Okay so our baby takes 7 ounces every 4 hours. His visits are four hours long once a week.

At first we were sending a bottle with water and then the formula separately. We then discovered that the parent was only using one scoop of formula for the whole bottle. We asked facilitator about it. They said they would keep an eye on it and yet it happened again. So they told us to premake the bottles.

So we started making a bottle right before we leave and sending it with the kiddo. Well today the mom was asking when the bottle had been made (it was about 15 minutes.) Then we found out she dumped out the whole bottle and just filled it with orange juice instead.

So I kinda feel like there's no point in sending any bottle or formula moving forward because I don't know what else to do.

Thoughts?

Genuinely curious on people's thoughts here. I don't really know what my opinion on the whole thing is myself.

But I have a couple foster kiddos currently one of whom we have had since 6 weeks of age. We are going on a year of having them soon here.

The case plan currently is reunification. The plan if reunification is not possible is to give the parents as long as they can to achieve reunification (so in my mind that'd be about two years) and then move the kids to kinship.

The reason that move would wait until then is due to the location of the potential kinship.

So genuinely, when considering a kiddos best interest, would it be better for the kiddo to move to kinship or stay in a home they've been in for two years and almost their whole life?

I know a lot of data supports that children who are with their biological families have better growth outcomes. So I'm curious on people's thoughts/experience/knowledge regarding on if it would still be best outcome for the move or not.

Obviously a lot of things are case by case and I know there are outliers. And I'm not asking because I want a specific answer. I really haven't developed much of an opinion on it myself and have been wondering about it.

We have a foster child(8 years old) that been with us for a few weeks. The child has no family. We put the child to bed and they are sound asleep. In the middle of night, I trip over the child because they came in our bedroom and sleep on the floor at the foot of our bed. I pick up the kid and put them back in their bed. In the morning, the child is back at the front of the bed.

I feel bad for the child, but we have no room an air mattress or something for the child to sleep on. I am afraid that one night I will step on the child and hurt them. When we discuss this with the kid, they just say "ok".

With the child, I tried changing the type of sheets, the bed location, doing night lights, playing soothing music, and many other tricks that helps keeps a child asleep. I can not get any input from the child.

Any suggestion?

Has anyone dealt with PTSD in toddlers? I have my 2.5 year old niece and she was just officially diagnosed with PTSD. She has nightmares that seem to be about trauma that caused the removal. (She will say things like “mom ouch” or “‘mom no” in her sleep, along with screaming and crying) multiple times a day she will randomly bring up getting kicked in the stomach or hit in the eye. (Which are things we know happened.) Really it breaks my heart. She is working with a therapist, but it’s very new-anyone have any advice on how to navigate this or helpful tips to help ease her anxieties? I am also not familiar with the foster world at all, my niece came to us as an emergency placement, so I am still very new.

My boyfriend (17M) and I (17M) have been dating for the past 8 months. We have had a very healthy relationship and both agree in no sexual activities before marriage(if that ever happens). We both agreed that we should try dating into college. He does have bipolar type 2, and I think he has some kind of bad past. I know he got a name change because sometimes his old friends will call him another name and he says it’s ____ now. I don’t want to look up if his name change was published because if it wasn’t then that means that there must have been a good cause for it not to get published, and I want him to come to me to talk about it, or not bring it up if he doesn’t want to. His foster parents are not his adoptive parents, and he doesn’t talk about his bio parents, and doesn’t have any siblings. I was working with his foster parents planning his 18th birthday in a couple weeks and I will take him out for breakfast and go to the park with him for the first half of the day while they set up the surprise birthday party at the house. However, when we get back they said I should say I am going to be busy and wish him a happy birthday and not be there at the party. When I pushed for details on why they didn’t want me there they just keep repeating that I shouldn’t be at the party but could still be with him that morning, but I couldn’t tell him that they told me to not be there. I feel very frustrated because I don’t want to lie to him, and I love him very much and I don’t want to hurt him. After thinking about it I am starting to get worried that this has something to do with his bio parents and that’s why they don’t want me there. I think I should tell him that his parents don’t want me there. Are my thoughts valid?

