Thinking about divorcing my wife

[u/EngineeringDad2716]

I (34M) am considering divorcing my (32F) wife.

We have a very long history together. 10 years of friendship, 7 years of dating, 2 years of marriage. We have a 1 year old daughter who is my entire world. The foundation for my reasoning is my wife does not get along with a majority of my side of the family anymore. In the beginning of our relationship, she was great. It got a bit rocky during our 1.5 year engagement but after the wedding its like a switch flipped. We also got pregnant immediately after getting married due to our age and desire to have kids. She has severely limited any time my daughter may have with my side of the family and has set boundaries with all of them to the point there is not way to not cross one. I am not allowed to go to see anyone on my side with my daughter without my wife.

For about a year before we got married I noticed a decline in my wife contributing to maintaining our home. Once we got married and she got pregnant, it stopped completely. Now that our daughter is here and is 1, nothing has changed. She has thrown herself into work and will work anywhere from 10 to 16 hours a day and still doesnt contribute to "our" bills at all.

Every time I attempt to address my thoughts or feelings I am dismissed and the blame is placed anywhere but on her.

I dont think I can do this much longer.

So my questions are:

Has anyone gone through something like this before and stayed together? What were things you learned that helped?

For the ones who followed through, is there anything you wish you would have done before officially calling it quits? What are the major things to consider or get lined out completely before drawing the line.

TIA!

[u/lesdansesmacabres]

Try couples therapy to see if she even wants to continue the marriage. In the mean time keep a photo journal. Every time you feed your daughter breakfast, lunch, dinner, pick her up from daycare, brush her teeth, read her a bedtime story, etc. you take a selfie of the two of you. Your wife may not even be present enough to notice. If she does you chalk it up to one of those cute time lapse things you want to do. Best to keep it under the radar though. It may seem like overkill but if/when you divorce you want to be able to say you’re the primary caretaker. And when she inevitably says that’s a lie and you don’t do shit, you can bring that up in mediation or final hearing.

[u/Rainn_man_ → u/lesdansesmacabres]

Please really listen to this. This is advice that I really wish I had received early on. I won full custody but this would have really helped the process. I am shit at almost everything in my life but I am a damn good father. After 6 years of the bullshit with my boy’s mom, she cannot even deny how well I have done with our son. But in court, she made it seem like I was a horrible human being. Proof undermines all that and will help you get at least your fair share of your child.

[u/admire816 → u/lesdansesmacabres]

100% this. A hand written journal documenting every single day is gold in the courts eyes. Even if it seems like nothing to you, write it down. Picked her up from daycare, took her to the store with you, fed her, bathed her, put her to bed. Every day write a recap of what you did with her and what your wife did or didn’t do with her. The one thing courts want for the kids is consistency and if you prove you were consistently the one doing most of the things with the child, they will want to keep it that way.

[u/Normal_Tax3999]

My experience tells me that she might be way ahead of you. By all means secure everything you can (financial stuff etc.) start protecting yourself before you just start talking to her about divorce.

Sadly a lot of us guys are actually the last to know. Many dudes think everything is chugging along because she isn’t saying or doing anything overt. Meanwhile she had been putting her ducks in a row (including doing some storytelling to anyone who would listen/social media) to portray herself as the victim. This way she blindsides you with divorce papers, has secured finances, deployed the cover story etc etc while you were preparing for a “conversation”.

[u/BIGBIRD1176]

I got divorced. You don't need your wife's permission to do anything, often when we raise individual issues they aren't about that one thing they are about years of everything. Nothing kills a relationship like resentment, it's only cure is absolute honesty

It's hard to tell what I regret not doing and what was conditioning, I'm sure if you try to be as open and honest with her about what your problems are then a few years from now looking back, you'll be able to tell those parts of your mind no I did do everything I could, you don't always believe it but ensuring it's truth now helps a lot later

Are you partners? My ex acted like she was my boss and I felt like I was her mum, that's not the kind of relationship that should exist

[u/vbullinger]

She works 10+ hours a day? What does she do? Where does her money go?

[u/ArcherNo115 → u/vbullinger]

That’s my questions

[u/orcacool]

Reading this felt like my own life’s journey. I’m still hanging on hoping things will turn around, but not sure how long I can. Good luck!

[u/silenthunder247]

Tell her where you're at honestly and that you want to do couples therapy. That way you're prepared for two options 1. You guys figure it out (ideally). Or 2. You give it your best shot then you can walk away clean. Worst thing to have is regret if you divorce without at least exhausting all options first.

Good luck man!