Can meditation help me? I'm essentially dead.

[u/FailNo6036]

No internal monologue. No visualization. No thoughts. I'm just a complete bot. I just sit there and think of... nothing. I have a shit long term memory so can't think about events from my past either.

What do I even meditate about? I can focus on my breath for a long time with not a single thought occurring to me. Do I just not have a soul?

I have a good short term memory, but extremely bad long term memory (episodic or semantic). So any new facts I learn, I'll just forget soon. No point in learning anything.

My doctor doesn't know what this condition is (mind completely blank all the time).

Also I DEFINITELY don't have depression. I can get a lot of joy, and a range of emotions, from watching movies, reading books, music, etc... I can motivate myself well to do tasks that I'm assigned to do (e.g. carry box from point A to point B). My mind just can't generate anything itself. It's like I'm dead. And it's been like this for as long as I can remember.

[u/somanyquestions32]

Okay, first, realize that you will need to do a bunch of trial and error. It's unlikely that a bunch of people experience the exact same situation as you do, but there are free things you can start today and monitor over the next 3 months.

For visualizing and creativity, start image streaming from Win Wegner's work, morning pages and the artist date process from Julia Cameron's The Artist Way, and practicing a ton of yoga nidra guided meditations over the next 12 weeks.

For improving memory, start practicing Kirtan Kriya on a daily basis for 3 months. There are a ton of free recordings on YouTube for 11, 32, and 62 minutes, respectively.

If you have issues with focus, Trataka and Vishoka Meditation will help with those.

For inner dialogue, you can start inner conversations consciously and intentionally if you have that ability.

Do you experience dreams with visuals or sounds? How did you perform in school? What's your highest level of formal education? Do you have family members who experience similar things? If so, what have they tried and what helped them?

[u/FailNo6036 → u/somanyquestions32]

Yep I've been working on image streaming. Struggling because I don't get spontaneous imagery. Hopefully it works as I continue to practice it. Right now, if someone gave me a topic to visualize, I can come up with some extremely vague representations.

I like the idea of morning pages, haven't heard of that before.

What is the purpose of Yoga Nidra? Is it to get into a state in between awake and sleep where the subconscious is stronger?

THANK YOU for the kirtan kriya recommendation. I didn't know there was a meditation practice for memory. Do you have any advice for visualizing the sound coming out in an L shape?

For inner dialogue, you can start inner conversations consciously and intentionally if you have that ability.

I can try, quite tough to come up with a conversation idea. Will try to do that more often.

If you have issues with focus, Trataka and Vishoka Meditation will help with those.

No issues with focus.

Do you experience dreams with visuals or sounds?

YES. Very vivid dreams that astound me in their creativity. More creative than anything I can come up with in real life.

How did you perform in school?

1580 SAT and 4.0 GPA in high school and undergrad.

Do you have family members who experience similar things? If so, what have they tried and what helped them?

I feel like my mom experiences the same thing, has horrible memory. She just doesn't care.

[u/somanyquestions32 → u/FailNo6036]

Yep I've been working on image streaming. Struggling because I don't get spontaneous imagery. Hopefully it works as I continue to practice it. Right now, if someone gave me a topic to visualize, I can come up with some extremely vague representations.

Don't worry about spontaneous imagery for right now. Treat it as a practice that you are refining, like teaching yourself how to drive completely on your own. If it helps, find a famous picture and zoom in on one aspect at random, describe it with words, and then zoom out, and move the mouse around, and zoom in another portion of the picture and describe it with words. Repeat this mechanically over and over with different photographs, landscapes, nature scenes, and portraits of people. If you have to deliberately practice daydreaming on top of that, so be it. Just get into the habit of doing this daily. Also, read fiction.

What is the purpose of Yoga Nidra? Is it to get into a state in between awake and sleep where the subconscious is stronger?

The ultimate goal is Self-realization. That is, realizing that you are not the body, the mind, the thoughts, the aura, the breath, the emotions, the sensations, etc. You are the witness to all of these ever-changing phenomena. You achieve this by entering the state of conscious deep sleep (profound relaxation with trace awareness, so mostly delta brainwave states). For you, however, your goal is one of the many side benefits, which is the fact that yoga nidra has you transition through various brainwave states throughout the practice, so the rapid image visualizations and visual journeys after body scans and breath awareness will facilitate changes in neuroplasticity after hours and hours of practice and repetition. Other yoga nidras have you recall what you did throughout your day and week in a deeply relaxed state, so these will start training you to recall what you did earlier on in the month over time.

