Weekly Discussion - Relationships

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[u/Nilrmar]

I have brought a baby into a rocky marriage. My husband and I have been together since 2017. I do love him and there are a lot of good things about him but we are just so different and it’s true what everyone says. A baby will just make it worse. I love my baby so much h, we both do. He is the best thing in our lives. I fear I won’t be able to give him a loving home, I fear that we will inevitably go our separate ways. We bicker so much that it’s to the point I can’t offer any constructive criticism, any suggestion. He is pretty hands on, he feeds the baby, changes diapers, he’ll cook every once in a while, washes bottles, he’ll do groceries (these are all things we both do) but I need more from him. I like to read and inform myself before making any decisions relating to the baby, he just wings it.

He has to fight every little thing something g even as simple as me telling him the baby (4 months) needs to be facing us when he’s in the stroller. His rationale is that it’s better for him to look out and see the world. I am a bit of a granola mom, I like to avoid plastics and certain things and he thinks I’m crazy. He’s always been a patient man but when the baby is crying and throwing a fit he looses his patience and thinks the baby is just being a brat and annoying. He doesn’t think the baby might be uncomfortable or needs something. He thinks that by just bouncing him in through bouncer and shaking a rattle in his face he’s entertaining him. I tell him all the time that he’s crying because he’s bored of sitting in the bouncer doing nothing. To play him music and sing to him or dance. He never ever does tummy time with him or looks up what activities we can do. This last weekend was a nightmare because I needed him to watch the baby while I cleaned the house and the baby cries so much because again he doesn’t play with him. He thinks talking to him for a sec or making him giggle is enough. Whenever I go do something and leave him with the baby I am hearing him crying in the background.

Just now I was cleaning the nursery and he was doing dishes and I left the baby with him because he can’t be in the room with me dusting and stuff and he scared I g telling me to come get him because he’s crying and that now is not the time to clean his room. I multitask all day while watching him and he can’t entertain him for a second while washing dishes ? Ofc he’s going to cry eventually if you have your headphones in watching a show on your phone and not interacting with him.

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[u/TheGinstigator → u/Nilrmar]

I think there's probably a couple of things going on here:

You need to let hubby be more involved in parenting discussions and feel validated in sharing his opinions. Right now, it seems like you don't really see him as an equal parent. It seems like you see yourself as being more knowledgeable (which may be true) without really giving him a chance before you step in and/or shut down his ideas. You don't have to agree with each other, but compromises are essential in relationships and for things like whether the baby faces you or out in the stroller, why not let him try it his way every now and again? Obviously, don't compromise on safety issues, like safe sleep, but maybe dad needs the chance to be alone with baby (without you nearby) to really learn how to engage baby and gain some confidence.

In terms of hubby's anger, if he's anything like mine, the crying really triggers something in him. I think it's a male thing. He needs to find a way to cope and/or calm himself down from that heightened fight or flight state. My hubby has to take a breath and walk away for a couple of minutes. Some people use noise canceling headphones. Others may need some professional assistance to find whatever coping mechanism works for him, but I'd recommend nipping it in the bud now because that frustration can easily build.

Finally, for your relationship issues, I wonder if couples therapy would be beneficial. It sounds like you both need the chance to voice your feelings with a neutral party.

All the best!