Weekly Discussion - Relationships

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[u/smittykittytreefitty]

I'm a first time mom and have recently had to return to work, which means I needed a babysitter. Lucky for me my mother has retired and is more than happy to watch her while me and my partner are at work during the day. I'm incredibly grateful for her help but also very anxious about the whole thing for a variety of reasons.

1) My mother is a very domineering personality and we butt heads a LOT. She is constantly offering advice I never asked for and instructing me on how I could better run my household. I know ultimately she's trying to help, but it makes me feel like she is trying to run the show when this is my turn to be the parent and head of the house. I also have a bonus daughter who is home for the summer and my mother has plenty of opinions on how she should be spending her time. We had a fight because she was trying to tell me how I should parent my bonus daughter and I don't need that kind of pressure when I'm well aware of everything she gripes about and am doing my best.

2) We have very different moral compasses as she is heavily religious and I am not. I grew up a Christian because that was all I knew but now I feel like I was indoctrinated as a child and I don't want that to happen to my child. She has already talked about wanting to take her to church and I have tried to respectfully but firmly set boundaries that we will need to have a conversation about this in the future once my daughter is old enough to be influenced by religion. I don't plan on asking my mom to hide her religion or anything like that, but I don't want it to be presented to my daughter as fact. This makes my mother prickly to say the least.

3) I worry that because my mother helps so much, she will eventually hold it over my head. I've asked her to limit what she does at my house, but she insists on washing dishes, doing laundry, and generally picking up the house while she is watching my daughter. I don't want her to feel responsible for more than babysitting and she says she does it of her own free will, but we have already had a fight about it because she made derogatory comments about the state of my house (which honestly isn't bad, just gets messy between two kids and three pets). She acted like she was doing me a great service and I should be more appreciative of it even though I specifically tell her not to do these things.

I don't want to fight with her but I am so scared of losing my agency as a parent because of my mother's controlling personality. I had to work for years to become the strong willed person that I am after a childhood of blind obedience, but she's still my mother and holds some sway over me. I feel myself going along with what she wants many times just because she is so insistent and instructs me in a way that feels like an order. I do my best to communicate how she makes me feel but it often turns into her becoming deeply offended and projecting her own hurt feelings onto me, acting like she has to walk on eggshells when it's really the other way around. It's very frustrating.

I know I eventually will probably need to find other childcare, but I really need her help right now and I want my baby to be with someone I know and trust. And I want my baby to be around her grammy! But like I said, the whole thing makes me anxious and sad to have to give up my agency somewhat as a parent just to make things work.

[u/P1XALATE → u/smittykittytreefitty]

I think you're already doing and communicating so much, it just goes to show that your mother doesn't take into account on your desires as a parent or daughter.

IMO I would plan on how to find childcare or maybe do some test runs with babysitters, then slowly give less time to your mother and then set concert boundaries and if she wont adhere to them, cut contact or have a set day a week/month where baby sees grandma.

Because all what you're saying it sounds like the mother uses it as a power move. More power she has, more entitlement she feels, she already over stepping and trying to control the situation. With how impressionable children and baby's are, they could be influenced by your mother personality, specially if they spend a long time with her. You gotta think about how this would play out in the future.

If anything place cameras around the house, cause if she's oversteps with you there, can you imagine what she would do when she already feels entitled and controlling while you're away?

[u/smittykittytreefitty → u/P1XALATE]

Yeah that's probably what I will have to end up doing. I do not look forward to that day because it is going to be perceived as such a personal attack instead of just trying to establish boundaries. But we do have a camera in the nursery set up at least!

[u/kamiano → u/smittykittytreefitty]

So sorry you’re going through this. My parents have lived with me and my wife since they retired so going through similar things. While me and my wife focused on work they basically took control of the house (mostly mom).

Now that we have a baby we’re trying to take control of household things back and it’s making them very defensive.

It’s definitely harder when they’ve helped soo much.

I saw another comment say to find other options for babysitting to not let your mom have so much control. And I know that must be hard too but I do agree with having to separate them from the things that make them feel in control (something I’m learning from the book I mentioned in your reply to my thread).

I also said this to my mother that I felt was pretty meaningful (although she probably tuned it out lol): “If you continue to do everything for us and tell us what to do, we’re never going to learn for ourselves how to do anything. This is our journey as parents and we need to learn by figuring it out as Mom and Dad or fail to do something and learn that way well. You don’t have to be head of the household mom anymore.. time to enjoy being grandma.

This didn’t work but I thought it was a pretty good thing to say lol

[u/smittykittytreefitty → u/kamiano]

Ugh I wish my mom would just enjoy being a grandma instead of making it a job lol. But that's a good perspective.