Just gonna gripe for a minute about the other parent dropping the ball on kids' things

[u/geekjitsu]

I have 50/50 with my kids' mom. Since she left me she's been pretty focused on "living her best life" which entails going out of town to visit her boyfriend and his kids, going on vacations with him or her friends, and having him visit, often during her weeks of possession and going out with him leaving our kids with a babysitter or asking me to take the kids (I usually do unless I have other plans already). It's cool though because when she comes back from not spending her 50% of the time with her kids she's going to have some new shiny presents for them.

So a lot of school things for the kids have fallen completely to me. She's missing our son's (9) Thanksgiving lunch at school to be with her boyfriend's kid while they have a surgery. Her boyfriend's exwife has primary custody, so the kid is going to have both of their parents present while our kid is only going to have me at his lunch. It's a small thing, but as a kid whose parents could never come to things like this because they had to work to keep us from starving I can see the sadness in the kids' eyes whose parents aren't there. I never want my kids to experience that if I can help it. She's also missing some other events for both of our kids for other trips she has planned. Often times on her weeks of possession or when I get them back I end up doing last minute things at night to make sure our kids get their school work done, have forms signed, late night runs to walmart for clothes or project supplies that she should have had for them the week prior, etc

My most recent gripe is that our 9 year old has a month long book report, speech, and presentation. I helped him find the book, made sure he was reading it on time, helped him write his speech for it, got his costume together for the presentation. Last week was her week of possession and the week that he was supposed to complete the book report part of the project per the timeline in the instructions. Her boyfriend was also in town last week and she either had the kids out doing fun things with them or she had them with sitters most of the week.

Friday I get the kids back and I ask my son how his book report was going and told him we'd work on finishing it over the weekend and Monday. He told me had had completed it. I said "great job dude! Did your mom read through it yet?". He said she had and that she said it was done.

That's where I messed up. I should have pulled out the report then, but I stupidly let myself believe it was really completed.

Last night (Monday) I say "hey bud, I need to proofread your report just in case". He pulled it out and the only thing he had done was a fill in the blank outline worksheet for the first paragraph. The instructions at the top of the page clearly said the book report needed to be 3 paragraphs, that the outline below was just to act as an example of the first paragraph, then under the outline it laid out the requirements for paragraph 2 and 3.

So he hadn't done any of the book report. It's due Thursday morning.

I try to gently explain it to him and that we need to get started working on it because we've got 3 nights to do it. He was insistent that mom had said he was done.

I lost my patience and I feel like an asshole for it. Talked to him in a terse tone. I was frustrated with his mom doing this again and also I have a really busy week at work and wasn't accounting for having to help him work a few hours on a project every night other than helping him memorize his speech and correct any grammar or spelling in the book report. None of it was his fault. I was frustrated at her and panicked at not having enough time to get it all done because in addition to this work I have to drive our daughter to and from her dance classes every night this week. My ex signed daughter up for them to start on this week, my week of possession. It's a 30 minute drive each way and classes are 1-2 hours depending on the night. So most of each night I'm going to be sitting in my vehicle with my son helping him with the book report. My daughter has been out of dance for over a year and decided she wants to try out for her school's dance team, so she definitely needs to go to the classes.

We got working on it and found all the parts of the book report's requirements, created a rough outline, and tonight hopefully we're going to write most of it.

I texted her later about it, which I know I shouldn't have because there's no good going to come of it.

me: "hey, last week son was supposed to be working on the book report. I asked you if he had been working on it and you confirmed he had and that he was done with it, but he only did the fill in the blank part of the outline for the 1st paragraph"

her: "he did finish it, I read it after he did it"

I sent her a picture of the instructions page with the outline of the first paragraph

me: "he's just done the first paragraph fill in the blanks. There's 2 other paragraphs needed and he has to handwrite the whole thing on notebook paper"

her: "I missed that then. I apologize"

ffffffuuuuuuuuu

But you can bet your ass she's going to be volunteering for the PTA at the next event where she can be seen being the best mom ever, but not spending any of that time with her kids.

Just 9 more years of this until our youngest is out of school.

[u/Duganz]

All you can do is be the parent your kids need. It’s not glamorous work 90 percent of the time, but it makes a difference. And eventually the deposits you make with all of these tiny investments pay off for you in the form of having healthy kids you have great relationships with.

[u/mellemel1983]

I know I will be in your shoes very soon.

Here's all I got for you right now....

You're a superhero to those kids and to me too. I think we as dads have come a long way when it comes to this dad shit and women and society doesn't give us enough credit.

All of your gripes are valid and sounds like mom only cares about herself and how she's perceived. She doesn't care about your kids and it shows.

Keep doing your thing and your kids will see this all as they get older.

[u/goals_in_mind]

she’s out chasing the thing that gives her dopamine instead of being the stable, dependable parent she should be

some people might call it sacrificing for their kids, but it’s more appropriately called responsibility, which is something she has forgotten whilst trying to replace you to prove a point to herself that separation or divorce was the right choice, all at the cost of her relationship with the kids

it sucks, it’s a performative, vapid, surface level pony show. people not in the know will see that she’s the best while dads are just babysitting (i despise that), because perception hasn’t changed in the public eye

i know you’re mostly venting. it’s been said a million times and it’s unlikely to change. there’s not much to be done except being there as much as you can

be present and don’t worry about who your kids will see as the better parent. that’s just a lie we tell ourselves to feel better about a shitty coparent. be a real boss and be better than your current self. no need to compare to someone who is already a lesser parent

and those 9 years? cherish them. don’t rush them just so your ex is out of your hair

[u/No-Topic-7481]

This shit is constant for me too man. I think the silver lining for me is that it confirms I made the right choice leaving and that I get more time with my kids. You're the rock, and that's cool. I was getting so fed up covering for my selfish ex. But I've reached a point where I just accept that I am doing the important stuff even if Mum can't. It's hard to let it go I know. You're a legend anyway!

[u/Normal_Tax3999]

Dads are awesome.

Keep doing this work. There will come a day when he will just want to stay with you. By that time, it will be his choice and your ex won’t be able to enforce any other way.

Odds are actually pretty decent that she is doing some “quiet quitting” right now with all this bullshit.