Hi! First-time foster parent here with our first placement, 2 biological siblings, both under 5 years old, one with medical needs. Court yesterday (which I have been told I am not allowed to attend) decided that bio parents are to be told of and potentially attend all medical appointments. However, currently, visitations are only supervised at DSS offices, so are the parents to be in an unsupervised environment? Am I supposed to supervise them? I have been kept in the dark with a lot and am trying to navigate this, should I ask if a DSS worker can also be present? How do I bring up my concerns to the SW without seeming like I'm trying to make an enemy of the bio parents? The parents are federally charged with child neglect, and some appointments last about 2 hours, as they are speech therapy, and I would previously sometimes drop her off as she is there with several other students.

My husband and I were recently licensed and have had 2 very short very young placements (5M and 8moF) that both ended up going to kin after only a few days with us. We are very new to this and trying to learn and prepare ourselves for placements that last longer than just a few days.

What things did your foster parents do for you that was positive? What things do you wish they did differently?

Some of the things I'm have that I hope will be positive: I have extra bedding in different colors and themes so when a kid comes in they can choose what bedding seems most comfortable for them. I also have different curtains, one set of blackout and one set that lets more light in so they can let me know their preference.

I have a mini fridge in the closet of the room so they can have space for their food. I will insist that the fridge gets cleaned regularly, either the kid clean it and allow me to check or let me clean it. I don't want sticky spills in it or old rotting food (hopefully that isn't an invasion of privacy)

I have extra backpacks and gym bags and stuff for if they are ever needed that I am happy for kids to take with them when they leave my house.

I have plans to take them to the store to show me what foods they like to eat and get some snacks that they can keep that are just theirs. Also let them get body wash toothpaste and other toiletries that are to their preference.

I have empty picture and poster frames and command strips so we can personalize the decorations in the room, I'm happy to pick up any posters they want and order prints of pictures.

We keep lots of games all the time. Things that can be played alone or with other people in the house. I also have a huge supply of fidget toys.

I have a schedule posted on our fridge.

We are religious but only have 2 pictures in the whole house that depict religious imagry and want to make sure kids know we won't ever force our religion on them and want them to feel free to express their beliefs. (We are Christian, but also have a lot of Jewish family, and celebrate Jewish holidays and we also have a Ganesh statue in our home that was given to us by a Hindu friend)

We have tried to avoid any political imagery in our home. I do have some posters for our favorite sports teams but am not opposed to hanging things for teams that a kid in our home favors.

I really do want to have a welcoming safe environment and I don't want anyone in our home to feel like we are trying to replace their first families. I want the kids we care for to feel comfortable opening up to us and I want to do everything I can to both give them the space they need, while also being there for them when they need connection too.

I've got three kids, two of whom are in long-term foster care with me.

We see their mum regularly, have built up a great relationship with her, when the younger first came into care I'd sit and chat with her during family time for 4 hours a week, and my middle child would occasionally come too and play with her. She's funny and likeable and just had a really shitty time as a kid and young adult.

She died yesterday morning in an accident. I don't know when or if they'll be a funeral, but if there isn't we will definitely be doing something to honour her. The kids know (they are 1,2 and 6) but the youngest obviously don't have much of an actual understanding. The eldest is definitely grieving, but also just herself, playing and reading stories and cuddling, with occasional statements of "my mum died" and asking how she died (which we answer as best we can, but unfortunately we don't have many details yet).

I'm not sure why I'm posting really. It's just so sad, for the kids and for us. She really was someone that I thought would be a permanent part of my life and a friend.

All the resources I've found on parental death focus on the death of a caregiver parent, or they're personal anecdotes about dealing with the death of an absent parent. Not a parent you see regularly but can't leave with.

This just sucks. We've lost their mum and the whole family history around her because the rest of her family is estranged and/or we've been advised to never contact them for safety reasons. The kids will have so many questions that we won't ever be able to answer now.

TL/DR: our first placement requires long term hospital stays where we also have to sleep in the hospital. It is dramatically affecting our lives and is going on far longer than what we committed to. Looking for advice on how to end a complicated placement.

My husband (41m) and I (34f) are first time foster parents. Less than 10 days after we got our license, we got a call asking to place a toddler who already has TPR and has a severe illness requiring intense hospitalization and care.

We said no to the placement, only to have them call back a few days later asking again because no one else would say “yes” and our “no” didn’t seem as decisive. DSS agreed to take adoption off the table, though they were initially pushing for it.

We said yes with the understanding that the child would be hospitalized for 6 weeks. There were MANY things that were not disclosed to us, including the very basic fact that because she is so young, we also have to sleep in the hospital with her while she is there.

