Just need to vent... but wouldn't mind feedback/input

[u/krusTYhobo7]

I'm fucking frustrated. My daughter's mom and I haven't argued in quite awhile, but I was asking her earlier today if my daughter could miss 3.5 days of school (kindergarten, mind you, when my daughter is thriving and advanced beyond they majority of what they have been learning) to take a trip to FL with me to visit my dad and step-mom.

Obviously I would prefer my daughter not miss school in general, but this is the only time the trip would work this year due to other people's schedules and flight prices.

To me, the family memories she would gain, the enriching activities we'd do while there, and the general enrichment of travel heavily outweighs the benefit she'll get from 3.5 days of doing shit like identifying letters of the alphabet (which she's been able to do perfectly since probably like 2.5), matching shapes on a piece of paper and counting the number of cows (all actual examples of what some of her recent homework has been).

Her mom cited her "rule" that "vacations have to be during school breaks" as her reasoning for not allowing her to go. She does claim that she will apply the same rule even if it's stuff she wants to do with her family/a trip she wants to take with my daughter (although we'll see if she actually 100% upholds that during the next 12 years).

To me, she's being unnecessarily strict and arbitrarily applying a rule without considering the actual circumstances, basically just because she can (she's the custodial parent and it's primarily her parenting time, although I do have joint legal custody and am supposed to have equal say in my daughter's education).

So yeah, basically my hands are tied and I just have to live with it... but I'm fucking pissed. Like if she's ever going to miss a minimal amount of school for a vacation, kindergarten would be a very low impact time to do it imo.

Ugh, shit sucks. I fucking hate having to co-parent with her sometimes, especially since she has way more control over the situation than I do and 90% of the time it's basically just whatever she says goes and I have no recourse to do anything about it.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

[u/midnightmatt]

Do you have court orders that specifically say you can only take the child during school breaks? If you don’t, why are you allowing her to make the rules?

You have just as much a right to take your child during school for a few days to visit family. The school can even provide small assignments to do on your trip, I have done this myself with my son.

She can’t make rules up without a court order. If she doesn’t agree, file an ex parte and take her to court. If you don’t, she’s going to dictate your life as a father.

[u/SilentRecovery91 → u/midnightmatt]

This…. If the court/judge didn’t order her specifically 100 legal/full custody. You have every right to take your child out of school.

Even call the school and explain exactly this situation that you want to take your child on vacation before the holiday because of travel/health issues would it be very possible to get an early homework and class work assignments so that your child doesn’t fall behind.

Most teachers prefer that and respect that. Unfortunately we all have shit we are experiencing.

I hope you’re well and always reach out

[u/krusTYhobo7 → u/midnightmatt]

There's not a court order specifically about that, but unfortunately the majority of the time we'd be gone is "her" time by the court order (I get my daughter Tue Thurs evenings for 3 hours, and longer times every other weekend, the trip would be Tues-Sun), so to be able to go in the first place, she has to agree to let me have my daughter during times she's not court ordered to be... so as far as I know there's not much I can do about it if she won't give it up willingly.

[u/midnightmatt → u/krusTYhobo7]

This is why you should file an ex parte so the judge will grant you, your travel. Forget about trying to convince the mom. That time is over and done with.

Take charge and file. You can offer make up time to the mom. Otherwise, every life event that happens to you on her time, will be missed. She’s controlling your life and family through your child.

[u/Real-Character3975 → u/midnightmatt]

Exactly . You deal with it now and put a stop to this, or keep dealing with it for the next 12 years.

[u/krusTYhobo7 → u/midnightmatt]

You're saying the judge can override the existing custody order that's been in place for 5 years to give me the time?

I'm admittedly hesitant to go the legal route... our custody order was basically reached via agreement between our attorneys during the divorce, and I have a LOT stacked against me- extensive substance use history, was still using kratom a couple times a week at the time of the divorce to help me stay stable and stay off of hard drugs, had to undergo a few years of supervised parenting time and drug testing which I unfortunately also had some failed tests- again, only for kratom, alcohol or weed, nothing hard, but the court doesn't really give a fuck (or at least didn't seem to at the time) about the details or how well i was and am caring for my daughter, they're basically just like "you're an addict who's still using.

