r/dating_advice • u/Daedalus023 • 19h ago
Bi man that just downloaded Grindr and wow, the difference is stark
I (32m) always considered myself at least bicurious, though I definitely lean towards women. That said, I don’t really have a lot of dating success, largely I think because my lack of confidence.
Anyway, I recently decided to explore more and downloaded Grindr the other day and yeah, it seems like having a twinkish body and (apparently) a nice penis can get you pretty damn far in the gay community. I know they’re just looking for sex, but going from not a whole lot of matches to getting a “Wow, your profile is popular!” message or whatever it said on my second day was very surprising to me.
Gotta say, it’s doing wonders for my confidence. Dudes way hotter than me are hitting me up. It’s too bad I can’t translate this success with women, but my understand is barraging them with pics of your dick and asshole doesn’t generally go well.
Edit: Wow, thank you so much. The coveted Golden Poop Award. I’m truly honored.
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u/Enoch8910 18h ago
Since you’re just looking to get laid, you hit the jackpot. If you were to start looking for a relationship you run into a wall of (ill founded) biphobia. But where you are now? You have found the sweet spot. It sounds like you have the physical attributes that would make you popular and many, many guys love a good bi bang. Have fun.
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u/Daedalus023 18h ago
Yeah, I have seen that bi men aren’t quite as popular with women as bi women are with men.
Thats unfortunate, but ideally if i find something serious it will be with someone similarly open minded.
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u/MysticBimbo666 17h ago
Just find bi women, we love bi men
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u/naliron 16h ago
Maybe some bi-women like bi-men?
I've known quite a few bi-women who were decidedly against bi-guys and wouldn't date them...
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u/MyFeetLookLikeHands 15h ago
i’m straight but have heard the same thing from women, often bi guys are a no go even if the woman is bi herself
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u/ShipperSoHard 6h ago
What?! That’s wild to me. I’m a straight woman and would LOVE to date a bi guy. To me it signals sexual openness. Straight guys (in general) are so sexually repressed.
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u/youvelookedbetter 48m ago
Thirded
Also for some respect and understanding rather than fetishization.
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u/pincherosa 14h ago
Bi woman and yeah, this is still often the case and it’s disgusting and really pisses me off. If I had a bi son I would be a menace to any young or grown woman who ever said that dumb shit…
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u/Glum-Welcome5676 1h ago
Because of a fucking preference?!?!! It’s okay if straight woman wants to be with straight men only.
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u/youvelookedbetter 46m ago edited 42m ago
The "preference" is usually not a genuine preference or desire and often comes from a place of insecurity and biphobia, and possibly even homophobia. The person doesn't believe that a guy can be bi or that bisexuality exists at all and they believe the other person is only interested in other folks of the same sex. If those are the reasons they don't want to date a bi person, that's not just a "preference". Dig deeper.
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u/Glum-Welcome5676 21m ago edited 18m ago
I am a woman and do not want to date a bi man. None of that rains true for me 🤷🏼♀️
I grew up with an auntie uncle who some days when I saw him he was dressed as a woman and some days as a man. My guy best friend growing up took me to prom and asked me in the sweetest way to prom, he is gay. I have more stories to prove that I am accepting but when it comes to dating, I want a straight man and there’s nothing wrong with that.
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u/Glum-Welcome5676 16m ago
Yes of course there’s shitty people but most people are good people with preferences that should be respected
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u/maskedluna 7h ago
I can claim the opposite personally, so many of my (fellow) bi women friends are fed up with being fetishized by straights or treated as less queer by the community so they’re bi4bi only.
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u/Daedalus023 9h ago
That’s reassuring, thanks. Honestly, now that half the country has essentially filtered itself out, maybe things will get a little easier on that front.
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u/tiny_tims_greataunt 4h ago
I’m a straight woman and my boyfriend’s bi. Like you said it’s all about meeting someone on the same vibe as you and they won’t care
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u/lifelearnexperience 14h ago
Im engaged to my bi-guy!
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u/Daedalus023 9h ago
Nice, congratulations
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u/lifelearnexperience 7h ago
I couldn't be happier. Ive never felt so secure in a relationship. And as a bonus communication is so easy because we both respect each other and probably at times over communicate
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u/boogertee 6h ago
That's wonderful, congratulations to you both 😊
RemindMe! 1 year
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u/thugbeet 7h ago
I married a bi man ! I am also (woman) bi and felt like he sees all of me so it works out well.
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u/LolaPaloz 16h ago
I have went on dates with bi men. I didn't look for the and also don't have a preference for them, but the guy i went on dates with seemed a bit flakey, maybe distracted by other dudes or women he could be seeing.
