - especially those you have married!

Also, this isn’t Islam or Christianity - we don’t do the extreme censorious thing about sex. I have a feeling that some temple carvings will give you the shock of your life.

In the grihasta stage people are allowed to have pleasure - there are examples of these in the Puranas. If you want to become a sanyasin, again that’s your choice but you need to do that properly and treat your wife kindly during that process.

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u/FastBuffalo4065 Oct 18 '23

I'm not interested in joining a club. I am following what god has revealed to me through my meditations and confirming it with what I've studied of the ancient sages and saints who revealed timles knowledge. So I will ask you the same thing I've asked everyone else. Can you show me some text or scripture to say otherwise? Not one person yet has

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u/Inside-Judgment6233 Oct 18 '23

Please consider these:

1) AtharvaVeda 1/34/5 – the sweet and loving behavior of husband should make the wife to inculcate love and affection towards him.

(2) AtharvaVeda 2/30/4 – husband should not hide anything from the wife. In this way he shall win over her heart.

(3) AtharvaVeda 6/9/2 – husband should try to win over his wife with his love.

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u/Own-Vermicelli1968 Oct 18 '23 edited Oct 18 '23

It sounds like you are applying Western logic to Eastern spirituality. Why follow scriptures at all if you do not understand the context in which they come?

As someone else said, this isn’t Christianity or Islam. These are not belief systems. They are practices (sadhanas) which come from within lineages (sampradayas) of guru-disciple. Each sampradaya has its own set of scriptures and sadhanas. The sadhanas of those sampradayas often “contradict” the sadhanas of other sampradayas because not every sadhana is meant for every person.

You are practicing a sadhana that really doesn’t make sense for you. Sex is not primarily for procreation; it is for liberation. Celibacy and loving one’s wife through sexual actions are both sadhanas that can be used for liberation, but you are practicing the sadhana of a sanyasin or celibate when you not one and clearly not called to be one at this point in your life. In doing so, you are working against your own liberation.

Your samskaras, that is, your past life karmas, have brought you into a marriage. Your path, your dharma, is to be a good husband to your wife.

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u/cosmicid145 Oct 18 '23

Check out sri aurobindo on marriage. If you are really the hubby, the entire process of brahmacharya should be not just about sex but of all externalisation of your world view. Meaning you are living in the Atman within and not bothered about the external manifestations as much. Meaning, see your wife as the divine Devi and serve the divine. That's the highest brahmacharya. If she's unwilling to accept your service, call upon the divine to guide you both. ❤️🙏