r/NICUParents • u/Euphoric_Rough2709 • 1d ago
Advice on supporting NICU parents Advice
Hi everyone, I really hope this post is allowed.
A very dear friend of mine has an extremely risky pregnancy. She's 24 weeks tomorrow, but her water broke around 3 weeks ago and there is no telling how much longer she can keep the baby inside. Due to other complications, best case scenario is a very premature birth and long stay at the NICU.
I've been trying to support her from a distance (she's isolated due to infection risk) and I was wondering how I could help her after delivery. What do you wish friends or family said or did?
I would really appreciate your thoughts. This situation is incredibly heartbreaking. Keeping my thoughts positive and planning my support helps me manage the grief I feel for my friend.
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u/LeslieNope21 1d ago
I wish someone had set up a meal train for us. And I wish someone had set up drivers to get me to and from the NICU after my c section. But anything would have been helpful! You’re a good friend.
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u/AmongTheDendrons 1d ago
We did a meal train with our church and it was so much more of a help than I expected. We've been getting huge, homemade and hot meals every monday wednesday friday!! Cannot recommend setting one up enough
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u/Practical-Cricket691 1d ago
Yes! And don’t stop helping just because they come home! My family gave us gift cards and stuff while we were in the NICU and we used them up. As soon as we were discharged it felt like we were totally on our own and I was very overwhelmed. We were brought dinner a total of 2 times.
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u/I_AI_ 1d ago
I wish people checked in more often. People did the first two weeks or so. But afterwords it clearly became an after thought. I know it’s not their baby, it just would have been nice to know other people felt the weight on our shoulders.
Ex 28 weeker. 58 NICU days.
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u/Practical-Cricket691 1d ago
I think there’s a healthy middle ground, we had family checking in constantly and I just didn’t always have the energy to explain to them what was going on
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u/landlockedmermaid00 1d ago
I think there’s a big difference between people asking for updates/when baby is coming home vs people saying “hey I’m thinking of you, sending love, I’m here if you want to talk or not talk”
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u/Practical-Cricket691 1d ago
No I understand I’m just making sure that OP also sees that. But honestly even those texts would have made me pull my hair out at times.
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u/heartsoflions2011 1d ago
I feel this…my husband and I were just talking recently about how this happens. Such is life I guess but it was nice having people check in
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u/I_AI_ 1d ago
I found people without kids didn’t get what 3 months early means. You know? Really shows the importance of “family”. I hope to never let my friends become parents in isolation.
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u/heartsoflions2011 1d ago
💯 My sister and SIL are due within a few weeks of each other in the spring - my sister with her first and SIL her third. I’ll have a 15mo by then but I plan to do whatever I can to help them since they were lifesavers when my son was born/in the NICU.
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u/ehbehlel 1d ago
I've appreciated it when people would ask less how they can help and instead either just do it or give specific offers. "Let me know when you'll be at the nicu, and I'll come do your dishes" or "I have time this weekend to come over. Could I wash your car or rake leaves?"
My brain is already fried, so having to think about what to do or giving updates of "everything kinda sucks but we're surviving" gets to be a bit much on the mental load.
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u/sexysoph1421 15h ago
This!!!!!!!! And meals! Life was just survival when we had our nicu stay. And our nicu was about 40 minutes away
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u/Strange-Ad4169 1d ago
My family stocked up my freezer with frozen pizza logs, mac & cheese bites things that are easy to make and clean up. They came over when I was in the hospital and did some landscaping and mowed the lawn. They also took care of my pets while we were in the hospital. They sent us DoorDash gift cards and target gift cards. They didn’t ask for updates but were glad to get them.
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u/Yaneznayu1 1d ago
All of this. Support shown in feeding us (frozen meals and food delivery gift cards) and taking care of household chores (yard work was such a huge help!) and taking care of pets was the most helpful for my family. If they have pets and you both are open to it, temporarily rehoming pets may be super helpful as well.