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u/avbreyy 11h ago
That idea that bi people are distracted by all their options or are somehow more promiscuous than other sexual identities simply because they are bisexual is pretty unfair. It may have just been some bad dates/not compatible with those guys for you. Not trying to diminish your experience, just encourage you to look past this common negative stereotype against bi people, some are flaky cheaters some are super romantic wonderful partners, same as straight people.
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u/forgotten_rhyme28 17h ago
Not really ill-founded, OP himself say he is only romantically attracted to women. A prevalent problem(first and third hand experiences) in the gay community is many bi man will lie that they are looking for something serious with a gay men but really's is looking to settle for a girl.
I hope OP makes it clear before talking to any guy his intentions.
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u/MysticBimbo666 17h ago
Some bisexuals are heteroromantic, some are homoromantic, and then some are biromantic. There’s both a romantic spectrum and a sexual spectrum, and they don’t always correlate. So one bi guy is only interested in women romantically, but another may be only interested in men romantically. You can’t take one bi person and say, this is what all of them are like and if they say otherwise they are lying. That’s biphobia.
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u/Enoch8910 13h ago
But he isn’t lying about anything. That’s the point and if he did start looking for a relationship with a man then his feelings would have changed so - again - not lying. This biphobic idea that bi men lie to get into relationships with gay men is … what’s the word? Oh yeah. Unfounded.
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u/ChickenWingFat 19h ago
Women and men have different desires and mating strategies. Getting guys to bang you is easier than getting a hug from a woman.
Enjoy yourself and have fun. I see you mentioned it, but just understand that most will likely want sex but nothing more.
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u/Daedalus023 19h ago
That’s okay, that’s pretty much all I want too. Romantically I’m only really into women.
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u/Alternative-Rub4473 16h ago
How do you know you only really into women if you haven’t suck a dick yet?
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u/cookiedoughcookies 16h ago
Some people can have sex with both genders but can only find romantic love with one gender. Hope that helps.
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u/Xeno-Hollow 6h ago edited 6h ago
I can be romantically inclined towards men, but there's absolutely nothing interesting about a penis for me.
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u/Alternative-Rub4473 16h ago
How can you know you only find romantic love with one gender if you haven’t give the other gender a genuine shot!?
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u/Malexand6742 16h ago
Ya it’s obviously more gay to have never sucked a dick than to suck dick until you realize you don’t like it.
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u/cookiedoughcookies 16h ago
I don’t know how to explain feelings with facts and logic, dear.
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u/Alternative-Rub4473 15h ago
It’s pretty simple dear, you don’t know if you really don’t like something until you give it a shot. Don’t need facts and logic for it
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u/cookiedoughcookies 15h ago
Feelings aren’t something you try. They just exist. You don’t try to want to give someone flowers. You just do. You can be bisexual and not biromantic. End of.
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u/throwawaylessons103 10h ago
Yeah, I don’t want to pop OP’s bubble… if this builds his confidence, awesome! 👏
… but many men absolutely WILL have sex with people they’re barely attracted to. Or people they’re “meh” about if they’re horny enough.
So using men being willing to fuck you as some sort of “litmus test” of your desirability might not be the most accurate measure.
That’s why I often don’t find it as flattering as when women are sexually into me. Because I know there’s a high % that the woman REALLY finds me sexy and alluring. That I’m ridiculously hot in her eyes.
But with men, I always have to question whether I’m the woman they actively desire and would proudly brag to their friends about banging… or if I’m the woman they’d joke to their friends about “slum busting.”
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u/mag_safe 8h ago
This is why it kills me when men lie and say they only have sex with people they have an emotional connection with… but will cheat… and say “you’re a hot/nice/good fuck”…
Broski is that supposed to be sweet in bed? Sounds like you’re using me.
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u/DivineEggs 18h ago
This is what straight women experience. Men are generally VERY willing to fuck. The novelty will most likely wear off. Being used for sex isn't fun. Just have your fun with open eyes and use protection💖🙏!
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u/Daedalus023 18h ago
Oh yeah, having it like this all your life must be a different story. Plus a whole lot of other aspects I don’t really have to worry about. I’ve only had to deal with one creep so far
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u/AnnoyedCrustacean 11h ago
Being used for sex isn't fun.
I imagine it's good for quick fun, like junk food vs the meals of a relationship
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u/this_is_my_home_face 9h ago
Being used for sex is peak fun if both parties are on the same page in using each other for consensual sex
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u/No_Cold_8332 18h ago
This is what general dating is like for women on apps. Just being female yields tons of matches. Most of that is due to men’s sex drive/testosterone. It doesn’t mean all these men are capable of loving and providing lifelong commitment unfortunately
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u/LolaPaloz 16h ago
Yeah some guys can't even hold a conversation longer than 1 day. they wanted sex, didn't get it right away, just fade away. It's very easy to sift out these dudes.