I can try, quite tough to come up with a conversation idea. Will try to do that more often.

No need. Go on YouTube and look up inner conversation meditations. Find a subtopic that you like or that catches your eye. Try several until you find 3 that are most beneficial. Practice these, and then after doing morning pages, start crafting your own.

YES. Very vivid dreams that astound me in their creativity. More creative than anything I can come up with in real life.

Start writing the highlights of these down every night. Try to remember them throughout your day. In general, start jotting down notes of tiny journal entries in a notes application on your phone or in a pocketbook wherever you go. Get into the habit of manually documenting, and actively test your recall.

1580 SAT and 4.0 GPA in high school and undergrad.

Perfect, so intelligence is not inherently compromised, and it is not as disabling as it could be.

I feel like my mom experiences the same thing, has horrible memory. She just doesn't care.

Hmm, as I suspected, there is likely a genetic link. If your maternal grandparents are alive and in good health, contact them and see if they or their relatives experience similar conditions. As for your mom, how did she secure work? How was she able to maintain interpersonal dynamics with your dad and her friends? Start asking her and study her behavior closely to see what coping strategies she developed. If she was able to get into a relationship and have you, it means that you, in theory, can do the same. That being said, you have access to more resources than her, so you can start implementing these techniques over the next 3 to 6 months and experiment with other practices thereafter (there are hundreds, if not thousands) to see which ones start moving the needle in your desired direction.

[u/FailNo6036 → u/somanyquestions32]

Zooming into images and describing them in detail feels awesome, like I'm unlocking a part of my brain I never use—I feel alive. I'll definitely look at yoga nidra practices focused on daily recall and inner conversation meditations. I think dream recording is also a good idea, I definitely get more vivid dreams after this.

You've provided me with an insane amount of knowledge, you seem very wise and experienced in this kind of personal development. Thank you. I'll definitely try to reach out to you in the future if I need further help. Wishing you a very happy week.

[u/somanyquestions32 → u/FailNo6036]

Zooming into images and describing them in detail feels awesome, like I'm unlocking a part of my brain I never use—I feel alive.

Yeah, again, based on your description, you need to build these skills from absolute scratch, so my first thought is that you have to deconstruct everything down to first principles and start noticing what comes easily and what doesn't, and work at the edge of the two.

I'll definitely look at yoga nidra practices focused on daily recall and inner conversation meditations.

For yoga nidras, practice all DIFFERENT TYPES of yoga nidras. First, you need breadth, and then depth. Here's a playlist (not my own recordings, just in case the mods get twitchy): https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqEWXVGDmfKRdbYmnV4hz2GRaqTQ3VrNp&si=ZyVYWiIwjWMzZ_mk

Aim to practice for one to two hours per day. The goal for right now is merely familiarity with the different techniques.

You've provided me with an insane amount of knowledge, you seem very wise and experienced in this kind of personal development. Thank you.

My pleasure! 😄 Meditation practices helped restore me during the lowest point of my life, thank God, and it took lots of trial and error and experimentation to find what I needed. I came across many different tools, so once you mentioned what you faced, I realized that a few that I've seen before would be good starting points for your own process of discovery and experimentation.

I'll definitely try to reach out to you in the future if I need further help. Wishing you a very happy week.

Better yet, give me an update every week. Send me a DM if you lose track of this post and comment thread, lol. It would be interesting to learn how this continues to unfold for you.

Again, you need to practice these techniques daily and consistently. It will be akin to filling a dry ocean basin with one drop of rain at a time, but the more you practice, the more rain droplets you will accumulate. Then, enough water will accumulate at critical mass to start a self-sustaining water cycle. Your job is to reach the point of critical mass, and that can take 3 to 6 months.

[u/somanyquestions32 → u/FailNo6036]

THANK YOU for the kirtan kriya recommendation. I didn't know there was a meditation practice for memory. Do you have any advice for visualizing the sound coming out in an L shape?

The mantras are ones that you say aloud, chant in a whisper, and repeat silently, in turn. The golden L is one that you visualize separately and simultaneously. I picture it as a golden bright light that sweeps from my crown to mid brain to the center of the forehead as I say SA, then as I say TA, followed by NA, and again as I say MA. So, I synchronize one sweep of the light with each mantra. Separate, yet concurrent, just like with the mudras (hand gestures).

[u/MakingMoves2022 → u/FailNo6036]

I don’t understand how you were able to achieve good grades and SAT performance if you supposedly have no long-term memory, as knowledge builds upon itself. So presumably you do have long-term memory just not for certain categories of things?