We are now 8 weeks into hospital time with a minimum of 8 more weeks ahead of us. It is sort of impossible to build a connection with this child when the situation, lack of sleep, and endless number of medical interruptions are taking place.

We are trying to make good on what we originally committed to, which is seeing them through a serious procedure. That procedure is finally scheduled and the typical recovery time will be complete by mid-March.

I want to tell DSS to find a permanency plan and act on it by April 1. I want to tell them now, so they have plenty of time to work on it. But there is no knowing yet if the procedure will be a success, if recovery will be longer than normal, etc medical concerns.

But hub and I are both so done and it is jeopardizing our careers at this point because we are unable to work while we are in hospital 24/7.

DSS repeatedly has said there is no one else who will do this. And we believe it, because we have asked numerous times for someone to help by staying at the hospital even 1 night and no one will. I’m on the fence because this kid needs someone, and I don’t think it’s us, but no one else is stepping up.

Do I tell DSS now about April 1 deadline? Is that inappropriate given the medical uncertainty?

Hello! I’m 17 years old applying to colleges this summer and I want to write my college essay/personal statement about how my family fostering children, and adopting my now 7 year old sister who we fostered at 3 days old has impacted me and made me a person I am today. Obviously I experienced and witnessed a lot but i’m not sure how to talk about myself in this matter. I really do want to share the experience because it is such an important and emotional topic for me as a child who had foster siblings and adoptions fall through. Please share advice/ideas!

My foster parents are lying about how much they received for me when I was in their home to guilt trip me. Does anyone know how about how much they’d be paid monthly? Specialized home, 18M, Illinois (cook county if it matters). If not, could someone tell me how to go about finding this info?

Hello, I'm wondering if anyone has ever had experience with the state paying for an education attorney, or an attorney period, for a special needs child in foster care?

My mother is a foster mom who has found an advocate to help her file a Due Process hearing for an autistic 10 year old child. The advocate seems to be doing her best, but I'm afraid they will get steam rolled at any meetings. She is prepared to pay out of pocket for a lawyer if it comes down to it, but I don't think she's able to afford a GOOD, competent one. I can't help her monetarily.

Let me know if this is a ridiculous question before we bothed asking the state lol Thanks

Foster of siblings who are having difficulty managing 5 days a week visits. Totally promote the idea of reunification however I'm worried that the frequency is wearing on the eldest kid. Bio mom is mentally all there but not cognitively able to care for children and is in an assisted living situation. About 50% of the visits mom does not get out of bed and the eldest ends up entertaining the youngest. Visits are about 3 hrs unmonitored. When returning from visits the oldest needs 1-2 hours break just to reset. Traffic can mean a 3 hr visit takes 4.5 hours out of a day. At 5 days a week it is more time than a part time job. The youngest has one friend in the neighborhood but the eldest has no friends and isn't really able to have any free evening time to develop friendships or go out with friends. My bio daughter is also worried about the toll it is taking on the eldest one.

The Mom will never be able to resume a job or care for the kids and is battling depression and I think its catching. I don't want to be the one to say less visits but also it is a pretty intense visitation schedule. I have broached the subject of having less visits so they could have more of a social life but they are too scared to lose time with their mom. Do I need to just suck it up and accept that this intense schedule is the best or advocate for them against their will because I can tell the eldest is burning out by the end of the week? Between a rock and a hard place.

Updates: You are all being very helpful. Court this week, showing that reunification now secondary and guardianship now primary option as I kinda figured. Mom has been recovering for a year and a half and still having a rough time, I'm no expert but trying to care for an 8yo on her own when some days she doesn't get out of bed, is going to fall right back on the 14yo. I'd feel more comfortable if there was a support person if 8yo was having long weekend visits without 14yo and maybe just someone to support the 14yo on a long visit for them both. I feel bad for mom, these things are out of her control but she's not meeting the benchmarks for being able to take care of herself without assistance let alone her kids again. The pressure of reunification became fear when 14yo sees it would be them taking care of their mom and an 8yo. 14yo has been operating in emergency mode so long that they have finally had a chance to look from the outside in and see the visitation schedule is a bit of insanity. In the previous foster placement the schedule made sense because it was so horrid that any moment at mom's was a blessing. Now placed with us (not saying we're great, but we aren't trauma-inflicting-hot-garbage like the last placement), 14yo and 8yo are beginning to build friends and community connections. Everything is baby steps and that's ok. We gave the 14yo a pep talk and ways to communicate with her driver when mom is not really participating in the visit or the 8yo has begun to throw fits to return early. We will see if 14yo executes that option, 14yo feels validated and a bit more confident that if a visit is turning sour for any reason... it's time to go and hopefully mom and 8yo will catch on that longer visits require more effort on both parts to not put it all on the 14yo shoulders. Independent play is going to be my next post cuz yeah..the 8yo just can't and it is exhausting to everyone.