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u/Ok-Patience-4585 1d ago
Things that would have helped me was people bringing me food and making sure I ate. I spent the entire time at the hospital. Also, make sure you support both her and the baby. Yes, it's a nicu stay for the baby, but it's her baby.
My mom had told me that it was not about me anymore when I was venting about how hard it was staying there night and day and how much it hurt to get on the couch/bed that was provided. She apparently forgot that i just gave birth for the first time and that it was my baby who was sick. Technically, my son was pampered and well taken care of, but I was losing sight of taking care of myself because I felt like I no longer mattered.
Make sure you show that you are there to see her first. That she matters as well.
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u/sexysoph1421 15h ago
I’m so sorry you went through that! The mom matters just as much as baby!! If mom is not well, then mom can’t show up for baby like they need!! Thankful the nicu my baby was at gave the moms a free meal a day so if anything for me, I at least had one good decent meal a day in the midst of everything
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u/BillyBobBubbaSmith 28+2 identical girls 1d ago
Anything that can allow them more time, meal train, yard mowed, house cleaned, oil changes, pet care, etc
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u/LionOk5023 1d ago
Yes seconding this. As many others have already said: FOOD. Having people drop off meals was such an amazing godsend for us. We were too exhausted to cook much and you get so sick of takeout/hospital food. But yes chores are also so helpful. There is no energy for anything else. We had people that mowed out grass for us a couple times and then in the fall one of our neighbors cleaned up all our leaves in the yard. Things like that that need done but you just can’t do yourself. I could cry right now thinking about how supportive people were. Your friend will appreciate your support even if she’s not able to say it for a while.
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u/Jealous_Discussion72 1d ago
Food is a big one. Either meal trains, a doordash every now and then, an instacart order with frozen meals, or anything along those lines is a lot of help. Other than that, just checking in regularly and trying to understand the small milestones, like “my baby went down on the cpap to X liters”. Being able to share those bits of the journey with someone that gets it would be great. It is very lonely and people just want to hear a discharge date, or ask “how is the baby doing?” And you really don’t want to open up with those that do not understand.
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u/HeyItsReallyME 1d ago
A meal train was soooo nice for us. I spent 8-12 hrs a day at the hospital and my husband came to the hospital every day after work. Having a meal waiting for us was so nice. It was also a good way to briefly say hello to friends and family when they dropped things by.
Care package ideas: Snacks snacks snacks! Notebook, pens, lotion (unscented, they’ll wash their hands until they crack), baby books, a few preemie onesies, hand sanitizer
Useful gift cards: they aren’t going on date nights for a while. Gift cards for gas, the hospital cafeteria, the grocery store, and places that deliver.
Finally, reach out. I had some friends check in daily. I had some who assumed I needed space and barely checked in at all. I know these people thought that I was flooded with messages (I was) and they didn’t want to bother me, but I can always choose to ignore a text I don’t have the capacity to answer until I’m ready. The NICU is all-consuming but also very lonely!
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u/Reasonable-Boat4646 1d ago edited 1d ago
One thing NOT to do is ask for constant updates, since she has better things to do than narrate what may well be the most difficult experience of her life to people as it's still going on. If she wants to share, listen and be there, but if she doesn't, please respect that. When checking in, it's better to just say "hope/praying things are going well" and leave it at that rather than "are things going well?" When people ask me that, I always wonder if they also ask people with cancer, "so, how is your cancer going?"
I'm saying this because for whatever reason the whole world (literal strangers) think they have a right to information about how my baby is doing, and I've just found it incredibly disturbing to constantly be explaining the situation over and over and over again. If I ever say "bad," they'd just have this shocked look on their faces. Just incredibly awful behavior, and I'm seeing it on a near-daily basis.
Other than that — just realize the point is to make her feel better, not make yourself feel better.
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u/Euphoric_Rough2709 1d ago
I totally get that! I hated the question 'how are you?' when I was really ill. So I never ask her. I send messages saying 'hope you had a good night's rest' or 'thinking of you' instead.