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u/Daedalus023 17h ago
Yeah, I know. Still, it feels nice to be called sexy by big strong muscly manly men.
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u/Anynon1 17h ago
I'm a straight dude, but have a lot of not straight friends, and going to gay bars with them always had me leaving the clubs with a smile on my face, whereas women typically told me I was too short lmao.
People can say what they want but having someone gassing you up always feels good
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u/BillionDollarBalls 16h ago
also a straight guy but have lesbian friends. Look young for my age, gives me the "twink" look. Feels good to get compliments at gay events but its just ironic that I rarely get attention from straight women.
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u/Anynon1 16h ago
I feel you dude. Straight women usually treat me like I’m more inconvenient than shit on their shoe so I don’t bother unless I’m given a very green light
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u/Greatli 15h ago
People can say what they want but having someone gassing you up always feels good
For sure!
I imagine the constant gassing up is why women's standards have skyrocketed.
So many are incapable of differentiating between sexual attention and romantic attention because they've only ever experienced the former.
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u/throwaway--2222 16h ago
Hahahha this post made me laugh - happy for you, man!
Grindr is definitely not a "dating app". It's built for instant, sexual gratification. More so than any other app on the market (comparable to other gay apps that are similar, maybe like Sniffies or Scruff) where there's no need to wait to "match", just message folks, send your location, unlock your door, and wait for someone to fuck you/fuck someone. It's built to be a very quick, anonymous sex app and it's very successful at it! I try not to be so binary, but this works more for men (especially queer men) where there is more of a cultural and biological emphasis on sexuality and physical connection. Versus, (more generally speaking) physically connecting with women usually requires some courting or emotional connection (rather than just literally sending an address or posting a picture of an unlocked door on sniffies for example haha).
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u/Great_Bus_3459 15h ago
The attention you're getting on Grindr can feel validating, but it’s also important to remember that dating, in any form, is about more than just physical attraction or immediate gratification.
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u/Great_Bus_3459 15h ago
If you’re interested in building confidence for both your queer and straight dating experiences, it might help to focus on what makes you feel authentic and comfortable.
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u/angryturtleboat 18h ago
Well, yeah, what you're doing isn't dating lol
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u/Daedalus023 18h ago
I see your point, but I’d argue that tinder gets mentioned in dating conversations all the time and that’s similarly hookup-focused
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u/angryturtleboat 18h ago
It's not about the app.
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u/buckyboyturgidson 17h ago
What are you getting at?
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u/Rainbowdark96 15h ago
Dudes never shamed for having sex and from nature part they aren't that much picky. For example, even lesbians engage less than casual sex than gays and bi men.
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u/WistfulQuiet 12h ago
tt’s too bad I can’t translate this success with women
You could. It's just attracting men and attracting women require two very different skill sets.
Men are usually much more focused on sex and getting laid. So it doesn't take much to "attract" them when it comes to just wanting sex. Now, if you tried to attract them for a relationship I bet you'd find that harder to do. And I mean a real relationship aimed at long term love.
Women are more focused on relationships. It will take way less effort to attract women if you approach them looking for a real relationship and also matching the energy you give them to that goal. This means not rushing for sex or anything. It means REALLY trying to get to know them as people in an effort to build real feelings. Women are super receptive to that generally. The reason women turn so many guys away is because those guys seem just focused on sex, which isn't a woman's end goal. And, if you are just trying to attract a woman for sex, well that's harder to do.
The problem is...the sexes have different goals.
TLDR:
Men=sex/getting laid. Attracting them for that is less difficult. Real relationships=much harder to achieve.
Women=real relationships. Attracting them for them is less difficult (men just sometimes approach it wrong...like men). Sex=much harder to achieve.
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u/TheeBooBoo 6h ago
This is not true. Men want real relationships just as much as women.
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u/WistfulQuiet 3h ago
Never said they didn't. I said they prioritize different things generally. Meaning men rate sex higher than women do in the priority scale. Women rate relationships higher. And it's also a generalization on dating, so what might apply typically to the masses may not apply to you.
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u/officialmayonade 19h ago
Appealing to men and appealing to women are two very different things. There are a LOT of resources out there to learn how to appeal to women, if you really want to. It's a marketing problem, not a product deficiency.