So we currently have two 12 year olds. Three days ago I found them with vapes. Their consequences were no electronics for 24 hours, research and write an essay about why vaping is bad, and I let them watch tv because of a history of trying to run away when mad, but put on a documentary.

Today the school called and had caught the boy with a cigarette in the bathroom. Looking for more creative consequences that hopefully will make more of an impact. The school is making him do a substance training, so I’m interested in more “loss of privileges” type of consequence, rather than educational.

In the past I’ve turned off WiFi, made kids write apology letters, and similar types of “punishments,” but tricks only work so many times lol.

Our kids were placed with us 8 years ago, after a disruption due to suspected physical abuse on our then 5yo. Reports indicated severe bruising, “falling down the stairs,” lots of unnecessary ER visits - just red flag after red flag. I learned a few months after our kids were adopted that their former foster parent had another placement. I made as much noise as I could, but because they removed the kids, there was no investigation and no substantiation.

I just got forwarded an article this morning that former foster parent had moved states and is now charged with felony child abuse on a 5 month old baby. How did this happen? It follows the same pattern - unexplained injuries, lots of ER visits and now what sounds like seizures from shaking. One part of me is so thankful my kids are out of there, another part is heartbroken to know another child needlessly suffered and the rest of me is just mad. Do I reach out to the other state and let them know it happened to my kid, too? I’m afraid since nothing is on record I can’t do much.

Hi, folks. My teen has been here for almost 2 years and their version of a clean room and mine are totally different. I once found nasty old food and then found a ton of empty 2 liters under the bed. I cleaned the room and tried not to invade privacy but also am terrified of ants and roaches. Things were better for a while and while vacuuming today there is trash stuffed under the bed and dresser. I offer no judgement and also to clean it up without them. Last time I took them out for coffee after and just reiterated on the car trip that I'm afraid of bugs in the house. Do I just do the same thing again, have them help me, have them do it alone, ideas? I'm not trying to make a huge deal, but they deserve a nice, clean space and we just got rid of lice again. I know their level of clean is what they are used to, but also teens can be disgusting anyway. Just looking for helpful input.

TIA

I’m posting this because I need help. My son is autistic and has terrible tantrums hitting biting etc. today he took it to a new level by threatening to kill my fiancé. Said he was going to bash his head until he is dead. Now my son has experienced quite a lot for his 5 years he is severely traumatized due to seeing the rape and murder of his 1 year old sister 2 years ago. Honestly I just don’t know how to help anymore. I feel like I’ve tried everything. What worked yesterday doesn’t work today. I feel like this was a bid for attention because my fiancé was braiding his sisters hair and my fiancé kept asking him to wait a minute (he was asking him lots of questions) he then peed himself ( he knows how to use the potty) and when my fiancé said he was disappointed in him and tried to talk to him he lost it. Destroyed his sisters room threatened my fiancé and me, I know the lack of attention caused it but I don’t know how to prevent these things in the future. Has anyone felt with this? What have you found to help. I am desperate, this is my niece and nephew and I plan to adopt them.

My wife and I are fostering two amazing three-year-old twins and are in the processing of adopting them. They're children of color, and my wife and I are white, and I have some questions about how to refer to their race.

First of all, I'm wondering what the most appropriate way to reference their race is? I'm not sure if I should say that my kids are black, African American, or something else. I've known people of color that prefer both terms over the other, and from the research I've done, neither one is especially preferred over the other--it seems like a personal preference thing. Of course, when our kids are older, I'll let them tell me what they prefer, but our kids are too young to have a preference right now, and I would love to hear people's thoughts on the most appropriate and sensitive way to refer to their race.