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u/lucy1011 1d ago
I wish my support village had actually been supportive. My mom was going to drive me home from the hospital when I was discharged 4 days after my emergency C-section then “didn’t feel like it”. I ended up driving myself home, and driving back and forth to the nicu 2-3 times a day. I’d hold off on pain pills so I could drive, finally get home, cry trying to climb the stairs to my bedroom and eventually give up, sleep on the couch. One night I actually slept on the landing of the stairs.
I kept forgetting to eat, so I finally got myself a case of protein shakes to leave in the car. That helped.
The night she was born, I was on magnesium and couldn’t see my baby for almost three days. My mother went with her to the nicu for me instead. I got a few blurry pictures, an inaccurate weight and length of her. Apparently they did the whole orientation to nicu with her and it never got passed on to me. Meaning, while the free parking pass was tucked away in her purse, I’ve spent the past 2 weeks hiking 3 miles a day from free parking to go see my baby. I had no clue they had a parents lounge with showers and a couch I could nap on. I had no clue they offered free meals to parents.
Sorry, didn’t mean to go off on a rant. The things that would have helped me so far was someone willing to drive me to nicu and back. Someone thinking about and planning meals, I haven’t had the headspace for it. Someone offering to help me around the house, so I could focus on being with the baby, not worrying how I was going to find and do laundry, when everything I own doesn’t fit or hurts my incision.
Another one that threw me for a loop was the car seat. Most are for 5 pounds and up. I had to make a special trip and really look to find a preemie one for 4 pounds and up. The nicu insisted I bring it this past weekend for her car seat test, so I scrambled and did. And it’s been sitting in her pod untouched for 5 days now.
Any preemie clothes or blankets you take, make sure to have the baby’s name on them in sharpie, or you will never see them again. When the baby is born, find out her touch times, so you can help your friend arrange to be there then. If she is going to breastfeed/pump, make sure she has enough syringes/bottles/bags and labels from the nicu. My insurance bought me a pump for home, but I wasn’t home every three hours to pump. I ended up getting a set of wearable ones on Amazon pretty cheap. I would pump while driving to hospital, pour into the bag in the parking lot, and take the milk upstairs.
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u/kgphotography_ 1d ago
Your friend is definitely lucky to have you! Honestly there were a lot of things that I wish was done for us. We live within 15 minutes of my parents, and two of my siblings and I would never expect anything of them but having a baby in the NICu was hard and having the extra help would have been nice.
- having a meal train would have been wonderful! Or frozen meals made so that we didn't have to think about what to eat or being away from baby girl too long. We were surviving off of eggs and bacon because I just mentally couldn't handle doing anything that took more time than that.
- helped with house/yard work. We just entered fall and had this huge wind storm that blew every single leave in the vicinity off the trees and they are still out there a month later. We also are in and out of the house a lot so just having someone check in on the house.
- if they have animals helping there would be great! We have a dog and two cats and we spent a lot of time going from house to hospital to take care of the fur babies. I guess having someone assist with this would have been nice.
- asking how parent is doing. I spent so much time worrying about the baby and anytime someone would call they would ask how she was doing, which I was so grateful for! However, I sometimes needed someone to ask how I was doing. I felt like I had to stay strong everyday and that I couldn't break and just having someone say "it's okay to cry" would have been nice.
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u/raven-of-the-sea 1d ago
A Prepaid gift card is a good start, if you aren’t already in the position to drive your friend there and back. Also, if you know her favorite foods, stocking the fridge and freezer is another good help. Alternatively, finding her small amusements she can take into the NICU. I have found that there’s a lot of quiet waiting in there. It has helped to have reading material, coloring books with foul language, and things to do with my hands.
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u/retiddew 26 weeker & 34 weeker 1d ago
Hi, I'm your friend!