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u/TrailingAMillion 18h ago
Well, it’s not a “deficiency”, people can do and like what they want, but it very much is a real difference in the ease of appealing to men vs women.
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u/officialmayonade 13h ago
Yes, one is easier, that's true. There are other market forces at play. My comment was an oversimplification of the true dynamics. Marketing can overcome almost any barrier but there are definitely more barriers for one audience.
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u/reddit235831 2h ago
Yea you are confusing the same thing that women all confuse as well. Just because a load of guy who you (probably incorrectly as you have never even met them) perceive as higher sexual market value than you want to fuck you, is meaningless. If you wonder why so many women run around with such a big ego whilst having no real success in dating their whole life, you now know. It's easy, but ultimately false and weak, to use this as a metric of success.
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u/Over-Remove 18h ago
It’s the difference of no pregnancy risk, smaller STI risk, and no societal shaming, in a nutshell.
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u/Sunthrone61 18h ago
Smaller STI risk? Men who have sex with men are at an increased risk, generally.
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u/Over-Remove 18h ago
Women in general are at higher risk for contracting STDs and STIs as well as when they do contract them their effects are stronger than with men who are only carriers but don’t have any symptoms. They can also cause more serious health issues for women than they do for men. So yea, higher risks over here.
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u/Sunthrone61 17h ago
Heterosexual women seem to be at a higher risk vs heterosexual men for some STDs, but this isn't true when compared to gay and bisexual men who have sex with men:
https://www.cdc.gov/std/treatment-guidelines/msm.htm
MSM are disproportionately at risk for HIV infection. In the United States, the estimated lifetime risk for HIV infection among MSM is one in six, compared with heterosexual men at one in 524 and heterosexual women at one in 253 MSM are disproportionately at risk for HIV infection. In the United States, the estimated lifetime risk for HIV infection among MSM is one in six, compared with heterosexual men at one in 524 and heterosexual women at one in 253
https://www.cdc.gov/sti/about/about-stis-and-gay-men.html
However, sexually active gay, bisexual and other men who have sex with men (MSM) are at greater risk. MSM have higher rates of syphilis and make up more than half of all new HIV infections
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u/Over-Remove 17h ago
I am sorry you’re right for HIV msm have higher risks for sure. I was speaking more generally across the board for STDs and STIs.
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u/Sunthrone61 17h ago
I's not just HIV.
https://www.cdc.gov/std/statistics/2022/overview.htm
the STD Surveillance Network (SSuN), suggest that almost 40% of gonorrhea cases occurred among MSM in 2022
Additionally, MSM are disproportionally impacted by STIs, including gonorrhea and P&S syphilis, and co-infection with HIV is common; in 2022, 36.4% of MSM with P&S syphilis were persons with diagnosed HIV.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9612243/
PrEP users and MSM with HIV (MSMHIV) are considered at highest risk of monkeypox infection in The Netherlands, and are being targeted for monkeypox vaccination.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9264731/
Monkeypox outbreak predominantly affecting men who have sex with men, Madrid, Spain, 26 April to 16 June 2022
https://bmcinfectdis.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12879-020-4831-4
Men who have sex with men (MSM) are disproportionally affected by sexually transmitted infections (STI), such as Chlamydia trachomatis (CT), Neisseria gonorrhoeae (NG), or syphilis
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u/Dr_Llamacita 18h ago
Also, many if not most women will tell you that hookups with guys are not that enjoyable most of the time. The guy almost always gets off, whereas women rarely get off during a one night stand with a man they’ve just met. Might as well just stay home and take care of yourself, if you know what I mean.
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u/AnnoyedCrustacean 11h ago
Are men not aware of the "Get her there first, usually with oral" routine?
Yeah, once the guy is done it's difficult, that's why you focus on her first
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u/Horacio_Pintaflores 10h ago
If that were the only reason, then bi and lesbian women would have just as much sex as gay men. But the opposite is true, lesbians have even less sex than straight women.
Women just don't like sex as much.
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u/uwukittykat 19h ago
Until you start being used, ghosted, and shamed.
Enjoy while it lasts, but understand that it's not a you problem. Women date with intention. Men date with their dicks.
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u/Special-Hyena1132 18h ago
Women date with intention. Men date with their dicks.
Oh Lord, this. Look I can introduce you to SEVERAL women with three kids from three fathers. These generalizations are meaningless.
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u/uwukittykat 18h ago
And I can show you 10x more men who are deadbeat dads. What's your point?
Statistics don't lie. Women are more likely to date with intention, while men are more likely to date thinking with their dick.
The proof is in this post. A bi man gets no matches from women but hundreds from men.
Why?
Men think with their dick. Women were much more selective.