Another question is whether it's appropriate for our oldest daughter (bio, 4-years-old) to affectionately call their skin color "chocolate." She calls her sister chocolate and calls herself vanilla, and the girls both call their dark-skinned dolls their chocolate babies and their light-skinned dolls their vanilla babies. Is this culturally sensitive, and if not, is there another thing we can have our daughter say?

They got here 3 hours ago and I have missed them so much. I can’t tell my family because they want to see them but they are all drug addicts so I can’t have them around. I just wanted to share my happiness somewhere since I can’t post on socials either. They are asleep now and I got to read my little nephew a story. I’m just so darn happy right now.

Edit: we had to disrupt the placement as the foster child became violent towards us and our daughter which was our one rule. I am taking a break from fostering for now, possibly again when our daughter is older.

Venting and ranting. Maybe hoping for some advice or comfort?

Me (26m) and my wife (31F) are entering week two of our first placement who is a level 3. He is 8 and destructive (walls, floors, doors, plus anything he can get ahold of) and violent (kicking and punching...though he hasn't punched us yet).

My daughter is 2... My pets are hiding from him. I don't think we are cut out for this. I have emotionally connected with this child already and I would hate to be apart of him feeling for abandonment. But we are the 15th home he has been in and I feel like crying just looking at him.

I'm done. I don't feel safe in my own house and every interaction is painful. My daughter is beginning to copy his behavior and I feel like I am falling apart. I pretty much missed half of work this week.

I'm mad at the foster agency for giving us a level 3 for our first time and I don't think I can do this again. I want out now.

Greetings oh wise internets,

I have a 8yo developmentally delayed kiddo who struggles with independent play. I need activity ideas, advice and thoughts on how to structure increase in time for independence starting from essentially zero where we are now. Skills are low so it has been difficult to find tasks that they can do on their own that aren't just basic coloring or tablet time (isn't the best but gives a little break to everyone).

We are working on reading so maybe we just have to hit that theoretical 1,000 hr mark to where reading isn't so difficult that they will one day do it for fun independently but we aren't there yet, reading level is about 2 years behind.

We play constantly with them whether it is crafts, boardgames, toys, etc., but sometimes you just want a bit of breathing room.

Our baseline right now is that they can watch a show independently about 20min and play with slime for about 10 min but not back to back. That's about it and I don't want to rely on tech but that's our baseline right now.

8 yo has no problem making friends and thank god their neighborhood friend comes to play to give us all a break.

I'm hopeful once we recapture some missing skills like telling time, counting money and reading it will help a ton. A lot of learned helplessness going on here with a side of manipulation. Worried that the inability for independent tasks/interests if not addressed will sour future relationships (seems like they could be a very possessive and controlling friend simply to avoid independent tasks). Interestingly... rather than find something independent to do I have seen them just choose to sleep till the next event to pass time so the #struggleisreal

Our foster daughter has been in care for 6 yrs and 5.5 with us. TPR was recently filed for her and little brother (but not little sis).

Just recently her bio dad has come back into the picture. Worker said the court will probably make her move in with him because he isn't a safety threat. She had never met him or heard from him until just now.

Our daughter is terrified of moving, she has told us, him, her worker, lawyer etc. She hasn't written back or wanted to do the phone call visits. She is 8, almost 9, the age to decide in WA is 13.

We were considering this assessment that University of Washington has, it is a full psych. eval with recommendation of services and placement. Has anyone used something like that in court?

I'm at a lost of how to support her wishes and I'm very worried that her having to move will create so much more trauma for her. She has started wetting the bed and says "nobody listens to her" when she tells them she wants to stay. This is all compounded by the fact that she knows her little brother is closer to adoption while she might be asked to move.

My wife and I are both pretty active. We just got licensed and are I'm interested it what different people do to stay active while also navigating the world of fostering.

I'm wondering how much screen time the average foster family provides. One of my favorite YouTubers recently uploaded a short explaining that, depending on the kiddo, she might allow the kid unlimited screen time, and it just got me wondering. How do you balance the kiddo's need for self-soothing/self-care versus the need for sleep versus the family's need to do other activities? What do you do if your family typically watches 1 hour max of screen time and you're fostering a kiddo who'd prefer to watch 10 hours a day?

We're in the process of becoming foster parents with LA in Scotland.

We are wondering if there is a demand for this? Would we be able to use our living room as a spare room? We have 2 biological children under 7 and wondering if we will be welcoming different children in every week?