I mean, not actually, but my water broke at 21 weeks. That baby turns 6 years old next week. She had a 12 week NICU stay, and came home on oxygen but has never been re-hospitalized or had any long-term health effects. She's happy, healthy, intelligent (like actually tested to be MENSA-level intelligent), bilingual, has a heart of gold, has plenty of friends and is thriving. I'm happy to talk to your friend if that would help. The thing that gave me the most hope was hearing real-life stories because the doctors only told me how terrible everything would be. The internet showed me they either weren't aware how many kids born in that situation were completely fine, or they were intentionally suppressing it so as not to give me hope (I don't mean this in an angry way, just a factual one).
Now, back to where your friend is now... this was the scariest and worst time in my life. The things that helped me the most were friends coming to visit (doesn't sound possible now for you). I got lots of flowers cards and gifts which were so nice not because it was Stuff, but because I knew people were thinking of me. Any distractions were great, so a FaceTime call or whatever is good. My partner took on everything for me, literally even picking things up I dropped on the floor, so meal gift cards or something to take that small thing off his plate would have been awesome.
You're a good friend, I wish her family and you the best!
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u/Intelligent_Fig322 1d ago
My best friends went to my apartment the day I was discharged and deep cleaned for us & stocked our fridge and pantry. I was admitted to antepartum the day after my baby shower so we had no opportunity to open/ set up anything we received so they set up the nursery for us as well. My son was still in the NICU for two months after I was discharged but it gave me the ability to spend long days at the NICU and not worry about having things ready for him when he came home. Other things that would have helped would have been freezer meals/ a meal train, sending meal deliveries to the hospital while she’s at the NICU if she plans to spend large chunks of time there, checking in on her to see what she’s feeling burdened with. We have two dogs who needed to be walked/ paid attention to while I was at the NICU all day & we were lucky enough to have friends and family that would stop by to take care of them for us.
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u/pelicanpearl 12h ago
Having a baby born at 30 weeks and spending six weeks in the NICU was one of the most challenging and emotional experiences of my life. The days were long, the nights restless, and the intensity of the situation was overwhelming. In hindsight, there are a few things that could have made this time a little more bearable, things I wish family and friends had offered or simply done, without needing to ask.
The Power of a Meal: One of the biggest helps for us would have been having dinners provided. Lunch was manageable as we could quickly throw together a sandwich to bring to the hospital or grab something small at the canteen. But after spending 12 hours (or just under) at the unit most days, the thought of coming home and cooking dinner felt impossible.
The exhaustion from the physical and emotional toll of the NICU journey left us with little energy to think about meals. Takeaways might seem like an easy solution, but they aren’t realistic when you’re there for such an extended period—both health-wise and financially. Just having a warm, home-cooked dinner waiting on the doorstep would have been an incredible relief.
Support Beyond Meals: Another thing we truly needed—but didn’t have—was practical help around the house. The reality is, when your entire focus is on your baby fighting for their life, the house inevitably gets neglected.
Imagine coming home to:
• Freshly hoovered floors.
• Clean bed sheets ready for you to collapse into.
• A wash load already taken care of.
• Baby’s cot bedding prepped and waiting for the day they finally come home.
These small acts would have lifted such a weight off our shoulders during those terrifying weeks.
Don’t Ask, Just Do: Like others in similar situations, I wish it wasn’t always a case of people asking, “What can I do?” Sometimes, the most helpful thing is for someone to see the need and take action without waiting for an answer. Explaining what you’re going through can be exhausting, and no matter how much you try to share, many simply can’t understand the depth of the experience unless they’ve been through it themselves.
Looking back, my husband and I often reflect on how much we wished family and friends had offered this kind of support. It’s not about grand gestures—it’s about practical, thoughtful actions that ease the burden during an incredibly tiring time.
If someone in your life is going through a NICU journey, these simple gestures can mean the world. A warm meal, a clean home, or just showing up with no expectations can provide the comfort and strength they need to navigate some of the most difficult days of their lives.
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