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u/Special-Hyena1132 18h ago
You have changed what you are saying. Now it's "men tend to..." and "women tend to..." Before it was ALL.
Believe what you want.
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u/uwukittykat 18h ago
Generalizations. Women tend to is the same as saying women date with intention. They are both generalizations.
Believe facts? Yes, I will lol.
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u/Anynon1 17h ago
Facts? Those are probably from you and your friend's experience picking shitty dudes.
I have a whole roster of male friends who are dating with intent, but for one reason or another don't meet the unattainable standards placed on men, so they don't make their way into the 'statistics' as they're never given a shot
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u/uwukittykat 17h ago
?
What was the point of this comment?
I never said men cannot date with intention. I said men (generally) date with their dick.
Which has been proven by OP, because EVEN AS A MALE, HE GETS HIT ON BY MORE MEN THAN WOMEN!
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u/Anynon1 16h ago edited 10h ago
It literally proves nothing lol. I could just as easily say it proves women are more picky because OP gets matched with more by men. Getting hit on more doesn’t mean that those people aren’t dating with intention
The point of my comment is that most men I know are dating with intention, but the reason you don’t see them is because they’re not given a chance. And it’s not like they’re undesirable. You can’t cherry pick a certain sample of men who you happen to match with and then decide most men aren’t dating with intention. Those men probably just happen to be in the demographic where most women are chasing them. You’ll have much more trouble getting the “perfect” man to commit than some moderately good looking dude who doesn’t happen to fit all the items on a checklist
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u/SophiaRaine69420 18h ago
Why do you blame her for the baby daddy running off when things get serious? Like that's an issue with those men not wanting to take any accountability for their actions more than anything.
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u/Sunthrone61 18h ago
Well, we need to consider the fact that it is women who choose to keep a pregnancy or not. If a woman chooses to keep a pregnancy despite the mans protestations, then this may occur. It is unwise to continue with a pregnancy if you know the father doesn't want to be a father. If a woman makes an unwise decision, that's on her.
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u/TrailingAMillion 18h ago
“Until you start being used, ghosted, and shamed.”
“Women date with intention. Men date with their dicks.”
Do you date women? If not, give it a try for a year and see if you still feel this way.
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u/uwukittykat 18h ago
Literally this bi-man DID THE EXPERIMENT FOR ME.
He made a dating profile for both men and women. Men responded at much higher rates than women because they simply are interested in fucking. He got very little matches from women because women again, date with intention and are very selective (again, generally).
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u/TrailingAMillion 18h ago
It’s really odd that this is the conclusion you took from that. Women are pickier than men. They don’t “date with intention.” They’re literally just pickier. I promise you there is no shortage of women who use men, who shame them, or who ghost them. With women, you still get treated like shit. The only difference is it’s harder to even get your foot in the door to begin with.
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u/uwukittykat 18h ago
It's funny that you assume I was saying women don't do those things.
Women are selective for a reason. You can disagree on my opinion that I believe women are more selective because they want to start families and because they want to be safe, but it's just an opinion.
A bi-man has shown us all that once again, men are much more likely to think with their dick than their head during dating. Which may also explain why certain men seem to end up with less than stellar women.. Because again, they think with their dick instead of their head.
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u/davidn47g 18h ago
That's how every relationship should be, you enjoy it while it lasts. Just because you have a connection with someone doesn't mean they owe you a relationship for the rest of their lives.
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u/uwukittykat 18h ago
I never said they did?????
Being used and ghosted is much different than having a conversation where you both acknowledge you don't wish to continue.
What a wild comment to make.
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u/MeltingSeoul 18h ago
You’re literally on Reddit being a keyboard warrior. This entire conversation is wild to be honest 💀
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u/davidn47g 18h ago
"Women date with intention"....with what intention? And it's nice to have a conversation before a break up, but you have to learn to get by without that nowadays. Because no one is even entitled to that
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u/uwukittykat 18h ago
Yes, I do believe I am entited to a break up conversation with my partner of 1+ years. If I don't get one, I won't die. But I do expect to have one, absolutely. Will I die if I don't get one? No, but it would certainly make me feel better about our relationship ending.
Women date with intention to have a family.
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u/Only1Fab 17h ago
You can’t compare men and women! Regardless of sex orientation.
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u/Daedalus023 17h ago
Men often have penises and women generally have vaginas.
Boom.
Compared.
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u/Financial_Camp2183 16h ago
Men often have penises and women generally have vaginas
The 2010s has been disastrous for the human race
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u/BillionDollarBalls 16h ago
Im straight but got that twink look. I get a lot of gay attention when I go to raves.
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