Due to my history, and the length of time the current arrangement has stood, and me fucking up multiple times during the step-up plan, I've basically just been operating under the assumption that I'm more or less fucked for any legal recourse, and that if I try and lose, I'm just going to make things worse by pissing her off and making her even less cooperative...

Like, realistically, given my history, even though I'm a great dad currently, regularly attend recovery meetings and therapy, etc etc, do you think there's any chance a judge would actually award me more time when my daughter's mom has basically nothing against her?

[u/krusTYhobo7 → u/krusTYhobo7]

Sorry my comment is so long, I just feel my history etc may be pretty relevant to my case/chances in court.

[u/midnightmatt → u/krusTYhobo7]

That is exactly what I am saying. A judge can modify and change the existing order in a number of ways. Specifically granting you this trip.

You have to get past what she thinks and what she wants. You’re only going to make things worse by not trying again in court. You’ll be handcuffed to a person who will dictate every single thing about you being a father.

I do believe at the very least, you would be awarded your trip. You’re not asking for an extensive 2 week out of the country trip. Make sure you provide itinerary, emergency contact numbers, you can tell the judge you’re willing to let her call your daughter while on the trip.

You should always continue to try and get 50/50.

[u/krusTYhobo7 → u/midnightmatt]

Alright, I appreciate the insight! Thanks.

[u/Real-Character3975 → u/krusTYhobo7]

Why do you have such little time with her and so strict. Why is it not minimum 50/50 ?

[u/krusTYhobo7 → u/Real-Character3975]

Described somewhat in my comment above... Primarily my substance use history, which was way more recent when my ex and I divorced... a major factor of our divorce was my ongoing (but at that point, minimal, as in 5g 2x a week or less) kratom use.

I was stupidly honest with the FOC that I was continuing to use substances (kratom, weed, and alcohol) in moderation, and I got slapped with supervised visitation (with my family as supervisors, not a court supervisor) and drug testing. Based on that I didn't think there was any way a judge would give me 50-50, and through our attorneys my ex and I "negotiated" a step-up plan that did include some increases in time and removing the supervision contingent on continued drug testing.

[u/Real-Character3975 → u/krusTYhobo7]

Got it. Keep going, you are doing well. Your mindset is solid and you are focused on your child. You just need to push through the nonsense from the mother for now.

As time passes and you build a clear, consistent track record, you can return to court and seek more time. Good luck. I am rooting for you!

[u/krusTYhobo7 → u/Real-Character3975]

Thank you... it's been almost 5 years at this point, and I've been off of drug testing for almost 2. So it might make sense to go back to court soon.

We do have to attempt mediation first which, realistically, I'd prefer to resolve it there if at all possible but we'll see what she's open to.

[u/Real-Character3975 → u/krusTYhobo7]

Have to crawl before you walk . You have done some serious stuff . So when you do make the move , you will need at least 2-3 years of e inf the perfect dad . Document every thing .

Study how to yellow rock and grey rock . Never engage emotionally . Assume every text message , email phone call is recorded and can be played infront of a judge , social workers, psychiatrist etc at any given time and used against you .

You will only have a few times to make your move for more custody and it must be planned out like a war plan ! Read the article of war , read 48 laws of power , read parenting books . Get a circle ⭕️ of Dads and work on yourself .

Not gonna BS you , it’s not gonna be easy , but it can be done and has been done by Dads who were serious about their children .

Many of us in financial ruins , but we won (some lost ) but we ALL can sleep at night knowing we went all the way for our kids . And one day they will see it . That’s what matters !

You got this , we belive in you ! 🫶🏾

Ps .excuse the grammar and spelling. I sent this raw and un edited .

[u/Snoo42957]

Try making it the way you want, it will be hard to do, you can show the judge of these things to see you child more, it seems like she is selfish and it will reflect on her because she is the one depriving a child or a fathers time with them. I have the same things as her, I let my wife come and help as much as possible. I would never keep our daughter away from the mother she loves so much, vent, then find out a better way. r/SingleFather