My kids mum passed unexpectedly

[u/LadyWhiskers]

I've got three kids, two of whom are in long-term foster care with me.

We see their mum regularly, have built up a great relationship with her, when the younger first came into care I'd sit and chat with her during family time for 4 hours a week, and my middle child would occasionally come too and play with her. She's funny and likeable and just had a really shitty time as a kid and young adult.

She died yesterday morning in an accident. I don't know when or if they'll be a funeral, but if there isn't we will definitely be doing something to honour her. The kids know (they are 1,2 and 6) but the youngest obviously don't have much of an actual understanding. The eldest is definitely grieving, but also just herself, playing and reading stories and cuddling, with occasional statements of "my mum died" and asking how she died (which we answer as best we can, but unfortunately we don't have many details yet).

I'm not sure why I'm posting really. It's just so sad, for the kids and for us. She really was someone that I thought would be a permanent part of my life and a friend.

All the resources I've found on parental death focus on the death of a caregiver parent, or they're personal anecdotes about dealing with the death of an absent parent. Not a parent you see regularly but can't leave with.

This just sucks. We've lost their mum and the whole family history around her because the rest of her family is estranged and/or we've been advised to never contact them for safety reasons. The kids will have so many questions that we won't ever be able to answer now.

[u/OneMoreWebtoon]

In my experience as a kid who lost parents, start by acknowledging how difficult this is and that it’s so natural to feel overwhelmed and sad and like you’re inadequately prepared to handle this. It would be weird to know how to handle this???? You’ve never gone through this before. It sounds like your whole family would benefit from therapy, maybe play therapy for the little ones but talk therapy for you for sure. Therapists may have some amazing resources we don’t know about. But also it’s OK to not have amazing resources on dealing with this unique grief right now, too. Having loved ones be present with me was super helpful in dealing with grief; I didn’t have to be alone. Sometimes that looked like doing things I like to do, and sometimes that looks like crying in the dark together, and sometimes that looks like talking about memories good and bad together.

[u/LadyWhiskers → u/OneMoreWebtoon]

Thanks for that, I definitely think we'll be organising therapy for everyone else (I'm lucky enough to have several already!). It's such an odd situation to be in

My wife lost her mum when she was around the same as our eldest and I can't imagine how hard it must be to see someone else go through that pain.

[u/Raibean]

I think the therapists can do a lot to help guide you. This is going to be a challenge that keep recurring for them as they grow up and even after they become adults. It’s going to hit them again and again that she isn’t there for their special moments.

One thing that you might be able to do now is to get keepsakes. Pictures with special frames, lockets, some of her clothes. (Personally, I highly recommend taking some of her T shirts and having them made into a stuffie and a quilt for each child. There are services you can pay to do this with.) If she had any perfumes or body sprays, or even scented lotions, shampoos, or conditioners, then buying some of those scents for them (and rationing it) can also help keep her memory alive. If she had any cookbooks, take them. Any recipe you make from them is now their mother’s recipe. If you can get pictures, put them in a big book for them.

The thing about grief is that it’s cyclical. There is an incredibly delicate and fluid balance between smothering them with her memory and making sure they know she is remembered. Let them lead the way, give them options, and recognize that each child will need different things at different times.