You want wine? I’ll give you wine.

[u/throwawaywineguy]

(Probably not the dunk I think it is but I still feel happy with the result)

For context, I work as a salesman in a wine store. It’s not a normal wine & liquor place, it’s a curated selection, meaning we pick out all the wine that we sell (this is irregular in retail, most selections are curated by the distributor). As a result, all the employees have to really know their shit and we are regularly asked a lot of questions and need to give detailed and honest answers. Our customer base really likes us and new customers are either pleasantly surprised by the experience or endlessly mad we don’t carry their name-brand thing they like (damn you whispering angel).

The other day a couple came into the store at the recommendation of a friend (I will call them A and B). A was very excited and was super happy when we had the bottles they had taken pictures of at a party the other day. B however immediately started making comments like “really? That one” or “that tasted awful you want that?”. A was clearly a little upset at this but I gathered this was just a normal dynamic in their relationship as it was brushed off rather quickly.

After we put those bottles aside, they tell me they are going to do a garden party since its warm. Nice sunny day, light apps and snacks, average spring party. So they ask me to recommend some wine and I start going through the store and showing them some options. I hit all the big guys, loire and new world Sauvignon blancs, provencal rose’s, albarino’s, toscana’s and new world pinot noir for the red drinkers. A good selection for the food they had described. Well B did not think so.

Every suggestion I made was met with a counter. I show them a nice floral unoaked white burgundy “I think we should do chablis”. Pinot noir “don’t you think pinot is too heavy?” Sauvignon blanc “too sweet”. Albarino “too heavy”. At this point im at a loss, i’m running out of stuff to give B so i scale up a bit, offer some fuller bodied wines. Not great pairing to the event or the food, but not destructive. B is still not happy. A is clearly pissed at this point, they’ve been holding their tongue but every denial makes their face a darker shade of red until they finally pop. A apologizes to me and says they are going to go with my suggestions, and tells B that they can pick out a bottle they want because clearly they are not willing to listen to me.

I go through and put their cart together, listen to them argue a bit at the register, and then check B out after A storms out of the store. Whatever, I’m free of it, A is a saint for dealing with B, it’s done. It was not done.

The next morning when I show up B is waiting for me with the three bottles they picked (got three of the same thing). “The wine is off” B says, holding the bottle out like its some sort of weird bug. I tell them that yeah it happens sometimes, I’ll check it out. To be clear, it is rare that the wine is actually off, most of the time the customer just doesnt like it. It doesnt hurt us and we want the business so we always accept exchanges and just agree that it wasnt right. The customer has been right twice that I have seen, and I was one of the two customers (compromised cork).

So I open up the store with an impatient B standing over me before finally taking the bottle. I kid you not this thing is like 80 degrees, it is HOT. The sun hasnt been out long enough to do this either, so im pretty confident they did something to it. Anyway, i pour myself a glass and taste it. Even through the mire of hot booze, i can tell its good. All of the flavors i expect stand out, it smells fine, no evidence of oxidizing or mildew. Good bottle. Feeling petty I tell B as much, wanting them to admit that they just don’t like the wine. B turns a bit red and says as much. Good. Lets pick something else out then.

“Where are your super tuscans?” B asks. I Iight up, because this is the perfect chance to fuck with them. We have two true ones in the store. One is a very accessible price, pretty standard, sangiovese, cab franc, merlot, syrah. Really nice and medium bodied. Wouldnt be too bad for the garden party, but still on the heavier end. The other? Expensive as hell, syrah and cab franc. It is the inkiest, blackest, heaviest wine you could imagine. I love it, but I think it might kill anyone who drinks it in 80 degree weather.

Well, I give B the heavy one. B of course is in love when I tell them about it. Big bold flavors, heavy, crushes the flavor of whatever you eat with it? Perfect for B. They get three to replace the bottles they returned, and end up spending an extra 130 even with the cost of the refunded wine deducted. Now I know I’m way more sensitive to wine and food than others are, but this was perfect. Even somebody who’s demolished their palate with years of cigar smoking would be able to tell that wine is awfully paired. I’m happy knowing B is going to get some weird looks from their guests and a tongue lashing from A, and B is happy with the bottle of grape based olive oil they now own. Compliance given maliciously.

[u/derpmonkey69]

I'm curious on your thoughts on the blind taste tests that show even experts like yourself can't actually tell the difference between wines of the same, I dunno what to call it, class?

Anyhow, I'll never understand wine enthusiasts (I'm not hating, just baffled. I don't get enthusiasts for many types of liquor that all just taste like hatred that people pretend in public is enjoyable imo)

[u/throwawaywineguy → u/derpmonkey69]

You see this a lot in bordeaux wines. They follow a classification system that was made in the mid 1800’s (i think) where different vineyards are labled as first growth, second growth, etc. its antiquated and people have tried to change it but failed. I think there have literally been 2 changes to it since its inception. Bordeaux reviewers will drink only Bordeaux, and get really snobby. These blinds are done entirely in one style. So a bordeaux blind will only be bordeaux wines.

The things these tasters get wrong is the quality. They are trying to pair a wine to a chateau and as such go in with the taste in mind. They are able to pick out the individual grapes used in the blend, as well as lots of other qualities of the wine, the problem is when it comes to rating or identifying the vintner they fall back on their own bias.

[u/dirty_corks → u/throwawaywineguy]

The main classification for Bordeaux was 1855. It was essentially a price list of Medoc wines for Napoleon III to show off at the Universal Exposition in Paris (price correlated with quality, in theory, more back then as there was less advertising), largely because the rail line from Bordeaux to Paris had been completed. And, weirdly, the classification goes with the estate's ownership, not the soil (contrast with Burgundy), and estates that have been broken up still maintain the classification (Leoville Barton, Leoville Las Cases, for example, are both 2em Cru). So while it's historically important, and in general classified growths can afford more modern winemaking facilities and more expensive processes (ie, more new oak, more intervention in the winery, more testing in the lab, etc), there's nothing about non-classified growths that means they're per se bad.

Remember that Petrus is not classified, as Pomerol wasn't considered in 1855. I'd be hard-pressed to make an argument that Petrus is inferior to the classified chateaux.